back to article Yay! Wearables! It's the future! Uh-oh! I'm going to be sick

What do you do when your brain is missing? Let’s say you put it down somewhere the night before but you can’t remember where and now you can’t find it. Or perhaps you were harmlessly manning the comms link when the bugs tunnelled under your off-world fort, jumped up and sucked your brains out. I have the answer: get yourself a …

  1. MrT

    Not even a cool cycle...?

    My new IoT washing machine has one of those. It can download any number of custom cycles depending on the bar code, material, colour, etc., but whenever my stuff goes in on that option it just says "No" and offers to order pricey replacements for anything labelled 'Tu', 'Matalan', or that are from shops that no longer exist, or have washed to 'old sock grey'...

    1. Chris G

      Re: Not even a cool cycle...?

      For these people being first to market (or in the first 1000) is more important than having a functional product.

      They will worry about a good washability if it gets enough interest.

    2. Disko
      Coat

      Re: Not even a cool cycle...?

      Speaking of socks, wouldn't it be great if same IoT washer would track that other sock to the one legged NSA-agent who hopped off with it through the backdoor?

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    I would imagine...

    That the bed monitor would tell you that you're pregnant with twins, epileptic, and a gymnast.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Tron, Dick or Florian"

    Joy! I do hope Mr Dabbs high-fived his-sweaty-flabby-XXL-self when he coined that one

    1. Kubla Cant

      Re: "Tron, Dick or Florian"

      I especially liked "the chafing of your nuts". The metre made me think of Macbeth:

      First Witch By the chafing of my nuts / Something wicked this way struts.

  4. Mage Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Classic

    So you in good form this weekend Dabsey.

    Pay rise?

    Weekend holiday?

  5. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Trollface

    Enquiring minds...

    So, nothing more to say on the (ahem) insertables?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Enquiring minds...

      So, nothing more to say on the (ahem) insertables?

      He probably found it hard to take it all in :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Enquiring minds...

        Didn't he peg that one in a previous article?

  6. Dr_N

    Vinegar and Cat’s Piss

    Reason enough to avoid the gym.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Vinegar and Cat’s Piss

      Enough to avoid the gym I go to, anyway.

  7. Mystic Megabyte
    Boffin

    Regarding lack of brains*

    Biofeedback, if you've never tried it, is worth a shot. Many years ago I built an alpha meter and experimented with it for a while. You put two electrodes on your head and an "earth" clip on your ear lobe. The amplifier only outputs sound when your brain is generating alpha waves. So to start with you hear nothing. After relaxing you may start hearing something. Immediately you start to think "I can hear it!", your brain will go into a different mode and the sounds stop. You train yourself to prolong and intensify the periods of the alpha state. After this training it becomes possible to recognize and enter the alpha state without the use of an alpha meter. YMMV

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biofeedback

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electroencephalography#Wave_patterns

    *Remember this? No you won't, your brain has been sucked out

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079714/?ref_=nv_sr_1

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: Regarding lack of brains*

      It's called neurofeedback, and it can do some pretty nifty things, like assisting people with ADHD.

      Mind you (pardon the pun), I would stick to the read-only stuff. Apparently they're now experimenting with injecting signals, but I'm personally not too keen on that idea, and not just because I keep getting flashbacks to an old movie with a scene where a guy is yelling "he's aliiiiive" :).

  8. stucs201

    I've already got all of the monitoring of my body I need.

    It's completely unobtrusive and will last my entire life. It's called my central nervous system & brain. I get all sorts of feedback from whether I got a good nights sleep to how hard I'm having to work to do physical tasks to whether the ambient temperature is good etc. True it doesn't give me numbers to post to facebook for bragging purposes, but it does automatically translate feedback to a form I intuitively understand.

    True, sometimes when it detects a serious problem I'm going to need to go and get expert active from a Dr about the details, but that is to be expected.

    1. BobRocket

      Re: I've already got all of the monitoring of my body I need.

      Yeah but that's that old fashioned analogue stuff, what these guys are pedalling is Digital and everyone knows that Digits are the way forward, even the BBC.

    2. Chris G

      Re: I've already got all of the monitoring of my body I need.

      company called Valencell http://www.meddeviceonline.com/doc/earbuds-for-medical-monitoring-unconventional-design-yields-unique-benefits-0001 may be the way forward with there earbud bio-monitoring stuff.

      Apparently Apple is looking at earbud monitoring as part of their wearables line so you can exercise, get monitored and listen to Mp3 at the same time.

      In theory it is possible to measure pulse, blood pressure, blood oxygenation and temperature from the one earbud, or split the functions into a pair of buds.

      So you can pay for the iTunes and I can see realtime iCloud monitoring and analysis (for a price) coming to a watch connected to earbuds near you.

      1. launcap Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: I've already got all of the monitoring of my body I need.

        > In theory it is possible to measure pulse, blood pressure, blood

        >oxygenation and temperature from the one earbud, or split the functions into a

        >pair of buds.

        If only it could check blood glucose too.. I'd actually pay good money for a blood glucose monitoring system that didn't involve sticking needles in various body parts on a regular basis :-(

  9. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    I don't even wear a watch

    so why would worry about a problem like "the chafing of my nuts." When something interesting comes along to monitor something interesting, I may be interested.

    If there was a continuous way to monitor my blood alcohol level and warn me when it gets too low. Now that would be interesting. Counting empty bottles and dividing by the number of hours since bottles were purchased gets old. That's my coat, must be time to head to the liquor store again.

    1. swampdog

      Re: I don't even wear a watch

      "

      If there was a continuous way to monitor my blood alcohol level and warn me when it gets too low. Now that would be interesting.

      "

      It's called a wife. Well, the inverse thereof!

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Trigonoceps occipitalis

        Re: I don't even wear a watch

        e lectronic

        f ractional

        i ntoxication

        w atch

  10. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Appropriately Pratchett-esque

    "The Borgs piss themselves laughing: “Who programmed your voice box? The Smash Martians?”

    Excellent. On odd occasions I read out some of the funny bits to my wife when I think it's something she'll "get" (she's not very techy) but I ended up reading enough of this article out loud that she made me just send her the link. She was gigling like a school girl most of the way through this article.

    Congrats Dabbsy, especially when my wife said it was almost like reading a Pratchett story.

  11. swampdog

    gizmos

    I love your articles!

    The latin verb "giz"..

    eram

    eras

    erat

    eramus

    eratis

    erant

    ..with a soft "g". I amagine SB is gonna ban me now!

  12. Disko
    Pint

    Tinfoil hat icon needed

    That is all. Cheers!

  13. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Duly elected

    What do you do when your brain is missing?

    I thought everyone knew the answer to that - you get elected to parliament...

    1. Mark 85

      Re: Duly elected

      I wish I could do more than one upvote. For my side of the pond, they get elected to Congress.

  14. Waspy

    you might be right Dabbsy apple watch might be succesful

    ...but I'm not sure who on earth the $12k version is aimed at - if you can afford it, who's gonna take you seriously when you could have bought a pateke Phillipe instead? Bonkers.

    Having said that, I did see a friend of a friend claiming that "battery life is ok cause I'll charge everyday at my desk, the vibrate function will be useful for not waking up my wife and kids early in the morning, really looking forward to using that". You mean like a $15 Timex with vibrating alarm and a 5 year battery? Guess apple will be hoping there are people looking for an excuse - any excuse - to buy the cheaper one!

    1. Sureo

      Re: you might be right Dabbsy apple watch might be succesful

      Actually battery life shouldn't be a problem. If you can afford one at 12K you can afford two or three, always one charged up and ready to go.

    2. martinusher Silver badge

      Re: you might be right Dabbsy apple watch might be succesful

      There's quite a healthy market in blinged up iPhones. All Apple is doing with is cutting themselves in on a piece of that action.

  15. Mark 85

    What do you do when your brain is missing?

    Track down the zombie who took it?

    Unless of course, your name is Abbie Normal... then it's in a glass jar.

  16. Irongut

    What do you do when your brain is missing?

    Buy Apple obviously.

    1. Disko
      Trollface

      Re: Buy Apple

      Unfortunately I'm a few billion short, or I would have scooped them up long ago - that's a no-brainer...

  17. thx1138v2

    Recurring income

    You didn't really think those soft/firm ware upgrades were going to be free did you?

    So you've got your $17K watch but you can't afford the weekly updates? What kind of serf are you?

    That's where the self aggrandizement comes in: not only can I afford a Rolex but I don't at all mind spending $1000 a year to have it oiled and prettied. It has an appointment next week for its checkup.

    I can hear it now. Oh, well, um, er, nice to meet you. (Did you see his watch's software version was TWO WEEKS old!?)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I need an internet connected toilet roll holder

    So it can remind me on the phone and PC to get new rolls since the one on the holder is getting empty.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The pic

    One of my colleagues was showing me his smart watch the other day. My first (thinking about it only) question was, 'Can you talk into it like Dick Tracy'. He didn't have a clue what I was on about. Pesky kids making me feel even older......

  20. Martin Budden Silver badge
    Coat

    catwalk model

    a catwalk model stood around looking vaguely embarrassed while dressed in a ridiculous gold ballgown adorned with huge gold butterflies.

    Are you mad? The ballgown & butterflies were black & blue!

  21. Benjol
    Coffee/keyboard

    "an uncollected item on the Outsize Luggage desk"

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      As SEO-friendly expressions go, that one's probably a bit of a failure.

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