WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

We're on a roll with the caption competition and this week’s picture of a snake reading The Reg showed some great wit. Readers entered the vivarium for a chance to win a Western Digital Black, 6TB hard disk. Regular competition entrant i steal your leccy offered This is not the python tutorial i wanted!, while Ol'Peculier:The …

[BenBell]

Intel gets in on the storage game, combines techies two favourites hobbies

[Doctor Syntax]

"Normally we say please try to keep it SFW, but given the content.." Further comment superfluous.

[Ben Bonsall]

As with all Haute Couture, you'd feel a right tit wearing it in public...

[Andy Non]

It conceals the nipple guns perfectly.

[Andy Non]

To make a payment at the supermarket I just have to bend over the card reader.

[Uncle Slacky]

Reminds me of the NTNOCN sketch

"American Express?

That'll do nicely, sir, and would you like to rub my tits too?

Put your head in between them and go 'blubble blubble blubble' with American Express."

[Ben Bonsall]

Now, as to programming the thing, lets get down to bras stacks.

[msknight]

"It's fitted with a face recognition sensor and bluetooth technology. If it detects someone looking straight at it, then it sends a request to the wearers smart watch to slap them in the face."

[Andy Non]

I love getting my hands on new technology.

[Anonymous Coward]

On the lines of the whistle activated key fob, new "Did I remember to wear a bra?" tech may need refinement.

[Andy Non]

If you are pulled over by a traffic cop, it auto-inflates.

(Terminator 3 reference)

[Andy Non]

Perfect if you are breast feeding a little Android.

[sjaddy]

For our second version we are linking it with MyVibe!

[Andy Non]

If I get an email it alerts me by making my nipples tingle.

[Andy Non]

Great for jogging in with the bounce cancelling technology.

[Peter Gathercole]

@Andy Non

I think that should be "debounce" technology!

[Andy Non]

I've isolated the problem; it keeps downloading Windows 10.

[BlartVersenwaldIII]

Of corsets underwired.

[Peter Gathercole]

Never mind the quality, feel the width!

[Anonymous Coward]

Meet the Katie Price special edition bra, just right for those silicone bits.

[Peter Gathercole]

Miss Brahms on the telephone: "Ladies' intimate apparel...I said, Ladies' intimate apparel...oh, all right then, the knickers and knocker counter!"

(Are You Being Served, The Apartment)

[Andy Non]

You press the left nipple to select the required feature then the right nipple to run it. Double press both nipples to remove the bra.

[Peter Gathercole]

It's part of our tele-dildoncis range

[Peter Gathercole]

Although she admired the technology, Madonna did not think the styling was sufficiently outrageous for her stage show.

[Andy Non]

The wearer's range should be somewhat improved when we make a version that doesn't run on mains electricity.

[Locky]

My eyes are up here techies

[Adam 1]

You would have to be a bit of a tit to like the latest IoT invention.

[StuartF]

Rather than use the familiar tick-tock cycle. Intel introduces the ding-dong cycle for it's digital bra

[Ed3]

"...and here are the onboard fire sensors. When fire is detected the unit automatically sends a friendly Email to the wearer's emergency contacts, calls 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3, and plays an audible alarm declaring 'FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!'."

[Andy Non]

And with the matching panties, we'll have somewhere to store the battery.

[Julian 8]

Silica to inflate the boobs, now silica to protect the boobs.

BRAM - Boob RAM

coming soon to a car near you. "Protect your assets"

As soon as the car detects it is an accident the bra will expand and become an extra set of airbags to ensure the essential area's are well protected from impact.

We decline to comment on the rumours of an impending hack to allow women to make use of this feature in brs / nightclubs

[Efros]

I said siliCON dearie, siliCON... not CONE!

[Peter Gathercole]

Ashlee had not worked out that the web-punters were paying to see her take it off!

[Anonymous Custard]

Aren't you a little buxom for a stormtrooper?

[TitterYeNot]

The Intel engineering team realise that they may have overdone the 'Smart' when their new bra starts to complain about the terrible pain in all the diodes down its left strap.

[SW10]

Pay attention now, 007...

[Peter Gathercole]

"Call that bra smart? It's the ugliest piece of lingerie that I've ever seen!"

[Andy Non]

We've had a product endorsement from seven of nine.

[Simon Davidson]

These babies are going to pay for themself

[Anonymous Coward]

Silicon tits sell bits.

[Peter Gathercole]

Although her roots matched the trim, a last minute change of the colour spoilt the effect by no longer matching the rest of her hair!

[Anonymous Custard]

The team were shocked to learn that the T in IoT actually didn't stand for things...

[John H Woods]

This could be dangerous in the wrong hands, let's keep it away from the Norks.

[Peter Gathercole]

The quality inspector pointed out to the management that he machinists really had to stop leaving lose threads on the finished garment

[John H Woods]

The only trouble is that it goes titsup if you lie back

[Anonymous Coward]

We believe her crime was motivated by the discovery that she had been wearing self-aware underwear as much as that it had recorded her singing Justin Bieber.

[msknight]

Teleconferencing was the only way to be safe when reviewing the bra's defensive capabilities.

[Phil O'Sophical]

"I'm really sorry, Jenny, but I can't find your missing nipple in here anywhere."

[Anonymous Custard]

Intel demonstrates their new 2 jigglebit storage device

[Andy Non]

The latest in mal-wear.

[Ironclad]

...but when I wear it I can't collect my thoughts, it's got to be some kind of mammary error.

[Anonymous Coward]

Where's that snake gone?

[My Opinion]

Of the options we offer, we have found the most popular by far to be the one with two mammary slots.

[Evoflash]

"...correct, in the presence of a Bluetooth Windows Mobile device the bra automatically locks to protect the owner from potentially making a bad choice of partner."

[Evoflash]

"We tried to write a Linux driver, but Linux users have no idea what a bra is"

[Evoflash]

Yorkshire people in shock as droves of women are goin' t'ell for smartbra usage.

[Evoflash]

Intel: Kings of the Silicon Valleys.

[nijam]

The wires aren't long enough, so it must be one of those underwired ones.

[PipV]

Keeping abreast with technology

[My Opinion]

To increase mammary size you just gently stroke the two front buttons simultaneously.

[edwardbr]

May I jack in?

[Robert Grant]

Been for too long on a Smartibrafast? Break it with this IT Crowd-inspired tech!

[Fruit and Nutcase]

P̶o̶w̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ Supported by Intel

Intel Outside

[Red Bren]

This is the 32GB-cup version

[g00se]

I.T. here. Can you show us your Support Level please?

[Fruit and Nutcase]

New Intel Processor designation

A B C D DD E F FF G GG H HH J JJ K KK L LL

[Oor Nonny-Muss]

Intel has had plenty of knockers in its time - but these ones are well smart.

[Omgwtfbbqtime]

and the Academy Award for special effects goes to the new female stormtrooper armour. errr I mean episode 7...

[PatientOne]

A confused Bulgarian works on improved airbags.

[Anonymous Coward]

Win a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with The Register, you say? Sorry, my mind wandered for a moment.

[Jimboom]

Finally!

Hardware that if it goes Tits up means it is working perfectly!

[Andyf]

Product Developer invites applications for hands on support role.

[ciaran]

007

Bond, will you please pay attention!

[Andy Non]

The team saying to the designer "We admire your ingenuity, but feel there will be customer resistance to indicating the battery charge level by how far the breasts are sagging."

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Powered by Intel SoFIA processor

Perfect support for Bulgarian Airbags

note: "Chipzilla has not said which processor is in the bra."

[Christopher Reeve's Horse]

"Good Afternoon, you're through to the IT Support department"

[Steven Raith]

Variation, with credit to you for the inspiration...

"Yeah, I think when we capitalised the 't' in The Information Technology Support Department, we didn't think we'd come back in six months time to find this...."

Apologies.

And no, I don't listen.

Steven R

[Khaptain]

No Finbar, I said "that I wanted to see what you can do with a pair ot bits.."

[Stumpy]

This is one piece of technology we really are hoping goes TITSUP

[johnnybee]

"... as you can see, in the update we've incorporated a finite improbability drive to liven up dull product launches."

[Stumpy]

The heat dissipation and power consumption are pretty poor, but the mammary expansion capabilities are excellent.

[Haku]

General Veers: My Lord, the new stormtrooper underwear is ready.

Vader: Since when did stormtroopers wear bras?

General Veers: Equal opportunities my Lord.

Vader: Ah yes, we wouldn't want to be accused of being politically incorrect.

*both characters turn and look at the camera*

[John H Woods]

Funding Committee (via Skype): "There's been a misunderstanding, Doctor, we were sure your application stated research into composite bosons"

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Where's the Spider?

Lets hope the firmware is not riddled with bugs.

[My Opinion]

Now with updated softwear.

[Roger Kynaston]

model

The wireless model is much more comfortable

[Bronek Kozicki]

This is our newest device for tracking the tits population

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Tits up

The bra has crashed

[My Opinion]

Each side holds its own TIT*.

(*Totally Independent Temperature)

[Tromos]

When I ordered rack-mounted processors, this wasn't quite what I expected.

[Fred Flintstone]

Where did you want that swipe reader?

:)

[Martin Summers]

So now I've shown you which buttons control which bits, it's over to you for stimulating remote conversation of a different kind... I'll be getting off now.

[My Opinion]

In my opinion this product must have been designed by a complete pair of tits.

[Will Godfrey]

Sorry guys. It's not wired for sound.

[Evoflash]

Nice to have Intel in my face about this.

[Evoflash]

Madonna keen on AMD Bulldozer version of Intel's hit SmartBra

[Anonymous Custard]

Silicon valley 2.0

[jhml2011]

Bad Joke Alert

"New trials from Renault to test the effectiveness of their Bulgarian Airbags holster".

[Hud Dunlap]

It doesn't work for Almost "A's"

Ask your girlfriend if you don't get it.

[Come to the Dark Side]

Instead of show-boating their latest creation, intel opted for motor-boating it...

[AlgernonFlowers4]

Titillating the hands of IT!

[jonathan keith]

This new armour's ridiculous. You've used far too much material.

[Huns and Hoses]

Sarah couldn't quite put her finger on it, but whenever Bob changed TV channel there was a definite sensation of lifting and separating.

[onagol]

Lara Croft is never gonna get into this!

[Gully666uk]

The web page is not scaling well to this laptop and there is a little coil whine.

[NE-bot]

Tech preview strangely popular of new bra

Boffins line up to watch first 'install' of tech bra

[Stax]

Guy in the back. Perv or photo bomb, you decide.

[Marcus Fil]

The Skype complaints investigation team were relieved to discover that the "Hot Bra Action" was not what they feared.

[hi_robb]

My offering

Intel show off their new support department.

[That MrKrotos Bloke]

The latest invention from Apple, the iFondle :)

[m0rt]

Meanwhile, in Spectre's Volcano lair:

"Yes, and for our female operatives the new Anti-007 device features some rather nice countermeasures..."

[Anonymous Coward]

Is that the breast we can do?

[Paul Woodhouse]

Finally, some tech teenage geek boys will NEVER be able to hack into....

[Anonymous Coward]

Are we going to offer support?

[Anonymous Coward]

Has anyone thought about security? Yes, it has an enhanced strap.

[KnightGarion]

Kristal, your not gonna believe this... some guy in China hacked my new IoT Bra and changed my size. The NERVE of some people!!!

[Duffy Moon]

And here is where you enter the simple 256 character code to release the clasp...

[Paul Woodhouse]

still easier than a wonderbra for most males I think :D...

[Dave 12]

Looks like an I padded bra to me

[SysFX]

The head park function was much appreciated.

[BackedUp]

"I do NOT have moobs!", complains man in blue shirt.

[carrynot]

With dual FPU.

[IWantAFemtocellOnO2!]

To enable the Google "hang out" feature of this device, simply connect the cable to the USB-cup.......

[AllAboardTheWeinerMobile]

Tired of tassle hassle? Are you a boob noob? With the patent pending pendulum-action mammalian protuberance protector 9000, your shirt potatoes will be the hot potatoes on everyone's lips at your next social gathering!

[djdafz]

BRAvo

[CodeBlaster]

For the more adventurous amongst you, this button enables "Madonna" mode...

[CodeBlaster]

And the booby prize goes to...

[alban1964]

even coming from Apple, the over-wired bra didn't seem to impress the focus group.

[UtterTosh]

At last...Airbags or the Segway rider....

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

go low bra for a better chance to win

[CodeBlaster]

Time for a game of Bra-ttle Chips

[MapleLeaf]

Deleted

[CodeBlaster]

Intel made everyone titter

[CodeBlaster]

Intel redubbed to Titzilla

[UtterTosh]

Biting the hand that feeds tits....I'll get my coat...

[justincranford]

Intel boosts efficiency of eye tracking software 100000%.

[justincranford]

Biting the hand that feeds T-IT.

[justincranford]

Now sporting dual processors!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Hacker, Tailor, Solderer Mai

[justincranford]

Backwards compatible with Bulgarian Airbags 1.0!

[justincranford]

New sensors designed to automatically adjust room temperature. Is it cold in here? Not anymore!

[justincranford]

If you like the CPUs on my bewbs, you should see the mainframe in my arse.

[MaxHeadroom]

You took the red pill? Right. Now you fit this ...

[justincranford]

Intel's plan lauded for getting more women into IT.

[justincranford]

Intel releases new SKUs. 40DD is performance champion!

[MaxHeadroom]

You took the red pill? Right. Now you fit this...

[Knacker_Ned]

Don't be shy, readers.

Don't be shy, readers. Keep abreast of the latest technology with Intel's new Smart Bra!

[NE-bot]

IT Support jub, I mean, job applications up 250%

[JohnDomar]

This is the dual cor model !

[monty75]

Intel's VP Sid James had taken a personally interest in developing the new Corrrrr! i5 processors.

[monty75]

Also available with upgraded silicon.

[Billum]

Exclusive! Behind the scenes photos from 'Invisible girl' fetish webcam HQ.

[CodeBlaster]

BREAKING NEWS! Intel goes bust!

[CodeBlaster]

One of Intel’s titular bust-ups

[TonyA]

Latest from Silicon Valley

Finally! The support I really need for those twin floppies.

[CodeBlaster]

Intel hopes there won’t be any latent mammary problems with its latest creation

[JimHam]

To avoid issues with hang outs, please connect the cable to the USB-cup....

[alban1964]

inspecting the new Apple Bra, the lawyers from Bravissimo felt sure they had prior art on the curves.

[CodeBlaster]

The teat you can use between meals without ruining your brappetite

[alban1964]

the over-wired bra fiasco was the end of outsourcing product development to india

[johnfbw]

I worry for the first teenaged boy who has to explain to his aunt how to use her new fangled bra

[Poet_69]

Bonus

Bonus!...It seems if you plug the battery in backwards it inflates!

[CodeBlaster]

Janet Jackson signs up for 5 sets, due to Intel solving the mammary leakage issue.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

We all know that fashion designers have really weird ideas---but wrapping tables in brown paper? WTF?

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Smart bras today, teledildonics tomorrow.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Intel to outsource manufacturing to S3 (Silicon Support Services)

[Busby]

As you can see the right side controls the temperature and on the left we have a shortwave receiver mainly for FM

[Huns and Hoses]

Damn awkward time to need a charge but it had run right down to 32A.

[Sofapilot]

A smart bra.. will be nice to get a bit of meaningful conversation out of the Mrs for a change.

[ElRodders]

32GB version

Does this model have expansion slots to allow for a mammary upgrade?

[sideshowdan]

I think you misheard!

I asked for a solution that could be solved with more Random Access Memory.... not Mammary!

[Sparky75]

Computers used to start up with Bootstraps, when did they start using Brastraps???

[Jimboom]

Prepared to be turned on! Just not the way most techies would like given the nature of the device.

[Jimboom]

SmartBra V.2 now comes with titty tasers that zap any males who stare at it for more than 3 seconds.

[David Nash]

The "unboxing" video of the latest wearable tech was proving more popular than most.

[Paul Westerman]

Susan misunderstood when they told her it was meant for double-A's.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

I was NOT looking at your breasts. I was just checking out your cool smart bra.

[Salith Taydan]

And this is the new costume for Quiet in Metal Gear Solid 5.

[On the scale]

RoboCup

Bob Morton: RoboCup. What are your Prime Directives?

RoboCup: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the ........

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

New bra allows Red Dwarf fans to say "well twist my nipple nuts" without looking like a right tit.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

It also does some sort of smart/IoT type thing. For no apparent reason.

[Laura Kerr]

"No, ladies and gentlemen, they're audible alerts, not 'hooters'."

[Paul Westerman]

I'll never finish wrapping all my furniture in brown paper if the boss keeps asking me to fix his heated underpants.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Don't tase me, bra!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

The smart bra includes extra dangly bits for your dangly bits.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

So that's what those SQUID things from those WIlliam Gibson novels look like.

[Evoflash]

Intel Thrusts their Miammary Vice into Top Gear.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Fully supports, POKE and PEEK on mammary addresses

[My Opinion]

This was one product The Register readers were busting to see in the flesh.

[A K Stiles]

Lester was very impressed with the upgrades in the V2 BRASTRAP module!

[My Opinion]

What do you mean, you've got to bust it to see if it works properly?

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

I, for one, approve of new methods of getting women into technology.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?

[DancesWithLice]

Move over, glassholes - here come the bra-stards.

[Zork-1]

Now, let me show you the emergency eject function in the (un)likely event that it overheats and catches fire. And no, it's completely hack proof.

[johnnybee]

You have to buy licenses to use the full set of vents!? Gods, I hate nipplewear!

[Fibbles]

Intel invent bra with built in Lithium-Ion battery. Finally the Feminist dream of the self burning bra is realised.

[Eddy Ito]

You can see the thermally insulated tantalum silicon underwire processor here. It works a treat under heavy load but we need to come up with a catchy name for it.

[Anonymous Custard]

Now just connect the printer up to the CUPS server here, and we'll get started...

[Rol]

Finally we can ditch that old cd drive, this is surely a far better cup holder.

[Anonymous Custard]

After PARIS and LOHAN, Lester finds his next project...

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Geeks rejoice!

Smartphone-based bra unlock set to completely eliminate defer the awkwardness of groping around in the dark not having a fucking clue what they're supposed to be doing.

[Rol]

Orchitis? Yes it used to be very painful, but this little baby is multi-purpose, and not just for top bollocks.

[Rol]

Does my hand look big in this?

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

hackers defeat "chastity" mode in 5, 4, 3 ...

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Thanks to the magic of voice recognition, it opens with a simple "aBra cadaBra".

[td0s]

Intels new Mammory boost technology

[Nick Goldman]

I'm sure you said that IoT stood for Internet of *Things*

[michaelJ]

HiTech over shoulder boulder holder bashes iwatch into touch

[Origin]

smart bra by Intel: keeping the big guns under wraps..

[Queeg]

Absolutely!

Bigger

Bouncier

Firmer

Guaranteed

*Terms and conditions apply.....

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Just over 50 years after the original "Wonderbra", Intel pitches in with "I wonder what the hell they were thinking" concept.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Intel's "Bra-Z-Air" also includes heating elements.

[DZ-Jay]

Caption

From the Omni Consumer Products division at Playtex, introducing the new Maidenform T2 Series, with RoboCup (tm) technology.

[yoganmahew]

Tech support felt a hands on approach would be the quickest way to get a reboot...

[i steal your leccy]

Just look what i'm doing with my life...maybe the Taliban have got a point?

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

So as you see, the echolocation system emits a burst from here and a 3d reconstruction is mapped onto the user's breast via a network of electrodes.

[i steal your leccy]

"HOT TITS!"

No Susan, i wasn't being sexist, i was just expressing concern for your wellbeing.

[i steal your leccy]

Its Meucci & Bell all over again!

I hope Maurice Moss is watching what Intel is getting up to.

[i steal your leccy]

Apparently, tickets for Intel's 'New Products Presentation' have 'Sold Out' quicker than Comic Con!

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Blue tit

company colour

[Palf]

What Tech Support was always meant to be

[grumpy3rdline]

Intel pushes forward with augmented reality!

[Rol]

Julie arouses the invisible woman in the middle of a teleconference and no one is any the wiser.

[Poet_69]

As all know

Purchase of this device require the following prereqs , uninstall wife v1.0 install Tinder, hell Grinder for those not wanting to halve their chances. And installing partner 2.0. Be aware this upgrade comes with many costs including entertainment expenses and reapplication of Alcohol v1.01.

Should you manage to pull this off you will find uninstalling Wife 1.0 can me rather costly in fact possibly losing the housing application and visitation privileges. Still there are benefits Nagging v4eva goes away. If however you were foolish enough to upgrade Wife 1.0 to include child then lets face it, you are in for the soul destroying wait times not to mention remove -payroll benefits or you can simply reinstall from scratch install all under different USER ID and relocate datacenters.

[ZeezertronRobotFromOuterSpace]

Brainy Bra Beats all

Buxom Breasts' Best Bet Yet

[Rol]

"And you can assure us, once the lasers are fitted, Mr Cameron will look more intimidating then Angela Merkel?"

[Rol]

Unfortunately the two byte register still leaves us with NO and not much else.

[Rol]

Running her fingers through the fabric she exclaims, "It's as smooth as a Seagate"

And the onlookers nodded knowingly.

[Rol]

The jellyfish, slightly perplexed, points out it isn't a mammal and neither is it inappropriately dressed for the meeting.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

<off topic>

The jellyfish, slightly perplexed

Jellyfish don't have brains, though. Just saying...

</off topic>

[Rol]

After Metropolis finished filming, Maschinenmensch was never seen again, but some of her parts came to light recently when Antiques Roadshow visited Highgrove.

[Rol]

The MOD were admirably impressed with the exoskeletons field testing, but suggested this, with a kilt might not sit well with the Black Watch.

[Blue Pumpkin]

Guys, guys guys, I specifically said big-endian ...

[Herby]

Yes, these will work with "Bulgarian Air Bags" .

[Antonymous Coward]

Innovative new airbag technology unveiled by Bulgaria's Mammistry of Transport.

(PS: I'm NOT posting AC FFS!)

(Edit: not a ripoff of the preceding commentardary, which I hadn't seen. Honest)

[Anonymous Coward]

Electronic bustups may be painful!

[rsole]

Hello there tech support, I'm having an issue with BRA software, it keeps saying Yes!

[rsole]

The only problem I can find is the WD software keeps saying Back Up! Back Up! Back Up!

[rsole]

Sir, how do we explain where the software budget has gone?

[John Tserkezis]

"Intel creates smart bra... And more importantly manages to get picture on laptop in correct perspective".

Yeah, I know, but I'm not eligable for entry anyway. Take it leave it.

[SelfDriver]

A busted flush cools faster!

[DarkLordofSurrey]

Silicon Valley

[LuDo]

This bra is smart, roses are blue. I just want to say how much I'll hack you.

[LuDo]

Uhm... not sure if my first submission was successful, so will try again. Sorry if repeating:

"This bra is smart, roses are blue. I just want to say how much I'll hack you!"

[Down not across]

So this is what underwired means.

[Robert Helpmann??]

From the Hentai Secrets Line

Intel announced today that it was teaming with the Great Cthulhu to produce a surprising new product: the Elder Sign Bra (Tentacles Inside™). Providing excellent support and integrated protection from Shoggoths and Elder Gods, this essential undergarment features an integrated database of countermeasures against the otherworldly.

Available in the following styles: Eldritch, Squamous, Cyclopean, Indescribable, Unnameable, Blasphemous and the eponymous 8€™.

[DBarber]

iPad

[MrNed]

I've heard of underwired bras, but this is just ridiculous.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

BOFH Moss was sure he'd sorted out the minor spontaneous combustion issue, but just to be sure he roped in one of the beancounters to activate it while he monitored from the safety of his Skype link. He lingered expectantly at the back just in case there was another "golf" incident.

[ingie]

she gave me a 36DDDOS and a slap across the face...

... i doubt she'll invite me back to do the penetration test.

[Anonymous Coward]

The woman demonstrates the North Korean version, containing spy cameras, night-vision LEDs, and custom designed to fit Kim Jong-Un.

(Seriously, from the photos it looks like a Soviet era torture device for women).

[Mk4]

... so, before we close the meeting. To maximize the sales potential we need you to make a version for men. When can we have that?

[Bbbbit]

The prototype was criticised upon its release, but then all new technology has its knockers.

[Jos V]

Yes, we're almost ready for launch, but the marketing department is just a bit worried it will be dubbed the FondleBra by the Register and ruin our name..

[i steal your leccy]

Meanwhile, at McLaren HQ...

"And as you can see, the 'Telemetry' from the new vest proves conclusively that Jenson Button is a Big Girls Blouse!"

[i steal your leccy]

Unveiled, Oculus Rift's 'Must Have Peripheral'

"Now 'Gamers' can truly feel what its like to get 'Kicked In The Tits', just like Chun Li does".

[rsole]

Computer says, no :)

[DancesWithLice]

The peekaboo version runs open source.

[TonyA]

Smart Bra

CUSTOMER: "I'd like a new Smart Bra for my wife please".

SALES ASSISTANT: "Certainly Sir, what bust?"

CUSTOMER: "Nothing really, the old one just wore out"

(c) 1855 Bob Monkhouse

[Mihai]

Remote counselling

Our sensors show you don't spend enough time in this area...

[Mihai]

And then the PFY made me wear this...

[Mihai]

It will inflate and help non-bulgarian drivers to overcome the handicap in case the sensors detect a sudden stop.

[Mihai]

And this VR accessory will allow you to choose an NPC and open a whole new way of playing GTA 5.

[Mihai]

And this is the top of the line model with a 4k nipple fish eye lens camera.

[Mihai]

The piezoelectric crystals allow for jiggle powered wearable devices

[dunbankin]

Product development conference

"...and we're re-naming the padding 'Bloatware'."

[breadboard]

And to deflate, you press Windows, Start, Shutdown.

[John F. Jackson]

Caption Comp

If the tock is underpants I'm switching to ARM.

[i steal your leccy]

Its like something outta 'Holmes & Yoyo'.

"The Bunco Squad, the Bunco Squad, The Bunco Squad".

[Peter Stone]

Show me again, just what exactly has to be pressed to get the thing to reboot?

[icefalcon]

Latest intel storage solution goes titsup

[i steal your leccy]

"Get your chips out, get your chips out, get your chips out for the lads, GET YOUR CHIPS OUT FOR THE LADS!"

[i steal your leccy]

"Yeah, after extensive research from our focus groups, we've decided to call it The FITBITch".

[Kaltern]

...and the Reg Vulture goes here.

[curious orange]

George Lucas lets slip there will be female stormtroopers in the new Star Wars film.

[curious orange]

This new technology will be a storm in a t-cup

[curious orange]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a nw kind of silicon for your tits.

[Mehrsprachigkeit]

... and depending on the level of heat of the user, it proceeds in order to open the vents, drop to the ground or book the nearest hotel room.

[url]

Jog Suit::Iot Jugs

[OmgTheyLetMePostInTheUK]

Is that Hillary Clinton's secret email server security system?

[Anonymous Coward]

"and we are working on a model that opens vents before it senses a certain level of heat and sweat."

[flipflopper]

Unsurprisingly, climate control bra turns out to be fanless.

[Werner McGoole]

To manage online security we'll be using a port knocker.

Good plan... Keep the starboard one as a backup!

[Colin 27]

Techies in uproar when misunderstanding Intel announcement that they want to shrink silicon....

Meanwhile, in other news, new film coming out titled "I Know Who Motor-Boated You Last Summer".

[i steal your leccy]

No Glass Ceiling At The Reg

"As you can see my prototype has been a complete success! It's like what i've been saying all these years... If you want something done right, call a woman!"

[i steal your leccy]

Glass Ceiling At The Reg

"Oh right! <giggle> i always thought the Brown Wire was Earth, cos its brown, like dirt innit?" ...shit, where'd i put me nail polish?

[theleader]

Weapons of mass destraction

"I wonder what would happen if hackers get their hands on these puppies?"

[i steal your leccy]

SORTED!

"Yeah, its been tested to destruction...not in a laboratory...we gave it to Jo Brand to wear for a week, and as you can see it survived the ordeal intact!"

[i steal your leccy]

Wouldn't Put It Past Them.

Behind the scenes look at DARPA's new BCDS (Breast Cancer Delivery System)

[Rol]

If, as it appears, Intel is no longer chasing the low hanging fruit, can we expect things to be a little perkier in the future.

[Neoc]

The new bra design created a storm(trooper) in a c-cup.

[D 17]

Smart Bra? ...looks Pants!

[rpark]

Intel Inside

♫ Intel Inside Outside- Livin' la Vida Loca ♫

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Aaaaand still with "SexyCyborg"'s bid over the Internet. Going once ...

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

re: "not even the dead mouse the snake rejected because it was in shed."

re "in shed"---huh? I just noticed this. Did you just steal my joke from last week (a pun on Slough) and take it as your own? For shame!

[Securitymoose]

I think Pete from IT may have borrowed the robot - it's the only way he can get a girlfriend

I think Pete from IT may have borrowed the robot - it's the only way he can get a girlfriend

[Securitymoose]

After watching 'Real Humans' on TV, we thought we'd start with the easy bit

After watching 'Real Humans' on TV, we thought we'd start with the easy bit.

[warped100]

Intel launches the latest in tech support.

[Securitymoose]

Mammulous Rift - Virtual reality just got better.

Mammulous Rift - Virtual reality for girls

[e_darren]

'Security. We need to check you for wires.'

[jimbo60]

I'll bite...

Apple's latest attempt to create new markets: The new iWire bra harnesses jiggle energy to keep its mobes powered for an entire day.

[Trigonoceps occipitalis]

Give it away free and offer a paid for upgrade with haptic feedback.

[Huns and Hoses]

So you're telling us we just shipped 50000 of these with the quick release phrase set to Testing's "show us your tits"?

[Huns and Hoses]

And hidden in the underwire version 2 can accommodate up to 42F of expansion mammary.

[andyrox]

Here we have it... this is Clive Sinclair's greatest masterpiece, without this the Miner's Strikes could have had a very different outcome.

[Dylan Fahey]

Did I just say anus?

The cover story is for a smart bra, but we know what this is, and although these new incontinence undies are upside down, we were wondering about where to attach the wires for the anus evac system?

[Steve Kennedy]

Competition

The wearables team didn't quite get the brief for designing a heart rate monitor for men

[THMONSTER]

Nice rack.... 4U

[F. Svenson]

Entrant #303.

Intel engineers cunningly designed a project they felt certain would finally mean getting females on campus.

[SouthernWaylander]

And this is the bit that bites the hand that feeds IT should it stray too close......

[SouthernWaylander]

An on this day ransomware was taken to a whole new level....

[SouthernWaylander]

Sales and Marketing Department 101: The misunderstanding of Business Requirements Analysis projects for beginners

[SouthernWaylander]

"And the Biometric Chastity Fingerprint Reader is located here"

[Skoenlapper]

Boob-e-Tracked

[wilsond3010]

smart bra fail's to detect cold weather

[NZ_MarkK]

"It got hot and steamy then the whole thing went titsup, can you fix it?"

[exrugbyman]

IT Support

UK Gov offers free support to IT industry (some strings attached)

[Chozo]

Shameless Red Dwarf Plug

The improved design now receives up Jazz FM, in stereo.

[Anonymous Coward]

Mammolus Rift Development Kit 1

[Laura Kerr]

"You need to upgrade to a paid subscription before I can undo the clasp."

[scrubber]

Microsoft's new touch interface is a real game changer.

[Anonymous Coward]

Now, I noticed a lot of people weren't paying attention to the device last time I presented it, so I've shaped this one to attract techies...

[2469cf]

New automatic alert system to keep you abreast of breaking news on The Register proves to be popular.

[g e]

The computer's bust.

[simmondp]

"We just need a little help about where the lock goes on this chastity bra"

[TheManCalledStan]

Dorothy's WebEx demonstration that she couldn't wear the bionic bra as the motion charger had been installed in reverse drew keen viewing!

[ilithium]

Now available as a unisex stimulus device: digital pants!

[AstroNutter]

PFY: How many volts in those guns?

[Tat2Ninja]

Intel unsure how to market their new Smart-Bra... Content varies and is rarely freely available

[Jimbobalero]

South Korea found a way to confuse those NORK hackers at last....

[Kreton]

Kreton Says

Optimized for performance so he can spend more time experiencing the things you love most

[shoeshopboy]

But are you turned on?

[TheManInSpain]

Our next version will use the BayTrail DD!

[Sfnch]

Material Girl Gets Her Oats

[Greeba]

Surprisingly Titsup.com turned out to be a real site, with vid conferencing as just one of its features.

[Oliver 7]

Gives a whole new meaning to 'tits up'.

[Oliver 7]

The Smart Bra gives a whole new meaning to 'underwired'!

[Oliver 7]

When I checked the wife's Smart Bra, the MAC address was 59:00:95:90:09:dd.

[SpasticHawk]

Intel produces technology that is in working state when tits up.

[Anonymous Coward]

Comes in four sizes:

2 Boob, 2 KiloBoob, 2 MegaBoob and 2 TeraBoob*

2 PetaBoob and 2 ExaBoob capacities coming in 2016-2017

*Sizes reflect unformatted capacity.

[Huns n Hoses]

And breastfeeding mums can activate the docking station by pressing here.

[msknight]

"After many complaints about the clasp being difficult, this one responds to Ctrl+Start+L"

[Anonymous Custard]

The prototype was less IoT and more TiT

[Evoflash]

The FAT32 model will probably need to be rebranded.

[dajames]

That's not padding ... it's insulation. We had to add that after two girls wearing the prototype were electrocuted in a wet T-Shirt competition.

[dajames]

It uses an exFAT mammary storage system for a more slimming look.

[Anonymous Coward]

We've designed it to give EeePC Girl the perfect cleavage shot via the front facing camera.

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, it connects directly to InControl Touch Pro, Jaguar's brand new, state-of-the-art infotainment system, automatically forwarding your tweets.

[Anonymous Coward]

Problem is, its discharging really fast, when there's a iPad connection to the large dock in the middle.

[Anonymous Coward]

Its worn through here, from months and months of EeePC Girl lying on the beach.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Why yes, I have other inventions. In behind this I have my collection of L-shaped sofas. Lower case.

[RogueBean]

Permissions: Global

"OK, that's the nips, now I just need the Smart Pants to get my other 'peripheral' online too"

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, its Wifi Enabled. 300 Mega tits per second.

[magickmark]

Doris called up the team to keep them abreast of the current situation.

[Nick 27]

...And if you press this button, your hair turns pink.

[Bigpatc]

Thank you Intel

"Intel installed a Targeting System in my Double Barreled Slingshot"

[Bigpatc]

Another

"New telepresence system with advanced eye-tracking technology"

[Outotha Bunker]

When you said you wanted to hold Big data up, this idea takes the booby prize!

[Ralph76]

Capation compeTITion

Vanessa had been dreading "bring your family to work" day. Finally they realised her play on words when she had said the job was in "Silicon valley"...