WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

This week’s caption competition used a picture from the Intel, announcing it had built a bra as the latest in wearable technology. used for caption comp Predictable but good was justincranford: Biting the hand that feeds T-IT, and we chortled at John H Woods' This could be dangerous in the wrong hands, let's keep it away …

[Dan McIntyre]

There were many things he *could* do. Obtaining a WiFi signal with his bare hand was not one of them.

[Trigonoceps occipitalis]

"Over here Steve, I think I've found prior art."

[Peter Gathercole]

Being a hermit was just so much more difficult since Twitter and Facebook were invented

[Anonymous Coward]

Excuse me how do I turn of UEFI on this laptop as it's the year of the linux desktop?

[Vortigern]

"....and Send."

Jesus sends apologetic email to the party - That's the last time he uses iOS maps.

[Peter Gathercole]

So now we know where Mike Oldfield put the Easter Egg of himself in MusicVR

[Anonymous Coward]

I've just asked my dad to have a word with Steve as it would appear this iPad Maxi has a stylus and looks like a surface tab. I wept.

[stucs201]

Hey Dad, my battery is getting low, can you send me a very small lightning bolt please?

[g e]

And Lo! He said 'let there be an iPhone 6s' and indeed verily there was.

[Peter Gathercole]

Rocks, yes. Tanks, of course. Flying saucers, OK. Smart Missiles, well if you have to. Religious manifestations? WTF?

This was not what I expected to see in the middle of the reboot of BattleZone

[Matthew 3]

Leaving me here in the desert? Wow, Dad really doesn't like Apples.

[i steal your leccy]

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, how many hard drives fell off the back of that lorry?

[Candy]

'JESUS FOUND ON MARS' – now obvious demons are from Venus

Yet again citizen observers have spotted something odd on Mars – this time what appears to be a messianic figure in a long flowing robe sitting in a desert.

"It looks like Jesus, partly covered by a laptop." said practically everyone. The messiah seems to have fingers on a raised right hand but opinion is divided about the presence of a thumb...

[Laura Kerr]

"Just take the bloody thing away, Cook."

[mark 120]

Adventure Game

"You are in a featureless desert. Choose a direction N S E W"

N

"You have been captured by pagans. Press Y to try again to successfully get your 12 tribes to the Promised Land"

[Julian 8]

1000 years in the future: How archaeologist's imagine Jonathan Ive got inspiration for the early MacBook Pro's

[John F. Jackson]

GodMode

GodMode on the Start menu in Windows 10 - who needs it?

[John F. Jackson]

Re: GodMode

Could never find JesusMode on Windows 8 - you?

[John F. Jackson]

Re: GodMode

I believe He only uses Norton GHOST for backups.

[lawndart]

Bugger off, HG, or I'll amend your Relationship Status to "It's complicated"

[John F. Jackson]

Testing

CTRL-ALT-DEL ... will do what to this universe?

[Caff]

Hit return

Jesus compiling GODos

[Bob H]

"Jesus always made time to complain on El Reg forums about rural broadband."

[mark 120]

RM -R *

There they go. I *knew* dinosaurs had been a mistake.

[CompuGuide]

"Thanks for the laptop, Dad, but do you think you could stretch to a Desk? My back's killing me!

[Eddy Ito]

And on the third day he did press the control and the alt and the delete keys simultaneously with his left hand for the third time and said "That's it! I'm going to reformat this partition and try that Linux thing."

[Steve K]

"Jesus!" exclaimed Andy Green, squinting through the windscreen as he applied full power to Bloodhound

[SolidSquid]

"Hold on, I just want to watch one last cat video. What do you mean it's been 40 days?"

[Daniel Hall]

Dear Dad

Jesus sits patiently waiting. Repeated "GOD" (Get Online Dad) requests were unfortunately falling on deaf ears.

[Anonymous Coward]

"You're the 666th visitor to this site! Click here to claim your prize!1!!!"

Hmmm, tempting ....

[adnim]

Hold on a minute dad, just let me finish this level.

[BenBell]

...and with that final keystroke or glory, Simon finished the next episode of BOFH.

[JASR]

Jesus claims his spot in the fanbois iPhone 6s queue at the Bethlehem Apple store, early.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

And here we see Jesus turning from Windows to Wine.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

Jesus calls for more cloud storage

[Bob Vistakin]

Let there be WiFi

[John F. Jackson]

Gateway

“I am the gateway; if anyone enters through Me, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find the Internet.” John 10:9

[Evoflash]

"Mass storage? does it keep the sermon too?"

[Ol'Peculier]

After the laptop rebooted unexpectedly, there was no data lost. Because Jesus Saves.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

..but Moses scores on the rebound.

Ba dum dum tish

[Evoflash]

"One more minute Dad, I'm playing Populous - it's really good."

[John F. Jackson]

Eureka!

Eureka - I've found Archimedes website!

[Tromos]

Moses took all the tablets, so I had to settle for a laptop.

[John F. Jackson]

To the Cloud

Look to the cloud!

[Anonymous Coward]

Bob

It looks like you're writing some Commandments. Would you like help?

[denzil]

cloud storage ..... ill show them cloud storage

[Queeg]

"Yes Dad I know."

I'm still not sure if I own the Copyright to "Jesus Phone"

"Why don't you ask Abaddon to get one of his lawyers to check with that Jobs guy."

"Then screw forgiveness, we'll smite them for eveything they have."

[John F. Jackson]

OneDrive ... sounds like my sort of filesystem ...

[Crosseyed and Painless]

Not liking the forgot password questions on this set up

1) What was your city of birth?

2) What is your mother's maiden name?

3) What is your fathers middle name?

[lawndart]

A few painful seconds later, Neil discovered the Lumio app wasn't quite as beneficial as he thought.

[Brent Longborough]

« On teh Internets, nobody knows you're a Messiah »

[Crosseyed and Painless]

Dad are you cheating on God mode again

[simmondp]

I don't understand number 11; "Thou will be sceptical of everything on the Internet"

[John F. Jackson]

The Hand

The Hand of God ... is not required if you have Cortana!

[ingie]

So, let's see...

I..D..P..I..S..P..O..P..D ... hmm

I..D..K..F..A ... not quite...

I..D..D..Q..D.. ... AHA!

[Naselus]

In an act that caused much confusion later, Jesus finished converting H2O onto WINE.

[msknight]

When I asked you to bring "The Last Supper" in to the digital age, this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

[Will Godfrey]

The God of Computers says: "You are about to make a mistake."

[Peter Gathercole]

I came all this way to find the meerkat, and it appears the bloody snake actually did manage to get it!

(see my suggestions in caption comp. #2)

[A K Stiles]

Silicon valley was really starting to show signs of the prolonged drought.

[ingie]

And lo, I posted unto my timeline

RT me, and I shall make you phishers of men.

[msknight]

Dad, I've finished single player. Can you create someone for me to play with please?

[Peter Gathercole]

There's this Brian guy following me around.

I know, I'll Google him, and see what this is all about.

[Steve Evans]

Mobile computing isn't all about convenience... For example, right now I could use both hands, and double my productivity, but if I do the red sea is likely to come back.

We all have to make sacrifices.

[Oliver 7]

In his downtime Jesus liked to hone his hacking skills - white hat, natch!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

What this "desert of the real" needs is guns. Lots of guns.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Where the hell did that 'chair' button get to?

[Vinyl-Junkie]

He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty fanboi!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

If God is in (say) the desert, and nobody sees him, does he really exist?

[Comedy of Errors]

And lo Apple sayeth "Let there be God", and then there was God.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

"Hmmm... That's kind of ironic. I always thought I'd use an Apple-branded computer"

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Fair warning, Windows 10---this is my smiting finger!

[Rob]

Hang on Peter, it says it'll finish copying in 10 minutes, no... wait... 5 minutes... oh hang on... it's 8 min-no wait it's 45 minutes... how long will this sea stay parted for?

[Peter Gathercole]

The problem if being Omnipotent is that there is just so much to know. Maybe MapReduce will help!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

As a non-interventionist God, Yaweh has plenty of time to chat with buddies Thor, Zeus, Shiva and the gang over IRC.

[RoninRodent]

Trust in God; trust also in me. Behold, I give you 4chan.

[johnnybee]

Er, Dad...

Listen, thanks for prepping the slides for my next sermon, but the signal's terrible here and the progress bar says 40 days remaining.... (xkcd ref: ...no, 3 minutes.... no, 2 and a half weeks)

[Omniaural]

You're welcome here at least Windows 9.

[Rol]

"One handed typing? Why yes, but the other is holding the sky up and not what I think you're implying"

[Omniaural]

uh...where's the saviour button gone?

[Omniaural]

I am the cloud

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

All right! I'm actually DOING IT! I'm CHECKING MY EMAIL!

I just wish there was someone here to see how clever I am :(

[Omniaural]

Get me Steve Jobs. I'm done with Windows.

[Omniaural]

Uh Steve. I'm bored with this now. When can I have my seat back?

[ingie]

SON!

... er, yes dad?

I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT PORNHUB.

... oh, fuck your omniscience, dad.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

WHHAT? Atari ST better than an Amiga? No way! How will I show this cretin the error of his ways? Hmmm. Let's see--plague, famine, pestilence, ... Ah, Herpes! That should do the trick.

[johnnybee]

JC Timeline

JC: "Look, look - I'm holding up the Sun"

Matt, Luke and 8 others like this

Tom: "B*****ks you are!"

[Rol]

"Didn't I pass the test, oh father? I refused an Apple and now you blight me with a Chromebook"

[Anonymous Coward]

New service deletes embarrassing selfies from the entire internet.

[Rol]

I hold my hands up on this one. Walking on water, water into wine, healing the sick, but coming up with a catchy phrase to get a desperately needed Western Digital hard drive is beyond me.

[Rol]

"Yes, it was me. Even the son of God farts sometimes"

[VinceH]

Ha! Those buggers at GCHQ won't be able to monitor my browsing habits all the way out here!

[Primus Secundus Tertius]

Miracles

Sure I do miracles. I can make shadows face the sun.

[Rol]

"He's a very naughty boy. Ha ha. This is so me"

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

"These overclock settings should really improve my FPS" (Fools Pitied per Second)

[Rol]

"Err, just one question father. Sharks with lasers? Was that you or is there something in this Darwin theory?"

[Groaning Ninny]

Left a bit... right a bit... hold it there, I've got a picture...

oh, it's channel 5.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Thank Sweden for IKEA. I can't believe I forgot to create some furniture.

[Rol]

The service here is terrible.

"Where's my frothy latte, for Christ's sake?"

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

That's funny. I always thought I'd be black.

[Rol]

"Son"

"Yes, father"

"It's not a bloody piano, and you're not Beethoven, so tap the keys gently or you'll break it."

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

The fact that Jesus was a Trinity sometimes had some practical advantages--like getting around the Net Nanny firewall when he wanted to watch porn.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

On the Internet, only dyslexics know you're a god.

[Rol]

ə-VAH-də kə-DAH-vrə Westboro Baptist Church, be gone.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

The Bible never explained what Jesus actually got up to in his 40 days in the desert.

[Rol]

"A plague of goats on your houses"

Jesus unwittingly feeding the trolls.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

¿ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ uᴉ sƃuᴉɥʇ ǝɹɐ ʍoɥ 'ᴉH

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

If the "any" key did not exist, then He would have to create it.

[Gobhicks]

He's not the Messiah, he's a very nerdy boy

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Well what do you know? Matt Groening was right---Sky Finger does only have three fingers on each hand.

[Anonymous Coward]

Oi dad,

3 bloody days to respawn is taking the Michael...

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Practising disco moves with YouTube: #17 screwing in the lightbulb.

[Anonymous Coward]

Hang on dad,

i'm just putting a picture of myself on here, it's gonna be my screen saviour.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

What do you mean I have to make it topical? I'm ALWAYS topical.

[Anonymous Coward]

Dear Twitterati

How did I feel about being crucified?

Cross!

[hi_robb]

Erm.

Oh, you said "UNIX SHELL", thank God!

[John F. Jackson]

Dictionary Lookup

adjective, noun, verb

1. devine

a frequent misspelling of divine.

[MerseyMal]

Despite being in the wilderness he was able to connect to Jehovafone's 4Jesus network

[DanJB]

WiFi

"Forty days and Forty nights in the desert and still no WiFi! Now that's a fast"

[dowdinsk]

So he was there with the Windows Updates downloading forty days and forty nights; he did not eat pizza or drink beer. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant, the Windows Ten Commandments

[Anonymous Coward]

Ballmer!

Omnipotent, and I still can't make Windows 8 work on this chuffing thing

[Poet_69]

Lament

Dad 40 years in the desert is not long enough for fault finding Windows Vista!

[ChrisJones74]

Jesus plays 'Spock' in his fathers 'Lizard' in their skype game.

[Poet_69]

Lament

If I wasn't losing enough believers, they will truly crucify me for the MaxI Pad

[smigielko]

ctrl+alt+del

Project Earth. Ctrl+Alt+Del. Restart.

[Poet_69]

SIgn of the times

I know what I did for Lazarus but this Maxi Pad is beyond saving!!

[Poet_69]

Using Apple Maps

Been forty bloody years and still looking for the promised land!!

[Poet_69]

Jesus private thoughts

I am tempted to raise Steve Jobs from the dead so he can see what thy have made of his vision, no pen my arse!

[Poet_69]

Tech support

If you just use the 3 finger salute Jesus, you'll be right in no time!

[taveirne]

Hey Dad? Can I get one of those hard drives too?

[Poet_69]

Say What!!

The Feds took down my Tor end point, how else are all the little children to cum unto me???

[WillJP]

In the beginning was the Word and the Word was a bit of a pain in the a**e.

Then some bright spark thought of putting it in the Cloud.

You can get crucified for an idea like that.

[Frogworthy]

Dad I think 10 command lines are enough!

[Stax]

Jesus just couldn't look away from two girls one grail.

[DancesWithLice]

On his seventh try, Jesus totally nailed his vacation selfie

[MaxHeadroom]

who am I to deny that maybe God is me?

Francis has asked me to hold the sea open for another half an hour. I'm going to be a little late getting your phone to you.

[Steve Hillier]

"Jesus saves."

[tiln]

Cloud

"Pardon me, I cannot connect to the cloud which I am sitting in."

[ChrisJones74]

Jesus played 'Spock' to his fathers 'Lizzard'

[bigp2]

Nope, still not getting it. Can someone come over and explain pointers to me.

[MaxHeadroom]

who am I to deny that maybe God is me?

Francis has asked me to hold the sea open for another half an hour. I am going to be a little late delivering your phone.

[DancesWithLice]

Revealed, the true explanation behind the 'near miraculous' event of The Fappening...

[Greeba]

Water to Wine was a bit New Testament, so the 21st century Messiah webcast his latest miracle over holy wireless finger antenna, sat in the path of the Bloodhound SSC speed trial and tweeting "#letsseewhosurvivestheimpact"

[Dave 44]

Hmm,, maybe I should check if my details have been leaked ..

<tap><tap><tap>

<google>

<tap><tap><tap>

<Ashley Madison database look up>

search...

[RAMstein]

On the old laptop again as Moses keeps nicking the tablets...

[Dave 44]

the real snippet from -life of Brian

JESUS: They shall have the Slackware...

GREGORY: What was that?

JESUS: ...for their possession. How blest are those...

MR. CHEEKY: I don't know. I was too busy talking to windows.

JESUS: ...who hunger and thirst to see...

MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the linuxers'

JESUS: ...right prevail.

MRS. GREGORY: Ahh, what's so special about the linuxers?

GREGORY: Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of crappy software...

[chowden]

Given the man upstair's insistence on communicating over non-standard ports he realised the firewall rules on his router needed reviewing

[td0s]

JESUS SAVES

to the cloud

[PinchAPint]

Our Privacy Policy

During the Question & Answer session with Microsoft's then-Chief Privacy Officer Judas Iscariot, Jesus realizes -- perhaps too late -- that Microsoft's Cloud Privacy Policy does indeed permit Microsoft to disclose private user data to third-world authoritarian regimes, but only when presented with a legally obtained order from a court of competent jurisdiction.

[sc631]

40 days and 40 nights was pushing it even for the latest Jesus laptop....

[alban1964]

Hi, Elton? Son of God here. No, really.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

OK ... "rec.jokes" ... "first mention of elasticity" ... "Haha. I get it. I get jokes!"

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

You don't need Yahoo Weather

To know which way the wind blows.

[hi_robb]

2nd effort.

The battery on this laptop is superb, it lasts a deity.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

NSFW?

The second coming took on a whole new dimension after Jesus discovered porn sites.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Due to a mix-up in the procurement department, the tablets of the law shipped on an anachronism.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

as if that wasn't bad enough, shipping sent it to Jesus.

[Josh Cain]

The line for my phone starts to the right.

[msknight]

Guys... guys... I think I've found it. The cake wasn't a lie.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Hmm... I don't get it. According to these GPS coordinates, DesertViXXXen should definitely be meeting me here.

[msknight]

"Press any key..." ...ummm....

[lek]

"...AND LET THERE BE LIGHT! Damn this screen glare is terrible!"

[Andrew Jones 2]

Hold on Dad, someone is wrong on the internet and I must correct them.

[D.B.]

Audiences at Oculus connect 2 demo session were wowed by the fidelity of its Google+ integration.

[lek]

..and on the seventh day, God realised he'd spent the last seven days reading status updates and pretending to run a farm.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Screw Crysis, Portal and all those interminable FPSes. Only Populous really "got" what Jehovah was looking for in a game. With the smiting! The human sacrifices! And the deluges! Oy Vey, they were the good times!

[msknight]

Hey guys, just got an e-mail from Pontius. He liked the hand soap we bought.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Ironic, eh? Me, a carpenter, and not even a stick of furniture.

[lek]

Even with following guides on the Internet, Jesus never could get that Vulcan greeting right.

[i steal your leccy]

And...'unfriend' Richard Dawkins!

[i steal your leccy]

"Hmm, do i want to open a Grinder Account??" <click Accept>

[i steal your leccy]

"Noo, you take your robes off first, Cardinal."

[i steal your leccy]

"Minecraft is BRILLIANT!!"

[Tubz]

Jesus !, even I can't stop an unwanted Windows 10 upgrade !

[i steal your leccy]

"Halo or Carpentry.....Halo it is."

[i steal your leccy]

"Fuck!!, some Twat on Twitter's just called my mum a Whore!!.....oh wait a minute..."

[i steal your leccy]

"No dad, i haven't put you in my Spam Folder."

[i steal your leccy]

"After 2000 yrs the Middle East should've calmed down by now..........oh fuck!!!"

[i steal your leccy]

"Yes, i'm surprised i'm so White as well."

[adnim]

These atheists have some compelling arguments dad, are you sure you exist?

[i steal your leccy]

"Look!, i can make the blind see and the lame walk, but even i can't patch Adobe Flash Player!"

[PinchAPint]

Jackpot

$alvation-as-a-Service? Jackpot!

[i steal your leccy]

"My mum needs some new jugs to hold water in, but this time she wants Really Large Ones.....hmm i wonder what i should type into the address bar?"

[i steal your leccy]

"Robert Powell looks fuck all like me!"

[i steal your leccy]

"Lets see how many views i got of that 'Walking On Water' video i did."

[KnightGarion]

1) Bless my little namesake... the 6s.

2) Waiter?

3) Finally the new one is on sale ! I'll take one !!

[KnightGarion]

Telecommuting... it's for EVERYONE.

[i steal your leccy]

"Lets see...dating sites, dating sites....i tell ya, i am NOT dying a Virgin for the third time in a row! No fuckin way Jose!"

[PinchAPint]

BOFH tries a new tactic to close support tickets from difficult clients ..

[i steal your leccy]

NOOO, i DON'T want to install the ASK Toolbar!!"

[Eddy Ito]

Jesus, unplugged

Finally! Someplace quiet where I can concentrate and get some work done. Lord knows these folks aren't going to save themselves.

[i steal your leccy]

"Do i want to take a survey?" <sigh>

[i steal your leccy]

"These Semi-Evolved Monkeys really love cat videos, don't they!"

[lawndart]

He held his hand high in a theatrical gesture for a moment, then swiftly brought his index finger down on the Enter key.

It didn't compile.

[Ciaran McHale]

When the Skype call connected, Jesus said, "Peter, I can see your house from here."

[Rol]

"scuse me, while I touch the sky......dur dur dur, dur dur dur.

Purple maze, in the drain, nothing, I can't see the Seine."

Hendrix before acid.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

After death, Christians go to heaven and meet this guy. Atheists, on the other hand, are sent to the Matrix. I know which Trinity I'd rather share eternity with!

[Rol]

Are you sure about this John? Running for the presidency, dressed in sandals has never worked before.

[Rol]

Jesus practices and practices, but he still messed up the moves at the Village People gig.

[Bryn Evans]

The Jesus Phone

Universal Cloud Computing

Lightening Battery Charger

What is there not to like?

[Rol]

Five? Mmm. No. Five thousand. Yep, that's better.

Jesus gets editing privileges on Wikipedia.

[Rol]

Yea, though I sit in the shadow of Silicon Valley, I will do no evil: for prior art forbades me.

[Anonymous Coward]

If I hold my hand JUST SO, the shadow looks like Steve Jobs.

[Barely registers]

2043AD - Lewis Page finds inspiration for his latest "Climate Change isn't a problem" article from the Kentish badlands.

[POSitality]

This doesn't look like the Vatican! Oh Apple Maps, why hast thou forsaken me?

[Beornfrith]

"I can't find any water but I've got WINE working just fine."

[Ken Rennoldson]

JC, phone home

[Fibbles]

Jesus found that the ability to turn water into wifi was, whilst impressive, not of much use in the middle of the desert.

[PK]

Oh mum! Why do you have show up in all my icons?

[Phil O'Sophical]

Noah wants a private cloud? I'll show him clouds.

[Rol]

"A coffee cost me 50 Shekels in Bethlehem and my robe only cost 10, I'd be quite upset if I spilt robe on my coffee"

"Who? Martin Pilgrim? Would he be interested in sharing a platter or two?"

[TitterYeNot]

Episticles 5:10-11 - 'And our lord spake unto the empty wilderness "Lo, Holy Steve, I darest thee, pullest thou upon my finger..."'

[David Fisher]

Partition Error

That is not good! "Warning: Partition 'Milky Way Galaxy' has become corrupt beyond repair. S)hutdown, R)einitialize, or E)rase?"

[Fibbles]

Richard Stallman's self image is somewhat detached from reality.

[toughluck]

$ make desert

When the dust settled he realized that may have been a spelling mistake... and the waiter is probably no longer around.

[Pomgolian]

It doesn't take divine inspiration to pwn Donald Trump's website, but my god, it's soooo much fun.

[Kev99]

One moment...There's a problem with God chip in this device.

[Hans 1]

Smite

2 minutes, dad, let me try again with Thor.

[3v3rywh3r3]

The grafters agree with this

It's great being a middle manager and working from home.

[Kaltern]

@TheRealJesus - Dad finally got online! #PraiseTheLord

[msknight]

Jesus held his fingers up to cool. Installing android on a laptop wasn't such a smart move.

[MyffyW]

JC - he's not the messiah - he's the leader of the opposition.

[Anonymous Coward]

NSA corners world's oldest terrorist online.

[Lith]

What do you mean I'm not invited to the launch of the phone named after me?

[MyffyW]

Satan: "All these things I will give you if you fall down and do an act of worship to me.”

Jesus: "Get away, Satan! It is written: 'The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve. And anyway, I run Linux."

[Velv]

And He said "Let there be cloud". And lo, there was.

[Ball2000]

Postpone Rapture

He's still installing SunOS

[AlgernonFlowers4]

Hugh are you?

Yes you can have a blowjob Mr Grant or my name isn't Divine Brown!

[AlgernonFlowers4]

Tits looking for a devine response - Jesus Christ, "It's divine!"

[Ole Juul]

higher power

Connecting to the network of your understanding.

[Rajinder]

They got ma birthday wrong

[flipflopper]

Egos were getting out of hand at the American drone control centre.

[M7S]

Does this multi-touch gesture demean me in the eyes of the faithful?

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm right clicking - nothing seems to be happening. Oh wait...

[Browser2015]

See Icon

I would have got a Mac but I hate personality cults.

The Devil's got the best I Tunes.

Just another day in second line support.

Windows error code oxA6F4D811CC please reboot universe

Let there be drivers

I thought I was omniscient before I saw Google.

Dead Sea Scrolling

Inbox : prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, Nigerian Prince, prayer, prayer, prayer, Ohh! Viagra.

That's the right to be forgotten sorted.

[i steal your leccy]

COME TO DADDY!

Exclusive: Sneak Preview of Aphex Twins new video!

[i steal your leccy]

"Ive played a Werewolf a Football Manager and Kenneth Williams, so i thought fuck it, why not?"

'Michael Sheen justifying his new role as Jesus Christ in The Expendables 4'

[Marcus Fil]

He thanked his father for another accomplished feat of creation, but JC had not reckoned on having to wait another 2000 years for Windows 10.

[DarkLordofSurrey]

God I hate these fecking Register caption competitions!

[msknight]

Forty days in the wilderness was easier to stomach in the modern age.

[Anonymous Coward]

Running Windows under Virtualisation, Spotify is recommending 'Rivers of Babylon' and 'Daddy Cool' by Boney-m.

[Anonymous Coward]

Might not be an intergalactic superhighway this time round, but I'm not budging for that inbound Mars Curiosity Rover, anytime soon.

[Anonymous Coward]

In this environment, its a real struggle to work out the actual colour of the 'Rose Gold' iPhone 6s.

[Anonymous Coward]

Keeps defaulting to booting into Linux. Do I look like a Linux fan or something?

[DarkLordofSurrey]

GCHQ's promotional KARMA poster..

[Anonymous Coward]

As for the virtual world, I pretty much invented one click delivery.

[i steal your leccy]

"Daemon Tools??....that sounds like the Devil's work!"

[Anonymous Coward]

"Daemon Tools??....that sounds like the Dust Devil's work!"

[i steal your leccy]

<username required>..."Hmm...oh yeah!", S-P-A-W-N-O-F-S-A-T-A-N..."Wicked!"

[Al fazed]

Here's two fingers to you dad

you are still using the same password on all of your accounts

[i steal your leccy]

The 'Bill Bailey' lookalike contest on Instagram gets an unexpected entrant!

[Anonymous Coward]

"Ok, when I checked myself out on LinkedIn I didn't expect to see a picture of Steve Jobs!"

[i steal your leccy]

BREAKING NEWS!!

Exclusive photo shows the seconds before a suspected ISIS radical was blown up by a US Drone strike!

[i steal your leccy]

Young Graduate rues his Student days when Wonga refuses his Online Loan application because of his involvement in the 'Overthrowing Of The Money Changers Tables', riots of 2011

[Ball2000]

Postpone Rapture

Still installing SunOS

[msknight]

"Press Enter to install Windows 10" ... now hang on a minute...

[Buster]

Honest father, I was searching for "rack storage solution".

[Huw Barnes]

might explain alot

Hang on - just one more go at Candy Crush and then I'll fix the world...

[miscellaneousMoose]

End of the world

> bless --unbless earth

[Welcome Aboard Admiral]

And on the seventh day it came to pass that the Holy Call Centre of Antioch did answer the phone...

[cortland]

A voice in the Wilderness saying

Bless them Father, for they have sinned, Its SIX terabytes, not 666.

[Bbbbit]

Bad pun alert

Little did Jesus know he was about to suffer a Cross Site Framing attack.

[geoffslea]

... the voice from above said "switch it off and back on again"

[Carl Pearson]

Uhm, Dad? The signal bars are really weak here. A little help?

[packrat]

trolls

kind of a vicious neighbourhood, but I like trolls.

it's stuck on reply-all, tho.

[Malik01]

Hax? I will show you Hax.

[Malik01]

Cloud storage? You are out of your league son.

[Dr Patrick J R Harkin]

Water into wine? Walk on water? Raise the dead? How zeroeth century. Watch this. I can do a three finger salute WITH TWO FINGERS!

[Peter Higgins 1]

Ten commandments

1. Don't let Moses near those tablets!

2. Don't let Moses ...

...

[michaelJ]

Moses - Shocking Revelation

We've got to give up these stone tablets and move with the times. So long as the solar batteries last.

[g00se]

Moses told me to get one of these. His tablet was just too prohibitive

[Oliver 7]

"Let's see now, WalkOnWater.exe, AlmsToPoor.exe, ah here it is, FillRedSea.exe, double-click.Oh shit, better move!"

[Oliver 7]

Thought-bubble - "I love The Sims".

[Oliver 7]

"Let's See..."

Sub PearlyGates()

If Believer = True Then

Soul = Saved Else

Soul = Damned

End If

If Belieber = True Then

Soul = DamnedForAllEternity

End If

Call Peter(Soul)

End Sub

"The world runs on Excel!"

[Oliver 7]

Dear Monsanto,

The genomes in your products are modified versions of prior art, owned by Jehovah Laboratories Inc. Our lawyers stand ready to act upon any further infringement.....

[Evoflash]

Windows 10 Commandments Edition - Best on Tablets (stone)

[Evoflash]

Second Coming to be screened live on Twitch.

[Evoflash]

Skylake eh? Well, this used be a lake...and there's the sky...bit of magic....

[theleader]

Holy orders

“Success! Par-ty time is near! Just ordered small pizza with anchovies & bottle of diet coke, should be enough for all of us, plus a £1 off if it's not delivered within 30mins! Whose the doutting Thomas I couldn't get a good wifi signal out here?

Anybody got any silver coins as tip for he pizza delivery person?”

[Evoflash]

Jesus: "6TB you say? If only I could think of an amusing caption"

[DancesWithLice]

Jesus' forty days and forty nights in the wilderness flew by thanks to El Reg's lively mixture of news, entertainment and up-to-the-minute tech reviews.

[Anonymous Coward]

Well that showed Ed Miliband at least, Tablets are not always the best way to communicate with people.

[Evoflash]

"OH YEAH? I'LL SHOW YOU A GOD-DAMNED LIGHTNING CABLE!"

[twhite]

"That cup will need washing, and the girls will go to hell..."

[John F. Jackson]

3. And God said:

"Let there be Lightroom".

[Alan Ferris]

I can't think of a witty title

So where do I put the loaves and fishes?

[Itchy Rus]

"Well, 40 days n 40 nights in this place are gonna go a lot faster once Facebook get that satellite up there!.....C'Mon!!!"

[Newsman2015]

Torture: Windows Vista on a laptop

[Newsman2015]

And God said "Let there be Linux!" and it was good!

[s. pam]

No Carly, you cannot make the other Presidential debaters wear those!