NASA announcement of MAJOR MARS DISCOVERY imminent: WHAT can it be?

The clock is counting down to NASA's imminent announcement as to just what the "major" discovery it has made on Mars could be. But there's still time left for us here at the Register to run one of our AI neural network bigdata analytics crowdsauce investigations, which should infallibly furnish the answer well beforehand. We …

[Voland's right hand]

I wish it was option one

Most likely it will be the moist option. While we are moving towards the Elon Musk option, we are still not there yet. In any case, knowing him, we are more likely to find his base on an asteroid - something that makes both economical and technical sense. Bases on Mars and Moon are politico's dreams. Any sane engineer will chose something with a shallower gravity well as their first off-Earth base.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I wish it was option one

Let’s hope this “announcement” is vetted better than NASA’s 1996 ALH84001 meteorite claim of microscopic evidence of Mars bacteria, that is believed by the Scientific Community to be bogus. Or vetted better than NASA’s 2010 claim to have discovered a bacterium in Mono Lake that used arsenic in place of phosphorus in it’s biochemistry, only the authors of the paper (Wolfe-Simon, et al, Science 332, 1163-1166 (2010), DOI: 10.1126/science.1197258) misanalysed their own data. A careful analysis of the data presented in said paper didn’t support the authors conclusions and the paper is now cited as an example of sloppy work and over hyped claims.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I wish it was option one

we are more likely to find his base on an asteroid

YES! However, the asteroid base price will have to be slightly upped to add Ominous Music. Without Ominous Music it cannot be a real asteroid base, can it?

[chivo243]

It can't be that special

There would have already have been a leak of the Special stuff if it was special.

[Darryl]

Re: It can't be that special

I hate it when the special stuff leaks

[Anonymous Coward]

Lord Lucan riding Shergar naked. I can't see it being anything else really.

[CaptainHook]

I think Shergar was always pretty close to naked, so I don't think that would be very surprising

[AndrueC]

Option one would be awesome..and more than a little scary. Sadly I think the most we can expect is moist dirt :-/

[Marc 25]

You're all wrong. Mars is going to collide with the Earth on a week next Tuesday (Matt Damon told me). It's gonna be one big game of intergalactic snooker.

Cue the Doug Wood Band

[Bc1609]

Re: Have you heard?

It's in the stars: next July we collide with Mars.

Well, did you ever?

[Hairless Biker]

Re: Have you heard?

What a swell party this is...

[scrubber]

Re: Mars is going to collide with the Earth on a week next Tuesday

Dear Mars,

See you next Tuesday.

[Forget It]

Huge in the dense grey ten together

Megalith-still. They breathed, making no move,

With draped manes and tilted hind-hooves,

Making no sound.

I passed: not one snorted or jerked its head.

Grey silent fragments

Of a grey still world.

http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/poem/the-horses/

[Gordon 10]

am I the only one who read the first line

and thought it was about Alien Greys?

[John Miles]

My Guess

Captain Black was believe killed

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: My Guess

Or something directing us to Pluto, where New Horizons found our relay to the rest of Council space.

[Khaptain]

David Miscavige rejoice

Dear Mr Miscavige,

I doubt very much that you will believe this but we have found Xenu..

L.R.H....

PS : I watched the HBO "Going Clear" report yesterday.....very interesting understanding how these scams work.

[Richard Wharram]

A conjoiner drive

Obviously.

[Gordon 10]

Re: A conjoiner drive

and where there are Conjoiner drives the Wolves are sure to follow.

[Voland's right hand]

Re: A conjoiner drive

That's fine provided that there are no cache weapons. Last thing we want is more doomsday devices.

[Doctor_Wibble]

Re: A conjoiner drive

Cache weapons? So we just throw money at them? Does that work?

[You Are Not Free]

I for one...

Welcome our moderately moist dirt overlords, even if they are now no longer moist and just dirt and have been for a billion years.

[Roger Kynaston]

Jabberwock

They hast found and slain the Jabberwock!

Beer because I had a lot over the weekend but still need more.

[Boris the Cockroach]

while

I've voted for Elon Musk, I suspect it will be the moist dead soil may have had life in it 300 billion years ago.

Option 1 (if it occoured) would never ever be made public along with all the other advanced life options because the world government, including the illumanti, masons, the guys that staged 9-11 and faked the moon landing would never allow us mere mortals to have such knowledge*

we can always hope though

*Statistical hint : If you add up the number of people involved with all the various conspiracies, there is no way any of them could be kept secret and what you have, if you believe in them, is paranoia

Ps dont bother turning off your computer, we can still watch you through it when its un-powered

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: while

Obligatory conspiracy theory link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6MOnehCOUw

[Craigness]

Re: while

"If you add up the number of people involved with all the various conspiracies, there is no way any of them could be kept secret and what you have, if you believe in them, is paranoia"

They've not been kept secret; people still don't believe them.

[Ragequit]

They've...

Grown some potatoes in some mildly moist dirt.

[Anonymous Coward]

It's a monolith, they also found one on earth with instructions not to touch uranus.

[Richard Wharram]

Well, certainly not before meals.

[Anonymous Coward]

> It's a monolith, they also found one on earth with instructions not to touch uranus.

As long as you wash your hands properly afterwards...

[gregthecanuck]

A sonic screwdriver...

[Anonymous Coward]

Well, you're out of date! Sadly, it's sonic sunglasses these days...

[gregthecanuck]

Think about it. What do you use to repair said sunglasses?

[John Bailey]

"Think about it. What do you use to repair said sunglasses?"

Sellotape.

[Phil O'Sophical]

They lied about Curiosity's emissions

And they'll be spending the next 50 years' budget on the EPA-mandated recall?

[Slacker@work]

Options 9 and 10...

Same thing isn't it?

[Your alien overlord - fear me]

Doesn't anyone watch the Sky 1 previews? "You,me and the apocalypse" is a fact based fly on the wall documentary and NASA is going to break the bad news that all these doomsday preppers will die with the rest of us.

[Khaptain]

"these doomsday preppers will die with the rest of us."

Thay can't die they are prepared for all possible outcomes whether they may be : Zombie Rampage, Alien Infestation or worse Mark Zuckerberg becoming King of the World.....

[cortland]

Alien or not, they're all the same

May I see your licence, sir?

[Graham Marsden]

O O

This is the voice of the Mysterons... We know that you can hear us!

[chemnerd]

Re: O O

Spectrum is green!

[Anonymous Coward]

@Graham Marsden

(busy listening to classic Goth rock via earphones) .. pulls one earphone out..

Eh? What? Did somebody say something? No? (shrugs, puts earphone back in, spots light circles dancing about)

Cool, disco lights! (switches tracks to 'Ride on Time', deposits handbag on the floor, revisits disco-dolly days..)

[Anonymous John]

Running water.

Not geological ages ago, but right now.

[Anonymous John]

Re: Running water.

Told you so.

[Hairless Biker]

BEAGLE II!!!

See above

[scrubber]

Re: BEAGLE II!!!

I'm hoping for Beagle 3 - that would really put the Schrodinger's cat among the causality pigeons.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: BEAGLE II!!!

what you, mean they found beagle 3... or even 4?! Gosh, time travel is proven then, hurray!

[Anonymous Coward]

Alternatively

They've found Beagle 2.

[Hairless Biker]

Re: Alternatively

Alright, Mycho, own up! Who got there first, me or you?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Alternatively

We may never know,

[Aled Balloon]

Re: Alternatively

The announcement is "Robot Wars from Mars - Beagle 2 vs Curiosity"

[Anonymous Custard]

Rock n Roll?

Come on - where's the poll option for "A rock"?

OK so a fossil is close, but there should be a smeggin' rock in there somewhere.

[stucs201]

Re: Rock n Roll?

The dirt options are just a rock ground up into lots of really tiny powdered rocks.

(Which reminds me of my galactic astronomy lecturer's assertion that planets were 'just big dust'.)

[Someonehasusedthathandle]

They have discovered a strange nuclear powered tank thingy with strange arms and holes in it's tyres.

Originally they thought it was just curiosity taking a selfie.

Curiouser and curiouser!!!

[Harry the Bastard]

no option for provocatively moist aliens?

...bearing a striking resemblance to anne francis* in forbidden planet, on a mission to teach us their advanced techniques of interspecies lurve and general happiness

*leslie nielsens and other alternate moist aliens are also available as required etc.

[Zwak7]

Mosquitos

Mosquitos: those fuckers serve no purpose on this planet, so must have come from another one on some crazy meteor joyride!

[Sceptic Tank]

99 red balloons go by.

[Daniel Hall]

58!!

To the 58 of you at the time of writing that chose the top option, I'm guessing that you are either:

A: American

B: Just stupidly optimistic

or

C: Taking the p*ss

[John 110]

Re: 58!!

OOh another poll!!

B. Stupidly optimistic

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 58!!

American or Stupid? A little of column A, a little of column B.

[Anonymous Coward]

They've found the source of Mars Bars

[Yugguy]

It's either aliens, or the Liberal's chances of ever getting any real power.

[John Deeb]

Ocean 1001001

Most likely, it's about the presence of an underground water reservoir, being the remnants of an ancient ocean. Large enough to cause some form of water cycle: evaporation, condensation, season based accumulation, leaking back a slope (equivalent of rain on Mars), accumulation, evaporation.... There are terrestrial equivalences.

Please come back to upvote me if this is accurate enough :)

[Anonymous Coward 101]

Re: Ocean 1001001

That is borderline interesting - so it won't be that. NASA hype the shit out of everything.

[Dr. G. Freeman]

They've finally found intelligent life....

on Earth.

[WylieCoyoteUK]

That will be a first.....

Maybe they found the ANY key

[Your alien overlord - fear me]

They've finally found intelligent life....

in America

[Somerset John]

Obviously.....

They found a Galactic Council planning department advisory on a new bypass, in a toilet, in a basement, surrounded by large felines.

Demolition starts Tuesday.

[Laura Kerr]

You're all wrong...

... they've found the BFG9000! Oh, yes.

[chemnerd]

A reason to play Also Sprach Zarathustra ?

[ColinSBarnes]

Elvis!

He's been hiding there all this time. :-)

[VinceH]

They definitely haven't found my secret underground base on Mars.

I haven't built it yet.

[The_Idiot]

Oh bugger. Mom? We're going to have to move the base. Sigh...

"There’s something you should know about the people Mom works for. They don’t exist.

I mean they really, really don’t exist. Really-really, like in ‘click your heels three times before you go to sleep and tell yourself they don’t exist’ don’t exist. The ruby shoes-day thing is optional. Because if they ever think you think they do exist, the red isn’t going to be your slippers. It’s going to be your you. It’s going to be your you while you bleed out and someone like Mom makes sure they were never there to start you bleeding. And there’s something else to know about them. Apart from them not existing, I mean. Because while they’re real busy not existing, they’re everywhere. Like, when the first rocket lands on Mars, someone in a little Martian office with lousy Martian coffee and great phone lines is going to be watching and phoning home. Probably while they keep a laser sight on some dumb astronaut’s ass."

[introdium]

a mars bar wrapper???

[WylieCoyoteUK]

A signature

Slartibartfarst's, perhaps, although he was best at doing fjords.....

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A signature

I hear tell Noctis Labyrinthus was one of his, too.

[Anonymous Coward]

They discovered that Volkwagen engines are more efficient on mars.

[mix]

God?

They've found a rock with "Jesus was here." scratched into the surface.

[Lostintranslation]

They've found flowing water according to The Independent.

*Turns over and goes back to sleep...*

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/nasa-mars-mystery-press-conference-likely-to-announce-that-dark-streaks-on-mars-are-flowing-water-a6670326.html

[Mtech25]

How i suspect it will go

Nasa Speaker :HI All the good news is that Nasa have found an advanced civilization willing to share all its technology with us, the bad news is Nasa is now in charge

(Nasa speaker laugh manically and pushes a button which send an energy beam at the US congress vaporizing it) .

Nasa Speaker: lets seem them cut our funding now!

[James O'Shea]

Re: How i suspect it will go

So... there's no downside to this, eh?

[stucs201]

Re: the bad news is Nasa is now in charge

I'm not so sure that would be bad news...

[JakHaxz]

They found plans that Earth is to be demolished by an alien construction crew, to make way for a new hyperspace motorway.

[Anonymous Blowhard]

The poll seems to be missing the "Hot Martian Princess" option:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dejah_Thoris

[arctic_haze]

The conference will be cancelled

They discovered a Jedi Master on Mars, who told them: "These aren't the discoveries you are looking for".

[IsJustabloke]

come on...

we've all seen the documentary "Iron Sky"

[Anonymous Coward]

amanfrommars .....

[Shaun 2]

Mark Watney's corpse.

Or potatoes.

[Bernard M. Orwell]

Mars? Surely you mean Duna?

They've found the Kraken!

KASA to send Jeb, Bill and Bob on an immediate survey mission.

Moar struts and boosters are rumoured to have been ordered!

[DrGoon]

It's liquid water

Presence of Lujendra Ojha of Georgia Institute of Technology and Alfred McEwen of HiRISE camera on the panel somewhat gives the game away.

[Anonymous Coward]

My guess...

A bored NASA operator on night shift used the rover's arm to write "I wish my alien was as moist and dirty as this" in the Martian soil.

Next day, NASA checked the video and underneath it was written "She is".

[Stephen Newman]

The chances of anything being on Mars, are a million to one?

My money's on someone's towel.

Steve.

[Anonymous Coward]

The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one.

BUT STILL THEY COME!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Just want to make sure we've covered...

Clangers and/or Soup Dragons, obviously

[arctic_haze]

Nasa's Flash usage

The conference will be transmitted in... Adobe Flash. Is HTML5 more difficult than rocket science?

[Your alien overlord - fear me]

How about an option for moist, dirt(y) aliens ?

[Haku]

They found a Quagaar space ship*

*smegging garbage pod

[Archie Woodnuts]

Ack! Ack ack ack! Ack ack ack ack ack! AAAAAAaaaaaaacck!

*spins up a copy of Indian Love Call*

[ecarlseen]

You win best response.

[Archie Woodnuts]

\o/

[ecarlseen]

I'm heartened...

... judging by the results, I can see that El Reg's readers have mastered the art of decrypting NASA's PR / Trolling for Funding comms....

[Yugguy]

ULLA!!!

It's water, bitches!!!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: ULLA!!!

Actually it's formerly wet dirt. Maybe it was wet very recently but they've not actually found water.

I predict a new mission entirely to camp an area likely to get wet and ping NASA central if it does.

[Drudgery Leak]

Fresh bugalow crap.

[Anonymous Coward]

I thought Starbucks already offered that.

[Bob Dole (tm)]

Obvious

It's obvious this "mars" announcement is really just a hollywood promotion for The Martian movie.

[Marvin O'Gravel Balloon Face]

Hopefully they've found a way of allowing upvotes on comments without needing to do a full page reload.

[onceuponatime]

manager: "Hey guys, budget meeting is coming up. I need something to convince congress we need more money."

<wavey lines>

Scientist: "Hey manager, we found something."

Manager: "What did you find?"

Scientist: "More dirt, lets make a press conference."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Lusty]

Water

We've got loads of water on earth! If you're going to look for something make it something we're short of, like helium, or whales. Wet rocks we've got, and nobody is even using the wet rocks we have other than the seals, and they are really only using a small proportion of the wet rocks...

[Filippo]

Re: Water

Any desert dweller would beg to differ. The location of a resource is important. It can change the value of the resource dramatically. When the location is extreme, the change in value can be equally extreme.

[Craigness]

Sexy shirts

Who cares about the groundbreaking scientific discovery, what's important is will the announcer's shirt will be sexist and ostracising.

[John 209]

Guess what?

We ran out of money this weekend, but we've established a crowd-fund, and as soon as it reaches $1B or so, we'll be able to present our data.

[Anonymous Coward]

Just like another day at the office

I know it'll amount to nothing yet I still hope for something.

Primed for disappointment.

[hatti]

Little green men who hate country and western

We come in peace, we are your friends.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Little green men who hate country and western

Yippee Ka-Yay, motherfucker!

[jrwc]

NASA "We have known for years there was water on Mars, but now we have discovered this mysterious molecule H2O. We are well on are way of proving life on other planets so send us tens or hundreds of billions of dollars to prove extra terrestrial life, and don't forget,we are into discovering more harmful things about that poison Carbon Dioxide."

[herne9]

Sorry I missed the survey. Wonder why Elvis wasn't one of the possible choices...