When "camp" fails, it's not pretty.
Jupiter Ascending – a literally laughable train wreck of a film
It’s usually not a good sign when a film’s release gets repeatedly delayed, as happened with the Wachowski siblings newest sci-fi extravaganza Jupiter Ascending. Knowing this, I tempered my expectations. But even my preparation to view what I expected to be a cheesy, largely nonsensical movie in the vein of the third Matrix …
COMMENTS
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Monday 9th February 2015 10:24 GMT Dave 126
Re: Sceptical Mila is sceptical
It seems the criticisms that some people have of the film Cloud Atlas could also be made of the book of which it's based.
I enjoyed the film, but then I'd read the book a few years previously (enough to forget some of the details) so I wasn't surprised by its structure or mixture of stories.
This Jupiter Ascending... the trailer I saw in the cinema last week didn't encourage me to see it. Oh well. At least we have had Guardians of the Galaxy as a fun interstellar movie romp this last year.
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Monday 9th February 2015 08:49 GMT jai
Re: Sceptical Mila is sceptical
Bound is great fun. The Matrix, of course was amazing. V for Vendetta is brilliant. And Cloud Atlas is truely epic.
M2 & 3 suffered perhaps from trying to do too much. Should have left some of their ideas for Animatrix 2 & 3 perhaps. But they're very enjoyable if you like watching the special effects in the battles and fight scenes.
So even if Jupiter Ascending is as bad as this review makes out, i'll give it the benefit of the doubt. Their track record, for me, is firmly in the positive so far.
(Would have loved to see their original version of Assassins. It's a great film as it is, but sounds like their version would have been far more interesting)
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Monday 9th February 2015 18:33 GMT adrianww
Re: Sceptical Mila is sceptical
I'm not certain that Matrix 2 and 3 suffered from "trying to do too much". What they suffered from was the Wachowski siblings suddenly finding that the quite interesting idea that powered the first film didn't actually have the legs to be extended to anything further. The end result was a second film that became increasingly awful, shallow, poorly plotted and laughably scripted as the minutes ticked by. Then, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, along comes the third film, mewling and puking in the bottom of the barrel where the second left off and - to everyone's astonishment - actually managing to be even worse.
I've tried quite hard over the years to find redeeming features in the second film and - while I haven't really managed to do so yet - I still live in hope and can occasionally watch it again to see if there is anything there to save it. The third film is unadulterated dross and is almost bad enough to make you wish that none of them had been made at all. I have tried to watch the third film again. I've even seen bits of it here and there when it's had an airing on the TV. I've still never managed to find anything in there worth the effort and could probably only manage to sit through all of it if I were sedated or spectacularly inebriated. It's about as much fun as cleaning a badly blocked plughole in a house populated by yetis who use their own dung and phlegm as shampoo.
I suspect that, if there had been a fourth Matrix film, Plan 9 from Outer Space would finally have had something to look down upon.
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Sunday 22nd February 2015 14:29 GMT Blitterbug
Re:I've tried quite hard over the years to find redeeming features in the second film ...
Largely agree with your awesome rant. However, the absolute standout for me is the whole freeway fight scene. Watch it from start to end; it's outrageous in its scope, devastatingly clever and beautifully choreographed. It still makes my jaw drop a little.
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Sunday 8th February 2015 11:42 GMT Anonymous Coward
So in other words - Star Wars look alike (with the notable exemption of episode 5)
Well, in other words it is on par with Star Wars in terms of plot "depth" (with the exemption of good old Empire Strikes Back), just the space and combat scenes are probably shot better than in any of Star Wars movies and make more sense - something a 12-16 year old will enjoy.
Good - junior will get some tickets and he will probably enjoy it (age 13). He watched episode 5 yesterday (after feeding for a couple of years on Babylon5, Stargate and Stargate Atlantis) and could not resist from commenting 70% of the time that all the space and ground combat is complete and utter b*llsjh*t and makes no sense from the point of view of tactics, strategy, elementary physics, etc.
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Sunday 8th February 2015 21:23 GMT cambsukguy
Re: Vanity Projects
Assuming you actually want to know the answer, yes, much better.
This review is very negative - almost like the professional reviewers who see so many films that they only like films like Cloud Atlas (difficult but clever and rewarding) - anything else doesn't stretch them so is rubbish. Mark Kermode sometimes gives a reasonable review though.
There was a plot, based on a preposterous notion (hmm, I wonder other film they did with a preposterous notion), but it was a plot.
It wasn't certain which of the protagonists were definitely good guys or bad guys.
The battles were not half bad.
The graphics were a bit overwhelming but quite impressive.
Mila Kunis did indeed look nice. GI Joe wasn't sullen and quiet as much as been intimated and acquitted himself adequately for the part. He showed his worth in Foxcatcher as far as I am concerned.
And Eddie Redmayne's character didn't scream anything like as much as suggested either.
But then, I thought the opening scene of The Interview (with Eminem) was worth the entry price if I had had one.
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Monday 9th February 2015 12:22 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: So in other words - Star Wars look alike (with the notable exemption of episode 5)
Best space combat scene in a "recent" movie was in Serenity - hands down. That had you by the seat of your pants - unlike that Star Wars movie a bit before it where you were in orbit of the capital and it was the flattest least dynamic space battle ever.
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Sunday 8th February 2015 20:13 GMT VinceH
Re: So, erm...
"I take it that you weren't keen?"
If memory serves, Brid-Aine's was quite scathing of Doctor Who episodes I enjoyed. I will therefore operate on the assumption that a bad review from Brid-Aine means it's something worth watching.
This might prove to be a mistake, of course.
On the other hand, the dislike expressed in this review might affect the amount of brain-switched-off-ness I take with me, which might improve the experience anyway. IYSWIM.
That said, my fleapit of choice doesn't have it listed, so maybe I won't.
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Monday 9th February 2015 09:24 GMT Truffle
Re: Isn't it amazing that...
Thirded? (Is that a thing?)
Saw Kingsmen yesterday and it is brilliant. It's a film that doesn't seem to know what it wants to be, and is a million times better for it!
One minute it's Austin Powers, the next it's Bourne Identity with moments of "jeez did Tarantino direct this?" violence. And it all melds together brilliantly becuase you don't know what you're going to get next.
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Monday 16th February 2015 10:43 GMT Andrew Torrance
Re: Isn't it amazing that...
Seen both . Kingsman is hilarious . A superb romp of a film . Jupiter ascending is a contrived film. Its a 1930s cliffhanger with cardboard characters and formulaic script. Having said that , I quite enjoyed it . Its a brains out movie with excellent 3d effects . However it will be awful on tele . I thought Redmayne was good , in a sterotypical baddie sort of way .
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Sunday 8th February 2015 16:14 GMT JoeTheAnnoying
Couldn't have said it better...
My friend dragged me to see this film, as he's an avid aficionado of terrible films. By about an hour in, my wife leaned over to me and said, in a slightly awed voice, "I think this may be the worst movie I've ever seen."
At the end, a group of teenagers in the back of the theater applauded. They were laughed down. (My wife thinks they were applauding because the movie was over.)
I even coined a new phrase for it. It was SOOO stupid and SOOO predictable I declared it, "Stupidictable".
Yeah, little more to add. Wooden acting. Unbelievably stupid and predictable plot. Characters so utterly stupid they can't predict the plot, which just makes you dislike them all the more.
But it's pretty, if you're not epileptic...
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Monday 9th February 2015 09:19 GMT Spiff66
Trailer was bad enough
To be fair I saw the trailer and it looked pretty wow for 10 seconds, until they then started with a bit of plot and acting at which point it became toe curlingly awful. I suppose if it was on sky on a wet sunday afternoon in january I might watch it. Pay money to go and see it though are you kidding, I'd rather gouge my eyes out.
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Monday 9th February 2015 10:35 GMT BenR
I actually went to see this - having paid actual cash-money! - the other day.
The plot, such as it is, could be accurately summarised as sci-fi 'Cinderella', with elements of 'Blade Runner', Star Wars (particularly 'Empire'), and 'Soylent Green' thrown in. I don't think the plot was irrevocable in truth. It had some interesting ideas in them, but you had to dig for them.
Visually, spectacular. Truly beautiful. Sadly, it should have been an indication of the film quality when even the billboard review quotes were all focused on the cinematography rather than anything else.
The script - ah, the script! If i was to describe it as "beyond fucking wank" I'd be being generous. It's all over the place. Characters come with little introduction, and go with even less fanfare. Two of the main characters are summarily dealt with by simply not giving them any more screentime, with no indication as to their fates. Seemingly important characters are, in some cases, not even named. Sean Bean plays a character with more facets than an insects eye, and all of them are underused. The dialogue is truly truly woeful, with members of one of the Universe's most powerful, 'Entitled' families speaking as though they're secondary (high) school students one second, before being made to sound like C17th royalty the next, often within the same sentence. It's as though they had a load of set-pieces they wanted to film, and wrote a script around them to bodge them all into 2 hours.
It's by no means the worst film ever made - but was very disappointing.
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Monday 9th February 2015 11:14 GMT GregC
Went and saw this yesterday
and it is a deeply, deeply silly film. Criticisms of the acting and, especially, the dialogue are entirely valid.
However...
Despite (or maybe even because of) the issues I also found it good fun, in a disengage brain and let it wash over me kind of way. And it is visually spectacular
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Monday 9th February 2015 12:51 GMT 7
Going to go anyway
The comments that strike me as most cogent are those semi-apologetic (facing down the stuffy troll hoard) positive appraisals that call it mindless good fun. They don't serve tea on roller coasters. That does not diminish - or have anything to do with - their entertainment value.
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Monday 9th February 2015 13:33 GMT Rogue Jedi
I saw it and did not think it was taht bad
On saturday I watched both Jupiter Ascending and Kingsman, Kingsman was unquestionably better but I enjoyed Jupiter ascending, yes nether the plot and script were perfect nether were they terrible, and the effects were amaizing.
it would have likely been improved with a slower pace prehaps told over a 3 hour running time rather than 2, or possibly by elimanating one of the subplots to give the charictors a bit more time to develope
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Monday 9th February 2015 14:55 GMT OffBeatMammal
too much hate
I saw this as a casual distraction over the weekend. I didn't expect much beyond a visual romp with maybe some cheezy one-liners and I was not disappointed.
The more I read where critics slam a movie this hard the more I realize their finely tuned sensibilities are a little out of touch so I'll go and judge for myself if the trailer grabs my attention.
Oh, and no mention of the Terry Gilliam cameo?
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Monday 9th February 2015 15:04 GMT People's Poet
I am about to commit heresy in some people's eyes but all the Star Wars films are dreadful if you listen to the dialogue. It doesn't stop you enjoying them though.
I think it's better not to have too many expectations when watching a film like this and just use it to kill a couple of hours while not having to think too hard.
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Monday 9th February 2015 17:19 GMT Psmiffy
As my son says; Star Wars is great except for all the talking. Standing up and talking, sitting down and talking, walking and talking.Sitting down then standing up to do more talking. All interspersed with epic scenes of light sabering and a bit of space battles.
Although to me the talking is important to advance the overall plot.
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Monday 9th February 2015 22:17 GMT Dan Paul
So called "Critics"
Dear Brid-Anne,
Please get a grip on yourself. ALL SCIENCE FICTION MOVIES do not agree with the "critics" because the "critics" only know how to criticize. I'll go out on a limb and bet this wasn't a review you relished doing.
If this or a similar movie is going to bother you, please only review "films" not science fiction movies.
Taking yourself so seriously is only going to result in excess lines around your eyes, migrain headaches, a hitch in your panties and incredibly nasal whining. You should avoid it at all costs.
Please assign movie revues to someone who posesses a sense of humor as life is difficult enough without someone sucking all the joy out of it.
I saw the movie myself this weekend and while the acting wasn't spectacular it wasn't as bad as BAP wants to make it. I have seen much worse, that was reviewed by the "critics" as being better.
Even my girlfriend liked the movie, much more than she expected.
If you like "Space Opera" as a genre, this flick was not too bad. The scope of the story was too fast and condensed to make much of the characters, a common problem with movies that should have been multi-part or even longer. Unfortunately, "critics" only think that better writing or dialog is the solution when I think too much of the movie ended up up on the cutting room floor. Some subjects just need more time. Space Opera is one of them as most fiction of the genre is multi-part.
The visuals were quite well done and in many movies that is a feat by itself. This was not a "Sci-Fi" made for TV movie with effects from District Nine. The fly over of Jupiter was amazing. The landings though the clouds were very nice. There weren't any obvious issues except the minor overuse of flying the anti-gravity boots.
Mila Kunis was a better, more believable choice for Jupiter the scullery maid/Cinderella than Portman, Eddie Redmayne was the best pompous villain I've seen in a while, regal, arrogant and vicious, Tatum Channing was a good bodyguard/soldier character but wasn't given enough screen time to develop the romance between he and Jupiter Jones. This DID come off as contrived. There were a dozen other characters that were kind of glossed over and could have been given more time as well.
It was enjoyable as long as you didn't confuse it with a serious "film". You had to take it at face value, a Science Fiction movie done by the Wachowski brothers. Given their heritage, you were expecting "War and Peace"?
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Monday 9th February 2015 22:49 GMT Vector
Compare and contrast
This weekend was, for me, an interesting demonstration of modern film critique.
I saw this critically panned movie (22% on Rotten Tomatoes) on Saturday. Yes, the plot was bullet-ridden and the characters drawn like a cheap comic book, but like classical opera, it was more about the spectacle than the story. In the end, it was great popcorn fun.
I also saw the critically acclaimed "Boyhood" (98% on Rotten Tomatoes, 8 Oscar nominations). While it was mostly well acted, it was really just a slice(s?) of life film that seemed to drag through many parts. We came to the conclusion that critics loved it because they've forgotten what that kind of life is like while the rest of us watch it like the antics of the neighbors down the street. In the end, I found "Boyhood" to be pretty meh. Kinda glad I saw it; don't ever need to see it again.
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Tuesday 10th February 2015 18:04 GMT Banksy
I've seen worse
As Rogue Jedi says above there is some cringeworthy dialogue and general plot daftness but I've seen a lot worse on screen. For instance, I recently watched Battleship. It seems like they tried to go for a Marvel-esque cocky type of humour but failed badly at it.
I am a bit surprised by the praise for the space scenes, some of the CGI was ultra ropey IMO, particularly the ships themselves. Also some of the characters were like rejects from Babylon 5 or a Saturday morning cartoon.
Biggest criticism is that the plot is very, very similar to the Matrix in one key aspect (which I won't reveal). Seems like the Wachowski's had one good idea and they've changed it and the setting slightly.