back to article W*nkers of the world unite to save the planet one jerk-off at a time

A standout smut peddler wants its customers to take a shot at saving the planet with a kinetic power generator, tastefully dubbed the Wankband, which uses the wrist action favoured by onanists. Youtube Video "At Pornhub, we're always thinking of ways to improve the user experience and world as a whole," said Corey Price, vice …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well, f**k me!

    Oh sorry, looks like it's DIY instead.

  2. Montreal Sean

    I can see it now.

    Middle of a meeting someone stands up.

    "My phone is dying, I just need to pop off to the loo."

  3. Chris Miller

    A month early?

    That is all.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    As Woody Allen said...

    ... masturbation is having sex with somebody you love.

    1. Bloodbeastterror

      Re: As Woody Allen said...

      Excellent - hadn't heard that one. It reminds me of Peter o'Toole's mad aristocrat in The Ruling Class who knew that he was God "because when I pray I find I'm talking to myself"...

  5. Billy Bob Gascan


    So, all of you Englishmen, shouldn'e it be spelled "wankRE", like metre, litre, etc.?

    1. Colin Ritchie

      Re: Spelling

      Metre and litre are SI units from the Metric system, originating in Napoleonic France not Blighty. Sorry m8.

      Wanker is spelt like Banker, Tosser and Cricketer, all British origin words.

      1. Billy Bob Gascan

        Re: Spelling

        No need to be sorry. But also, since the English refuse to pronounce the letter 'r', shouldn't it be "spelt" as "wankuh"?

        So, is the word "chancre" french?

        1. Lamont Cranston

          Re: wankuh?

          "Wankah", would be more appropriate. Watch something like Deep Rising, and see how Jason Flemyng is shouting it.

        2. MrZoolook

          Re: Spelling

          "But also, since the English refuse to pronounce the letter 'r', shouldn't it be "spelt" as "wankuh"?"

          No, that's cockneys, not English. They are like the mad uncle the family try to hide from the rest of civilisation.

    2. frank ly

      Re: Spelling

      'Metre', 'litre', and so on are French words that we've 'borrowed from the neighbours' and are looking after them, in case the French lose them at some time in the future. If you borrow things, you don't make alterations to them.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Spelling

      Thats what's so great about the English language, its like the BORG. If we don't have a word to describe something then we just assimilate one from another culture.....'Resistance is futile'.

    4. Anonymous Coward

      Re: Spelling

      So, all of you Englishmen, shouldn'e it be spelled "wankRE", like metre, litre, etc.?

      Only when the "wanker" in question is French… at which point it's spelt "wankré".

    5. Tannin

      Re: Spelling

      So what is the French term for "wanker"?

      1. joeW

        Re: the French term for "wanker"


        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: the French term for "wanker"

          Le main event?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: the French term for "wanker"

            Cheese eating surrender monkey.

  6. Little Mouse Silver badge

    This would appear to "create energy" in much the same way that wanking in your hotel room without first shelling out for the pay-per-view porno channel "creates money".

  7. McHack


    I have entirely the wrong motion for the long "warm and happy" phase, and would need two for the "hurry over the top" finishing movement. Clearly they did not research enough techniques.

    What's next? Charger crotchless panties with woven-in coils, to be excited by a magnitized condom? Keep going, just 5% more juice to make it through the next day...

  8. Crazy Operations Guy

    When do you break even?

    How long would you need to use this device before you make up for the energy cost of manufacturing it? And then, what about the energy needed to display "inspiration"?

    1. LaeMing

      Re: When do you break even?

      Until all that is left is a shrivelled bloody nubbin, I would guess.

      1. James Hughes 1

        Re: When do you break even?

        Next Sunday then...

  9. Bloodbeastterror

    "Dirty energy"...

    A work of mighty genius set against the sweeping backdrop of...

    Hilarious. I don't often laugh out loud at El Reg articles, but I did this time. :-)

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Don't Take That have the copyright on that.....or was it U2?

  11. VinceH

    Shame Apple didn't think of this - then that quote of Tim Cook's about people in meetings would have been funnier:

    "It's quite funny to be in a meeting at Apple and ten minutes before the hour people get [it] up and start moving around, but people like it."

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Well to be fair they haven't actually released the Apple Watch yet…it's probably "one more thing" this wonder-gadget does.

      1. dan1980

        Both will be worn by wankers. At least the owners of the 'Wankband' will likely have the good sense to only wear it in private.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Need to make sure you're holding it just right...

  12. phil dude
    Paris Hilton


    Finally an El Reg article we can give a hand to...

    Of course, this might make the "power information hacking" story from a few days ago, take on a whole different level of privacy violation....

    Paris, because she has her hand on the throttle....


  13. Captain DaFt

    Not safe for teens?

    How well does this cope with hormonally hyperactive teenagers?

    "Timmy said his phone needed recharging, plugged it into this strap thingy on his wrist and went to his room."

    "Fifteen minutes later there was this horrible explosion that nearly killed him."

    An Apple representative was quoted as saying:

    "We don't know how, but apparently the phone's battery took an enormous power surge that exceeded all failsafes. We can't stress this enough, don't jerk around with third party chargers."

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not safe for teens?

      Darwin award in the making?

  14. Chris G

    MasturPower Renewable Energy!

    Give one to every Member of Parliament, that should make Westminster energy independent!

  15. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    Thank you fellow commentards

    I came here expecting the usual flurry of double entendres and you have done nothing to shake my confidence.

    Now excuse while I clean up this forum. Has anyone got a tissue?

    1. McHack

      Re: Thank you fellow commentards

      Has anyone got a tissue?

      You only need a tissue?

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Re: Thank you fellow commentards

        Well, he's only charging his watch. I will need a beach towel because my Tesla's battery is low.

  16. MrDamage Silver badge


    Do I buy 2 of these devices, or do I just stop changing hands every 100 strokes?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Do the register have shares in pornhub or do they promote their flimsy PR stunts for free.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      free promotion

      from the independent, or guardian too. There's no better advertisement that free (press). Ryanair know best!

  18. Steven Roper

    Does it generate power from torque or frequency?

    Given that the "ball in a tube" mechanism presumably has a fixed mass for the ball, its momentum - and therefore the energy recovered - would be a function of frequency of motion, not torque. So a power wanker who pulls his pudding at a rate of 80 strokes a minute with a force of 80 newtons per stroke, would only generate about half as much electricity for a given ball mass, as a rapid-fire chicken choker at 160 strokes a minute with a force of 40 newtons per stroke, despite consuming the same number of joules in the process.

    It seems to me that a better mechanism for converting oscillatory motion into electricity could be devised, perhaps one that would produce low volts / high amps for the power wanker, and high volts / low amps for the chicken choker, which can then be transformed as required, so as to maximise power conversion efficiency regardless of the stroking style of the power source.

    Given the difficulty of varying the ball's mass, a good solution would be to provide different models with different sized metal balls, which buyers can choose to suit their wanking technique: big, heavy balls and tubes for the power wankers and small, light balls and tubes for the chicken chokers.

    1. Arachnoid

      Re: Does it generate power from torque or frequency?

      The use of differing viscosity fliuds might help

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A better use for this "technology"

    Invent a very small rechargeable battery charger, embed it in this wrist band and give it to some old codger with Parkinson's… his hearing aid batteries will never go flat again.

  20. TRT Silver badge

    Mine's the one...

    with the copper coloured top.

    1. McHack

      Re: Mine's the one...

      Blue pill or red pill?

  21. nevstah

    Sorry, officer!

    No, I don't think you are a w*nker, I just wanted to make a phone call and my battery was low!

  22. Cornholio1983


    Going green and using hippy-pleasing energy saving/generating tech will now be synonymous with the word 'Wanker'. Not for the first time either.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One for Q

    I wonder if this is going to get a bit part in the next Bond outing?

  24. TRT Silver badge

    The regulatory body for this?


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