Another chance to win a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive

In an act of supreme kindness, we are giving you another chance to win a 6TB Western Digital Hard Drive – in this week’s Vulture Caption Competition. Last week’s caption competition had the little grey cells in overdrive. The picture of a gorilla contemplating an iPhone led to lots of comments on who might have access to his …

[TheManCalledStan]

Relax! I'm a GM spider, poison been replaced with tattoo ink! So it was a butterfly you wanted on your shoulder, right?

[dogged]

Wrong subject?

"Can somebody please get this screaming bitch off my arse?"

[Anonymous Coward]

Scale

Sally suddenly realised there was something worse than five eyes.

[John L Ward]

3d tattoo printing site hacked

[SniperPenguin]

Sarah wasn't impressed with her son's Raspberry Pi robotics project....

[SniperPenguin]

The Vendors new marketing stress ball was getting mixed results....

[Roger B]

"Where's my Head & Shoulders!? This dandruff has legs!"

[Anonymous Coward]

Web printing trial reports partial success

[Yeti]

Noo! I've had enough with all these web crawlers!

[dave 81]

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

[dajames]

She's an Intel salesperson, right?

Oh, no! A web-crawler running on ARM!

[Chronos]

Oh my god, Boris! We've just been chosen to meet and greet Donald Trump!

[RonWheeler]

No

No flies on me....

[daz disley]

"Oh. My. God ... What a dreadful font."

[JakeMS]

When they said we were going to see the new Spiderman this is NOT what I had in mind!

[Anonymous Blowhard]

This is a nightmare! My 3D tattoo is still freaking me out!

[Groaning Ninny]

She then wished she'd remembered to shave before leaving for the party

[Camilla Smythe]

remembered to shave...

But keep it clean, particularly because the picture has a young woman in it.

Don't Shave? No Partner to lick you clean? Try bathing occasionally.

[Havin_it]

"I told my blind date I'm a web designer, web developer *and* a web master. It didn't impress her much."

[Sigmund Fraud]

Incy Wincy spider

Arghhhh!!! there's a spider on my arm for no rhyme or reason.

[Inspector71]

Spider IT Support offers to upgrade her laptop to Windows 10.

[adnim]

What are you so upset for? You're not exactly easy to wipe off you know.

[codejunky]

!!!

YIKES! I stepped on a human.

[msknight]

"Black Spider" won't let me browse YouTube! Whaaaa!

[Omgwtfbbqtime]

Have you accepted SpiderJesus into your life?

[Steven Raith]

Get superfast fiber, they said.

Get the real web, they said....

[Steven Raith]

Spider: So, I installed Windows 10 for you...

Lass: Aaaargh!

[Ole Juul]

Browser history:

Frontier web crawler.

[Roger B]

"Sarah had said she was a web designer, for some dating sites, this was enough to find her a match"

[Queeg]

I know it's not a bird of paradise but I wonder if David Attenborough will like this one too.

[Lionel Baden]

The only thing to fear is fear. Oh and spiders, F*ck Spiders

[DavCrav]

As seen on a t-shirt:

http://www.snorgtees.com/the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear

[Lionel Baden]

think its wider than that, heard this one years ago.

Are we allowed to re-iterate jokes that reside within our wetware storage ?

[AlgernonFlowers4]

Web Captcha!

Thanks tor using the all new Ashley Madison Web Captcha program!

[Someonehasusedthathandle]

Deb calls web celeb a pleb!

[Ben Bonsall]

Hmm, no flies on her.

[Ben Bonsall]

Balls, beaten to it.

How about:

It was only they agreed to meet that she realized she just doesn't like men with hairy backs.

[Ben Bonsall]

How about I learn to type.

It was only when they agreed to meet that she realized she just doesn't like men with hairy backs.

[Tom 64]

lookin' for the web in all the wrong places

This is what happens when you don't use HTTPS

[Kristaps]

Typical systemd developer. And some woman.

[druck]

AAAAARRRRH!

I thought robots.txt was supposed to keep web crawlers away!

[Ralph B]

She should have used robots.txt, if she doesn't like webcrawlers.

[Paratrooping Parrot]

The spider spied her and she shrieked!

[404]

DAMNIT GOOGLE! I AM MOBILE!

...

[Necronomnomnomicon]

The terror started when Sarah realised that she had taken off her Hololens.

[Howverydare]

Well, this bites.

[Necronomnomnomicon]

Sarah realised she had misunderstood the SEO expert offering to help "spider her content".

[Richard Tobin]

Eek!

I've got one of those huge humans stuck to my feet!

[Come to the Dark Side]

When they said "I had legs up to here" I thought something was odd...

[Velv]

"Kat was surprised by just how life-like the new tattoo looked"

[VinceH]

"AAAAAAAAARGH! GOOGLE ARE ALL OVER ME!"

[Snow Hill Island]

command-fu

Spider: wget --quiet --execute host:fangs/victim

[John G Imrie]

Stats

New trawl through Ashley Madison database reveals that only 1% of members where Human.

[xj650t]

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

filling her drive with data from the CIA

along came a five eyes spider

that sat down beside her

and whisked all that data away

[msknight]

You and your, "sharp scratch." Why can't you tell the damn truth!

[jonathan keith]

Hey! Not all spiders, right?

[msknight]

"Sharp scratch," you said. "SHARP SCRATCH !"

[graeme leggett]

im terrible with caption competitions

But I will just say the first connection in my mind was with Sarah-Jane in the Planet of Spiders.

I'll be off now, mines the one with the Target novelization in the pocket.

[msknight]

"Now look, baby, I know my name was on that Madison database, but that's no reason to call me a creep that's come crawling back."

[AlgernonFlowers4]

NotManFromMars!

Women are from Venus, Spiders are from Mars!

[msknight]

"I don't care how much you cry. I'm not shaving my mandibles before we kiss."

(I don't mind if multiple entries disqualifies me - I'm having too much fun.)

[Camilla Smythe]

Crap! Caption! Competition!

Reg! Regurgitates! Rubbish! Reproduction! Requests! Rumbumptious! Responses!

[Michael Hawkes]

I filled out the Google right-to-be-forgotten form, so why is this spider back again?

[lawndart]

On site hyperthreading expert runs your back up.

[Kevin Perry]

Book title

The cover for Stieg Larsson's less than successful "Girl with the 3D Printed Spider Tattoo".

[mark 120]

The Company hadn't read the contract properly before allowing Crapita to install the new web based system.

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm shouldering a leggy Brazilian.

[Anonymous Coward]

Where's Adric when you need him?

[Real Ale is Best]

I have eight eyes, I am looking at the phone. Now please take that selfie so we can get on?!

[s. pam]

EU regulators cower in fear over latest Google search extensions

[dowdinsk]

Tattoo removal costs how much?

[geraintwilliams]

Free Hugs :P

[jake]

Early riser, saturday morning, Sears Point:

"I thought I was in Sonoma for the Indy car race!

"Nobody told me there would be TARANTULAS!"

[imakers]

New! Instant Web service! (someone needs to have a word with marketing)

[benprescott]

The industry wants to sell spiders running on x64, but for most customers one byte is enough.

[Andrew Beardsley]

"I thought that the worst thing that could happen from shoulder surfing was that my passwords were stolen"

[Howard_Jablomé]

As it turns out, some people don't actually want instant access to the web.

[lhaworth]

www.....

All i wanted to do was go to the world wide web!!

[Pale cast]

The release of a powerful new web crawler by Boston Dynamics, Google's Robotics division, sparks privacy and public safety concerns.

[Dave 12]

Curtains

It's curtains for me if this terror bites

[Julian 8]

The dark web access has never been easier

[carrynot]

Bird eating spider, maybe.

[Steven Raith]

In soviet russia, spider eats burd!

Sorry.

[Chris Hexter]

I 'ate you, Butler!

[Anonymous Coward]

Google uses Webmaster to increase market penetration.

[vsridharis]

CAUTION!ARM Holdings can be dangerous!Switch to Intel

CAUTION!ARM Holdings can be dangerous!Switch to Intel

[bwright72]

No!! Please don't add me to Bing!

[RussT]

Crawlers

"I thought my robots.txt would stop crawlers!!"

[Tanglewood73]

No! I asked for a meeting room with a spider PHONE

[FunkyHaddock]

Dark and hairy, he could see right up her nose.

[Makeshift]

"No, I don't want to be on Google!"

[Anonymous Coward]

Sarah didn't realise surfing the web was dangerous!

[SimonHayterUK]

Advice

When shopping in the ocean avoid the sea gates... head western and look for digital

[shoeshopboy]

Sue had not cleared her google web history successfully, and know it has come back to haunt her

[onagol]

OMFG!! THERE'S A MAHOOOSIVE HAIRY SPIDER ON MY ARM!!! ARRGGGHHHH!!!

[Julian 8]

Dark web is spreading

[ServerSauna]

When I asked for terabytes, I didn't mean terror bites!

[conorris]

David Arachnoborough

Today we take a closer look at a more common breed of ape, the 'scared human'

[georgied]

It's full of guns, drugs and kiddie peddlers!!

So this is the dark web? Ooh scary…

[Mister_Tad]

The Oculus VR edition of spider solitaire was destined to fail from the start.

[Jimer]

Surprise dating experience

June soon realised that signing up for Ashley-Madison's new Surprise Services were yielding some unexpected bugs!

(reposting as it would appear the first try didn't work)

[hrburrell]

Study shows most Millennials cannot convincingly feign terror

[LordSlaphead]

Nostalgia

Lycos returns! Death to all Googlers!

[Fribblington Coot]

Stop bugging me !

I've just spider reason why your system is crawling - what have you got to sata that ?

[Alrighte_then]

New google spider invades your personal space not just your privacy

[dwilkin]

It's not the spider that worries me - it's that hobbit waving his sword around near my bum!

[Explorer84]

Aaaagh! that's not my shoulder!

[Red_Five]

Gary - when I asked you to get a backup web connection installed, this wasn't quite what I had in mind...

[MarkDOTJames]

JEESH !! I thought you said a nice little gift FROM Amazon not THE Amazon.

[Steven 2]

The Snowden Spider is incredibly stealthy...

.... and in this case caused a serious wikileak.

[Andrew Scaife]

Six terabytes! Six terabytes! Not tarantula bites!

[Mr Plod]

I know your Black but I don't want to be a widow.

[Mr Plod]

I known your Black but I don't want to be a widow

[Anonymous Coward]

Hi, is your login ID 'OldWoman' and did you just raise a help desk request about swallowing a fly?

[Anonymous Coward]

"How in hell is Microsoft not spotting these? I'm rolling back."

[Ciaran McHale]

Just as her date rings the doorbell, Sarah realises her new tatoo does not colour coordinate with her prom dress.

[steamrunner]

Henrietta Pixiebell suddenly realised she hadn't checked that the tattooist actually knew what Rainbow Dash looked like....

[Ciaran McHale]

Although commonly used, the "love at first bite" tactic is not always reliable.

[Bbbbit]

I hate reboots but...

Miss Muffet. We meet again at last...

[packrat]

relax, we're the government and we're here to help.

[jonathan keith]

Exynos Octoclaw.

With hindsight, the Samsung marketing department realised that releasing live spiders at the launch event for their new octocore chip was a terrible mistake.

[TheDysk]

That's the last time Jane will ever ask for a Web Crawler to help her internet research.

[Malik01]

My face when I discovered the spider is photo shopped and the actual picture would have been a super awkward moment.

[theastrodragon]

Don't panic, it's just the new Windows 10 spider.

[Warm Braw]

How it feels to be a woman on Ashley Madison.

[Anonymous Coward]

"How it feels to be a woman on Ashley Madison"

There are women on Ashley Madison?

[AlgernonFlowers4]

Congratulations!

Congratulations, you are this weeks lucky six terror bites winner!

[Little Mouse]

It's big and black and hairy...

...and oi be afraid of it!

[BlartVersenwaldIII]

Three for the price of one

The unfortunately named arachnophobe Ashley Madison's week on the web got even worse when contextual advertising put her in touch with the wrong kind of spin doctor.

========

Miriam didn't get along well with her new proofreader Webster at first.

========

Oh no, that mole is looking a lot worse...

========

Despite finding a giant, Boris found he couldn't see any further than usual.

[Cardinal]

'Scuse me -

Is your name Muffet perchance?

[Dave K]

Lisa suddenly realised that the dark side of the web and Silk Road were not what she was expecting.

[Cardinal]

Just a word in your shell-like....

[Cardinal]

Psssst!

Wanna come back to my place for curd and whey?

[Cardinal]

I meant 'curdS and whey' dammit.

[Cardinal]

OR

Pssst! - Wanna come back to my place for curds and whey-hey-hey?

[Rufus]

Susan: "So why's it called a bird-eating spider?"

[lsces]

What happened to the chip on my shoulder?

[Steve Crook]

There was a young lady who swallowed a fly. Then lost her appetite.

[Anonymous Coward]

Meh....

...if you think I'm scary I'd suggest you don't look what's on the other arm.

[earl grey]

I don't care how many G's that drive can handle

Hit me with your best shot!

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't mind giving you a piggy-back but ....

... leave off with the smutty Morse-code messages

[SniperPenguin]

Only downside of relocating to Australia...

[SniperPenguin]

Her Spidey Adsense is tingling.....

[SniperPenguin]

You doing a web-search too, eh?

[msknight]

But please! I swear! I got the Dyson for the bigger dust bunnies.

[msknight]

Mon Dieu! When you said, 6TB WDB I thought you meant Six Terra Byte Western Digital Black, not Slick, Tickling Bite, Well Down my Back!

[Palf]

That new 3D tattoo had seemed like a good idea.

[Cardinal]

Nice face - Shame about the 2 legs.

[Anonymous Coward]

Well doctor,

said the spider, it started as a small growth on my underbelly, now look at it!!!!

[Eddy Ito]

A giant bug! Where? I'm famished.

[i steal your leccy]

Can you give me a lift to the Oval?, i love crickets.

[David McCarthy]

Girl caught trying to eat helpless spider

[Cardinal]

Blimey, that's a big 'un, where did you get it?

Found her in the bath.

[David McCarthy]

Of all the webs, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine

[Eddy Ito]

Hello sweetheart, the name's Sunshine and I'm here to make you happy.

[Ralph B]

The moment she realised people could see her hairy parahybana.

[Mad Chaz]

Suzie, why do they say web programmers are weird?

[cumbrian.blues]

Wow!! The new Spider Solitaire game using Hololens is a bit too realistic!!

[Security_Elvis]

Caption

Panic,as new monstrous bug discovered

[AlCro]

So much for paying attention to my robots.txt file.

[AlCro]

Disallow: /

[e_darren]

I definitely should have shaven these legs!

[AlCro]

Definitely malwear.

[woRem]

Dark web users are looking over their shoulders following latest security concerns.

[nanda]

there, we think so alike !

[WillJP]

What has eight legs and makes your scream?

The Labour Party leadership candidates.

[lonterra]

Maureen now regretted taking the advice that she should 'back up onto the web"....

[Jame_s]

oh it's only a spider! - for a horrible minute i thought an MP was sneaking up on me.

[S.H.]

Warning. Some items available on the Dark Web may be harmful to your health.

[Stepheng74]

It's not that kind of interweb!

[Oblivion62]

Early adopters said that the sticky antennae on the new wearable octo-band phone were too itchy.

[OldTech]

Mmmmm - an 8 bit bite.

[Bored bored bored]

Don't Panic

What do you mean - Mostly Harmless?

[Turnipking007]

Having an octal system running on a binary one is scary.

[Beerio]

Tracy quickly regretted the previous night's choice of tattoo

[Jim Preis]

When you see it: Tarantulas drawn to women with four eyebrows.

[Nixyp]

BOFH's practical demonstration of how websites are indexed didn't go down well with the Work Experience Girl.

[monty75]

Fetch the RAID. There's an insect on my back up.

[CC24]

Welcome to my web! Creepy new Google Homeview(TM) cameras revealed

[Valeriant]

Web Crawler 101

When you know where to look, you can tell you've been visited.

[KnightGarion]

(spider) "Have you seen my wife, she came through here a minute ago"

[KnightGarion]

(spider) "Can I get a lift to Comic-Con ?"

[nanda]

There, we still think alike !

[KnightGarion]

Google's next indexing service.

[joepublic]

"Ugh! What is this disgusting creature! So much hair! And why is it making that horrible screaming noise!?"

[MAF]

Buggy Beta version...

Web 2.0 bug causes overt hysteria

[Turnipking007]

"You look how I feel ..."

[Anonymous Coward]

Penny was somewhat disappointed when she read the new Spotify terms over her shoulder. Even with her beloved pet there to comfort her.

Yes that'll do. Anonymous because well, you've read it.

[stephenjjohnson]

If only she had included a robots.txt file, she wouldn't have to put up with being spidered like this.

[ChrisJones74]

So apparently the 'space mutation pandemic' of 2015 had a down side.

[Jame_s]

that moment you realise those weren't shiitake....

[Tempest8008]

Pic editing is cheating, but...

I couldn't help myself.

http://s22.postimg.org/q1wjpdhxt/tarantula_and_10.jpg

Caption would be "The horror! The horror! Oh, look! A spider!"

[i steal your leccy]

The word you're looking for madam is."ARRRRRGGG!!!!"

[i steal your leccy]

You'll be quids in with me madam, i'm a 'Money Spider'!

[i steal your leccy]

Shhh, don't cry Amanda, you were too good for him anyway.

[Omgwtfbbqtime]

Suddenly the warnings about shoulder-surfing had meaning.

[i steal your leccy]

Y'know, you look nothing like the picture on your profile page.

[Stuart Halliday]

But you said you wanted a pink furry pet

[i steal your leccy]

Excuse me madam, but you haven't seen a smug looking Gorilla with a mobile phone around here, have you?

[Anonymous Coward]

Moss (ITCrowd): I see you're trying a facial expression in the shape of 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, in an attempt to get the landed spider to float off.

[i steal your leccy]

TARANTULAS!!

It's true i tell ya!

[Little Mouse]

Holy crap El-Reg

Good luck picking a winner from this lot.... ;^)

[i steal your leccy]

What a morning i've had! First of all i was climbing up the water spout, then out of the blue it started pouring down with rain, then......

[ChrisJones74]

Susan could never get the hang of Tuesdays.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

with mounting horror

it began to dawn on fashion student Celeste that her chosen accessory was not quite the right shade of grey.

[Katy_B]

Gimme a break! Who do you think put the bloody web together anyway?

[Atticfire]

Microsoft's feedback said 'ClipIt' was too distracting and should be more web aware for Windows 10

[Katy_B]

Sheesh, alright! So I used someone else's photo on Tinder . . .

[Katy_B]

I'm sorry babe but I've met someone else!

[ChubbyBehemoth]

"I'm the 1% and still can't get laid, because those bastards don't want to share me with you!"

[i steal your leccy]

"Sorry darling, sorry, i just had to step outside for a moment and i forgot to warm my feet, when i came back in".

[i steal your leccy]

You're right darling! that is the best Janet-Street-Porter impression ever.

[Sigmund Fraud]

Baby,

whatta rack, no phobia

[i steal your leccy]

What do you mean? I'm not on the web all the time! Honestly you drive me up the wall, you do.

[i steal your leccy]

There's no point in crying about it now, Amanda. I've seen through your web of lies...goodbye.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Pauline McLynn to open new dating hints website for women

Press treated to sneak preview of her patented "over-the-shoulder comether" technique.

[Anonymous Coward]

She still prefers the classic arthropod to an iPhone 6

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

After a series of frustrating encounters on dating websites (how could he forget his disappointment with the lady and her "chocolate lab"?), Roger decides to filter out all leggy brunettes as a preventive measure.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Australian Tourist Board to launch Dropbear Awareness campaign

Warns visitors to remain alert to true menace even while being marauded by other deadly species.

[Michael]

ARM released new bug capture system to shocked dev community

[swschrad]

OMG, robots.txt was deleted!

and there y'go

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

<em>That's</em> a spider

Actor Paul Hogan arrested at web conference. Guest speaker turns terrorist as audience member recounts memorable 80's catchphrase "one too many times"

Omnishambles "could have been prevented", admit organisers.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

No one would have believed ...

in the first years of the 21st century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligence-

AGGHGHHH A SPIDER!

[NBCanuck]

Go ahead and share all of your life's details on the internet, but there will always be the fear that something on the web will come back to bite you!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

"so just to clarify"

I can get this amazing 6Tb WD Black drive for free and all I have to do is put this spider on my shoulder? What's the catch?

[JimP]

Cherie was apprehensive about what might happen if she kissed Tony the spider...

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Obvious Outcome with Ornery Octopod

Antsy Arthropod Attacks Advertising Actress

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

(the last two to be read as a diptych, natch)

[Anonymous Coward]

Using Find my Arthropod, led to a grim discovery.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

"It's just ..." Janet began, then trailed off.

She knew what she had to do and yet Howard was just so sensitive. It was obvious that she would have to be delicate with him---there was no way of knowing how he would respond to the brush-off.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

"so you want me to pose for a stock photo?"

"and you want me to bare my shoulder?"

"and have a spider crawling on me?"

"and have me look really scared?"

"What kind of sicko would pay money for a photo like that!?"

[OgreMHDW]

I'm terrified, this spider has a better "back up" plan than I do!

[eldergeek]

That is NOT a feature!

[xyz123]

I should have taken Oracles advice when they said they didn't want their customers looking for bugs...

[aracdin]

Aracnophobe? Me

Oh god spider, we've been photographed by Stuart Berman

[jackdaw]

“Heeere’s Johnny!”

[i steal your leccy]

Amanda! what do you mean, you've stepped on my mother?

[i steal your leccy]

There, there sweetheart, don't cry. I know you wanted a Western Digital but they've sold out. Why don't i get you a nice Seagate instead?

[i steal your leccy]

Do me a big favour, if you're going to sneeze, kindly turn your head the other way.

[i steal your leccy]

Allow me to introduce myself, i'm The Millennium Bug!

[i steal your leccy]

Yes i know i'm small and hairy.....just think of me as an eight-legged Ron Jeremy!

[Barely registers]

More afraid of IT than IT is of you

[i steal your leccy]

Brad, Brad, Brad!, If Brad is so brilliant then how come he can't pull a silk thread out of his arse?

[i steal your leccy]

"Face Your Fear"

FAIL

[AdamG57]

Film reference 1

Doctor! No!

[AdamG57]

250 Lame EffortsBefore Me. Or How Not to Get Upvotes

"You can't be serious - Upvote has been added to the dictionary?!"

[AdamG57]

Do I deserve 6 Terrorbytes?

8 byte computers deserve a nibble....

[Nixinkome]

"So where do you want the Nest installed?"

[Nixinkome]

"Open wide...say Ah"

[Nixinkome]

"You call that gurning?"

[Nixinkome]

"It's OK, I'm an 'armless lady too!"

[Nixinkome]

"I ask all my lovers to stay for breakfast."

[i steal your leccy]

Film Reference 2

'Goldfinger', apparently "a spiders touch" isn't all its cracked up to be.

[Nixinkome]

"This limb seems sturdily attached"

[Nixinkome]

"Jumpin' Jack Flash: At your service"

[Nixinkome]

Overkill

[AdamG57]

@StuBerman

"Your profile said you were a Libra, not a scorpion..."

"I'm not a scorpion, I'm a Hairy Mygalomorph."

"But Stu said I was his gal, and more..."

[Nixinkome]

"The mice told me about you"

[Nixinkome]

"Yes, it's a melanoma"

[Captain DaFt]

No! More to the left,little buddy, move left, and hurry! That back itch is driving me crazy!

[i steal your leccy]

I'm really sorry sweetheart. When you said you were inviting your parents over for dinner, i completely got hold of the wrong end of the stick <BURP>

[Anonymous Coward]

What has 8 legs and makes women scream.

Gang rape

(yea...I am gonna stay AC for this one)

[Malik01]

There!!! Have your Spiderwoman too, Mr. "gender-gap-research" attorney.

...the **** I put up with.

[Malik01]

Jenny was not scared however. She had watched way too many Bruce Lee movies to be scared now.

[JimTrees]

Spider Virus on a Woman!!!

What the hell? I got a Spider Virus on me, why did I buy McAfee. If it cann't protect me from malware or virus running on me.

[Malik01]

"Spider beings are not meant to survive at the cruising altitude of an aero fly"

EVERST. In cinemas now!!!

[Malik01]

So it is true what they said about giants.

What! What do you mean you want to stand on my shoulders now??

[John Brown (no body)]

But...but...but...you're supposed to eat me afterwards!

[john devoy]

"I should have stuck with my original butterfly tattoo idea"

[Viper1j]

Remember when you threw that shoe at me, and I fell behind the bed?

I remembered too.

[Viper1j]

Or...

Hey baby, I was a web developer BEFORE the internet.

[Your alien overlord - fear me]

These Two Ronnies repeats are realistic ("It's big, it's black and it's hairy" reference for you youngsters)

[lek]

Jenny was starting to think that having eight eyes was giving Brian a distinct advantage in their starring contest...

[DBarber]

From The Colonies

OMG, only 2 more weeks before my iPhone 6 is obsolete – oh look, a spider.

[DBarber]

Contest, Caption

This is not the Spider Woman that you're looking for.

[DBarber]

Bug Me Not

How not to file a Bug Report.

[rsole]

ARM has legs :)

[amalanok]

NEVER piss off a tattoo artist

[Anonymous Coward]

The first 3D tattoo printer fails UAT.

[msknight]

Yes, I know, the iPhone's a fright, but they're the only ones making phones small enough for me to use.

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh no! I have the NSA on my back!!!

[Cardinal]

I've TOLD you - The biting stops when you get it right, RIGHT!

Now,...From the top........

"Eight legs good!

Two legs bad!".......

[amalanok]

Jerry Springer 2052

But daddy I love him!!!

[spdaniels]

Aversion therapy

[aversion therapist] ' Quick madam! eat another spoon of Ben & Jerries and we'll drop the red ants in your hair now '

[Taggman]

What do you mean "Species of eight! Species of eight!"

[Termy]

"When I said can I play spider, I meant Solitaire..."

[kyoukoku]

"Attempts to trawl the web trying to find out whether or not her spouse has been using Ashley Madison, bought up a few unexpected but still shocking results for Charlotte."

[Shokeros]

Onkar Shoker

Hi, my names Sarah and I have arachnophobia. #WorstTattooEver

[Cardinal]

Excuse me Miss, I'm from the Ashley Madison 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' department..

[MalPearce]

"Mr Big spied her shoulder surfing..." NO! CORTANA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Anonymous Coward]

Life is short. Have an affair.

[Viper1j]

Itsy bitsy my ass..

Let's see YOU get through the waterspout!

[Anonymous Coward]

" Spider-Pig,

Spider-Pig,

Does whatever

A Spider-Pig does.

Can he swi"..... "NNOOOOOO. DON'T KISS ME"...

"Look what you've done to me. "

[Frank N. Stein]

Your web of lies has finally caught up with you. :-)

[ingie]

"Welcome to the Windows In Spider Program"

[i steal your leccy]

No madam, you've read it wrong...

..the first prize wasn't a Ferrari Spider'! The first prize was a 'Farty Spider' <PARP> sorry bout that, he's a bit nervous.

[Cardinal]

'Scuse me, could you just raise up a little? I have to get under that toilet seat.

[Cardinal]

Here's looking at you kid!

[rxraine]

But daddy, I said I wanted a BLUE tarantula!

[Jabuzan]

Excuse me...

Did you say... TERROR BITE!?!

[Bluemetal]

NSA unleashes its new army of Spyders all over the Web!

[Cosmo]

Ashley Madison continues its web of deceit

[Cosmo]

Spider: "I was just looking for a shoulder to cry on"

[goldfish]

What do you mean, you wanted a parrot ????

[goldfish]

I've got you now, Little Miss Muffet !!!!

[MacNews]

The Winning caption is...

Relax, BOFH here. Just doing indexing for the nightly backup.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

looking over your shoulder

--- It's not just for paranoid freaks!

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Deadly Spiders 2

"Hair Happerent"

[msknight]

Baby, I think this dating app sucks!

[msknight]

Amanda loaded Spider on her eight core wearable shoulder pad.

[msknight]

Sarah regretted pestering the BOFH for the latest eight core mobile.

[i steal your leccy]

Her first "Bushtucker Trial" was a complete disaster!

[Anonymous Coward]

It's OK, it doesn't Byte

He only eats data

[i steal your leccy]

EXCLUSIVE!

"Shopper gets more than she bargained for, in her bag of 'Fair Trade' Bananas!

[Cardinal]

'Morning madam. I'm from the Ashley Madison 'Web of Lies' helpline.

(Our motto:- You spin 'em. We fix 'em)

You reported some pants on fire?

[tarunagup]

She is Tarantula, I am Java, she is based on me.

[tarunagup]

Eight bits make up a byte. Eight legs can cause a bite.

[tarunagup]

The girl with a spider tattoo. Mind you, it's horrographic.

[chronicler]

Internet History

The first spider meets the first lady.

http://tinyurl.com/qahztcy

[Filboid Studge]

Just another five minutes and your arachnophobia should be cured...

[Filboid Studge]

Omg!!

Best...

Tat...

Ever!!!

No...wait...I wanted the unicorn...sad face

[vinnyjw]

Apple release new anti-theft iPhone 6S....

[Shokeros]

Contest caption

Appnophobia trials.

[Short changed]

Spider

Google search returns only Google services as nobody wants a visit from their spiders, no EU anti trust case required.

[Cardinal]

(trying to improve my original on this)

Excuse me Miss, I'm from the Ashley Madison 'Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave' helpdesk.

(Our motto:- Have spider. Will (un)ravel)

You reported an entanglement?

[Little Mouse]

Join TriOptimum, they said.

Sign on to the Von Braun, they said.

See the stars, they said.

[i steal your leccy]

The Golden Compass REDUX

Amanda: "So let me get this right. Nicole Kidman gets a Golden Monkey, Daniel Craig gets a Snow Leopard and i get a 'Big-Ass spider?

Spider: I'm not appy aboot this either y'know....i mean, have you seen your overbite lately, y'ugly bitch?

[i steal your leccy]

"Pssst", said the spider.

"I have now" replied the woman.

[i steal your leccy]

BOO!

[Anonymous Coward]

101 uses for a 6TB Western Digital Black Hard Drive.

#73: For twatting a big spider on your shoulder.

[Hyde]

Picture this

I think I just filled up my hard drive.

[i steal your leccy]

Itsy! I've got some terrible news!

Bitsy has just been killed by a Flymo 320!

[Duffy Moon]

Help! I can't swim!!

[msknight]

Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastard!

[i steal your leccy]

He loves me, he loves me not.

He loves me, he loves me not.

He loves me, he loves me not.

He loves me, he loves me not.

Oh....that's a shame, you haven't got another leg have you?

[AdamG57]

Now I'm worried...

"Roxane you don't need to put on the Red Light...."

[Kepler]

Microsoft finally takes pop-up "Web advertising" too far

"All right, I'll upgrade to Windows 10! Just PLEASE get that thing off of me!"

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

I am a normal human

Typing with my human hands.

7oo me7a? I could probably scour b3ta or fark...

[Jim Herd]

Jesus Christ, who deleted my robots.txt?

[sopcannon]

latest apple gadget i-scream spider. Obviously not an android OS ..

[tempemeaty]

This blood bank sucks.

[Pete 48]

Lifes Short, Have an AffHAIRY SPIDER!

[Danny 4]

Spiders Everywhere

"You know everything's connected to the web now?" said the spider.

"But I don't want Windows 10!" cried the woman.

[Phillip Allen]

Hello Moto

[Shayde]

Unprofessional

Spider: "I don't get it, this was supposed to be a quick bank holiday photo shoot.

This is totally embarrassing, I even brought the Missus."

[howsmiff]

Competition

My My, Miss Muffet. How you've grown!

[Anonymous Coward]

At Harry the Spider's Coming out Party, he surprises guests by wearing his Cadbury's Gorilla suit.

(Ref: Classic Cadbury's Ads)

http://youtu.be/HjzOmf82QVo

http://youtu.be/NHtEyDrD4oA

[dr john]

Somehow the cover shot for the fourth book of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series didn't quite go as well as Felicity had expected...

[Anonymous Coward]

Or Simply...

Get off me, you big Gorilla!

[Anonymous Coward]

iPhone Plus's new macro feature shows the contents of the Gorilla's hand up close.

[V 3]

the sequel

Little Miss Muffet 2 : Marriage Proposal....

[MaldwynP]

It's OK love, I'm a base jumper.

[DaProf]

Excuse me...can you tell me how to get on the World Wide Web?

[Triggerd]

Aren't you supposed to be climbing the spout!

[JackDaives]

Spider: What are you trying to do, catch flies?

[Pivnic]

Itsy bitsy my a$$!

[MaldwynP]

Long drop

It's OK love, I'm just a Base jumper.

[rodneys_tr]

8 terrorbyte drives are coming!

[4MM]

Ethel's request for a "legit" tattoo turns into a "leg it" tattoo.

[IapetusOuabain]

Online dating gone wrong

He asked me out for a bite, but I wasn't expecting any formication.

[What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger]

.... you are really spoiling us!

One bite ..... is to die for !

(Ferrero Rocher Chocolate Spiders)

[What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger]

Send 3 and fourpence .......

A 'Shocking' furry something; off the shoulder ..... you said!

[Anonymous Coward]

Shocked model looks on, as the eensy weensy little black spider dress requires last minute seam adjustment by the Designer.

[Anonymous Coward]

Its always some creep, never Benedict Cumberbatch that Photobombs me.

[nigkettle]

Barney! Help! Somebody's installed Windows 10 on my laptop!

[texaspete]

After explaining the default privacy settings in Windows 10 to Miss Muffet, Spider got the reaction he wanted.

[Carl Pearson]

Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!

[BlankPlank]

...and that's when I spider, cowering in fear.

[Securitymoose]

OMG it's a terror-bite

(or 6)

[tarunagup]

Relax, I am a Spi. Some call me Spidy. I have come from Siberia. And to make you feel better, my nickname is not cyberspy.

[CaptainBanjax]

Caption

I dont know why im screaming, this could have been the Viz up the arse corner.

[i steal your leccy]

They ran out of Black Magic, so....

"See the face you love light up with 'Terry's Tarantula!"

[i steal your leccy]

"Showbiz Exclusive!"

Simon Cowell, pops backstage, to calm the nerves of one of the contestants on 'Britain's Got Talent'!

[i steal your leccy]

" Hi there!" "I'm from California"....

..."what's your sign?"

[i steal your leccy]

Don't keep pulling that face...

if the wind changes you'll stay like that.

[i steal your leccy]

What has eight legs, but can't run?

Chelsea's back four!

[i steal your leccy]

What Disney film am i sweetheart?

"The Love Bug", yeah baby, that's right, we Californians have got all the moves!

[i steal your leccy]

Yeah it is very sad, because when my dad died..

my mum became a Widow.

[i steal your leccy]

Me?.. I'm a PA.

Yeah, i always try to put a positive spin on things.

[i steal your leccy]

Stop crying. You know that i only have eyes for you...

all 54 of them.

[John H Woods]

"Stop calling me SOME PIG"

[i steal your leccy]

Reg Exclusive

Hairy little chaps smart alec clap trap puts blind date in a flap!

[lek]

"... and that was her reaction when she saw me, how was I to know she meant a different kind of web crawler? Still, once she saw what I could do when it came to multitouch, well, there was plenty of pinching and err...sliding, if you know what I mean! *wink w-wink, w-w-wink wink wink* Come the end of the night I was definitely her 'Dreamweaver'; if the webs' a rockin' don't come knockin' ..."

[lek]

"I'd had to leave the relative comfort of the underside of the toilet seat, just to get away from the smell. She just grimaced, shuddered a little and then I heard another ripper, louder than the first. Beans man. Some people can't handle their beans."

[Evoflash]

Self-Defence

"..if I could...just..turn....my head...a little more....I could bite..back.."

[Evoflash]

Failed at final hurdle.

Sadly, her final test for Iraqi citizenship failed the "Iraq:no phobia" requirement.

[AlgernonFlowers4]

IANAL

Hey I am not a hedgehog and I am happy to share the hedge, just as long you remember IANAL either!

[hamsterXjam]

A bit of politics?

Ahhhhh.... Oh thank goodness, it's only a giant hairy spider. For a minute I thought Jeremy Corbyn was standing behind me.

[hamsterXjam]

Nest's new prototype autonomous insect hunter/killer for the home meets with mixed reactions.

[hamsterXjam]

Tarantulas and Their Wily Ways

Right, so I had to break down the door to get in because of the barricade of furniture you'd built on the other side, whereupon I find you with your trousers down, member in hand, and you now tell me you weren't indulging in an act of self-abuse, but were in fact defending yourself from a giant hairy spider that had run up your trouser leg. Likely story.

Hang on, what's that on my shoulder?

(With apologies to a famous stand-up comedian. You know - a proper funny guy...)

[eternal]

Urban myth No. 548

OMG. If we mate I will have to eat him !!

[thefox]

Web developer gets the cold shoulder

[What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger]

Trust me, I know what I am doing !!!

Works Every Time ...... Hiccups Gone, See !

[What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger]

Itsy Little S turns 'Diva'.

Young model finds backbiting is getting seriously venomous !

[Grifter]

LIARS! They told me Web 1.0 was extinct!

[Grifter]

I only asked for IT Support...

... I didn't know they'd send a creeper!

[Grifter]

I just crawled...

to say...

I love you

[Grifter]

SOMEONE PLEASE

DEBUG IT

[Grifter]

I told IT to leg it

They eight-legged it

[AlgernonFlowers4]

The Clash at Demonhead

I am Spider Pilgrim and I have come to battle with your evil ex's

[neurochrome]

In VR, everyone can hear you scream.

[flipflopper]

Stacey had asked for 6TB but all she got was 1 Killer Bite...

[lek]

Signs you've played too much Minecraft no. #8:

"Arrghhh! I thought they only attacked during the nighttime!?"

[decgeek]

Search engine optimization

I told you I could get google's spiders to index your site.

[hatti]

Spider Date

It's not that I find you unattractive, but it's only been two weeks since Geoff moved out.

[MrWhipster1]

Hold the headlines

Spider in bolder holder shoulder strap snap crisis

[DrSolveIt]

Is your Bug Bounty big enough?

[sopcannon]

Siri find me Jane