back to article Self-driving cars? Boring. We want self driving, lizard dodging golf carts

Many jaded readers of the Register, noting on the interwebs the endless stream of stories about self-driving cars - being worked upon by such companies as Google - may have wondered whether in fact anyone at all is actually working on the real, genuine problems confronting the human race. Well wonder no more, my jaundiced …

  1. Captain DaFt

    Golf carts? Cute.

    Let's cut to the chase here.

    We've had self flying aircraft for years, so the obvious question is, "Where the Hell's my self driving flying car?"

    1. imanidiot Silver badge

      Re: Golf carts? Cute.

      If we can't even manage a decent self driving car, how in the world do you expect autonomous flying vehicles to function in anything other than tightly controlled airspace far away from any other flying object? Flying vehicles for the average consumer is just never going to happen, autonomous or not.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Golf carts? Cute.

      Shot down over Texas.

  2. Khaptain

    Armory

    All that is required is one of the those #cough# soon to be decommissioned #cough# 30mm Gatling guns from an A10 Warthog and no damned lizard is gonna stand in your way.

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: Armory

      Nah, all that is required is to edit a couple of things and have the golf carts head for the lizards.

      "Please feed the wild animals"

    2. TitterYeNot

      Re: Armory

      "30mm Gatling guns from an A10 Warthog"

      That certainly would be, erm, memorable.

      Sorry to be a spoil-sport, but I'm going to have to invoke Newton's third law here ("For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".) The 30mm GAU-8 cannon in the A10 fires extremely dense depleted Uranium armour piercing rounds at a rate of around 4,000 rounds per minute, which results in a rearwards force due to recoil which is greater than the thrust of one of its jet engines.

      You would have the first backwards flying golf cart, but not in a good way...

      1. Khaptain

        Re: Armory

        Your right, I read an article recently where the pilots mentioned that the whole plane shook and vibrated when they unleashed the "wrath" from these guns... Absolutely amazing to see the videos and the pure "destruction" that these guns cause/caused..

        1. Holtsmark

          Re: Armory

          For the math required to calculate the gatling gun propelled golf cart, see the obligatory xkcd: https://what-if.xkcd.com/21/ (Well worth the read)

          1. Khaptain

            Re: Armory

            That made by day, well worth the read, when I a m at the firing range this weekend I will definitely have a little think and a little chat with my "large calibre firing friends". It would be fun to watch them shooting whilst wearing roller skates.

      2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Armory

        >You would have the first backwards flying golf cart, but not in a good way...

        Unless you had 2 equal and opposite gattling guns ....

        Also useful in busy traffic

      3. Stuart21551

        Re: Armory

        Turn the guns the other way - 'cost down'

        No need for battery, controller, motor, transmission, diff - but I would keep the brakes -

  3. TeeCee Gold badge

    "It was this stop-and-go game over who's going to do what,"

    Hmm, wasn't there an article recently featuring a Google self-driving vehicle and something that exhibited exactly the same behaviour as the lizard?

    Ah yes. It was that urban hazard familiar to most, a lizard-brained cyclist of course.

  4. Your alien overlord - fear me

    How about a goat (yes, the proverbial sacreficial goat) which gets released when near a Komodo dragon. Said overgrown geckos will invariably go after said goat and let those too lazy to walk tourists an uninterupted trip to the local Dunkin Donuts or whereever they're going.

    1. Little Mouse Silver badge
      Terminator

      When encountering deadly hazards, any self-respecting A.I. would immediately abandon its fleshy humanoid cargo and run away smartish.

      That's what I'd do, anyway.

    2. lawndart

      The sacrificial goat idea is lizardy Danegeld.

      You do it a couple of times and then you find that you are attracting the monitors and komodo dragons, who have discovered an easy source of food.

      Soon you have gangs of komodos ambushing golf carts to get their dinner. What happens when a golf cart, already stopped once before, fails to produce its goaty treat?

      You get komodo dragons pushing over your golf cart to get at the consolation prize inside. Then you have well fed maneating venomous komodo dragons to contend with and not a St,George or Ricky Wurmtoter in sight.

      It'll all end in tears.

  5. Denarius Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Cairns and points north could use this

    where the lizards (sort of) are huge. Might be useful at Yorkeys Knob golf course, next to a tropical swamp. With Gatling gun fitted of course

  6. Herby

    GAU-8 and a Golf Course??

    Now that would be an interesting sport. Almost good enough for TV.

    Of course, the talk of making self driving golf cards begs the question: Why not just put in a set of rails on the path, and then have a railed golf cart to zoom around. Probably less costly.

    1. Khaptain

      Re: GAU-8 and a Golf Course??

      "Of course, the talk of making self driving golf cards begs the question: Why not just put in a set of rails on the path, and then have a railed golf cart to zoom around. Probably less costly."

      Because the lardy assed, high handicapped golfers can't hit the ball worth shit and they spend post of their time driving all over the golf course looking for their balls, usually far from the normal paths...this would require a complete inter-city, intra-urban, intra-forest, submersible set of highly connected rails....

      I admit that it is very comfortable to have a golf cart but it stops one from improving. It gets tiring walking all over the golf course looking for badly hit balls and this is usually enough to push your desire to improve, take more lessons or alternatively give up golf completely....

      Now if someone stood behind you with a GAU-8, you might actually take a bit more time with that swing.. Teeing off would then become a fun sport to watch.

    2. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: GAU-8 and a Golf Course??

      "Why not just put in a set of rails on the path"

      (Yes, I know this is a sarcastic question)

      Because people trip over them - and if you flush-fit the things then they're both a hazard to cyclists and prone to getting full of various crap which will derail them so your maintenance load is higher.

      There's a lot to be said for self-driving golf carts as an urban transportation mode.

      Enough seats (3 in a pinch) for 90% of purposes, cargo tray on the back for shopping, lightweight (low energy requirements, fast braking), low speed but "fast enough" for urban canyons and based on the ones I've driven, surprisingly nimble.

      Helloooooo JohnnyCab.

  7. AndrewDu

    So to carry out a heist on one of these self-driving cars, all you have to do is get an accomplice to stand still in front of it (and possibly another one behind it), while you mug the occupants at your leisure?

    Yeah, that's what I thought all along.

  8. Mark 85 Silver badge

    What's next in this..?

    Presumably they're working a way for the cart to track your ball and take you to it? Yep... just what the world needs.

  9. ntevanza

    Self-walking golfer

    All we need now is a golfer who can be trained to walk by him or herself. They could be given a medical insurance discount for walking a certain distance, or, failing that, tasty treats.

    Advanced walkers could be trained to avoid lizards. Eventually, once they reach full autonomy and spend more time in meaningful activity, most golfers can go on to lead normal lives.

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