back to article Put your private parts on display if you want to keep earning a living

My prospective client is staring at my nuts. The quality of my work is apparently not too important. What really matters are the warm bits that dangle between my legs. Indeed, the human resources rep is insisting that I be prepared to present my lobster and urchins on demand, as regularly as possible. You’d think I would be …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Trick image?

    Interesting trick image. If you stare at it for more than 5 minutes, an Alistair Dabbs article appears.

    Yep, coat, thanks.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Trick image?

      The image is free to use (emphatically not public domain, mind) and there are no objections or limits placed on its use, as published by the lady depicted and the copyright owner of the image.

      While any objections on her part would not be particularly effective, I believe if you use an image for free, you should at least have the decency to ask the copyright owner if she is okay with being used as a caption image for an article like this.

      Mind you, a reverse image search appears to make her the poster child of the Internet for sex in the workplace...

  2. JohnMurray

    How long before a chinese biz person produces a lookalike that actually has a wireless camera installed?

    http://armtechon.com/information/10-most-illegal-ways-to-use-a-spy-camera/

    Sprinkle a few around the HR bogs...after all, HR spends most of its time fucking people...

    1. wayne 8

      HR is not for Humans.

      HR is doing their job correctly as designed.

      HR is not there FOR Humans, HR exists to protect the CORP FROM Humans.

      They are not an emoployee's advocate in any way.

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: HR is not for Humans.

        "I am not a resource, I am a free man!"

        "Hahahaha!"

        1. Unbelievable!

          Re: HR is not for Humans.

          ha. I'm not not a man.nope. not anymore. I'm not even a number. We're all barely, and just about, a barcode these days.or the advanced might organisations might have us down using ocular biometic or fingerprint. DNA seqencing is coming onstream soon as the primary identity verification. They will take it from children at birth and embed it's code in your national insurance card.

          *sigh* i thought i'd be long gone before this tracking junk happened. Or we'd at least have Mars to escape to easily. Shame on my short-shiited ness.Catch you on the flip side good folks.

  3. steamnut

    Gender Neutral

    A big plus for "Arse-eye" is the fact that it is gender neutral. The under-desk system would be "looking" at a different mass sizes for women than men. That may be seen as an advantage but the system might run into problems with transgender occupants. In fact, I just noticed that the word occu-"pant" is quite appropriate for Arse-eye....

    TGIF...

  4. frank ly

    The first three paragraphs

    They're a filter to get rid of those with a weak constitution and any sense of decorum. I walked straight through it. Your life is more interesting than mine but I'm not at all envious. Thank you. :)

    1. spellucci

      Re: The first three paragraphs

      Could you, or any other kind readers, determine the actual topic of this article? I read through it a number of times, but could not tell what was real, what was the author enjoying the writing, and what the story was about. Many pardons if it is obvious to others, but I didn't get it.

      1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

        Re: The first three paragraphs

        Could you, or any other kind readers, determine the actual topic of this article?

        Yes.

        Many pardons if it is obvious to others, but I didn't get it.

        I would say the content of the comments section is sufficient evidence that the article was clear enough to a substantial audience.

        Humor, of course, is not universal. We don't expect everyone to respond the same way to a given piece of writing.

  5. Holleritho Silver badge

    Sorted

    One of those shelves that hang from a worktop, a hot water bottle or small electric heat-pad, a very small pivoting fan (or one of those Chinese cat statues that waves a raised paw).

    Slide shelf under desktop beside knee, put filled hot water bottle and moving object on shelf, walk away. Come back at lunch time and remove for 20 minutes. Back to pub.

    I leave it to my fellow commentards to add to the list a widget that generates keyboard activity to one's laptop or PC.

    1. Franco Silver badge

      Re: Sorted

      Duracell Drumming Bunny, with some MacGyvering, should do the trick for the keyboard activity.

      Is it wrong I spent at least as long looking at the headline picture as I did reading the article BTW?

      1. MrT

        Re: Sorted @Franco

        Just copy the headline thumbnail image URL and remove the crop and resize bits for less eyestrain ;-)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sorted

      Could also employ a real cat to sit on the seat (but the danger is that it will sit on the keyboard or start programming in LOLCODE)

      1. 's water music
        Windows

        Re: Sorted

        Could also employ a real cat to sit on the seat

        I've been doing this for years. Embarrassingly I started getting better reviews and pay rises ever since.

        Icon=my linkedin profile pic nowadays

    3. IsJustabloke
      Thumb Up

      Re: Sorted

      No need for actual typing to keep the lappy awake...

      this should do the trick -> https://mousejiggler.codeplex.com/

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sorted

        Mouse Jiggler sounds so...... thoroughly dodgy.

        Are you sure they don't call you "Harmonica" on account of your mouse organ?

        1. Cameron Colley

          Re: Sorted

          I suspect that "mouse jiggler" sounds much more euphemistic to the Norwegians and, possibly, other Scandinavians also.

  6. Chris King

    "Don’t get the wrong idea: I have not been auditioning for a raunchy IT-themed gonzo sex vid."

    So, no plans for a sequel to "Salmon Days" then ?

    1. Down not across Silver badge

      Re: "Don’t get the wrong idea: I have not been auditioning for a raunchy IT-themed gonzo sex vid."

      So, no plans for a sequel to "Salmon Days" then ?

      I am. Not. Writing. A. Fucking. Letter.

  7. jake Silver badge

    On the other hand ...

    ... and I'm willing to acknowledge someone else with a gripping hand argument ...

    ... I'm teaching my nieces & nephews the fine art of B&W photography. Film, darkroom, enlarger, et alia. No electronics need apply.

    (Out of curiosity, am I the only ElReg reader who owns, and uses, a darkroom timer?)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: On the other hand ...

      (Out of curiosity, am I the only ElReg reader who owns, and uses, a darkroom timer?)

      You might be, on account of a shortage of darkrooms. I can tell you one thing: using a smartphone for that would be a bad idea, mine flashes when it rings which could possibly make a mess of the exposure :).

    2. Someone Else Silver badge

      @jake -- Re: On the other hand ...

      (Out of curiosity, am I the only ElReg reader who owns, and uses, a darkroom timer?)

      Short answer: No.

      (The longer answer has to do with what that time is nominally used for nowadays...besides darkroom uses....)

    3. Jeffrey Nonken

      Re: On the other hand ...

      I had a very nice Gralab timer given to me by my uncle, which was unfortunately stolen some years ago. I believe my wife has one she uses for cooking.

      I actually have an entire darkroom setup, including long-since-expired chemicals, boxed up in my garage. I use the thermometer for measuring the air conditioner vents when I suspect under-performance. The print was last used to dry papers that had been soaked by a carelessly placed water glass.

      It's a shame, really, but I lost interest in the hobby decades ago. I should organize the hardware and sell it on eBay or Craigslist or something.

    4. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: On the other hand ...

      @Jake

      What kind of darkroom are we talking, mate?

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: On the other hand ...

        I would think it would have to be a B&W darkroom. For color work... no light. None. I've done both and B&W is definitely more fun. Color can be more interesting since you don't know what you're getting until it's done and the lights come on.

    5. Trevor Gale

      Re: On the other hand ...

      Re: On the other hand ...

      Clearly I am also an ElReg reader, and I do own and use a darkroom timer. I mostly use it in my own darkroom, developing B&W film and sometimes still colour C-41 film too, 120-rollfilm from my Mamiyas.

      Not that I'm "anti-digital" at all, apart from my Canon EOS that darkroom timer is my own design and uses a 6809 microprocessor with memory and I/O etc. to save my typical process times and so on.

      You see, electronics is applied in my darkroom, although the art of winding rollfilm onto the dev-tank spirals is all in the wrist action, done while sitting down with the important bits on my lap... ...

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not all you need

    To use a box camera you need:

    1. To understand that it can only take pictures outdoors, usually between 2 hours after dawn and 2 hours before dusk unless it is sunny.

    2. The ability to thread 120 rollfilm correctly.

    3. The ability to hold the thing still during an exposure around 1/50th second.

    From memory, the failure rate of box camera exposures was quite high. Furthermore, most of them had crap winding mechanisms which gave out after a while. Fortunately they had so little use that most of them didn't wear out, because film and printing was so expensive.

    Modern digital cameras can get a picture in a wide range of conditions, normally in focus and shake free, rarely go wrong and individual pictures are dirt cheap.

    As for the cost, in the 1950s a basic Leica with standard lens cost roughly a working man's annual salary. The latest interchangeable lens Fuji, which is many more times capable than that Leica, costs around an average 1 month's salary.

    I'm not sure what the conclusion from this ought to be, except that engineering rules.

    1. LDS Silver badge

      Re: Not all you need

      Today, a Leica still costs roughly a working man annual salary... even back in the '50s there were cameras more capable than a Brownie but far less expensive than a Leica. After all all you needed was a shutter and a diaphgram. Russian Zenith cameras were among the cheapest, but you could also find cameras like Kodak Retinette.

      Canon itself started as a company selling cheaper replicas of Zeiss/Leica rangefinder to American soldiers...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Not all you need - Today, a Leica still costs roughly a working man annual salary.

        In fact the current Leica with a standard lens costs around £5000, so you're exaggerating. But my point is that back in those days, thanks to Cartier-Bresson and Snowdon, journalists were using Leicas as standard equipment. I remember Victor Blackman, the Daily Express photographer when it was a newspaper, with a Rollei TLR and a Leica as his daily kit. The current Leicas are Veblen cameras; the new Fuji has, I think, the same sensor and the lenses are just as good as the current Leica digital, and so is a realistic equivalent. A working photojournalist won't be using a Leica. That was why I made the comparison.

        A modern DSLR or advanced compact replaces not only a film SLR or rangefinder, but also a 16mm ciné camera. It probably stands abuse better than either asnd is much less likely to go wrong.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: Not all you need - Today, a Leica still costs roughly a working man annual salary.

          "A working photojournalist won't be using a Leica."

          Yes, they still do. At least the SLRs. Because once you've got all the lenses in your kit you need, you can keep using them for the rest of your life.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Not all you need

        Still have my Zenith.

        Not much use for it these days, but I can't bear to get rid of it.

        1. Zog_but_not_the_first
          Joke

          Re: Not all you need

          A Zenith! You must have muscles like Popeye.

      3. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: Not all you need

        I have a Fed 4 range-finder my father gave me as a present almost 40 years ago. Last tried it out about 15 years ago with some "colour" IR slide film and it worked! Even the exposure meter was still working (selenium cell, no battery required). Very sharp images even if heavy and a bit fiddly to use.

        But modern digital cameras are much lighter and easier to use, and no cost/delay in processing film to see how successful (or not) you photos were.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not all you need

      "I'm not sure what the conclusion from this ought to be, except that engineering rules."

      People rarely print out their digital pictures for posterity. They don't even back up the files. Even when they do - they don't re-copy within the lifespan of the archive media. The result will be a generation who have lost all their historical pictures - or can't read the media or process the format. They rarely edit them to the apparently most significant ones - which can sometimes be an advantage.

      I have photographs of me and my family covering over a century. Merely keeping them away from heat and light means they can be digitally re-scanned at any time. Over the years digital scanning has improved to achieve somewhere near the same resolution and contrast as the originals.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not all you need

      I still have two brownies - made of cardboard really. I don't expect I could get the film for them today. I will have to dig them out and have a look.

      1. Oengus
        Thumb Up

        Re: Not all you need

        My first camera was a Brownie that my parents loaned me. I think about half of the pictures came out...

        120 roll film is still available.

        http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/search?atclk=Format_120&ci=2545&N=4093113317+4130468174

        I used to have a Russian made Lubitel TLR (Twin Lens Reflex) that used 120 film. It had basic manual settings for F-Stop and Shutter speed. I used 100 ASA or 400 ASA Slide film. The results were spectacular. Shame that camera was stolen...

        I need to go in search of a "Seagull" again.

  9. Chris King

    The BrownCloud...

    ...sounds more like a bout of explosive diarrhea to me, but also a good description of some of Web Two-Point-Doh systems out there.

    1. MrT

      Re: The BrownCloud...

      ... early adopters are already out there in force, (just not too much lest they end up having laundry-related problems).

      1. Wensleydale Cheese
        Thumb Up

        Re: The BrownCloud...

        Got to love the caption on that article:

        Man Builds Chair That Tweets His Farts, Single-Handedly Justifies Twitter's Existence

  10. Peter2 Silver badge

    So, what happens when somebody sticks a heater under their desk?

    1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      @Peter2, re Heater under the desk.

      What happens if they put a heater under the desk?

      Roasted nuts!

      *Runs away*

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @Peter2, re Heater under the desk. - @Shadow Systems

        What happens if they put a heater under the desk?

        Roasted nuts!

        That hoary old chestnut again.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: @Peter2, re Heater under the desk. - @Shadow Systems

          "hairy" - FTFY

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not long now...

    Next they'll figure out there's some kind of field generated by living tissue and start scanning for that. Later on, it will be indispensable for the time machine...

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Not long now...

      There is. It binds us. Penetrates us. My boss figured out how to use it some time ago. He uses it to pick people up by the throat and strangle them. His asthma's gotten worse too...

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    BrownEye Stretch Goals

    Here you have some BrownEye stretch goals, which will be seen in an extremely positive way by HR people:

    - Extensible and flexible DeepDive patented health checking technology to film the last meter inside the employee and provide valuable feedback of his inmost works. DeepDive can be used too to provide a comforting reward / discomforting punishment due to its patented StretchIt capabilities.

    - Accurate SnapOff surgical add-on, to get rid of malignant portions of your employees as they work, thus allowing years and years of uninterrupted and happy service.

    1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: BrownEye Stretch Goals

      If they try to implement such a system I'll cackle maniacally & taunt them as they scream about "What Has Been Seen Can Not Be Unseen".

      When you stare into the Void, the Void stares back.

      MUH Hahahahahahahahaha.

      *Cough*

      =-D

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: BrownEye Stretch Goals

      - Optional extra: very DeepDive for tonsil and dental inspections.

      1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

        Re: BrownEye Stretch Goals

        ... free aftertaste included.

  13. Chris G Silver badge

    Nazti

    What bothers me is the kind of pondlife that comes up with such things as an idea and then goes on to produce it as a product which they then sell. I imagine they would have been comfortable as a snitch to the Stasi.

    I have found almost without exception , that if you allow employees to be responsible for themselves, they will live up to your expectations or even exceed them.

    Treat them like errant children and they will behave like them.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Nazti

      "What bothers me is the kind of pondlife that comes up with such things as an idea and then goes on to produce it as a product which they then sell."

      The real problem is that they actually can sell it because there's more pondlife that's prepared to buy it.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Nazti

        No, it's because they are totally focussed in their own little world. They have no idea about how it might be mis-used and simply cannot see any problems.

        Just sit in on a marketing meeting sometime and you'll see what I mean. Those people genuinely don't see their adverts and marketing as annoyances or spam and honestly do think that you will be pleased that they thought of yet another way to get their "message" across to you.

        1. Glenn Amspaugh
          Headmaster

          Re: Nazti

          The ignorance of arrogance.

  14. Ian Michael Gumby

    Serriously WTF?

    So... I get that AD is miffed that some companies have started to place sensors to monitor how long they sit at their desks. I get that... they must be working as telemarketers or as drones.

    In today's IT departments, many are in meeting and are collaborating with their peers. Also many don't have cubes or assigned cubes. They are sitting along a work bench with little to no privacy.

    And really what's the beef? If they wanted to do this to me... then they'd have to also compare it to my calendar where I'm called in to multiple meetings throughout the day. Where I end up spending more time away from my desk drawing charts and stuff on the white board explaining tech to the pointy haired managers.

    Of course if they did do this... you do realize that if it were a camera and not just a sensor... you'd have one heck of a great class action lawsuit against the company.

    1. Warm Braw Silver badge

      Re: Serriously WTF?

      Given that any decent self-respecting journo spends his life hotdesking between the local hostelries, I certainly wondered what the the Telegraph were hoping to achieve. And then I remembered that newspapers are gradually getting rid of their Cheshire Cheese - based correspondents (I'm referring to their preferred location, not the existence of a Morph-style lifeform with a pungent aroma) and replacing them with drones who copy stuff from the Internet and the wire services.

      It no doubt makes perfect sense to the bean counters to have them under constant productivity surveillance, though you don't really need advanced technology to check if they're at their desks - a large vertical spike in the centre of the chair should suffice.

  15. This post has been deleted by its author

  16. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    The depressingly stupid part of this CrotchCam "solution" is that to implement it will likely absorb many times and putative "savings" from ordering people to go back to their desks.

    When will the directors learn that to get people to do a good job you need to make the environment in which it is to be done as job friendly as possible and then treat the people in it as valued human beings?

    1. Charles 9 Silver badge

      Re: Bah!

      They won't. It costs too much, and they have to answer to the investors.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Bah!

      then treat the people in it as valued human beings?

      You obviously think that master/slave behavior no longer exists. The only respect the higher ups have is for the bottom-line or anything else that's self-serving. The rest of us are mere wastes of profit.

    3. FatGerman

      Re: Bah!

      The money is making the decisions. And the money not only doesn't care about you, it actually thinks it would be better off without you, therefore to it you have absolutely no value as you can easily be replaced by a more efficient and obedient model.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Big Brother

    Isn't it enough...

    That most employers are allowed to install things like keylogging software to make sure you are pecking away at your keyboard throughout the day?

    Installing the NadCam is just insulting.

  18. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Could be interesting

    I'm one of those people who fidgets... a lot, when sitting, and usually take very strange positions anyway. One of the more common ones is sat with one leg folded underneath me, while randomly swinging the other one outstretched. I don't do it consciously, it just seems to happen - much to the merriment of family and friends.

    So, I would imagine it would only be a matter of time before said outstretched leg came into high velocity contact with the nadcam. At this time one of two things would be likely to happen Either nadcam gets broken {what a shame} or I suffer an injury that warrants first aid, very considerable quantities of paper filling and possibly a claim against the employer for maintaining an unsafe working environment.

    1. Mark York 3 Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Could be interesting

      "One of the more common ones is sat with one leg folded underneath me"

      There was a rather nice young lady that used to sit like that at the National Rail Enquiry Service, only she would bounce\rub her crotch against her foot, while giving out time table information.

      I always made sure that any machines for replacement for her group of operators were done when she was duty. :D

  19. Fink-Nottle

    Opportunities for the over 40's

    Brown Eye ... pah! Employ the elderly all that's required is a moisture detector built into the seat.

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

      Brown Eye ... pah! Employ the elderly all that's required is a moisture detector built into the seat.

      Don't you have Depends where you live?

      https://www.depend.com.au/

      1. Fink-Nottle

        Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

        > https://www.depend.com.au

        That has to be a joke.

        Everyone knows the Australian wildlife takes care of stragglers well before incontinence sets in.

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

          That has to be a joke.

          Obviously you have yet to attain to benign prostate enlargement [sigh]

        2. Steven Roper

          Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

          "Everyone knows the Australian wildlife takes care of stragglers well before incontinence sets in."

          You, sir, are clearly not familiar with how our wildlife operates. In most parts of the world such poisonous, venomous or merely vicious creatures kill you comparatively quickly. Not so in Australia. Our wildlife doesn't kill you - at least, very rarely.

          No, what our wildlife excels at is the infliction of mortal, insufferable, prolonged, Dantean-level agony - without actually granting the mercy of mere death. If you die, it isn't because of the venom, it's because the pain is so unbearable you do everything in your power to kill yourself. Even the plants can drive you to suicide!

          1. Diogenes

            Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

            No, what our wildlife excels at is the infliction of mortal, insufferable, prolonged, Dantean-level agony - without actually granting the mercy of mere death.

            I have been listening all day to the screech of a large(>100 <500) flock of Corellas on the oval behind me. - my little project has not been going at all well

            https://youtu.be/YbSH6bUbGEc

  20. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Joke

    BrownEye's marketing moto

    "We are everywhere."

  21. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    Well if we're

    into gadgets..... presenting

    Boris' magic cushion... simply plug the lead into a USB port, and the cushion generates a temperature of 98.8F, thus the sneaky desk eye thing thinks theres a human seated at the desk all day while you can sneak off down the pub

    And if HR are using the metric of "how long each employee is seated at their desk" to decide performance for the performance related pay review, you might even get a nice pay rise too

    I would never get one of those... never at my desk long enough to log in before some other crap goes TITSUP down the other end of the factory

  22. BurnT'offering

    Alternative suggestion on how to fool this device

    Rather than use heat to fool it that the desk is occupied, use insulation to convince HR that these devices give false negatives. That's more likely to lead to them not trusting the system and having to do time consuming manual checking (Otherwise known as work - a concept they won't be familiar with)

    1. Captain DaFt

      Re: Alternative suggestion on how to fool this device

      Since this looks like another IDIoT* device, I'm sure it won't be long (already?) before someone has a crack passed around that'll have it sending appropriate data back to HR.

      "Uh, Bill? Why's there no one in the office?"

      >Bill checks monitor< "What're you talking about? The system says everyone's at their desks working."

      *Insecurely Designed Internet of Things

  23. Martin Maloney
    Coat

    My mind is going

    Someone tried to sell me a used rangefinder camera.

    I didn't buy it. I told him that I'd Leica new one.

  24. chivo243 Silver badge

    One way to combat hidden camera's

    Kilt Thursday! Works everytime.

  25. willi0000000
    Boffin

    maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

    there is a more practical solution to keep devices like this out of your workspace . . . it's called "screwdriver Tuesday."

    if you discover them under your desks, the next day everybody brings a screwdriver to work, removes the devices and presents them to the pointy-haired wizard in charge.

    funny thing is, you have to get everybody united to do it . . . strange how the concept of workers uniting to demand a decent work environment, or pay, has never been tried before.

    1. Charles 9 Silver badge

      Re: maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

      Because Wednesday they'll be back under the desks...THIS time with the "one-way" screws you see in restroom stalls.

      1. robmobz
        Joke

        Re: maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

        At which point it is time for the next wonderful invention: "Crowbar Thursday".

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

          Followed promptly by "Repair-Bill-For-The-Desk-You-Tore-Up-Prying-Big-Brother-Loose Friday." What a way to start the weekend! <sarcasm> Whoop-de-f******-doo-doo!

  26. BernardL

    The best thing about that article was the picture. By far.

  27. Mark 85 Silver badge

    Just unscrew it from the desk and bin it...

    Then blame the mice.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Just unscrew it from the desk and bin it...

      Blame the rats...

    2. Charles 9 Silver badge

      Re: Just unscrew it from the desk and bin it...

      How do you unscrew it when it's done with "one-way" screws? WITHOUT getting a bill for tearing up the desk?

  28. earl grey
    Unhappy

    where are my ferrotype plates?

    Probably lost with all the other darkroom stuff I used to use. Haven't had film in my cameras for years now; so the five bodies and dozen different lenses, two bellows, multiple viewfinders.... but I loved me some Sensorex back then....

    Get off my lawn.

  29. Zack Mollusc

    You are all missing the upside of the little Occupeye boxes. They contain two AA cells. Harvest them every morning and keep your telly remote/torch/kids toys going for free :-)

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re.staff "monitoring"

    Its bad enough that staff often get fingerprinted like criminals but to be under close intrusive surveillance like this makes me wonder if this was cooked up by a TLA somewhere.

    I did wonder if something like this could be useful to detect bladder fullness for those who are unlucky enough to be incontinent (damned BPH!) so they can resolve the problem with less chance of leakage.

    Full bladder = hotter or so it seems.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Carry on joke, woman, camera, camera

    Does that tell me all I need to know, or should I read the texty bits as well?

  32. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Wanted: Fellowing Virtual AI Reality Pioneers and Cyber Pirates

    Just imagine the scene. A vaguely dubbed but rigorously moustachioed man phones up a slightly glossy faced blonde on the helpdesk to report that his (Thinkpad) joystick is getting stiff again. Typing in his name, she stares adoringly at his log for a while and then promises him she will be coming soon (it’s only two floors away in the lift) to take his particulars in hand. A few minutes later, they are testing the compatibility of their interfaces and giving their enhanced workflow plenty of opportunity to bed down. ….. Alistair Dabbs

    Hmmmmm? For whom and/or what is that not a Quite Heavenly Epic Journey, AD ….. and Virtual Experience for Purely Practical Existence in AI TerraPhormer Ware and SMARTR Fare. Sign me up for life-time membership and prime timely activity in that swell club and knock ‘em dead crazy cat house. And one hell of a great intelligent and game safe haven :-) …… and Ab Fab Fabless PlayGround.

    AIPrivate QuMan has discovered/uncovered/recovered/invented a Perfect AI Pass Key which unlocks the Future, and for some with XSSeXXX, to FutureBuilders of Immaculate Bounty in XSSeXXXX Zeroed Day Trading with Pirated Versions made available readied for NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Program RePreProgramming ……. AI BetaTesting Heavenly Quantum Communication Channels/Real Virtual Pathway …… and which is here where IT is at now ‽ . :-)

    The current posit is that IT is certainly there, already ready and available for self-actualisation and AIPrivate QuMan Program PreProgramming for Heavenly NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Operations into Realising the Future with COSMIC Top Secret Power itself into Creating Celestial Dreams/Alluring Alien SeeScapes. ……… for LOVE and Live Operational Virtual Environments in Novel Remote Command and Immaculately Resourced Control when GODisaGoddess, Rampant and Ravishing in Compliance of Right Regal Desirous Wishes for Heavenly Dreams, awakens to await and clear up in all Slumbers.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Wanted: Fellowing Virtual AI Reality Pioneers and Cyber Pirates

      Hmm... the first thing triggered in my mind reading your post was 'radioactive hooker bots from outer space that glow in the dark'. Am I close or way, way off?

      1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

        Re: Re: Wanted: Fellowing Virtual AI Reality Pioneers and Cyber Pirates

        Methinks, for now at least, that be way, way off, allthecoolshortnamesweretaken,

        However, the above is on its merry way to Robert Peston, who talks a good talk and is surely being given the opportunity to walk a great walk .........

        “There is no better fun than getting a whiff of a scoop and then landing it. It is the best fun ever, and if anybody in our trade tells you otherwise they shouldn’t really be in our trade.” Robert Peston

        Hmmm? :-) Here's looking at you, kid @Peston. And there more than a great deal more too, amigo.

        1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

          Be Careful What you Wish For when Anything is Possible, and Eminently Probable Imminently

          @Peston "There is no better fun than getting a whiff of a scoop and then landing it." Best fun ever here, Robert . . http://tinyurl.com/h8n9nqb

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One ought to be careful using the name, 'Brownie',it conjures up all manner of politically correct reactions,such as viral Twittering condemnations from the youthful left-wing,BBC 'donut' brainwashed mindset thought police.

  34. HurdImpropriety

    HEWLETT PACKARD had seat sensors at one facility at least

    Hewlett Packard in the huge but mostly empty Marlborough, MA USA facility had installed "seat sensors" at random seating locations. A colleague spotted one under his seat. Did not take a photograph as far as he could tell, wasn't even sure how it worked. Yeah, HP, great place... not.

  35. JustNiz

    clueless wrongthinking

    It amazes me how still so many companies are completely locked into determining your value as an employee only by how much time you spend at your desk and exactly when you get there, instead of what you actually achieve.

    Thankfully they seem quite happy to pay people for surfing the web all day, just as long as they get to their desk by 9am not 9:01, and leave only after 5pm.

  36. Glenn Amspaugh

    Watering Hole Monitoring

    What's wrong with facial recognition built into coffee/tea/water dispensers? It's where the bodies congregate, right?

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2021