back to article Hole in (Number) Two: MYSTERY golf-course pooper strikes again

A spectre is haunting Stavanger Golf Club, a spectre which has been defecating into specific holes on the course. Groundskeeper Kenneth Tennfjord has complained that the Norwegian location he tends is being terrorised by someone "who, for unknown reasons, hates the game of golf. Alternatively, the person may have a fetish or …

  1. Winkypop Silver badge
    Happy

    May I poop through?

    • Male
    • Athletic
    • Bicycle rider
    • Possibly an electrician
    • Possibly an insomniac
    • Hates golf

    Maybe ask a stool pigeon?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Whatever the case, he's determined

      Climbed a tree to disable the lights? I guess he probably tried to visit one night, was surprised by the lights when they came on, and then stopped by the next day during daylight hours to check out the surroundings and come up with a plan to evade it.

      They'll need to catch him in the act, so to speak, to stop him I'll bet. I hope El Reg follows up on this, I'd hate to be left dangling!

  2. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Coat

    Sounds like an inside job to me...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Not any more...

      1. Richard Boyce

        They need to catch him brown-handied.

  3. MrDamage
    Pint

    Buy that man a beer!

    "Unfortunately, with cat-burglar like skills, the man "climbed up a tree next to the lights and wriggled far out on a branch and dismantled the spotlights."

    "How he managed the feat without electrocuting himself or falling is a riddle," said Frode Jormeland, another groundskeeper at the club."

    Anyone who is capable of climbing up a tree and disabling spotlights whilst something is tearing at the fabric of reality (or the fabric of your underpants), deserves a beer for their efforts.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    My guess

    It' a bear, sick of being asked.

    The bike tracks are just misdirection, "Bear n' Brown" I'll call him.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: My guess

      Yes it must be a bear. have seen a bear in the circus that can ride a bicycle.

      1. VinceH

        Re: My guess

        It's the Pope doing the pooping.

  5. jake Silver badge

    "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

    A private property in Norway needs to apply to put up surveillance cameras? Really? Strike Norway off my list of places to move if The Donald is elected Commander in Chief ...

    1. hplasm
      Paris Hilton

      Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

      You say that like it is a bad thing, Jake.

      1. jake Silver badge

        @ hplasm(was:Re:"an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied.")

        "You say that like it is a bad thing, Jake[0]."

        Do you REALLY want the .gov of your choice to tell you that you are not allowed to keep an eye on your own personal property? Have you thought that through?

        [0]SIC

        1. Dan 55 Silver badge

          Re: @ hplasm(was:an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied.")

          It's not really personal property though, it's business open to the public which requires the public to visit.

    2. mythicalduck

      Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

      > A private property in Norway needs to apply to put up surveillance cameras? Really? Strike Norway off my list of places to move if The Donald is elected Commander in Chief ...

      I was surprised that they'd have to apply to monitor their own grounds; but at the same time, it certainly isn't something that would strike it off my list

    3. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

      Norway is a lovely place full of fine beer & chocolate, and magnificent scenery (of many types), and is also amongst the happiest places on the planet. Very high standard of living, mostly courtesy of the govmt's rather good approach to managing the extraction of their oil and the revenues obtained thereby.

      My only complaint would be the price of booze and the limited availability of shops to buy it in. But that may well be a good thing, overall...

      1. ravenviz

        Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

        Most Norwegians I know buy their booze at Heathrow!

        1. JetSetJim Silver badge

          Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

          > Most Norwegians I know buy their booze at Heathrow!

          Hmm not sure if they're still being ripped off at times, but agree with the sentiment.

          Every time I visit I load up on my allowance for giftage to relatives. Plus add some hermetically sealed bacon & sausages, and some decent cheddar (gammelost is not quite the same thing!), and some Twiglets (!) and that keeps most of my relatives happy

      2. Lyndon Hills 1

        Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

        Norway is a lovely place full of fine beer & chocolate, and magnificent scenery....

        Apparently deficient in public lavatories, however.

      3. lidgaca
        Pint

        Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

        There's lots of words I'd use to describe the output of Christianssands Bryggeri (*) , 'Bloody Expensive" would be top of the list, and the superlatives would stop at 'Adequate for task' ...

        Can't argue about the scenery tho' :)

        -- Chris

        * Back in the day, the only beer you could get in Stavanger.

      4. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

        Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

        Norway is a lovely place full of fine beer [...] and magnificent scenery (of many types)

        Can confirm.

        & chocolate

        The only Norwegian chocolate I've been able to get my hands on is Freia. I wouldn't call that stuff fine!

        1. JetSetJim Silver badge
          Flame

          Re: "an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

          I'm a Freia addict, although getting worried now that they've been taken over by Kraft.

          Still, there's always aquavit

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thank you for the informative article

    Thank you very much for this highly interesting and informative article. I read today morning several articles. I can hardly remember the content of any, but this will stick.

    It is great to know that there is a place on earth, where not everybody can put up surveillance cameras as they like

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He has a couple of favorite holes

    I saw what you did there, but it's evidently just one.

  8. dan1980

    ". . . an application to put up surveillance cameras has been denied."

    You need to get approval to put up surveillance cameras on your own property? Norway, I think I am in love with you.

    And what's not to love? Gorgeous landscape, strong democracy, great healthcare, high standard of living, general lack of religiosity, athletic electricians - it's got it all. Okay, sure, it's expensive but then I live in Sydney so it's all relative.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Coat

      " it's got it all."

      I was thinking of moving there...to be a lumberjack, swinging from tree to tree, where the blue parrots sing...

  9. frank ly

    If I was inclined to do this

    I'd work my way through all the holes on the course then break into the clubhouse for a drink.

    1. Winkypop Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: If I was inclined to do this

      I wonder what the course record is.

      Especially the back 9.

  10. psychonaut

    possible new superhero

    "The Turtle"

    1. Jedit

      Re: possible new superhero

      He's a diamond in the rough, and something entirely different on the green.

    2. psychonaut

      Re: possible new superhero

      dont forget his sidekick,

      Teastrainer boy

      1. psychonaut

        Re: possible new superhero

        if the criminal turns out to be Clergy, we could have

        "The Turtle and Teastrainer Boy in the case of the shitter Vicar : Touching Cloth"

  11. LaeMing
    Go

    Must be a man because the poos are so big?

    I CHALLENGE!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

      That was politically incorrect in so many levels!

    2. jake Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

      I don't know who you are, nor where you are ... but I had a funny feeling you'd make a comment here. All I can say is:

      ::standing O::

      And have a drink of your choice on me. I'm going to be giggling for hours :-)

    3. Dan Paul

      Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

      Art imitates life then, sounds like a Southpark Episode. Anyone seen Bono?

    4. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

      I can only assume that Groundskeeper Kenneth Tennfjord is an expert in such matters.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

        Well, this is Norway, right? Kenneth might easily be a hunter, and whilst hunting in the great boreal forests to the North, may have observed many mighty denizens of that land "doing their business" (particularly after getting shot). So he's just extrapolating to humans his experience regarding bear and the like.

      2. Brian Morrison

        Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

        Or isn't, because in many cases the opposite is true, if you consider the physiology of women it's easy to understand why.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Must be a man because the poos are so big?

      Must be a politician, they're the only humans around that are that full of crap.

  12. Shady

    He has a couple of favorite holes

    Number two, obviously...

    1. julianh72
      Coat

      Re: He has a couple of favorite holes

      ... and the Turd Hole ...

  13. auburnman

    If only Donald Trumps course in Aberdeen wasn't so far out of town, "the turtle" could have ended up with a copycat. Back on topic, no-one keeps up a vendetta this long without a personal connection; my money is on one of the groundskeepers. Either that or it has become a traditional dare/rite of passage at a local school to go for a midnight 'hole in one'.

  14. Dan 10

    I have to 'go' before I go out on my bike, because cycling makes the turtle put in an appearance. Add to that the strain of climbing trees to dismantle spotlights, I reckon this guy must leave the house a good few hours before a well-timed deposit.

    1. Muscleguy Silver badge

      Me Too

      I'm a runner and I can assure you that the necessity to 'clear the decks' prior to setting out is even more urgent. My usual routes are also seriously deficient in convenient copses, the use of. Too much agrarian agriculture adjacent to the cycle paths. My personal temple is well trained by practice to evacuate twice a day to accommodate early evening runs in the week and first thing in the morning runs at the weekend. A decent diet is however required to achieve this, but then a decent diet is also required to support moderately intensive athletic exertions.

      1. Vic

        Re: Me Too

        My personal temple is well trained by practice to evacuate twice a day

        Way, way too much information...

        Vic.

  15. thomas k

    ... discovered gleaming turds

    He takes the time to polish them? This is no fly by night amateur.

    1. PNGuinn
      Trollface

      Re: ... discovered gleaming turds

      hmmm ... Where have I heard that term applied before?

      1. earl grey
        Trollface

        Re: ... discovered gleaming turds

        windows 10?

    2. julianh72

      Re: ... discovered gleaming turds

      http://www.guffsturdpolish.com/

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Isn't it good

    Norwegian hood, errrr, wood, errrr, log.

  17. Grikath

    "who, for unknown reasons, hates the game of golf. "

    It's golf.... for starters.

  18. Eddy Ito
    Meh

    It wouldn't take much to install sensors on the holes to detect something the size of an adult(?) human add a prox sensor and loudspeaker down in the hole and set it to automatically play some recorded message like "Oi! Move on, this one's occupied!" Alternately it might be fun to have it trigger the release of some lightly compressed air or activate the spray irrigation system. There's lots one could do for a laugh without going Carl Spackler on the place.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Devil

      Oh, I don't know about "no going Carl Spackler". A small, pressure-sensitive detonation of a small amount of one's explosive of choice might be very entertaining.. Especially for the follks at the local urgent care/emergency room... Drop the turd and it comes flying back at you while scorching various exposed body parts.

  19. PNGuinn
    Facepalm

    Norweigan Blue ...

    "Luvverly ploomage..."

    "Its DEAD I tell you!"

    "No it aint - its just restin' after a preticulerly strenuous poop.)

  20. PNGuinn
    Go

    ...If microsoft made golf courses...

    "Has it crashed again?"

    "No, it's just doing a particularly large download."

    "So we'll be in the poo later then."

    "Yup."

  21. Michael Sanders

    We know it's not a man because the poos are too big? Well this guy ain't married...

  22. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. G Watty What?

    The Phantom Shitter Strikes Again

    This just brought back one of my funniest memories from school. We'd all go into assembly, listen to the usual propaganda and on the way out, in the hall back to the classrooms, would be freshly cooked arse-burger, tastefully presented, for all to admire.

    This happened a number of times over a number of months and the 'Phantom Shitter' became legend, never seen, never caught, always funny, a hero of his day!

    Sir, I salute you, two decades have past and still you're sticking it to the man. Bravo.

    I am not sure what you've got against these golfers but you always be a hero to me.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fill out an application for a survellience camera?

    WTF weird laws do they have there that a private business can't put up a security camera on its own property?

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Very large rabbits....

    see title

  26. Ugotta B. Kiddingme
    Happy

    Phantom of Feculence

    my new favorite phrase. Must find a way to get into work conversation this week. Thanks, Reg!

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