back to article Texas senator Ted Cruz serves up sizzling 'machine gun bacon'

Texas Republican senator and US presidential wannabe Ted Cruz has clarified his position on both the Second Amendment and vegetarianism by cooking up some "machine-gun bacon". Youtube Video Readers will note that Cruz's weapon of choice is not actually a machine gun, but rather a semi-automatic AR-15 assault rifle. Co- …

  1. Frank Bough

    Jesus

    What a fucking tool.

    1. Lars Silver badge

      Re: Jesus

      What a fucking twat.

    2. Rabbit80

      Re: Jesus

      The gun or the senator?

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: Jesus

        Yeah I work with a lot of Americans and they all seem quite sane and nice, and yet the media perception you get is muppets like this and Trump running for president and being taken seriously, can you imagine either of those two being in charge of a country.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Jesus

          >can you imagine either of those two being in charge of a country.

          The more worrying part is that both of them are just the distraction for Bush junior - the "serious" candidate

        2. Fungus Bob Silver badge

          Re: can you imagine either of those two being in charge of a country

          Sure can, look at Putin. At least these guys keep their shirts on.

        3. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Jesus

          can you imagine either of those two being in charge of a country.

          Quite honestly, I've looked at both parties and who's running. I think we as a country are doomed no matter who wins. Just that some will make it worse, faster than others.

        4. Tcat

          Re: Jesus

          Come on guys, us Americans like a free circus freak show as much as our cousins across the pond.

          We can't do Speakers Square because we're too much real estate. So we put it on the boob tube.

          I'm in the Pacific NW, and it's wet a lot, like London. So we do some circus acts indoors, much like The House of Commons does?

        5. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Jesus

          "muppets like this and Trump running for president"

          ...and now Kanye West has joined the party.

          Hey, MTV, surely this is an opportunity for the next "celebrity deathmatch" ..? Donald Trump vs Kanye West sounds like comedy gold.

      2. Tcat

        Re: The gun or the senator?

        Clearly, you have never tested an AR-15 or M-16. Certainly one of the best light weapons ever made (although more $ than that spray and pray AK).

        As it generally acknowledged as fact, I think that removes one of two choices.

  2. NanoMeter

    The republican clown car.

    The republican clown car is full they say. I understand the use of the "clown car" description now, after following the republican candidates in the media for a while.

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: The republican clown car.

      "The republican clown car is full"

      Agreed. Though at least he's unintentionally managed to give us a fantastic demonstration of pork barrel politics in action.

      Ahem. Sorry, yes yes I'm going...

    2. Ugotta B. Kiddingme Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: The republican clown car.

      That, good sir/madam, is highly insulting to perfectly respectable (albeit somewhat creepy) clowns the world over. [/indignation]

    3. Ian Michael Gumby

      Re: The republican clown car.

      Well....

      1) Not all Republicans are clowns.

      Carly held her own in the debate and Kasich ?sp? seems to be doing ok, avoiding confrontation and has a solid track record.

      2) If Republicans are clowns, what do you have from the Dems?

      Their front runner is about to get charged with several felonies over her email server fiasco, where the Chinese government, and the Russian Government know more about what is going on than our own because they had access to her emails.... Not to mention the question about her time as SoS and her hubby's actions.

      Then you have the really liberal left in Bernie and Princess two feathers, neither of which have enough foreign policy experience to help correct the damage Obama has done.

      The trouble with a two party system is that you now have two parties that are jokes.

      1. Gene Cash Silver badge

        Re: The republican clown car.

        > 1) Not all Republicans are clowns.

        > Carly held her own in the debate

        What? I can't believe you can say that with a straight face. Have you seen HP recently?

        1. Ian Michael Gumby

          Re: The republican clown car.

          "> 1) Not all Republicans are clowns.

          > Carly held her own in the debate

          What? I can't believe you can say that with a straight face. Have you seen HP recently?"

          What? Did you watch the Presidential debate?

          Seriously, do you actually read what was posted?

          As to HP... they've been screwed for a long time and Carly isn't to blame. That's like blaming Rometty for IBM when the problem had been festering for years.

          1. Trevor_Pott Gold badge

            Re: The republican clown car.

            The same Carly who demanded that Apple, Google et al simply give up all user data without a fight?

            So many flavours of fuck you if you support her. Fuck you in flavours.

      2. Charles Manning

        Is Hilary electable?

        Nobody outside the complete Dem fanboi squad takes Hillary seriously.

        She can never fully recover from the Bosnian sniper fire episode of 7 years ago. Add that to the serial lying around the email servers and any time she says anything halfway sensible her opposition have a whole lot of one-liner dirt to fling at her.

        1. codejunky Silver badge

          Re: Is Hilary electable?

          @ Charles Manning

          "Nobody outside the complete Dem fanboi squad takes Hillary seriously."

          I do feel sorry for the Dems. They have the standing president who is not very good. They had a hard time finding anyone who wanted to stand apart from Hillary (I still dont know if she jumped or was pushed) and as the early rising star now seems to be burning her way back to earth as Dems scramble to find someone willing to replace her if it gets too bad. They do seem to have a lot of challenges.

          Compared to the Republicans who have a bunch of willing people offering a varying choice of opinions and political positions from the moderate to the extreme.

      3. Scott 1

        Re: The republican clown car.

        I'm not giving the prospect of her getting charged a high probability. That would require the Attorney General being willing to file charges, and it's currently a Democrat-led organization. I seriously doubt they are going to do that to their "heir apparent."

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The republican clown car.

          The idea that she's going to get charged with multiple felonies is a conservative fantasy, nothing more. The investigation so far isn't even focused on her, but on the security of her email server. She isn't accused of sending classified emails out, only with receiving them. That's not great on a private server with questionable security, but the recent revelations about Chinese hacking into official US email of high government officials (not to mention the hack of 22 million employees/contractors a few months ago) doesn't exactly promote the idea that an "official" government server's security is all that good.

          If she was smart enough to hire someone competent to handle hers, it was almost certainly more secure than the one she would have been using otherwise. Not that this is an excuse for what was clearly a way to avoid leaving a paper trail, but the republicans are focusing on the wrong thing here hoping this investigation will lead to charges against her.

          The reason she looks more attackable than the republican clown car is that she has decades of record in office or as a first lady for her to be attacked on. The republican front runners have either zero experience (like Trump, Fiorina and Carson) or very little experience (like Walker, Cruz, etc.) Funny how the knock against Obama was his lack of experience, now it is a good thing for the republicans...

  3. msknight

    Mmmm... Mmmmmm... Mmmmmmmm... I can just taste the gun oil now....

    Now that's some crispy bacon!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Old tyme un-PC ness

      Wasn't gun oil actually *whale* oil once upon a time? Methinks he missed a trick there...

  4. hatti

    I'd buy one

    If it could fire full English breakfast rounds.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: I'd buy one

      What calibre is a black pudding?

      1. hatti

        Re: I'd buy one

        About 50 but you have to remove the silencer before serving

        1. msknight

          Re: I'd buy one

          "About 50 but you have to remove the silencer before serving"

          Shouldn't that be, you have to fit a silencer after eating?

      2. The Dim View
        Pint

        Re: I'd buy one

        30mm to 40mm depending an your sausage stuffer.

      3. Charles Manning

        Black pudding

        There's a Goon Show sketch on that. Also almost a whole show on the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.

      4. Tom 7 Silver badge

        Re: I'd buy one

        Whatever calibre the police use?

  5. The Dim View

    Barely Edible?!?!?!

    My nitrosamine laden streaky bacon is quantum leaps more palatable than Canadian born Ted Cruz and his wank-bag ideas.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Barely Edible?!?!?!

      I find it hard to disagree, I must admit.

    2. ZootCadillac

      Re: Barely Edible?!?!?!

      American bacon is a grave insult to the mighty pig.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Terrible way to treat a barrel.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      And a terrible way to treat any kind of bacon... streaky or proper. I'm surprised he didn't go after the veggie types by using tofu.

  7. Jimboom

    Just what America needs to calm things down in the Middle East

    A president who shoots bacon wrapped guns.

    I am sure he will be a big hit with the Muslim voters

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Just what America needs to calm things down in the Middle East

      And this is the guy who would be negotiating the war between Israel and Iran

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Just what America needs to calm things down in the Middle East

      Wrapping the barrel isn't the problem, really.

      As I understand it from some sons of some friends who were there, they made it known that their bullets were dipped in pork grease. It made them targets from individuals, and other individuals left them alone. However... I'm of the opinion that it was just a bluff given the nature of the M-16 and some people have told me they couldn't get bacon or ham over there because it would "upset the locals".

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Just what America needs to calm things down in the Middle East

      Why, in the words of your General Sir Charles James Napier, he's just acting according to national customs. A glorious multiculturalist and proponent of diversity, I think he said, "Let us all act according to national customs." Now, you shut up your rag-box an' 'ark to my lay, ye jolly tars!

  8. Stephen Leslie

    IMHO, shrewd

    He's playing to the people in the States who think the Democrats want to confiscate their guns (and there are Dems who do). It's a stunt, sure, but not that of a clown's, rather of a man and team who know how to garner support during the Republican party's runoff.

    1. Naughtyhorse

      Re: IMHO, BATSHIT

      The people he's 'playing' to in the states are the kind of people who think that ” We cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage vaccines won’t cause our children to marry goats who are going to come for our guns."

      And are, increasingly an electoral irrelevance. if not now, then when trump eventually spits out his dummy and runs independent. Thank Dawikins/FSM

      Is it just me or does everyone hear the theme to 'The Munsters' every time they see the canadian\cuban oaf?

    2. codejunky Silver badge

      Re: IMHO, shrewd

      @ Stephen Leslie

      Well said. With Obama so desperate to take away guns it isnt surprising that these guys can win votes by daft stunts like this. Personally I feel sorry for whoever has to clean that gun off and remove the grease from that bacon.

      I am pleasantly surprised not to read the anti gun nuts going wild over this (yet) but this is definitely aimed towards gaining support from the nutty end of the gun owners.

      1. Little Mouse

        Re: IMHO, shrewd

        @ codejunky

        "feel sorry for whoever has to clean that gun off" If it was me, I'd pop it in the dishwasher. That'd learn 'im.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: IMHO, shrewd

          So Jade Helm is a commie Canadian plot to take our bacon ?

          1. codejunky Silver badge

            Re: IMHO, shrewd

            @ Yet Another Anonymous coward

            Jade Helm is a clear demonstration of how unpopular the president is. Disliking a president is one thing but to trust him this little and consider him to be such a threat to a state cannot just be ignored. I dont think Obama is trying anything with these exercises but he has a serious image problem. Add to that how toxic he is to the Democratic campaign that the Dems have been trying to distance themselves from him as best they can just to win people over. And then he tells the media he is unhappy with how little 'progress' he has made on his pet subject guns.

      2. Charles Manning

        Obama is probably being lobbied by the gun industry

        Every time Obama opens his mouth on guns, there's a spike of sales in the legal gun trade. The gun industry has grown 50% under Obama. He's the world's best gun salesman.

        Of course the illegal gun trade - which accounts for over 90% of the homicides - is unaffected, since they don't worry about pesky things like laws.

        As for the bacon, it isn't the grease that's a problem. Some gun lubes (eg. Frog lube) are food grade. I'd be more worried about all the fouling from powder and primers contaminating the bacon.

  9. Efros

    Unfortunately

    There are people who would vote for this twonk on this basis. Hopefully not enough of them to make any impact.

    1. Valeyard

      Re: Unfortunately

      and those people are armed. scary!

  10. James O'Shea

    He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

    Deport his ass back to Calgary. And make him take the Biebs with him. Hell, let him use the Biebs for target practice, if that's what it takes to get him back to the land of his birth.

    If we can't get him back to Calgary (preferably in time for the next Stampede, http://www.calgarystampede.com/ so that he can finally take up his true calling, rodeo clown) send him to Churchill and have him pet some of the nice white bears.

    On the other hand, I can see why Calgary was so happy to see the back of him, and sending him back might mean war with Canada. I can live with that. Hey! Canadians! Y'all shouldn't have unleashed him on the US! That's not the act of a good neighbor! If you don't take him back we'll send you some Mexicans, Donny Trump says they're all very bad people, you don't want them up there in the Great White North!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

      What is it with you Americans? You're so indecisive.

      Speaking as a Brit, the answer is no! You said you wanted Piers Morgan, now you've got him, and we have a no refunds policy.

      I'm not a Canadian, but I can't imagine they're any more eager to repatriate Bieber either.

      1. Ian Michael Gumby

        Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

        We never said we wanted Piers. He just showed up one day. Something about an Aussie owning some news media companies... Its all part of an evil plot.

        But to your point, now you can see how we do have this immigration problem.

        And its a worse tragedy than all those Northern African illegals trying to storm Britain through Calais.

    2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
      Stop

      Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

      How does he get around the "natural born American" qualification for prez, in that case? Or is it OK because he was born in America Junior, and not, to pick a country entirely at random, Kenya?

      1. Ian Michael Gumby

        Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

        Here's the official answer...

        His father was born in Cuba, but became a US citizen. His mother was born in Delaware and was a US citizen. Family in Canada while father was working in the Oil industry.

        So like Obama, one parent was US citizen and thus he would qualify.

        Unlike Obama... he's never tried to hid his childhood...

        Truthfully, I would hope that he was ineligible, however, that would mean that a person who's parents were US citizens and father in the military or foreign service would be ineligible if they were born while family was out of the country.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

          The meaning of "natural born" has never been determined by the supreme court because they have never needed to - and it doesn't look like the question is going to come up any time soon

        2. Naughtyhorse

          Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

          man you need to search that dial for something other than faux m8

          he no more hid his childhood than Hillary is going to cop shit for doing exactly what every secretary of state after the invention of email and pror to the change in regulations _after she left office_

          Benghazi!

          <gotcha>

        3. James O'Shea

          Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

          "So like Obama, one parent was US citizen and thus he would qualify.

          Unlike Obama... he's never tried to hid his childhood..."

          Errr... Obama was born in Hawaii, and was born there after Hawaii became a state. He didn't 'hide his childhood'. He didn't need to, having been BORN IN THE UNITED STATES. Hellfire, I knew that he'd been born in Hawaii back when he was still a Senator from Illinois... Cruz was not only born in Calgary, he still had Canadian citizenship until 2014. McCain, who I voted for back in 2008 (despite Palin...) was born in the Panama Canal Zone. Goldwater, who I'd have voted for if I'd had a vote at that time (I was both rather young and not yet an American citizen) was born in Arizona before it became a state, and there's some yammering about whether or not that counts. The main diff between Obama and Cruz is that one of 'em is black and the other one's Canadian and should be deported back to Canada and used for bear bait.

          1. DugEBug

            Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

            Great to see that the 'birthers' are bipartisan.

      2. Naughtyhorse

        Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

        Turns out, the whole 'where you were born' thing only only applies if you got some black in you...

        pure bred aryan stock... not so much.

        I shit you not

    3. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

      So the Repubs and others had a field day with Obama being African yet no one's questioned Cruz about being Canadian? Not that I'm fond of Obama but equally disgusted by Cruz. Correction, make that all the candidates. Not a great candidate in the lot... just some variation of muppet (with apologies to Jim Henson for besmirching muppets).

    4. Midnight

      Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

      The Americans knew what they were getting into when they traded Elizabeth May for Ted Cruz and a first round draft pick.

      And if they wanted to return Beiber then they would forfeit the entire damage deposit. There is plenty of evidence that he was not "like that when we bought him", thank you very much.

      1. Nunyabiznes Silver badge

        Re: He's Canadian. Born in Calgary

        "And if they wanted to return Beiber then they would forfeit the entire damage deposit. There is plenty of evidence that he was not "like that when we bought him", thank you very much."

        Sometimes it is worth writing the check and walking away. It's not like our checks are good anymore anyway.

  11. nsld

    Going to be a vote winner

    Clever move, show support for the NRA lobby in Texas where everyone is tooled up with a vast array of military hardware and at the same time take a dig at those pesky bacon dodgers waging war against the rest of the civilized world in various sandpits in the Middle East.

    I guess Mr Cruz's PR team don't think the Jewish lobby is that important in US politics.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It plays well with voters

    Too bad they don't pay attention to what he does.

    http://www.computerworld.com/article/2900126/ted-cruz-the-presidential-candidate-who-wants-to-increase-the-h-1b-cap-by-500.html

  13. ZootCadillac

    This gentleman has beclowned himself.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Headmaster

      "Gentleman"??? He's a CongressCritter. Check the definition of gentleman and you'll see CongressCritters don't fit that title.

    2. hplasm Silver badge
      Happy

      ITYM...

      This genital has beclowned himself.

  14. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Machine gun brawn seems to be a lot more popular in the US.

    And rarely in shooting galleries.

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