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We're on a roll with the caption competition and this week’s picture of a snake reading The Reg showed some great wit. Readers entered the vivarium for a chance to win a Western Digital Black, 6TB hard disk. Regular competition entrant i steal your leccy offered This is not the python tutorial i wanted!, while Ol'Peculier:The …


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  1. BenBell

    Intel gets in on the storage game, combines techies two favourites hobbies

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "Normally we say please try to keep it SFW, but given the content.." Further comment superfluous.

  3. Ben Bonsall

    As with all Haute Couture, you'd feel a right tit wearing it in public...

  4. Andy Non Silver badge

    It conceals the nipple guns perfectly.

  5. Andy Non Silver badge

    To make a payment at the supermarket I just have to bend over the card reader.

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Reminds me of the NTNOCN sketch

      "American Express?

      That'll do nicely, sir, and would you like to rub my tits too?

      Put your head in between them and go 'blubble blubble blubble' with American Express."

  6. Ben Bonsall

    Now, as to programming the thing, lets get down to bras stacks.

  7. msknight

    "It's fitted with a face recognition sensor and bluetooth technology. If it detects someone looking straight at it, then it sends a request to the wearers smart watch to slap them in the face."

  8. Andy Non Silver badge

    I love getting my hands on new technology.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    On the lines of the whistle activated key fob, new "Did I remember to wear a bra?" tech may need refinement.

  10. Andy Non Silver badge

    If you are pulled over by a traffic cop, it auto-inflates.

    (Terminator 3 reference)

  11. Andy Non Silver badge

    Perfect if you are breast feeding a little Android.

  12. sjaddy

    For our second version we are linking it with MyVibe!

  13. Andy Non Silver badge

    If I get an email it alerts me by making my nipples tingle.

  14. Andy Non Silver badge

    Great for jogging in with the bounce cancelling technology.

    1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

      @Andy Non

      I think that should be "debounce" technology!

  15. Andy Non Silver badge

    I've isolated the problem; it keeps downloading Windows 10.

  16. BlartVersenwaldIII

    Of corsets underwired.

  17. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    Never mind the quality, feel the width!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Meet the Katie Price special edition bra, just right for those silicone bits.

  19. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    Miss Brahms on the telephone: "Ladies' intimate apparel...I said, Ladies' intimate apparel...oh, all right then, the knickers and knocker counter!"

    (Are You Being Served, The Apartment)

  20. Andy Non Silver badge

    You press the left nipple to select the required feature then the right nipple to run it. Double press both nipples to remove the bra.

  21. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    It's part of our tele-dildoncis range

  22. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    Although she admired the technology, Madonna did not think the styling was sufficiently outrageous for her stage show.

  23. Andy Non Silver badge

    The wearer's range should be somewhat improved when we make a version that doesn't run on mains electricity.

  24. Locky

    My eyes are up here techies

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  25. Adam 1

    You would have to be a bit of a tit to like the latest IoT invention.

  26. StuartF

    Rather than use the familiar tick-tock cycle. Intel introduces the ding-dong cycle for it's digital bra

  27. Ed3

    "...and here are the onboard fire sensors. When fire is detected the unit automatically sends a friendly Email to the wearer's emergency contacts, calls 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3, and plays an audible alarm declaring 'FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!'."

  28. Andy Non Silver badge

    And with the matching panties, we'll have somewhere to store the battery.

  29. Julian 8 Silver badge

    Silica to inflate the boobs, now silica to protect the boobs.

    BRAM - Boob RAM

    coming soon to a car near you. "Protect your assets"

    As soon as the car detects it is an accident the bra will expand and become an extra set of airbags to ensure the essential area's are well protected from impact.

    We decline to comment on the rumours of an impending hack to allow women to make use of this feature in brs / nightclubs

  30. Efros

    I said siliCON dearie, siliCON... not CONE!

  31. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    Ashlee had not worked out that the web-punters were paying to see her take it off!

  32. Anonymous Custard

    Aren't you a little buxom for a stormtrooper?

  33. TitterYeNot

    The Intel engineering team realise that they may have overdone the 'Smart' when their new bra starts to complain about the terrible pain in all the diodes down its left strap.

  34. SW10

    Pay attention now, 007...

  35. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    "Call that bra smart? It's the ugliest piece of lingerie that I've ever seen!"

  36. Andy Non Silver badge

    We've had a product endorsement from seven of nine.

  37. Simon Davidson

    These babies are going to pay for themself

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Silicon tits sell bits.

  39. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    Although her roots matched the trim, a last minute change of the colour spoilt the effect by no longer matching the rest of her hair!

  40. Anonymous Custard

    The team were shocked to learn that the T in IoT actually didn't stand for things...

  41. John H Woods Silver badge

    This could be dangerous in the wrong hands, let's keep it away from the Norks.

  42. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    The quality inspector pointed out to the management that he machinists really had to stop leaving lose threads on the finished garment

  43. John H Woods Silver badge

    The only trouble is that it goes titsup if you lie back

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    We believe her crime was motivated by the discovery that she had been wearing self-aware underwear as much as that it had recorded her singing Justin Bieber.

  45. msknight

    Teleconferencing was the only way to be safe when reviewing the bra's defensive capabilities.

  46. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

    "I'm really sorry, Jenny, but I can't find your missing nipple in here anywhere."

  47. Anonymous Custard

    Intel demonstrates their new 2 jigglebit storage device

  48. Andy Non Silver badge

    The latest in mal-wear.

  49. Ironclad

    ...but when I wear it I can't collect my thoughts, it's got to be some kind of mammary error.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Where's that snake gone?

  51. My Opinion

    Of the options we offer, we have found the most popular by far to be the one with two mammary slots.

  52. Evoflash

    "...correct, in the presence of a Bluetooth Windows Mobile device the bra automatically locks to protect the owner from potentially making a bad choice of partner."

  53. Evoflash

    "We tried to write a Linux driver, but Linux users have no idea what a bra is"

  54. Evoflash

    Yorkshire people in shock as droves of women are goin' t'ell for smartbra usage.

  55. Evoflash

    Intel: Kings of the Silicon Valleys.

  56. nijam Silver badge

    The wires aren't long enough, so it must be one of those underwired ones.

  57. PipV

    Keeping abreast with technology

  58. My Opinion

    To increase mammary size you just gently stroke the two front buttons simultaneously.

  59. edwardbr

    May I jack in?

  60. Robert Grant

    Been for too long on a Smartibrafast? Break it with this IT Crowd-inspired tech!

  61. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    P̶o̶w̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ Supported by Intel

    Intel Outside

  62. Red Bren

    This is the 32GB-cup version

  63. g00se

    I.T. here. Can you show us your Support Level please?

  64. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    New Intel Processor designation


  65. Oor Nonny-Muss

    Intel has had plenty of knockers in its time - but these ones are well smart.

  66. Omgwtfbbqtime
    Paris Hilton

    and the Academy Award for special effects goes to the new female stormtrooper armour. errr I mean episode 7...

  67. PatientOne

    A confused Bulgarian works on improved airbags.

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Win a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with The Register, you say? Sorry, my mind wandered for a moment.

  69. Jimboom


    Hardware that if it goes Tits up means it is working perfectly!

  70. Andyf

    Product Developer invites applications for hands on support role.

  71. ciaran


    Bond, will you please pay attention!

  72. Andy Non Silver badge

    The team saying to the designer "We admire your ingenuity, but feel there will be customer resistance to indicating the battery charge level by how far the breasts are sagging."

  73. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Powered by Intel SoFIA processor

    Perfect support for Bulgarian Airbags

    note: "Chipzilla has not said which processor is in the bra."

    1. Christopher Reeve's Horse

      "Good Afternoon, you're through to the IT Support department"

      1. Steven Raith

        Variation, with credit to you for the inspiration...

        "Yeah, I think when we capitalised the 't' in The Information Technology Support Department, we didn't think we'd come back in six months time to find this...."


        And no, I don't listen.

        Steven R

  74. Khaptain Silver badge

    No Finbar, I said "that I wanted to see what you can do with a pair ot bits.."

  75. Stumpy

    This is one piece of technology we really are hoping goes TITSUP

  76. johnnybee

    "... as you can see, in the update we've incorporated a finite improbability drive to liven up dull product launches."

  77. Stumpy

    The heat dissipation and power consumption are pretty poor, but the mammary expansion capabilities are excellent.

  78. Haku

    General Veers: My Lord, the new stormtrooper underwear is ready.

    Vader: Since when did stormtroopers wear bras?

    General Veers: Equal opportunities my Lord.

    Vader: Ah yes, we wouldn't want to be accused of being politically incorrect.

    *both characters turn and look at the camera*

  79. John H Woods Silver badge

    Funding Committee (via Skype): "There's been a misunderstanding, Doctor, we were sure your application stated research into composite bosons"

  80. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Where's the Spider?

    Lets hope the firmware is not riddled with bugs.

  81. My Opinion

    Now with updated softwear.

  82. Roger Kynaston


    The wireless model is much more comfortable

  83. Bronek Kozicki

    This is our newest device for tracking the tits population

  84. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Tits up

    The bra has crashed

  85. My Opinion

    Each side holds its own TIT*.

    (*Totally Independent Temperature)

  86. Tromos

    When I ordered rack-mounted processors, this wasn't quite what I expected.

  87. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    Where did you want that swipe reader?


  88. Martin Summers

    So now I've shown you which buttons control which bits, it's over to you for stimulating remote conversation of a different kind... I'll be getting off now.

  89. My Opinion

    In my opinion this product must have been designed by a complete pair of tits.

  90. Will Godfrey Silver badge

    Sorry guys. It's not wired for sound.

  91. Evoflash

    Nice to have Intel in my face about this.

  92. Evoflash

    Madonna keen on AMD Bulldozer version of Intel's hit SmartBra

  93. Anonymous Custard

    Silicon valley 2.0

  94. jhml2011

    Bad Joke Alert

    "New trials from Renault to test the effectiveness of their Bulgarian Airbags holster".

  95. Hud Dunlap

    It doesn't work for Almost "A's"

    Ask your girlfriend if you don't get it.

  96. Come to the Dark Side

    Instead of show-boating their latest creation, intel opted for motor-boating it...

  97. AlgernonFlowers4

    Titillating the hands of IT!

  98. jonathan keith

    This new armour's ridiculous. You've used far too much material.

  99. Huns and Hoses

    Sarah couldn't quite put her finger on it, but whenever Bob changed TV channel there was a definite sensation of lifting and separating.

  100. onagol

    Lara Croft is never gonna get into this!

  101. Gully666uk

    The web page is not scaling well to this laptop and there is a little coil whine.

  102. This post has been deleted by its author

  103. NE-bot

    Tech preview strangely popular of new bra

    Boffins line up to watch first 'install' of tech bra

  104. Stax

    Guy in the back. Perv or photo bomb, you decide.

  105. Marcus Fil

    The Skype complaints investigation team were relieved to discover that the "Hot Bra Action" was not what they feared.

  106. hi_robb

    My offering

    Intel show off their new support department.

  107. That MrKrotos Bloke

    The latest invention from Apple, the iFondle :)

  108. m0rt

    Meanwhile, in Spectre's Volcano lair:

    "Yes, and for our female operatives the new Anti-007 device features some rather nice countermeasures..."

  109. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is that the breast we can do?

  110. Paul Woodhouse

    Finally, some tech teenage geek boys will NEVER be able to hack into....

  111. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Are we going to offer support?

  112. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Has anyone thought about security? Yes, it has an enhanced strap.

  113. KnightGarion

    Kristal, your not gonna believe this... some guy in China hacked my new IoT Bra and changed my size. The NERVE of some people!!!

  114. Duffy Moon

    And here is where you enter the simple 256 character code to release the clasp...

    1. Paul Woodhouse

      still easier than a wonderbra for most males I think :D...

  115. Dave 12

    Looks like an I padded bra to me

  116. SysFX

    The head park function was much appreciated.

  117. BackedUp

    "I do NOT have moobs!", complains man in blue shirt.

  118. carrynot

    With dual FPU.

  119. IWantAFemtocellOnO2!

    To enable the Google "hang out" feature of this device, simply connect the cable to the USB-cup.......

  120. AllAboardTheWeinerMobile

    Tired of tassle hassle? Are you a boob noob? With the patent pending pendulum-action mammalian protuberance protector 9000, your shirt potatoes will be the hot potatoes on everyone's lips at your next social gathering!

  121. djdafz


  122. CodeBlaster

    For the more adventurous amongst you, this button enables "Madonna" mode...

  123. CodeBlaster

    And the booby prize goes to...

  124. alban1964

    even coming from Apple, the over-wired bra didn't seem to impress the focus group.

  125. UtterTosh

    At last...Airbags or the Segway rider....

  126. Frumious Bandersnatch

    go low bra for a better chance to win

  127. CodeBlaster

    Time for a game of Bra-ttle Chips

  128. MapleLeaf


  129. CodeBlaster

    Intel made everyone titter

  130. CodeBlaster

    Intel redubbed to Titzilla

  131. UtterTosh

    Biting the hand that feeds tits....I'll get my coat...

  132. justincranford

    Intel boosts efficiency of eye tracking software 100000%.

  133. justincranford

    Biting the hand that feeds T-IT.

  134. justincranford

    Now sporting dual processors!

  135. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Hacker, Tailor, Solderer Mai

  136. justincranford

    Backwards compatible with Bulgarian Airbags 1.0!

  137. justincranford

    New sensors designed to automatically adjust room temperature. Is it cold in here? Not anymore!

  138. justincranford

    If you like the CPUs on my bewbs, you should see the mainframe in my arse.

  139. MaxHeadroom

    You took the red pill? Right. Now you fit this ...

  140. justincranford

    Intel's plan lauded for getting more women into IT.

  141. justincranford

    Intel releases new SKUs. 40DD is performance champion!

  142. MaxHeadroom

    You took the red pill? Right. Now you fit this...

  143. Knacker_Ned

    Don't be shy, readers.

    Don't be shy, readers. Keep abreast of the latest technology with Intel's new Smart Bra!

  144. NE-bot

    IT Support jub, I mean, job applications up 250%

  145. JohnDomar

    This is the dual cor model !

  146. monty75

    Intel's VP Sid James had taken a personally interest in developing the new Corrrrr! i5 processors.

  147. monty75

    Also available with upgraded silicon.

  148. Billum

    Exclusive! Behind the scenes photos from 'Invisible girl' fetish webcam HQ.

  149. CodeBlaster

    BREAKING NEWS! Intel goes bust!

  150. CodeBlaster

    One of Intel’s titular bust-ups

  151. TonyA

    Latest from Silicon Valley

    Finally! The support I really need for those twin floppies.

  152. CodeBlaster

    Intel hopes there won’t be any latent mammary problems with its latest creation

  153. JimHam

    To avoid issues with hang outs, please connect the cable to the USB-cup....

  154. alban1964

    inspecting the new Apple Bra, the lawyers from Bravissimo felt sure they had prior art on the curves.

  155. CodeBlaster

    The teat you can use between meals without ruining your brappetite

  156. alban1964

    the over-wired bra fiasco was the end of outsourcing product development to india

  157. johnfbw

    I worry for the first teenaged boy who has to explain to his aunt how to use her new fangled bra

  158. Poet_69


    Bonus!...It seems if you plug the battery in backwards it inflates!

  159. CodeBlaster

    Janet Jackson signs up for 5 sets, due to Intel solving the mammary leakage issue.

  160. Frumious Bandersnatch

    We all know that fashion designers have really weird ideas---but wrapping tables in brown paper? WTF?

  161. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Smart bras today, teledildonics tomorrow.

  162. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Intel to outsource manufacturing to S3 (Silicon Support Services)

  163. Busby

    As you can see the right side controls the temperature and on the left we have a shortwave receiver mainly for FM

  164. Huns and Hoses

    Damn awkward time to need a charge but it had run right down to 32A.

  165. Sofapilot

    A smart bra.. will be nice to get a bit of meaningful conversation out of the Mrs for a change.

  166. ElRodders

    32GB version

    Does this model have expansion slots to allow for a mammary upgrade?

  167. sideshowdan

    I think you misheard!

    I asked for a solution that could be solved with more Random Access Memory.... not Mammary!

  168. Sparky75

    Computers used to start up with Bootstraps, when did they start using Brastraps???

  169. Jimboom

    Prepared to be turned on! Just not the way most techies would like given the nature of the device.

  170. Jimboom

    SmartBra V.2 now comes with titty tasers that zap any males who stare at it for more than 3 seconds.

  171. David Nash

    The "unboxing" video of the latest wearable tech was proving more popular than most.

  172. Paul Westerman

    Susan misunderstood when they told her it was meant for double-A's.

  173. Frumious Bandersnatch

    I was NOT looking at your breasts. I was just checking out your cool smart bra.

  174. Salith Taydan

    And this is the new costume for Quiet in Metal Gear Solid 5.

  175. On the scale


    Bob Morton: RoboCup. What are your Prime Directives?

    RoboCup: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the ........

  176. Frumious Bandersnatch

    New bra allows Red Dwarf fans to say "well twist my nipple nuts" without looking like a right tit.

  177. Frumious Bandersnatch

    It also does some sort of smart/IoT type thing. For no apparent reason.

  178. Laura Kerr

    "No, ladies and gentlemen, they're audible alerts, not 'hooters'."

  179. Paul Westerman

    I'll never finish wrapping all my furniture in brown paper if the boss keeps asking me to fix his heated underpants.

  180. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Don't tase me, bra!

  181. Frumious Bandersnatch

    The smart bra includes extra dangly bits for your dangly bits.

  182. Frumious Bandersnatch

    So that's what those SQUID things from those WIlliam Gibson novels look like.

  183. Evoflash

    Intel Thrusts their Miammary Vice into Top Gear.

  184. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Fully supports, POKE and PEEK on mammary addresses

  185. My Opinion

    This was one product The Register readers were busting to see in the flesh.

  186. This post has been deleted by its author

  187. A K Stiles

    Lester was very impressed with the upgrades in the V2 BRASTRAP module!

  188. My Opinion

    What do you mean, you've got to bust it to see if it works properly?

  189. Frumious Bandersnatch

    I, for one, approve of new methods of getting women into technology.

  190. Frumious Bandersnatch

    "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

    I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?

  191. DancesWithLice

    Move over, glassholes - here come the bra-stards.

  192. Zork-1

    Now, let me show you the emergency eject function in the (un)likely event that it overheats and catches fire. And no, it's completely hack proof.

  193. johnnybee

    You have to buy licenses to use the full set of vents!? Gods, I hate nipplewear!

  194. Fibbles

    Intel invent bra with built in Lithium-Ion battery. Finally the Feminist dream of the self burning bra is realised.

  195. Eddy Ito

    You can see the thermally insulated tantalum silicon underwire processor here. It works a treat under heavy load but we need to come up with a catchy name for it.

  196. Anonymous Custard

    Now just connect the printer up to the CUPS server here, and we'll get started...

  197. Rol

    Finally we can ditch that old cd drive, this is surely a far better cup holder.

  198. Anonymous Custard

    After PARIS and LOHAN, Lester finds his next project...

  199. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Geeks rejoice!

    Smartphone-based bra unlock set to completely eliminate defer the awkwardness of groping around in the dark not having a fucking clue what they're supposed to be doing.

  200. Rol

    Orchitis? Yes it used to be very painful, but this little baby is multi-purpose, and not just for top bollocks.

  201. Rol

    Does my hand look big in this?

  202. Frumious Bandersnatch

    hackers defeat "chastity" mode in 5, 4, 3 ...

  203. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Thanks to the magic of voice recognition, it opens with a simple "aBra cadaBra".

  204. td0s

    Intels new Mammory boost technology

  205. Nick Goldman

    I'm sure you said that IoT stood for Internet of *Things*

  206. michaelJ

    HiTech over shoulder boulder holder bashes iwatch into touch

  207. This post has been deleted by its author

  208. Origin

    smart bra by Intel: keeping the big guns under wraps..

  209. Queeg






    *Terms and conditions apply.....

  210. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Just over 50 years after the original "Wonderbra", Intel pitches in with "I wonder what the hell they were thinking" concept.

  211. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Intel's "Bra-Z-Air" also includes heating elements.

  212. DZ-Jay


    From the Omni Consumer Products division at Playtex, introducing the new Maidenform T2 Series, with RoboCup (tm) technology.

  213. yoganmahew

    Tech support felt a hands on approach would be the quickest way to get a reboot...

  214. i steal your leccy

    Just look what i'm doing with my life...maybe the Taliban have got a point?

  215. Frumious Bandersnatch

    So as you see, the echolocation system emits a burst from here and a 3d reconstruction is mapped onto the user's breast via a network of electrodes.

  216. i steal your leccy

    "HOT TITS!"

    No Susan, i wasn't being sexist, i was just expressing concern for your wellbeing.

  217. i steal your leccy

    Its Meucci & Bell all over again!

    I hope Maurice Moss is watching what Intel is getting up to.

  218. i steal your leccy

    Apparently, tickets for Intel's 'New Products Presentation' have 'Sold Out' quicker than Comic Con!

  219. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Blue tit

    company colour

  220. Palf

    What Tech Support was always meant to be

  221. grumpy3rdline

    Intel pushes forward with augmented reality!

  222. Rol

    Julie arouses the invisible woman in the middle of a teleconference and no one is any the wiser.

  223. Poet_69

    As all know

    Purchase of this device require the following prereqs , uninstall wife v1.0 install Tinder, hell Grinder for those not wanting to halve their chances. And installing partner 2.0. Be aware this upgrade comes with many costs including entertainment expenses and reapplication of Alcohol v1.01.

    Should you manage to pull this off you will find uninstalling Wife 1.0 can me rather costly in fact possibly losing the housing application and visitation privileges. Still there are benefits Nagging v4eva goes away. If however you were foolish enough to upgrade Wife 1.0 to include child then lets face it, you are in for the soul destroying wait times not to mention remove -payroll benefits or you can simply reinstall from scratch install all under different USER ID and relocate datacenters.

  224. ZeezertronRobotFromOuterSpace

    Brainy Bra Beats all

    Buxom Breasts' Best Bet Yet

  225. Rol

    "And you can assure us, once the lasers are fitted, Mr Cameron will look more intimidating then Angela Merkel?"

  226. Rol

    Unfortunately the two byte register still leaves us with NO and not much else.

  227. Rol

    Running her fingers through the fabric she exclaims, "It's as smooth as a Seagate"

    And the onlookers nodded knowingly.

  228. Rol

    The jellyfish, slightly perplexed, points out it isn't a mammal and neither is it inappropriately dressed for the meeting.

    1. Frumious Bandersnatch

      <off topic>

      The jellyfish, slightly perplexed

      Jellyfish don't have brains, though. Just saying...

      </off topic>

  229. Rol

    After Metropolis finished filming, Maschinenmensch was never seen again, but some of her parts came to light recently when Antiques Roadshow visited Highgrove.

  230. Rol

    The MOD were admirably impressed with the exoskeletons field testing, but suggested this, with a kilt might not sit well with the Black Watch.

  231. Blue Pumpkin

    Guys, guys guys, I specifically said big-endian ...

  232. Herby

    Yes, these will work with "Bulgarian Air Bags" .

  233. Antonymous Coward

    Innovative new airbag technology unveiled by Bulgaria's Mammistry of Transport.

    (PS: I'm NOT posting AC FFS!)

    (Edit: not a ripoff of the preceding commentardary, which I hadn't seen. Honest)

  234. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Electronic bustups may be painful!

  235. rsole

    Hello there tech support, I'm having an issue with BRA software, it keeps saying Yes!

  236. rsole

    The only problem I can find is the WD software keeps saying Back Up! Back Up! Back Up!

  237. rsole

    Sir, how do we explain where the software budget has gone?

  238. John Tserkezis

    "Intel creates smart bra... And more importantly manages to get picture on laptop in correct perspective".

    Yeah, I know, but I'm not eligable for entry anyway. Take it leave it.

  239. SelfDriver

    A busted flush cools faster!

  240. DarkLordofSurrey

    Silicon Valley

  241. LuDo

    This bra is smart, roses are blue. I just want to say how much I'll hack you.

  242. LuDo

    Uhm... not sure if my first submission was successful, so will try again. Sorry if repeating:

    "This bra is smart, roses are blue. I just want to say how much I'll hack you!"

  243. Down not across

    So this is what underwired means.

  244. Robert Helpmann??

    From the Hentai Secrets Line

    Intel announced today that it was teaming with the Great Cthulhu to produce a surprising new product: the Elder Sign Bra (Tentacles Inside™). Providing excellent support and integrated protection from Shoggoths and Elder Gods, this essential undergarment features an integrated database of countermeasures against the otherworldly.

    Available in the following styles: Eldritch, Squamous, Cyclopean, Indescribable, Unnameable, Blasphemous and the eponymous 8€™.

  245. DBarber


  246. MrNed

    I've heard of underwired bras, but this is just ridiculous.

  247. Frumious Bandersnatch

    BOFH Moss was sure he'd sorted out the minor spontaneous combustion issue, but just to be sure he roped in one of the beancounters to activate it while he monitored from the safety of his Skype link. He lingered expectantly at the back just in case there was another "golf" incident.

  248. ingie

    she gave me a 36DDDOS and a slap across the face...

    ... i doubt she'll invite me back to do the penetration test.

  249. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The woman demonstrates the North Korean version, containing spy cameras, night-vision LEDs, and custom designed to fit Kim Jong-Un.

    (Seriously, from the photos it looks like a Soviet era torture device for women).

  250. Mk4

    ... so, before we close the meeting. To maximize the sales potential we need you to make a version for men. When can we have that?

  251. Bbbbit

    The prototype was criticised upon its release, but then all new technology has its knockers.

  252. Jos V

    Yes, we're almost ready for launch, but the marketing department is just a bit worried it will be dubbed the FondleBra by the Register and ruin our name..

  253. i steal your leccy

    Meanwhile, at McLaren HQ...

    "And as you can see, the 'Telemetry' from the new vest proves conclusively that Jenson Button is a Big Girls Blouse!"

  254. i steal your leccy

    Unveiled, Oculus Rift's 'Must Have Peripheral'

    "Now 'Gamers' can truly feel what its like to get 'Kicked In The Tits', just like Chun Li does".

  255. rsole

    Computer says, no :)

  256. DancesWithLice

    The peekaboo version runs open source.

  257. TonyA

    Smart Bra

    CUSTOMER: "I'd like a new Smart Bra for my wife please".

    SALES ASSISTANT: "Certainly Sir, what bust?"

    CUSTOMER: "Nothing really, the old one just wore out"

    (c) 1855 Bob Monkhouse

  258. Mihai

    Remote counselling

    Our sensors show you don't spend enough time in this area...

  259. Mihai

    And then the PFY made me wear this...

  260. Mihai

    It will inflate and help non-bulgarian drivers to overcome the handicap in case the sensors detect a sudden stop.

  261. Mihai

    And this VR accessory will allow you to choose an NPC and open a whole new way of playing GTA 5.

  262. Mihai

    And this is the top of the line model with a 4k nipple fish eye lens camera.

  263. Mihai

    The piezoelectric crystals allow for jiggle powered wearable devices

  264. dunbankin

    Product development conference

    "...and we're re-naming the padding 'Bloatware'."

  265. breadboard

    And to deflate, you press Windows, Start, Shutdown.

  266. John F. Jackson

    Caption Comp

    If the tock is underpants I'm switching to ARM.

  267. i steal your leccy

    Its like something outta 'Holmes & Yoyo'.

    "The Bunco Squad, the Bunco Squad, The Bunco Squad".

  268. Peter Stone

    Show me again, just what exactly has to be pressed to get the thing to reboot?

  269. icefalcon

    Latest intel storage solution goes titsup

  270. i steal your leccy

    "Get your chips out, get your chips out, get your chips out for the lads, GET YOUR CHIPS OUT FOR THE LADS!"

  271. i steal your leccy

    "Yeah, after extensive research from our focus groups, we've decided to call it The FITBITch".

  272. Kaltern

    ...and the Reg Vulture goes here.

  273. curious orange

    George Lucas lets slip there will be female stormtroopers in the new Star Wars film.

  274. curious orange

    This new technology will be a storm in a t-cup

  275. curious orange

    And now, ladies and gentlemen, a nw kind of silicon for your tits.

  276. Mehrsprachigkeit

    ... and depending on the level of heat of the user, it proceeds in order to open the vents, drop to the ground or book the nearest hotel room.

  277. url

    Jog Suit::Iot Jugs

  278. OmgTheyLetMePostInTheUK

    Is that Hillary Clinton's secret email server security system?

  279. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "and we are working on a model that opens vents before it senses a certain level of heat and sweat."

  280. flipflopper

    Unsurprisingly, climate control bra turns out to be fanless.

  281. Werner McGoole

    To manage online security we'll be using a port knocker.

    Good plan... Keep the starboard one as a backup!

  282. Colin 27

    Techies in uproar when misunderstanding Intel announcement that they want to shrink silicon....

    Meanwhile, in other news, new film coming out titled "I Know Who Motor-Boated You Last Summer".

  283. i steal your leccy

    No Glass Ceiling At The Reg

    "As you can see my prototype has been a complete success! It's like what i've been saying all these years... If you want something done right, call a woman!"

  284. i steal your leccy

    Glass Ceiling At The Reg

    "Oh right! <giggle> i always thought the Brown Wire was Earth, cos its brown, like dirt innit?" ...shit, where'd i put me nail polish?

  285. theleader

    Weapons of mass destraction

    "I wonder what would happen if hackers get their hands on these puppies?"

  286. i steal your leccy


    "Yeah, its been tested to destruction...not in a laboratory...we gave it to Jo Brand to wear for a week, and as you can see it survived the ordeal intact!"

  287. i steal your leccy

    Wouldn't Put It Past Them.

    Behind the scenes look at DARPA's new BCDS (Breast Cancer Delivery System)

  288. Rol

    If, as it appears, Intel is no longer chasing the low hanging fruit, can we expect things to be a little perkier in the future.

  289. Neoc

    The new bra design created a storm(trooper) in a c-cup.

  290. D 17

    Smart Bra? ...looks Pants!

  291. rpark

    Intel Inside

    ♫ Intel Inside Outside- Livin' la Vida Loca ♫

  292. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Aaaaand still with "SexyCyborg"'s bid over the Internet. Going once ...

  293. Frumious Bandersnatch

    re: "not even the dead mouse the snake rejected because it was in shed."

    re "in shed"---huh? I just noticed this. Did you just steal my joke from last week (a pun on Slough) and take it as your own? For shame!

  294. Securitymoose

    I think Pete from IT may have borrowed the robot - it's the only way he can get a girlfriend

    I think Pete from IT may have borrowed the robot - it's the only way he can get a girlfriend

  295. Securitymoose

    After watching 'Real Humans' on TV, we thought we'd start with the easy bit

    After watching 'Real Humans' on TV, we thought we'd start with the easy bit.

  296. warped100

    Intel launches the latest in tech support.

  297. Securitymoose

    Mammulous Rift - Virtual reality just got better.

    Mammulous Rift - Virtual reality for girls

  298. e_darren

    'Security. We need to check you for wires.'

  299. jimbo60

    I'll bite...

    Apple's latest attempt to create new markets: The new iWire bra harnesses jiggle energy to keep its mobes powered for an entire day.

  300. Trigonoceps occipitalis

    Give it away free and offer a paid for upgrade with haptic feedback.

  301. Huns and Hoses

    So you're telling us we just shipped 50000 of these with the quick release phrase set to Testing's "show us your tits"?

  302. Huns and Hoses

    And hidden in the underwire version 2 can accommodate up to 42F of expansion mammary.

  303. andyrox

    Here we have it... this is Clive Sinclair's greatest masterpiece, without this the Miner's Strikes could have had a very different outcome.

  304. Dylan Fahey

    Did I just say anus?

    The cover story is for a smart bra, but we know what this is, and although these new incontinence undies are upside down, we were wondering about where to attach the wires for the anus evac system?

  305. Steve Kennedy


    The wearables team didn't quite get the brief for designing a heart rate monitor for men


    Nice rack.... 4U

  307. F. Svenson

    Entrant #303.

    Intel engineers cunningly designed a project they felt certain would finally mean getting females on campus.

  308. SouthernWaylander

    And this is the bit that bites the hand that feeds IT should it stray too close......

  309. SouthernWaylander

    An on this day ransomware was taken to a whole new level....

  310. SouthernWaylander

    Sales and Marketing Department 101: The misunderstanding of Business Requirements Analysis projects for beginners

  311. SouthernWaylander

    "And the Biometric Chastity Fingerprint Reader is located here"

  312. Skoenlapper


  313. wilsond3010

    smart bra fail's to detect cold weather

  314. NZ_MarkK

    "It got hot and steamy then the whole thing went titsup, can you fix it?"

  315. exrugbyman

    IT Support

    UK Gov offers free support to IT industry (some strings attached)

  316. Chozo

    Shameless Red Dwarf Plug

    The improved design now receives up Jazz FM, in stereo.

  317. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Mammolus Rift Development Kit 1

  318. Laura Kerr

    "You need to upgrade to a paid subscription before I can undo the clasp."

  319. scrubber

    Microsoft's new touch interface is a real game changer.

  320. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now, I noticed a lot of people weren't paying attention to the device last time I presented it, so I've shaped this one to attract techies...

  321. 2469cf

    New automatic alert system to keep you abreast of breaking news on The Register proves to be popular.

  322. g e

    The computer's bust.

  323. simmondp

    "We just need a little help about where the lock goes on this chastity bra"

  324. TheManCalledStan

    Dorothy's WebEx demonstration that she couldn't wear the bionic bra as the motion charger had been installed in reverse drew keen viewing!

  325. ilithium

    Now available as a unisex stimulus device: digital pants!

  326. AstroNutter

    PFY: How many volts in those guns?

  327. Tat2Ninja

    Intel unsure how to market their new Smart-Bra... Content varies and is rarely freely available

  328. Jimbobalero

    South Korea found a way to confuse those NORK hackers at last....

  329. Kreton

    Kreton Says

    Optimized for performance so he can spend more time experiencing the things you love most

  330. shoeshopboy

    But are you turned on?

  331. TheManInSpain

    Our next version will use the BayTrail DD!

  332. Sfnch

    Material Girl Gets Her Oats

  333. Greeba

    Surprisingly turned out to be a real site, with vid conferencing as just one of its features.

  334. Oliver 7

    Gives a whole new meaning to 'tits up'.

  335. Oliver 7

    The Smart Bra gives a whole new meaning to 'underwired'!

  336. Oliver 7

    When I checked the wife's Smart Bra, the MAC address was 59:00:95:90:09:dd.

  337. SpasticHawk

    Intel produces technology that is in working state when tits up.

  338. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Comes in four sizes:

    2 Boob, 2 KiloBoob, 2 MegaBoob and 2 TeraBoob*

    2 PetaBoob and 2 ExaBoob capacities coming in 2016-2017

    *Sizes reflect unformatted capacity.

  339. Huns n Hoses

    And breastfeeding mums can activate the docking station by pressing here.

  340. msknight

    "After many complaints about the clasp being difficult, this one responds to Ctrl+Start+L"

  341. Anonymous Custard

    The prototype was less IoT and more TiT

  342. Evoflash

    The FAT32 model will probably need to be rebranded.

  343. dajames

    That's not padding ... it's insulation. We had to add that after two girls wearing the prototype were electrocuted in a wet T-Shirt competition.

  344. dajames

    It uses an exFAT mammary storage system for a more slimming look.

  345. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    We've designed it to give EeePC Girl the perfect cleavage shot via the front facing camera.

  346. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yes, it connects directly to InControl Touch Pro, Jaguar's brand new, state-of-the-art infotainment system, automatically forwarding your tweets.

  347. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Problem is, its discharging really fast, when there's a iPad connection to the large dock in the middle.

  348. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Its worn through here, from months and months of EeePC Girl lying on the beach.

  349. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Why yes, I have other inventions. In behind this I have my collection of L-shaped sofas. Lower case.

  350. RogueBean

    Permissions: Global

    "OK, that's the nips, now I just need the Smart Pants to get my other 'peripheral' online too"

  351. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yes, its Wifi Enabled. 300 Mega tits per second.

  352. magickmark

    Doris called up the team to keep them abreast of the current situation.

  353. Nick 27

    ...And if you press this button, your hair turns pink.

  354. Bigpatc

    Thank you Intel

    "Intel installed a Targeting System in my Double Barreled Slingshot"

  355. Bigpatc


    "New telepresence system with advanced eye-tracking technology"

  356. Outotha Bunker

    When you said you wanted to hold Big data up, this idea takes the booby prize!

  357. Ralph76

    Capation compeTITion

    Vanessa had been dreading "bring your family to work" day. Finally they realised her play on words when she had said the job was in "Silicon valley"...

This topic is closed for new posts.