Apple hypegasm countdown. What will the new, big iPad ACTUALLY be called?

Much of the world is poised on the edge of its collective seat this week, awaiting the scheduled moment tomorrow when mighty Apple - the fruitchomp-branded love/hate Wall Street darling of the technology world - will unveil its latest offerings. But what will these be? Just how will the great brains of Cupertino seek to …

[Alister]

Gogglebrick!

indeed

[mafoo]

Re: Gogglebrick!

Max-iPad

[adnim]

"... What SHOULD the fruitsters unveil this week?"

Altruism

[Anonymous Coward]

Wow the author is bitter.

[Morrolan]

Lewis Page is something of a comedian, and it's well-known that all comedians are bitter.

The legendary Marvin the Android's character was based on a comedian.

[magickmark]

Kind of ...

I believe that DNA always maintained that Marvin was based on a comedy writer called Andrew Marshall (Adams originally named the robot Marshall) although his mother told him that Marvin was actually Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh.

http://www.shmoop.com/hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy/marvin.html

[GrumpenKraut]

> Lewis Page (he may even turn green sometimes).

...for a completely new definition of "green"?

OT: can anybody tell me why spell-checking doesn't work in the comment's here? Using iceweasel(firefox) and spell check works everywhere else.

[GrumpenKraut]

Me:

> OT: ... spell-checking ...

Never mind, fixed now. Apologies for the noise.

Icon depicts myself.

[Vic]

can anybody tell me why spell-checking doesn't work in the comment's here?

It's personal. It hates you.

Probably something to do with the use of the grocer's apostrophe...

Vic.

[Anonymous Coward]

Personally Malignant Universe.

[Anonymous Coward]

You spelled inestimable wrong; its spelled B-A-R-E-L-Y L-I-T-E-R-A-T-E.

[Alister]

its spelled B-A-R-E-L-Y L-I-T-E-R-A-T-E.

Oh the irony...

[Buzzword]

Tellydangle

It's a dongle which dangles from the TV's HDMI port; and because of the word association with dangly bits.

[Jimmy2Cows]

Re: Tellydangle

Low hanging fruit...?

[Velv]

Guess who didn't get an invite to the party?

[Anonymous Coward]

Apple will announce an innovative, unique and magical..

..Augmented Reality Headset, Apple will make it work unlike all the other tech companies who tried before.

[Ru']

Re: Apple will announce an innovative, unique and magical..

Augmented Reality Headset, Apple will patent it and claim they invented it before all the other tech companies

FTFY

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Apple will announce an innovative, unique and magical..

Sorry I didn't write Sarcasm! FTFY

[djstardust]

Going by the fact Apple copy virtually everything it will be the Galaxy Pad 12.2 Pro

[James Delaney]

I for one…

welcome our fruitchomp-branded love/hate Wall Street darling of the technology world overlord.

[Haku]

Please let it be a 4k resolution 32" iPad

If only to make fun of them trying to use it on public transport.

[Bill Fresher]

Re: Please let it be a 4k resolution 32" iPad

A 32" iPad will be the perfect digital camera replacement - especially if they also release a selfie stick made from a scaffolding pole.

[TRT]

Re: Please let it be a 4k resolution 32" iPad

The Dom Joly of iPhones.

[TeeCee]

In the Apple store:

"Yes sir. Would you like to supersize your iPad for only £500 more?"

(Still considering optional micro-drones and a "Would you like flies with that?" gag.)

[Anonymous Coward]

Now this, right here, is what I hate..

.. about Apple.

I appreciate that part of their sales come from people with an uncontrollable need to belong to some herd instead of using their own brain to take decisions, but all of this is too American for me. Call me suspicious, but I honestly don't believe people can get that enthusiastic without harbouring some serious mental problems or use of banned substances :).

They frequently do amazing things (well, did, the watch thing was IMHO a massive miss but that at least sold to the 'must have' audience) , but the whole hype thing is one of the most irritating things about Apple - the stuff is generally good enough to float on its own.

On the plus side, I don't have to watch it. I'll see the summary in a thousand places afterwards, which means I save myself an hour or so..

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Now this, right here, is what I hate..

Nothing suspicious, just a properly run conditioning regime. It's not Apple alone. Just listen to some people (men) arguing the virtues of one brand of truck over another. Somehow, I'm neither sure how or when, Faith/Belief enters into psyche. I've often wondered (seriously, I have) where/how I managed to miss this facet of "education,"

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Now this, right here, is what I hate..

The hype is done by the media, not by Apple (unless you are one of the conspiracy theorists who believes Apple pays off the press for publicity) They just schedule an event to announce new stuff, same as every year, same as many companies do. Its just that theirs gets press flying in from all over the world, while HTC announcing something gets a few local guys and can be held in room sized for the average wedding banquet.

It got to be a big thing because of Steve Jobs...I kind of thought once he was gone that it would not see so much hype, especially since there hasn't been any sort of major announcement or surprise at any of them since Jobs died. I don't think a bigger iPad - if it arrives - or an improved Apple TV that outputs 4K and maybe has some sort of OTT TV packages available really will surprise since everyone already seems to be expecting it. Too bad Cook won't be driven on stage in a new Apple self-driving car - now THAT would be worthy of some hype!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Now this, right here, is what I hate..

It's probably worth mentioning that despite my dislike for the Apple circus, I am a happy user of Apple products. I just hate the whole hype thing.

[Anonymous Coward]

Probably

In homage to their late great and well adjusted founder, the new jumbo iPad will be known as the iPad Stevie(tm)(r) and will come in a fitted and expensive black turtleneck sleeve.

On the Stevie, Siri will insult you in a petulant American whine: "I can't believe you asked me something so stupid, I mean why are you even here? Don't hold me, I DON'T WANT you to HOLD ME!! (ok, hold me now - Stevie wants a cuddle!)"

The iPad Stevie will be overly skinny and will expire early. You won't get your money back.

[Mondo the Magnificent]

It will be called:

The MaXiPad... and should be resistant to liquids and spillage....

[Fink-Nottle]

Re: It will be called:

the evengrandmacanreaditnowPad ...

[Montreal Sean]

Re: It will be called:

And you should be able to use it while horseback riding, wind-surfing, or skydiving.

[PleebSmash]

Re: It will be called:

iPlanet

[Howard Hanek]

Suggestion

The iBetterGetThisRight ??

..but I really liked 'iMaxiPad'

They should market it as the first gender neutral tablet.....

[Frank N. Stein]

"iMaxiPad"?

I have no interest in a bigger iPad. What I need to know is what the iPhone 6S will be. The 5S offered more than incremental upgrades. If that trend holds true this year, while the screen size and shape will remain the same, it's unlikely to get any thinner or lighter.

[Craigness]

Diversicide

One recent Apple release is their self-congratulatory report into how few men and white people they've hired lately. Why don't white people just die off already? And when will Julie Bindel get her concentration camps?

Until I die off myself, I'll not buy anything Apple.

[Bota]

I pad pro plus-s edition

I actually know people who miss vital shit like work, their education or vacation time to watch apple key note speeches. I don't own anything apple and never would, I think their mac book pro is excellent but I just really really don't want to be one of those people. As for ipad, Shirley the bigger iPhone made those irrelevant?

[Howard Hanek]

Bonking

iBonk in celebration of those apple bonkers who fought off the seaming meamies.

[Anonymous Coward]

iBoard

Or is that iBored? <ba-dum-tsss>

[Soap Distant]

Kirsty Young

Now I'm showing my vintage, but she was a damn fine reason to watch Channel 5 news. My recollection of current affairs in the '90s is a bit hazy though...

Oh was the poll about iStuff? Err...

SD

[disgruntled yank]

Why I didn't go into marketing

How about "iSlabs for iSlobs"?

Frankly, the only thing more tedious than Apple Love is Apple Hate.

[atomez]

Only geeks buy specs

The rest of us buy things that work well to do what we want

[Teiwaz]

I'm betting on...

The iMon (or iMonolith - in honour of the other huge black slab from 2001, and the future 'church of jobs')

Weighing in on the Gogglebrick - to confusing, 'goggle' to similar to 'google'

('course, they're going all 'Playschool' now so...)

[john devoy]

I'd call it...

Unnecessary. If you need a pro device than an IOS tablet is the wrong tool.

[Anonymous Coward]

"... What SHOULD the fruitsters unveil this week?"

Their corporate plan to actually pay income tax in a moral and open way.

OR

Donate $500m to refugees.

[Tom 7]

RaspberryPi DS

I hope it can run two of those new touch screens...

[msknight]

What it will be called...

Overpriced.

[Teiwaz]

Re: What it will be called...

"Overpriced."

I'd add...

'Pretentious'.

[Fullbeem]

Well timed event

The author might be lucky and the Apple livefeed might end just as Channel 5 news begins. However both events may involve him with his trousers down

[Picky]

iWank

Describes the users?

[TheOtherHobbes]

iPad Ballmer?

[TRT]

It will be 21" diagonal...

and called the iCan'tHoldThisAnymore!