back to article El Reg chefs whip up Post-Pub Noshographic

Our post-pub nosh neckfiller recipes have proved immensely popular over the last few months, as we've strived to bring our beloved readers the very best antidotes to a rigorous night on the sauce. However, amid the smacking of lips and the rattling of pots and pans, we have noticed a trend for commentards to decry some recipes …

  1. jake Silver badge

    The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

    ... that all y'all seem to think that getting crocked is more important than actually learning to feed yourselves, and keep yourselves healthy.

    WTF? Seriously? Are you all suicidal?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      No, but we are IT.

      > keep yourselves healthy.

      Overrated.

      Also: Pork dose a day keeps the ISIS away.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

        "No, but we are IT.

        > keep yourselves healthy.

        Overrated.

        Also: Pork dose a day keeps the ISIS away."

        ..Also a pork dose a day keeps the porking away:

        http://www.pcrm.org/media/news/new-ad-links-meat-eating-and-impotence

        ED for the win!!

    2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      This series of article is about post-pub neckfiller *. What did you expect? A gallon or two of beer of an evening isn't going to do you any harm.

      * Tacitly, it's actually about bizarre foodstuffs that no normal person will have encountered and is interesting because of it.

    3. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      Slightly mangling a Winston Churchill quote: "I may be drunk, Jake, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be fscking clueless."

    4. BlartVersenwaldIII
      Mushroom

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      Indeed, this sort of sick filth shouldn't be allowed on the site.

      El Reg, how about a counterpoint series for us health-conscious IT workers about how best to hydrate during a post-gym yoga warm-down? I'll be the first to volunteer my quinoa, cod liver oil and sandalwood smoothie and my naughty chickpea and cottage cheese tiramisu.

      1. Little Mouse

        Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

        Heh heh heh - You're terrible Muriel @BlartVersendwaldIII.

        I second the motion - If only to show the world what a calorie-counted low-fat pork-free low-carbon home-grown hand-nurtured spoon-stirred hand-shaped abomination would look and taste like. (I'm guessing green and gloopy swill).

        Then we can get back to the business in hand. In a word - Man-cooking.

      2. Fungus Bob Silver badge
        Thumb Down

        Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

        "quinoa, cod liver oil and sandalwood smoothie and my naughty chickpea and cottage cheese tiramisu"

        No bacon. Won't work without bacon.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      @jake - yes.

    6. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      Jake, either you missed the point or forgot the troll icon.

      This is more about the food for the morning/day AFTER. Nor is it about quantity or quality of the booze/beer. So far, I've tested all but a couple of these and found them tasty and have added them to the recipe box. The ones I didn't test, were regulated to cyberspace. And I'm stone sober when I tried these. My drinking days are more in the past at this point though I do love a good beer or wine.

      Is the food healthy? Seems to be. Nothing that's had all the good things processed out of it and bad things added. The foods are something one doesn't see in a normal week. So what's the problem because I don't see one.

    7. Stuart Castle Silver badge

      Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

      In some companies, getting plastered almost seems to be the rule. Makes it especially fun if you are called in to work again.

      Still, that's probably a good explanation for TFL's Oystercard website.

      Seriously, I work in IT, and while I do try and eat healthily I do like to let off some steam on Fridays and usually end up at some pub someone, and, on occasion, a club afterwards (although I am a little too old to do that regularly).

      That does not mean do not know how to feed myself. Besides, what's the point of being healthy if you have to stop doing the things you enjoy to do it?

      1. Trevor Gale

        Re: The most astonishing thing about this series is ...

        When I worked there were (very rare, of course) times when the occasional TGIF evening pub sessions took place.

        Post-session concerns weren't so much about diet but more about making sure you were fit and prepared suitably for the 'other' kind of pleasures to compensate for the extraordinary amount of excessively hard work you'd just accomplished.

        Dishes, diets, food... that came way later!

        Come on folk - get your priorities right... El Reg could do a much more valuable series on ensuring 'post-work satisfaction'!

  2. Chris Miller

    Define 'drunk'

    You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

    Dean Martin

    1. MrT

      Re: Define 'drunk'

      Ford: "It's rather unpleasantly like being drunk"

      Arthur: "What's so unpleasant about being drunk ?"

      Ford: "Try asking a glass of water"

      Ford and Arthur: "... aaarrrrrgggghhhh ..."

      Arthur: "I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonic again"

    2. DropBear
      Facepalm

      Re: Define 'drunk'

      You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

      The problem is, I know exactly what he was talking about - he wasn't kidding either, and it's not pretty...

    3. Captain DaFt

      Re: Define 'drunk'

      The difference between being drunk and not being drunk the night before can be determined with this little chart:

      Wasn't drunk - "Let me tell you what happened last night!"

      Was drunk - "What the hell happened last night?"

      Was too Drunk - "Where am I officer, and where are my pants?"

  3. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    BESSHHT GRAPH IN THE WORLD!!

    The only downside is that the totally inebriated might not be in a fit state to follow the instructions

    1. BlartVersenwaldIII

      Re: BESSHHT GRAPH IN THE WORLD!!

      False dilemma - someone who is properly inebriated would not and will not follow instructions even if they can read. Thus this noshographic is a textbook example of a recipriversexclusional logic equation.

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: BESSHHT GRAPH IN THE WORLD!!

        I see! it is a descriptive graph rather than prescriptive. And exactly because the near terminally inebriated cannot read it, they will follow it

  4. Scott Broukell
    Pint

    Why not . . .

    Fill that little old electric slow-cooker up with seared and seasoned diced pork/chicken/beef strips etc., add some stock (and/or ale - whatever), to taste, plop in a few diced vegetables (peppers / onions / toms etc.), set the timer accordingly and then pop off dahn the boozer for a few hours, safe and smug in the knowledge that a wholesome hot meal awaits you on your return. Simples.

    1. launcap Silver badge

      Re: Why not . . .

      > Fill that little old electric slow-cooker

      Stchop! Presupposes an element of thought!

      Core-dump. Do not pass go. Do not collect ecologically-sound cooking method!

      1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

        Re: Core-dump

        Man, that stinks!

        What have you been eating?!

  5. Mr. Abelazar Woozle

    Another suggestion

    Although this was defined as a morning-after food by its creator, the late, great Willie Rushton, might I suggest Nepalese scrambled egg as suitable for inclusion in the post-pub nosh selection? He published the recipe in his book "Superpig" with the comment that it "scares the hell out of hangover". Yes, it can be an accompaniment to a good smoked bacon too.

    1. Ralph B

      Re: Another suggestion

      But I think it may be worth noting that Willie Rushton died at 59 from complications following heart surgery.

    2. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Another suggestion

      Just been looking at a couple of recipes - very good and added to the list.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What a bunch of wussies

    I blame this on the dumbing down of drinking skills. Is noone adept at the art of auto-pilot any more? That skill that gets you home no matter how much you've had to drink, even if you can't crawl let alone walk or figure out which way is up. You wake up, sometimes even the next day, with that sense of wonder at how you managed to get into your own bed(*) and try to retrace your steps to no avail. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that beer can induce teleportation, I've proved this many times but unfortunately haven't been able to document it.

    (*)It has to be your own bed, any idiot can fall into a strangers bed. There is room for discretion if it's your neighbours bed and you have always fancied her/him or possibly both of them..

    So to my point. You should be able to knock up any recipe using the same skill no matter how happy you feel.

    1. Little Mouse

      Re: What a bunch of wussies

      Ah yes - The Beer Compass and its sibling the Beer Coat. Truly two of nature's wonders.

      Unfortunately I'm not aware of a culinary equivalent though.

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. PapaD

    Beer Tongue (alco-tastebuds)

    The closest I can think of is the Beer tongue, covered in taste buds that allow you to thoroughly enjoy eating things that you wouldn't look twice at sober

  8. DJV Silver badge
    Joke

    One question...

    That top picture with the name "Lester Haines" underneath...

    How drunk do you have to be before Lester actually looks like that?

    1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      One answer...

      There isn't enough booze in the universe...

      1. John Bailey

        Re: One answer...

        Ahh... I see the problem here.

        You're looking at the one on the left aren't you.

  9. Johndoe888

    Needs an option for - Is there one in the freezer that I prepared earlier, and can I operate the microwave.

    Blue Peter or Scout icon if there was one :)

  10. Mephistro Silver badge
    Happy

    The first step is missing

    "Are you able to understand a simple flowchart in your current state?

    YES: Continue.

    NO: Collapse discreetly upon something soft and warm (excluding wife and dog) . "

    1. jonathanb Silver badge

      Re: The first step is missing

      Do I really want to know what sort of wife you have if it is possible to collapse on her and the dog at the same time.

  11. x 7

    I don't give a monkey's about the food, but where can I get the phone number of the girl in the photo? I really fancy her.

  12. Zot

    Whatever mess you fry up, always remember...

    ...It's better with an egg on top!

    - ALWAYS.

  13. Nick Pettefar

    Problem?

    Can you actually order a Doner Kebab for delivery?

    1. Drewc (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Problem?

      Where I live, yes.

  14. Monkeyman
    Pint

    Unrealistic

    Maybe this says more about me and my alcohol consumption than the author.... but the only recipe that would even remotely fit the bill after a session (or more likely in the closing stages of one) is the Red Dwarf chilli chutney egg sarnie.

    All others are far too complex and dangerous to make while buckled...

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