back to article Want to find LOVE online? Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

A scientist, sickened by repeatedly getting turned down when seeking a date online, roped in a colleague and carried out extensive research through scientific literature so as to develop a set of foolproof methods for finding love on the internet. He now has a girlfriend, with whom he spent last week in Rome. The boffin in …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

    Amazing, but true; a woman I went to meet from an internet dating site was showing VERY little interest in me until two cuties smiled at me; she them clung on to my arm with a death grip for the next hour.

    Still didnt work out though, partly because I found out she was a closet smoker.

    I can guarantee you will gets lots of interest if you sign up to one of the many "Anastasia" websites; even just entering your name (no photo), will be enough to generate 10-15 letters of interest per week -

    Of course on "Anastasia" sites you have to PAY to open the letters sent to you - but they wouldnt be dishonest and pay women to write to you .... would they??

    1. DocJames

      Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

      Unsurprising. It's all about using information - the woman from the internet assumed that the 2 cuties knew something about you.

      This, I postulate, is why it is important when looking for a lifetime partner/one night stand/anything in between to smile at everyone. Some people smile back, this creates a virtuous circle. (As well as making you seem pleasant to be around.)

      1. VinceH
        Facepalm

        Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

        "it is important when looking for a lifetime partner/one night stand/anything in between to smile at everyone. Some people smile back, this creates a virtuous circle."

        The problem is that whenever I see a total stranger smiling at me, my immediate thought is to be suspicious.

        Perhaps this is a factor in why I'm single more often (by far) than not. ;)

        Plus, my name begins with a V.

        A V, damn it! That's the 22nd letter! Grrr! I don't know if I can ever forgive you, mum!

        1. foo_bar_baz

          Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

          @vince: the point is to come up with a username high up in the alphabet. It doesn't have to start with your real name, btw.

    2. DropBear

      Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

      Women suddenly being interested in someone other women are/were interested in is just about the oldest thing in the book. Don't ask me why exactly it happens but it damn sure does.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
        Paris Hilton

        Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

        It's not just other women; a new girlfriend many years ago became much more clingy (and highly amused) when a couple of guys tried to chat me up...

        1. Eddy Ito

          Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

          Moral of the story, your wingman should always1 be female.

          1. Sorry Neil, but until that government grant comes through for the new study I'm going with these findings.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

            Moral of the story, your wingman should always be female.

            Can't agree: she'll look like your girlfriend and everyone else will stay away. Ideally you should be in a group of smiley people of both genders, one of whom is your designated (male) wingman.

      2. Florida1920

        Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

        Women suddenly being interested in someone other women are/were interested in is just about the oldest thing in the book. Don't ask me why exactly it happens but it damn sure does.

        And the higher the perceived status of the woman you're with, the greater the interest. Topping the queen has not gone out of fashion.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

      not just perceived value of men - same holds true for handbags, shoes the list goes on...

  2. Red Sceptic

    I'm amazed that they don't cite the Ted Talk Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating (https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?language=en).

    She did the research three years ago, and presented it very nicely in this talk.

    1. fearnothing

      <cynicism>I wonder if it was because she was a woman?</cynicism>

  3. Stef 4
    Meh

    Judge Caligula

    I can't remember if Aaron A Aardvark survived the massacre, but if he did then surely he's in with a chance?

    1. Graham Marsden
      Coat

      @Stef 4 - Re: Judge Caligula

      Unfortunately Mr Aardvark was the first one chucked into the execution chamber by the Kleggs.

      Now if he'd kept his name as Eric Plunkett he'd have survived a bit longer...

  4. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    Now, what does eppendorf have to do with it

    As someone who has had to use an Eppendorf pipette for real prior to giving in to the dark side of IT, WTF does an Eppendorf pippette system (as used in the as where the pic was lifted from) have to do with dating? Besides some thinly veiled innuendo on the subject of ultra precise liquid delivery and dating... Though once again, that would have made sense if it was related to a classic Eppendorf and not an automated mass delivery system (as in the ad where this picture has been lifted from). As far as innuendo goes that context is frankly somewhere between gross and extremely gross.

    By the way, as far as boffinry goes it is a phenomenal piece of engineering and R&D, but I fail to see the relation between that and _ONLINE_ dating. Offline, that's more like it - most of the Eastern European molecular biology graduates which you can see yielding one in a real lab are towards the "extremely cute" end of the scale vs the boffin overall average :)

    1. phil dude
      Joke

      Re: Now, what does eppendorf have to do with it

      @VLRH Its ok you're safe.

      The El Reg coding monkeys can't read the long litany of complaints from us Commentards that the gigantic, pointless, fatuous images that prepend articles make it look like a comic. I too wonder "Is that the tool used to get a date, use on a date, etc..."

      Perhaps this is all part of the great media conspiracy.

      Replace words with pointless pictures, saves loads on writers and keeps attention focussed away from where it needs to be.

      Between the lines...

      P.

    2. Geoffrey W

      Re: Now, what does eppendorf have to do with it

      Its a picture of a female boffin with a male arm beckoning to her from a piece of paper/thin air, which does kind of illustrate the notion of studying remote dating and the attraction of romantic attention. I dont see an Eppendorf anywhere in that picture, so you're showing off that you just happened to recognise the picture, or you have a fabulous search engine that found the source for you. More GSOH required.

    3. DocJames
      Headmaster

      Re: Now, what does eppendorf have to do with it

      "yielding"

      I think you mean wielding. OTOH, maybe you don't...

  5. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Facepalm

    Forty years of feminism

    And I still hear women discussing potential dates as a "good catch" listing good salary, own house, impressive car etc., as key points.

    1. John H Woods

      Re: Forty years of feminism

      "And I still hear women discussing potential dates as a "good catch" listing good salary, own house, impressive car etc., as key points." --- Zog_but_not_the_first

      Presumably you haven't heard what 'key points' men discuss about female potential dates?

      1. Lapun Mankimasta

        Re: Forty years of feminism

        "Presumably you haven't heard what 'key points' men discuss about female potential dates?"

        Whether or not they've still got stones in them? Or if they're still on the date palms?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Whether or not they've still got stones in them?

          If she still has stones in her, that might not be the best omen.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    variable results

    "Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him"

    Then accuse you of being in love with someone that you haven't seen for years.

    1. phil dude
      Joke

      Re: variable results

      Your AC, but I upvoted you and I'll take one for the team - you are not supposed to show interest in ANYONE else, as that implies you don't love them.

      And snogging them at the Xmas party is certainly off the cards...

      P.

  7. Lapun Mankimasta

    Wrong finger

    wrong finger in the picture - it should be the middle finger.

    If I'd had no sisters, how more romantic I'd be

    But my sisters

    Were such little blisters

    That all women now are sisters to me.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      the other three-finger salute

      two in the pink, one in the stink

  8. VinceH

    " The paper produced by the two men, An evidence-based approach to an ancient pursuit: systematic review on converting online contact into a first date (published in the BMJ) is dedicated:

    The authors would like to thank the potential dates who turned down one of us repeatedly, encouraging us to think about the effectiveness of online dating. "

    Two points:

    First, that dedication sounds very bitter.

    Second, the word I've highlighted leads me to read it as though he was pestering asking the same women again and again.

    1. 's water music

      abstract subtext

      >> ...potential dates who turned down one of us repeatedly...

      Second, the word I've highlighted leads me to read it as though he was pestering asking the same women again and again.

      I guess, either that or perhaps he sees individual women as instances of some sort of hive mind that has it in for him rather than people in their own right. Either way the whole thing sounds a bit like a PUA dressed up in nerd chic

  9. Jedit Silver badge

    "'Fun2bwith' [...] this type of name is universally attractive"

    I must be abnormal, then, because "Fun2bwith" sounds to me like a bubbleheaded slapper with the attention span of a gnat on crack and I wouldn't even bother looking at their profile.

    I wonder what handle the author of this paper goes by online? Could it be "Fun2bwith"?

    1. Ken 16 Silver badge
      Terminator

      "Your plastic pal who's fun2bwith"

      Marvin, according to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

      1. Lapun Mankimasta

        Re: "Your plastic pal who's fun2bwith"

        Careful there! They're now revising the female specification to include composite construction, so the chances are, you may very well end up with a "Plastic pal who's fun2bwith" at your local.

        :( first it's boats and aircraft, then cars, now it's women ... what are they trying to tell us? :)

        1. Jedit Silver badge

          Re: "Your plastic pal who's fun2bwith"

          I wouldn't be surprised if the notional Miss Fun2bwith mentioned in my previous post was already partially comprised of plastic. However, some people don't require surgery to become artificial.

    2. J.G.Harston Silver badge

      Re: "'Fun2bwith' [...] this type of name is universally attractive"

      "I must be abnormal, then, because "Fun2bwith" sounds to me like a bubbleheaded slapper with the attention span of a gnat on crack and I wouldn't even bother looking at their profile."

      Obligatory Weird Al reference

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

    > Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

    "My name's AAAAAAAaron and I'm a taxi driver"

  11. Truth4u

    online dating is just a way to make guys feel worthless. dating in general actually.

    if you're not in the top 10% or the bottom 10% (some women seem to like tragically inept guys) don't even bother.

    just get a hobby making bombs or something.

    1. phil dude
      Thumb Up

      funny...

      I laughed hard at your comment!

      But I see where you are coming from and it is a two-way street.

      A look on POF etc.. say, is incredibly consistent in the local area where I am currently resident.

      My local friends joke about dating priorities as Guns,NASCAR,Football and Jesus, and all that changes is the order. A touch simplistic...

      However, there is something very visceral about meeting someone in person and then fancying them (to use British slang), and online dating is only an alternative to:

      a) frequenting bars

      b) get involved in activities you enjoy with a social component

      c) going to Uni. which is both a) & b) combined.

      Which distribution is your statistical observation draw from?

      P.

      1. Ian 55

        Re: funny...

        "dating priorities as Guns,NASCAR,Football and Jesus, and all that changes is the order. A touch simplistic..."

        Someone's done a map of the most popular terms in dating profiles by US state... and that's not far off most of them.

  12. speedbird007
    Happy

    @Truth4u

    My heart bleeds for all of you (true) stop trying to impress women, just be yourselves because most of us can sniff out pretense - eventually. I have to admit that I have never used online dating sites but I did "meet" my husband on a web design forum. It was only when the UK members met up in real life that we clicked.

    So the cliched advice to do something that interests you seems sound.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Truth4u

      Re: @Truth4u

      I don't have any interests beyond the basics; mainly consuming several pounds of biological matter a day and blowing it out my ass 12 hours later. Aside from that I spend a lot of time on Youtube watching nerdy videos and writing "witty" comments.

      You say it's not important to impress women, but I think women are looking for someone a little "better" than me.

      1. speedbird007

        Re: @Truth4u

        Stop that now! You are as you are and there are bound to be some women who will find you irresistible.

        At least you are not Steve Jobs...lol

      2. Duffy Moon

        Re: @Truth4u

        I sympathise, having tried online dating for about ten years. It wasn't until I tried Tinder that I had an actual date. I've also had a few via Tastebuds. Only one led to a second date ( out of the six I've had over the last year). None has led to a third.

        I'm currently unemployed, 44 and have to live with my parents (due to the aforementioned unemployment). Women don't want someone like me either. I'm too old for the younger ladies and too poor for the older ones. I can't afford to hang out in bars (I'm not the sort of person who can chat up strange women anyway). I was at university to do an MSc last year, but was obviously much older than my fellow students (although they thought I was in my early thirties as I look younger and am in good shape).

        In the last 20 years, I've had one girlfriend (and that was only for a few months). I just don't know how people manage to meet others with whom there's a mutual attraction as I've aways found it nigh on impossible. I keep trying, but I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I can never win. I've been alone so long that I don't even know how I'd even deal with a relationship.

        Coming back to the article, I've always used my real name. I fine see the point of doing otherwise (I do knock a few years off my age though).

      3. This post has been deleted by its author

  13. Yugguy

    Acme Aardvark here ladies

    Form an orderly queue.

  14. ecofeco Silver badge

    The ONLY scientific dating model I need

    The ONLY scientific dating model I need is the one that weeds out the crazy ones. I've learned how to spot the batshitinsane ones. The crazy ones are more subtle.

    1. Bottle_Cap
      Joke

      Re: The ONLY scientific dating model I need

      As the saying goes...

      Single

      Sane

      Attractive

      Pick any two you like!

  15. Emo

    Did anyone else read this and think it wasn't only his feet he got wet?

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