Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.
Posted 1/4/15
It's the FALKLANDS SYNDROME! Fukushima MELTDOWN to cause '10,000 Chernobyls' in South Atlantic
Molten nuclear powerplant cores from Fukushima – having burned their way down through the planetary crust and plunged into the Earth's centre – are set to emerge again on the other side of the planet and devastate the Falkland Islands, scientists believe. Sensationally, the Register can reveal full details of the impending …
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 06:13 GMT Bubba Von Braun
Happy April Fools Day
ROTFLMAO.. Very funny guys... Now all you needed to do is to weave LOHAN in as the only method to give the cores something to aim at when they emerge in the Falklands :-)
Or Lester is this the real reason behind the FAA not approving the LOHAN flight? I can hear black helicopters over my hou....<static>
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 06:24 GMT Vladimir Plouzhnikov
Time to act!
The only solution is to transport a spare RBMK core from Russia to the Falklands, set it off there and let it sink into the crust. If timed right, it will hit the Fukushima ones head on and cancel the oscillations.
Unfortunately, as Luis Sancho warned on many occasions, such energetic collisions may lead to creation of runaway mini black holes, which will doom us all.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 15:12 GMT Anonymous Coward
@Alister
Yes, the plan is to lay turf on the carrier's flight decks, then bring aboard evacuee Falklands sheep so they can sail back to England in a stress-free free-range environment. And if there is a "black sheep" on the way home, you can fix them to the catapults and launch them overboard!
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 18:12 GMT Anonymous Coward
Bungee cord. Would work for sheep and cold-launched missiles. Would need further testing for F-35s and buses.
Then again.. We have had 'oil exploration' licences issued for the Falklands which are a cover for Operation Anti-Core. This involves directional drilling under the islands to create a web-like structure filled with bungee cords which would either dampen the oscillating core or bounce it back.
Other options were considered, such as using shaped charges to achieve similar effects. But that involves some risk of blowback. This was explored further in the Orion annexe. Shield the underside of the islands, wait for maximum potential energy conditions and detonate. This had the advantage of potentially relocating the islands away from sovereignty disputes, and dealing with the minefields on the islands. The Environmental Impact Assessment did note the severe impact on the penguin population, and anywhere it landed.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 07:03 GMT Anonymous Coward
Oh My
After reading this horrific news, I rang Otto Lidenbrock to see if he had any old maps that could be of use for a mission to capture these oscillating cores before they destroy the earth. After a bit of what sounded like finding an ear trumpet and putting in teeth, he shouted that he did indeed have maps of unknown tunnels in the earth, however, Alex was in possession of them and he is unfortunately in rehab for heroin addiction. He could not remember if Hans was still alive, but was confident that if Hans was alive he may know where the rehab is that Alex is in and that I should sent a letter to Hans post haste because the mail carriage is cutting back to once a month due to budgetary pressures and an aging horse. The line then mysteriously went limp and I turned the crank in feverous and passionate desperation to no avail. I suspect a conspiracy is unfolding here where there anywhere everywhere Bondsonian proportions of hillbillean reaction will be required. With the interior of the earth being shaken or stirred this may be the only logical response.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 08:01 GMT Anonymous Coward
endless loop (hole) ?
Is it expected that the reactor core will then fall back into the earth's core and resurface somewhere else (again to all the effects mentioned in the article) and keep on doing this until the earth is one big hole?...the end is nigh! / welcome to the new wiffle ball earth
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 08:03 GMT DropBear
How could you not mention...
...that according to the well-known superboffin Dr. Ock, there is still hope - if a hole could be punched into the sea floor at the predicted exit point of the cores, all the seawater flooding in might neutralize the Leydenfrost effect and allow friction to kick back in just long enough to confine the cores with one final plunge to the centre of the Earth. A specially trained squad of elite sharks carrying drilling lasers has already been dispatched to the site...
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This post has been deleted by its author
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 09:56 GMT returnmyjedi
Re: Excellent work!
Microsoft released a fear inducing trip down memory lane in the form of an MS-DOS "emulator" for Windows Phone. Had at least one minute of fun cd dot dotting before I realised that they hadn't thrown in any dos games. You can launch some apps from it which is pointless but somehow satisfying in a caveman sort of way.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 08:34 GMT Peter Gathercole
Best to read it all!
I read the headline and the first paragraph or so and thought that it was a bit superficial, because if the cores descended through the crust, then gravity would hold it at or near the centre of the Earth.
I then read on, and realised that this is all covered, at least to a non-scientist's view. It's all preposterous really, but detailed enough to appear serious, and very well done.
Congratulations on making an obvious April Fool's article worth reading.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 09:23 GMT Primus Secundus Tertius
Had a good lunch?
It seems that Team Register had an energetic lunch the other day. The hot curry was descending from the entrance aperture to the exit, but was countered by violent body movements and got into some kind of oscillation. No amount of beer could cool it down, but the beer made them start thinking.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 10:49 GMT wolfetone
Reg, shame on you!
The Reg has only told half the story.
The Fukishima core is about to burn through the crust. But what they won't tell you is that the Earth is actually hollow. So it will free fall in to the Falklands, smashing it out of the crust and in to the air.
Gravity will then take over, pulling the Falklands in to the core, merging the core so the Falklands then becomes the nuclear core, and be thrown back through the crust and smash in to Japan. Again, the force of the impact will merge Japan with the Falklands.
While all this happens, the UK will not be able to mobilize their Navy or the Army to prevent this from happening, as really it's a theft of the Falklands. But no one before, or will, be able to stop a country the size of the Falklands from slipping in and out of the Earths crust and across the other side of the world.
But this isn't an accident. This has been planned all along by..... Argentina.
Argentina are a majority sleeping shareholder of TEPCO, the people who run Fukushima. It's true, David Icke has the information on his website.
I'm ashamed of you Reg, only telling half a story.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 11:21 GMT Andy The Hat
I'm disgusted!
All the comments here and none, not even one, expresses significant concern for poor Colin!
I'm very upset, I must be as I had to wipe the tears from my eyes as I read about poor, lost, lonely Colin. I can see his poor, sad face now. Tired and starving, he pees up a broken lamppost then gnaws on the last scrawny penguin remnant on the island. The only consolation is the penguin is strangely fresh due to a touch of gamma irradiation ...
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 12:28 GMT Anonymous Coward
'Even in the context of Japanese cronyism, it’s astounding that nobody at Tepco has gone to jail'
I know its April-1, but its hard to laugh at the incompetence of Tepco... On a personal note, Fukushima cost me and some of my closest friends our livelihood... Here is a sobering report....
http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/opinion/analysis/Four-years-out-Fukushima-reactors-still-spewing-295947481.html
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 13:14 GMT codejunky
@AC
That sounds like the worst type of biased and bull reporting I have read in a while. Why would TEPCO be punished for building the perfectly fine reactors which were taken out by 2 large natural disasters (actual disasters) which killed many people but the radiation killed a big fat zero (and expected to be about that in total).
The raging thoughts of nationalising them and throwing them in jail for something which didnt cause the harm is amusing but rubbish. However they are to have done something to stop the unexpected (in scale) 2 natural disasters to save power stations when nobody did anything about them as far as protecting people? Sounds like hindsight and a bunch of know nothing anti nuke nutters.
The population cant be expected to react intelligently to nuclear power stations when they have been fed only the information of nuclear bombs. In fact you can guarantee people will act in the worst way for not knowing any better.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 14:50 GMT Anonymous Coward
Why would TEPCO be punished for building the perfectly fine reactors
Financially its certainly a big disaster. The reactors shouldn't have gone into meltdown and wouldn't have if flood defences were built high enough. Tepco acknowledged this. Even the official parliamentary report said this was a preventable accident. Now Japan is left with a huge bill. This is less to do with the intricacies of Nuclear Power and more to do with cutting corners and safety.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 16:10 GMT codejunky
Re: Why would TEPCO be punished for building the perfectly fine reactors
@AC
"Financially its certainly a big disaster. The reactors shouldn't have gone into meltdown and wouldn't have if flood defences were built high enough"
That is the point. If the defences were built high enough then the many people wouldnt have died from the natural disasters. That is not the responsibility of the energy company. So if nobody thought the risk to the thousands of civilians was that big then why would an energy company expect the risk to be worse? And the key fact being that nobody died from the radiation but many died from the natural disaster. Hind sight is great but experience is always late to the party. The radiation killed nobody. The natural disasters killed many. If someone was cutting corners (defences wise) it was not the energy company
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 14:01 GMT zanshin
Kudos
When I saw the headline I was quite sure this was an April Fool's prank, but I must say that the first first page of the article had me wondering for a bit. I have to give credit to the author for the part about the missing cores in particular - the telling of that part feels quite plausible. Up until you get to the bits about Krakatoa + Chernobyl x1000 (the details of which are happily consigned to page two), I think this could fool a lot of people. I agree that we might see this republished in seriousness, especially if they don't read the whole thing.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 15:08 GMT Anonymous Coward
Some thoughts on this calamity
A) There's actually no way that even a scorchingly hot melted core is going to get to the Falklands. Thanks to our buddy gravity, the core would melt its way towards the core of the Earth and then find that the long climb back to the surface at the Falklands is a little exhausting.
B) If it did though--mutant sheep!! (In Soviet Falklands, mutton eats you!)
C) Evacuate the Falklanders and the remaining herbivorous sheep, then tell the Argentinians you have a present for them.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 18:06 GMT Fink-Nottle
According to unnamed sources, the MOD is working on large shield that can be lowered into the earth by means of five finger-like projections. The hope is that this huge device, nicknamed 'Diego', will be able to deflect the ball of radioactive material towards the mainland, thereby saving the Falklands. Despite Argentinian protests of foul play, a referee appointed by the UN has given the project his approval.
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 21:29 GMT Anonymous Coward
Good April fools
Your links however highlighted something of interest...
Records of the past DPBAC Meetings
Amended Minutes of a Meeting held on Thursday 6 November 2014
3. Finally, the Secretariat advised on only one book during the period: Lord Ashcroft's 'Special Ops Heroes' which was to be launched later this month.
add to that
Lord Ashcroft resigns from House of Lords to focus on polling and publishing 31/03/15
Coincidence?
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Wednesday 1st April 2015 21:35 GMT Anonymous Coward
Gets better, that DPBAC website is a treasure trove of information
8. The Intelligence Agencies. Some 68 of the occurrences and requests for DA Notice advice during the period had involved the Intelligence Agencies. The possible naming by the media of intelligence agency officers continued to be a concern. However, most of the occurrences and requests for advice were related to further publications by The Guardian of extracts from the Snowden documents. The Secretary reported that the engagement of the DPBAC Secretariat with The Guardian had continued to strengthen during the last six months, with regular dialogues between the Secretary and Deputy Secretaries and Guardian journalists. Also, because of an agreement between The Guardian and allied publications overseas to coordinate their respective disclosures of Snowden material, advice given to The Guardian had been passed on to The New York Times and others, helping to guide the disclosures of those outlets. The process had culminated by the appointment of Paul Johnson (Deputy Editor Guardian News and Media) as a DPBAC member.
I take it the Guardian are happy to bend over to get one on the team?
Biting the hand that feeds IT
