I reckon that I have something...
that beats all three of those movies in the unwatchable stakes. A movie so bad that Stephan King successfully sued to have his name removed from the original title.
The Lawnmower Man... enough said
Our piece earlier this week on a study which proved The Wizard of Oz is the "most significant" movie ever – by dint of being the flick most referenced in subsequent works – provoked some interesting comments from our ever-lively readers. It goes without saying that a lot of your output centred on the researchers' possibly …
Hercules in New York is a very watchable film. It's laughable, yes, the acting is terrible, and the background traffic noise on Mount Olympus destroys any sense of realism. However, it does have a plot, and is actually enjoyable despite being a terrible film.
I guess one edge to some of the European readers is they probably have never heard of Larry the Cable Guy (voice of Mater in movie Cars) and his total garbage movies (think the Ernest movies but mean spirited and with a lot more toilet humor). I can't imagine anyone would waste time dubbing those pieces of shit into any other language.
You've obviously never watched JET ( also known as Ground Control ) starring Keither Sutherland!
OH GOD IT'S BLOODY AWFUL! The set must have cost about £5 to build/rent out of hours. Sutherland seems to have taken his inspiration from Ted Striker in Airplane! It's shot at night for the external shots which consist of our hero having flashbacks and chain smoking while standing in a stairwell! The interior set must have been about 10 foot square max. The worst bit is the fact that when the plane safely lands it's daylight AND the shots were taken from another movie! Train wreck? It's a full on train-carrying-nuclear-warhead-hitting-a-city wreck!
Whatever you think of the plot, the design, the morality or anything else, it has Jennifer Connelly in it. And no movie with Jennifer Connelly in it can be justly called unwatchable
Not even Inkheart or Noah* and especially not pre-2000 Jennifer Connelly, when she still qualified as 'voluptuous'. Winter's Tale has received particularly poor reviews but, with not only Jennifer Connelly but Jessica Brown Findlay in it, I can't imagine it even approaches unwatchable, however bad it is.
Wash your mouth out, sir. (Or perhaps your eyes.)
* - I still have next to no idea what was going on there.
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"The Lawnmower Man... enough said"
Lawnmower Man (theatrical release) wasn't bad for the era and I enjoyed it, although I was quite into cyberpunk at the time and hence biased. I even liked little touches like having Lawnmower man's wife walk out on him, never to return. Movies just don't leave loose ends like that. I thought it was bold for a mainstream movie.
Then I got a chance to watch the director's cut and found that that the pieces cut out of the theatrical release really helped the movie. In the director's cut, the wife returned to be mind-controlled into a mindless, cornball zombie that hurt the movie. A lot of the extra bits did not help at all. If you saw the unabridged director's cut, I'm sorry, you're seeing the worse movie.
I walked out Lawnmower Man II. It's one of two movies I've walked out of. Battlefield Earth would've been a third, but I was paralyzed like a deer in headlights by its horribleness. The only other movie that's been so painful to watch (for me) was Dragon Wars.
...once again, wondering if such superlatives and lists are generated merely to attract attention and generate flame wars so as to pile-up the advert revenue.
Oh well. Doesn't matter. I still want to put in my $20.00 (that's $.02 adjusted for inflation since my birth) worth. I'm as opinionated and mouthy as the next guy.
In defense-- however slight-- of "Pearl Harbor": for a military-history and aircraft buff, it may be worth the price of admission just for the five or ten minutes of FX of the B-25's marshalling aboard and then launching from "Hornet" for the Doolittle Raid. Sure had me convinced. Of course, to connect anybody in England or at Pearl with the Doolittle Raid is just plain silly. But that's what movies are for.
ElReg ed's: completely agree with your judgements. Dramoth: completely agree with your judgement.
However, I can't be the only one also thinking of "Ishtar", "Water World", "Howard the Duck", and "Heaven's Gate".
Let the flame wars begin...
I didn't think Waterworld was that terrible. It was slow, and could have done with some jokes, and fun goodies, but it had a few bonkers action sequences and cheerfully nasty baddies. And as a bit of lazy TV, where you can visit the kettle during the boring bits, it's better than quite a lot of other stuff I've seen. Of course I didn't pay to see it at the cinema...
I assume there are good action sequences in Pearl Harbour, but it seems to go on for ever, and whenever I've come across it on TV, it's been in some interminable bar scene, or just dull conversation - so I've never managed to stick around long enough to see if there are any good bits. Or even interesting characters.
I've never seen Gigli and only vaguely remember switching Battlefield Earth off after a couple of minutes - so can't comment. Although my memories of the Phantom Menace are pretty dire - and whatever the 3rd one was called when Haden Christensen's total inability to act and George Lucas' appalling ear for dialogue combined into a bumb-numbing crescendo of awfulness.
Ah, yes, Prince of Thieves. Where the opening montage has them landing under the White Cliffs of Dover, announcing that they will be in Nottingham by nightfall (170 miles), and then travelling there via a slight detour of 120 miles further north to Hadrian's Wall. Outstanding!
(but totally redeemed by Alan Rickman, of course. There must be a 'Costner-free' edit around somewhere...)
"...landing under the White Cliffs of Dover*..."
*actually filmed at the Seven Sisters cliffs in Sussex, which Wikipedia notes a being "a stand-in for the more famous White Cliffs of Dover, since they are relatively free of anachronistic modern development and are also allowed to erode naturally". The film makers probably wanted to imply that they were part of the well-known Nottinghamshire coastline...
I'm quite fond of Howard the Duck, which has a good cast and a number of funny lines.
Water World I just thought was terribly boring. It had all the stupid of, say, Tank Girl but none of the cheesy joy. Costner is convinced he's god's gift to cinema (just read an interview where he blathers on about his latest Great White Father flick and confirms the diagnosis), and can't lighten up enough to play "web-footed messiah" as any way other than completely straight.
I've never seen more than bits and pieces of the other two.
I believe Plan 9 from outer space is generally reckoned to be the worst scifi of all time.
If we include the excremental Uwe Boll disaster Alone in the Dark, then Plan 9 is far from the worst. But Alone is really horror / fantasy, not SF. I don't know if Boll has ever made a film that could comfortably labeled SF.
I'm sure I've seen SF films on MST3K that are comfortably worse than Plan 9 by pretty much any measure. Certainly less entertaining.
If we include made-for-TV movies shown on the SyFy cable channel, then Plan 9 is closer to Oscar territory than "worst ever".
That fucking super-speed attack thing at the end where he literally makes the villain spin around so fast he drills into the ground like a fucking Looney Tunes cartoon... When the guy started singing "Who Wants to Live Forever" I wanted to reach through the screen and get me some quickening.
And I thought that Starship Stormtroopers was bad enough
Starship Troopers was an excellent movie. It just wasn't the moviue most people seem to think it was.
If you saw ST as an action romp, with the good guys shooting up the evil aliens - you missed the whole point of the movie. It is a satire. It is a reflection on a society entirely beholden to its military, unable to see the evil it is perpetrating.
The sequels, howver, were total unadulterated crap. Despite having Jolene Blalock in one of them.
Charlies Angels 2, was forced to sit through it once have managed to block most of it from my memory but can recall how I felt after seeing it so that's enough for it to be high on my list. Have never actually watched any of the 3 mentioned in the article though and consider that a good thing.
I didn't think BE was all that bad. I think it's just one of those films that for some reason people took too seriously. I've read the book and I thought it was a pretty good adaptation. BE never was high science fiction. It's a ludicrously long comic book without any pictures. I am glad that they didn't bother with the sequel though. The second half of the book is a test of endurance with little to nothing to show for it when you do struggle through.
This was a real endurance test. SyFy had a Shark-Movie day a few months ago, with "movies" like
2-Headed Shark Attack
one after the other...... I survived. But only thanks to enough drink. Even the ad-breaks didn't provide any respite, with David Hasselhoff promoting Sharknado 2. AAARGH!!
Sharknado was funny.
I particularly liked how there was a bus with the depth of the water not yet covering the wheels, it then cut to underwater shots of the shark the people in the bus were contending with - in deep water.
I didn't see any frikin' lasers, though, so I don't think the film was a particularly accurate depiction. Are there lasers in the second one?
give low-budget trash and exploitation films a bit of leeway here; it's the terrible stuff done by people who should know better that I'm less forgiving of. And stuff like Creeping Terror and Plan Nine from Outer Space are good fun to watch.
But yes, Battlefield Earth is jaw-droppingly bad. Special mentions also for Girl on a Motorcycle, The Room, Glen or Glenda (sorry Ed) and the Fat Slags movie.
Films I need to check out—to see if they're as bad as people make out—include Rancid Aluminium, Sex Lives of the Potato Men and Norbit.
I always felt 'Sex Lives of the Potato Men' was deliberately misunderstood by the critics, largely due to Johnny Vegas taking the lead role. The same film starring Timothy Spall and with a Mike Leigh directors credit would have been hailed as a Palme d'Or candidate for being a "brave and gritty representation of underclass Britain", or some such tosh...
The book is bad
I haven't read it in a while (I bought it in my last year at school more or less when it was first published) but from what I remember the first hundred pages were okay. I mean it's not literary brilliance but it was interesting and fun which is more than most 'post human civilisation' novels are. For me it all started to go downhill shortly after Jonnie began planning the revolution and the after they nuke Psycho it goes downhill fast. Entire chapters devoted to reverse engineering then redesigning the teleporter. And as for all that financial crap when he manages to find a way to avoid the foreclosure on Earth. Yuk.
I mentioned the Mr Bean movie above (it's the only movie I've ever walked out of at the cinema) but Daredevil is quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen. And I've seen it twice because some ABSOLUTE BASTARD convinced me that the director's cut was an improvement. I am no longer friends with that person.
The reverse chronology, the fuckawful Affleck voiceover, the terrible, terrible direction and editing, the awful soundtrack... everything about that film is truly awful except for Oliver Platt and the late and much missed Michael Clarke Duncan.
If there was ever a film where you longed for the villain to crush the hero's idiot skull, it's that one.
however - and in keeping more with your post title, in the "So Bad It's Good" category, I give you Knowing, a Nicholas Cage movie so "knowingly" - I see what they did there - terrible that it's hilarious.
By the time we get to the alien Nazi Angels, I am crying with helpless laughter every time I watch it.
"Do we get many truly awful movies these days? Studios are becoming more risk-averse so we're seeing more "so meh it's hmm" titles."
I hear what you are saying but I'd counter with 'Hector and the Search for Happiness." And use a phrase that occurs so often in this thread that it probably needs an acronym. The only film I ever walked out of. TOFIEWOO.
"I recall watching Stealth and thinking it was a turd, but I couldn't point to any one thing in particular that made it so wretched."
I paid to see that pile of turd at the cinema.
IIRC, it seemed to me to have two distinct halves - like two pilot episodes of a TV series joined together to make it a feature length pilot. Two failed pilot episodes, that is, where the makers decided, nah, this will never run as a TV series - let's throw it at the cinemas and see if people are mug enough to pay to see it.
No, I completely disagree. Corman never claimed he was making great art; he just made films to make money. It's a testament to his skill that he ended up making some pretty good films very quickly and on very small budgets; particularly the Poe adaptations.
Films like Bucket of Blood are crying out to be remade. Even the obvious exploitation flicks like Slumber Party Massacre are well-made and tongue-in-cheek, even if they do deliver the requisite gore and tits'n'ass.
Francis Ford Coppola, Ron Howard, Martin Scorsese and James Cameron all learned their trade under Roger Corman.
I remember going to see the original 'Night at the museum' in the cinema. It was absolutely droll but I couldn't walk out as I needed to wait for a lift home. Halfway through I went to the bogs, on the way back I started checking the other screens to see if there was anything we could switch to. Unfortunately the only other thing on the go was some dire Jessica Simpson vehicle.
Must be in the top ten of best concert movies ever made.
It would indeed be curious for someone who likes the music of Talking Heads not to like the film.
If this is the case please feel free to elaborate.
OTOH, if you don't like the music of TH, then I suggest you made a right, old arse-bollox of picking a film that night.
(I'd also suggest you need your ears looked at but that's by the by.)
One of the duties of a parent is having to sit through 'must see' movies on a Saturday afternoon, the worst of which in my case being, by a considerable length of chalk, Pokémon: The Movie 2000. I would honestly rather undergo dentistry than have to sit through the final hour of that for a second time.
G-Force wasn't much better but was mitigated by being presented in 3-d (so you could at least nod off behind the dark glasses without too many people noticing).
she decided it was dark enough that she could get some sleep instead.
My dad snored audibly throughout the final two-thirds of Star Wars in 1978. Twenty years later I found myself in a similar position for The Phantom Menace. I stayed awake, but it was a close run thing.
One of the duties of a parent is having to sit through 'must see' movies on a Saturday afternoon, the worst of which in my case being, by a considerable length of chalk, Pokémon: The Movie 2000. I would honestly rather undergo dentistry than have to sit through the final hour of that for a second time.
Is that the one where the film spends five minutes (*actually* five minutes) talking about how "fightings is totally bad you guys", and then everyone's memories are erased because Nintendo realised that would completely nutfuck a series based entirely around fighting?
As we're adding in to the mix, Red Lights. Diabolical waste of time. If you have an hour and a half to kill, may I recommend you take a nap instead?
In the words of a much better Sigourney Weaver character, "Nuke it from orbit, it's the only way to be sure". Icon most definitely related>>>
"(P.S to the commentator who voted for waterworld, that is suprisingly watchable, now the Postman is another story ....)"
They're both alright, in my book. I've quite a softspot a bit of post apocalyptic nonsense.
However, if you read the book, the film suddenly becomes a whole lot worse. The Postman is an excellent book.
>>"1 vote for Battleship. the film that is the very epitome of what is wrong in Hollywood"
Battleship is surprisingly watchable satire. You realize that no-where in the film did the crashed alien vessel initiate hostilities and despite their clearly superior firepower they always hold back from pressing their advantage each time the humans are forced to back off? I'm not even convinced the alien ship was a military vessel. The entire point of the film is that the humans are the aggressors attacking a damaged alien ship whose sole aim in the movie is to "phone home". They trot out all the American Military Hero tropes and film it from the action heroes' points of view, whilst at the same time making it clear that the humans are needlessly provoking war.
It's a brilliant indictment of the American military industrial complex and Hollywood war movies. I worry when I read posts like yours that people missed that and just took it as a straight action movie.
There are just too many other contenders to name...
"Lust. Caution" was a particular artsy fartsy waste of time despite all the awards it got.
"The Mist" still stands as an over acted, poorly scripted, desperate Hollywood attempt at adapting a Stephen King's novel into a horror movie.
I'm still owed about 2 hours of my life watching "Marley & Me" which (for reasons I can only explain by biology) seems to be ranked as a classic tearjerker by most women I know...
Dog is born -> Dog acts silly -> Dog dies... What the f*** is there a need for a movie to tell that ?
"Truly, Madly, Deeply, Whatever". The "British 'Ghost'".
That one was roughly to "Ghost" what "Hex" was to "Buffy".
I *liked* "Ghost", though the ghost and his medium were both dreadful actors who were exceedingly poorly directed. ""TMD" was just recycled arty yak-puke in a bun.
"Hex" was, unbelievably, worse than "Battlefield Earth". It's not really a film but it does illustrate that when USAlien stuff is copied by UKlanders trying to cash in on the genre the result can be just as direl as when ideas go in the other direction.
Possibly the worst of M. Night thingummy's works. It's a film about the devil using lifts to kill people. Why? Because he is the devil.
When my friend now asks "What's the worst that could happen?" "Devil" is my response.
It was worse than Highlander: Source, worse than the Robocop TV movies and even worse than Battlefield Earth or Gigli.
It's even worse than Silent Hill. Or anything by Uwe Boll.
Shylaman's films have become progressively shit. The Sixth Sense was good if you didn't guess or hear about the ending, and from that point on every film he has made was worse than the one before it. Indeed, the IMDB ratings from every film he has made from The Sixth Sense onward almost keeps to that rule.
[...]worse than the Robocop TV movies[...]
You mean Prime Directives? Four-part mini-series thing?
There were some good ideas in there, but it was hamstrung by poor pacing caused by too much padding. The whole thing could have made a tight two-parter (like the Pratchett adaptations) but it was squandered.
It didn't help that the first episode's "villain" looked like a rejected Power Rangers extra either.
"The ones where the trees shake in the wind drive people to suicide was an MNS one wasn't it?"
"The Happening"? Or "Stuart Little"? I must admit that, after being subjected to previews, I've never been tempted to bother with either of those but they could justifiably both fit into any top ten worst movies of all time list.
It seems to be only high profile disasters that are getting a look in, in which case you'd have to throw in the 2006 Wicker Man remake.
However, the only way I could ever partake in an unwatchablathon is if every film was the MST3K version of it, or if it was available as a riff from riff trax.
I'm too spoiled by being entertained by brilliant commentary to sit through a turd of a film without it.
irt: Loyal Commentator
I would suggest not just the remake but the sequels of Karate Kid, too.
And to vent an unpopular opinion, I thought Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was great, it was the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory that I dislike. A multitude of reasons, but the naming particularly ticks me off, and the family singing is just awful (The riff trax of this is with Neil Patrick Harris, and it's brilliant)
Especially old ones, and old sci-fi. I still have an extensive VHS collection and some laserdiscs of films that never made it to DVD, such as:
Slipstream (1989,Japanese widescreen laserdisc)
Deep Red (1994,laserdisc)
Out on a Limb (1992,laserdisc)
Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986,laserdisc)
Dream Machine (1991,laserdisc)
Off and Running (1991,VHS)
Crazy Legs aka Off The Mark (1987,VHS)
The Dirt Bike Kid (1985,laserdisc)
Then go check out Lair of the White Worm. You should love it. I know I sure didn't. It's got bad acting despite having some decent actors which I suppose indicates bad direction; bad dialog; and really, really bad special effects. It ranks right down there with almost everything The Cruiser* made.
Robot Jox - 'Oooh, it's by the person who did the incredibly wonderful Re-Animator, I want that!' 85 minutes later... 'WTFF?'
What's worse is that it got effectively remade as Pacific Rim by someone else who does magnificent stuff and commercial crap... as the latter.
Oh yes, and how could I forget the Nick 'one facial expression' Cage classic, "National Treasure". The whole plot seemingly revolves around how he is somehow descended from some great American hero, and there's a massive conspiracy by the British to undo him, with associated cheesy effects and wooden acting.
Then they made a sequel.
Yes it had plenty of faults but it was also funny in places, as is the book.
For something really bad try "Basket Case" or "Surf Nazis Must Die" both of which could have been _so_ much better if only someone with any skill or talent was involved with any of the production!
but I'd nominate Star Wars: Episode 2 as one of the worst movies ever. It was the only time I have actually walked out of the cinema (and watched it years later on cable tv to confirm it was as bad as I remembered)
There is no saving grace from the terrible acting to the insta-obsolete-looking FX to the suicide inducing script...
Surely episode 2 is the "best" of the 3 prequels? It's got 2 enormous set-piece battles, which take up most of the time, so there's less time for George Lucas' appalling dialogue. They're quite fun. Also it isn't about taxes like the Phantom Morrass. Plus the whole film doesn't hang on Haden Christensen's acting inability, in order to convince you of his motivation to go to the dark side (like the 3rd).
'Caravan of Courage' is truly dreadful. I've managed to avoid 'Battle for Endor'.
In the meantime, may I kindly draw your attention to 'Showgirls'? THE. WORST. SEX. SCENE. EVA!!!!
Also, no-one's mentioned Red Sonja? Arnie's the best actor in it, and he's outshone by the horses...
One evening watching movies with a friend, the lineup was Apocalypse Now, Brazil, and The Wall. There were no recreational pharmaceuticals in use, and no boozahol.. but Damn did my head get bent that night.
The Fiend wanted to end the night with Memento but the movie wouldn't play.
One of the most favorable reviews I've ever heard of the Wing Commander movie came from a friend's girlfriend after we left the theater: "I haven't slept so well in a long time!" Now I'm getting wistful thinking of pre-terrible-cosmetic-surgery Saffron Burrows who was in that pile of dreck with Matthew Lillard and Freddie Prinze Jr. What might've been but for some body image issues. Sigh.
In The Name Of The King, an Uwe Boll take on Dungeon Siege starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta and Burt Motherfucking Reynolds as the King in question.
I saw the cast and the title on EPG but had no idea it was a game-movie or that darling Uwe was involved.
Jesus H Corbett, that was bad.
It depends... the 2 CGI Resident Evil made by Capcom are quite fun... I'd go as far as to say that the second one (RE: Degeneration) is actually good, that is if you like the games' characters* and enjoy their crazy plots: in short, if you're a fan of the games, these movies are highly entertaining (and you'll know to steer clear of the Mila Jovovich vehicles...)
Any other videogame movie, with the possible exception of Silent Hill, falls squarely in the list of worst-ever
*Leon S. Kennedy rocks
Resident Evil starts off okay but by four and five turns into Excrement Drivel.
They made 5? Don't tell my wife, please, especially if they're bad. I've been subjected to the first three so many times that any good qualities they may have once had have faded and been replaced with "Oh hell, not this again!"
"AGDTDH" is better than "DH4.0" if only for the science. I loved their "anti-radiation" foam or whatever it was.
Though the girl who betrayed Daddy, only to not do so, was a rather unconvincing character. Actually, the only truly convincing character was the power-plant at Chernobyl. But it was still better than "4.0".
I haven't seen most of the films mentioned above (aside from Armageddon - pretty bad) but the film of The High Crusade was dreadful (note to film makers - sometimes the funniest way to film the book is to play it straight! What made the book funny was that the overall situation was so ludicrous (mediaeval English vs advanced aliens) and yet credible, the way it was described. Dune was worse though. IMHO.
This was the last film that made me actually angry. Specifically, the bit where Sandra Bullock has a toehold on some cables attached to the space station and she's holding onto George Clooney. All she had to do was slowly contract her body and they would both have drifted to the station and been able to grab onto something.
In the film George Clooney is being pulled away from the station by a force that is at right-angles to anything we know. When Sandra lets go, that same mysterious force sends George whistling off into the darkness. Considering the film is called Gravity, you would have thought that somebody would have looked up what that is at some point.
My manager at a former job said he liked funny movies so I told him I had a funny movie that he could borrow called "Freddy Got Fingered". When he gave it back to me he practically stuffed into my chest while scowling poisonously. "What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Why did he do that to that deer? What the hell is wrong with YOU?". GodDAMN it was so worth it :) I was never going to have a long career there anyway.
Actually asked for my rental money back
I actually sort of got my rental money back for a bad movie once. The video store manager gave me a look of sympathy when he saw what movie it was and said he understood as he handed me a coupon for a free rental. I've no idea what the movie was though. I didn't think I'd be trying to remember it 20 years later.
Swordfish - Yeah, encryption can be broken by randomly smashing a keyboard. And viri coded without one.
Alien 3. Obviously.
The Net. Less said the better. Desperate attempt to cash in on this new, popular "information superhighway" thing.
Truly awful movies:
Hackers - pile of screaming dog turd. Was given it on DVD. Put it on again last week for only the second time in 15 years.... it lasted less then 10minutes.
Alien Resurrection. Same reasons.
Devils Bridge. The g/f found this in a charity shop. Its supposed to be 'Southern Comfort' in Wales. Its 90minutes (?) of terrible trash. Which is a shame, as the basic premise isn't too bad.
Zombiefied. From the same shop. It lasted less than 5 minutes before being thrown into the log burner.
However, a thumbs up for Wargames (mainly as it was aimed at kids). Overlooking the problem of displaying vector graphics on a bitmap screen, and the slight incompatibility between asyn and sync comms protocols, they did get a few things right. Heck, the film spawned the terms 'war-dialling' and 'war-driving'.
It's not a moive (a movie refernce though), as i think the following comments will probably see me stoned to death (figuratively)
Bad Movies: (my list)
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - what the hell did they do to the plot? disgusted
Stargate & Buffy the Vampire Slayer
(Not really the movies fault, but they are so sub-par compared to their respective derivative TV series, that once you've seen the tv series, the movies are unwatchable imo) In Highlanders case even the TV series was bad.
other movies I think are bad...
(1) Most movies that are not sci-fi or fantasy.
(2) Almost all movies that are popular or set/made in america that also match (1)
(3) ALL moives that are whimsical comedies featuring self-effacing 'british men' faling in love with american ladies.
(4) ALL movies with Tom Cruise or George Clooney in them.
(5) Most movies with Ben Affleck (there was one i liked, can't recall it's name)
(6) 'Almost' all movies with Bruce Willis. ('cause I quite liked Fifth Element)
Fussy, aren't I?
Admittedly I skimmed the previous 140+ comments pretty quickly, but am astonished to not see any mention of :
"Stop, or my mom will shoot"
...which is about about as bad as it gets - intending to be comedy but failing entirely.
Fortunately we are graced with some movies which are so bad as to cross the threshold into utter brilliance. I give you:
Bad Taste (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092610/?ref_=nv_sr_1) ...Peter Jackson's first commercial movie.
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097550/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 ...Starring Neil Morrissey
The Blair Witch Project - no plot, no atmosphere, just NO.
Schindler's List. I have a particular dread of Spielberg films, but this one was the worst by a country mile. It wasn't just me who nearly lost the will to live, the chap behind me was snoring by about 10 hours in, and it is to this day the film with the most audience heckling I have ever sat through.
I realize it has been a few decades, and I don't hold it against Sean Connery, who has been in many very entertaining films, but Zardoz has to be mentioned in a list of least watchable films. I gave one last try a couple of years ago, on the theory that perhaps I was too young and callow to appreciate it at the time. No. The flying heads alone... How could anyone have given the go-ahead for that project?
Oh, yeah, that was pretty bad.
I saw it with great expectations -- it had been praised pretty regularly by the then-reviewer of F&SF -- and good lord just how awful can one movie be. I understand that there was a metaphor about overthrowing a decadent ruling class, but that metaphor was realized with rape scenes and manly men going around shirtless for no apparent reason (okay, I can guess the reason, but it's still terrible).
Honky Tonk Freeway is a 1981 comedy film directed by John Schlesinger. The film, conceived and co-produced by Don Boyd, was one of the most expensive box office flops in history, losing its British backers Thorn-EMI an estimated $11,000,000 and profoundly impacting its fortunes and aspirations.
New Yorkers lined up for blocks to see for themselves just how bad it really was. Still, it lost money!
And yet, it gets a 5.0 rating on IMDB.
Try any of Bela Tarr's epic films like The Man From London http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0415127/ - only 139 minutes (his 'Satantango' runs to 450 minutes, and hence is heralded a masterpiece by people who don't understand cinema), but managed to fall properly asleep *twice* during it. Fuck me, what a slow, onanistic film. Slot it into your viewing schedule to make you appreciate drawn-out bar scenes.
Both of them I went to see based on the reputation of someone involved in the movie.
Going Places. I'd heard Gérard Depardieu was an excellent actor, and thought I'd see him during a revival of Going Places. He may indeed be an excellent actor, but unfortunately this was a demonstration of what happens when humor doesn't age well. Those "funny" scenes didn't translate well twenty years later.
Switch. Blake Edwards! Director of Pink Panther, Victor/Victoria! There's no way this is going to be a movie that repeats the same joke over and over, right? Right? Oh dear...
A DVD I recently has the misfortune to see - SAS Black Ops.
I will admit to being fooled by the case which featured
soldier clad in urban combat gear with soldiers rapelling
from a helicopter in urban environment.
OK so far?
Film had following failings:
1. Nothing to do with SAS,
2. Nobody wears urban combat gear,
3. Nobody rapells from a helicopter,
4. There are no helicopters,
5. Film set in deserted house and woodland.
"Actors" were dreadfully wooden with dialogue so bad it
aspires to be wooden. Plot (was there one???) simplistic
and effects limited to the odd fourpenny banger going off.
This film should be avoided at all costs!!!
Hey, to bring things back to Ben Affleck: anyone else here obsessed with Reindeer Games? This movie tried to be so clever and Charlize Theron was rocking the no-makeup look with excellence here. The cast was pretty packed between Gary Sinise, AFLAC, Charlize Theron, and Dennis Farina. Yet somehow the movie bombed like a Stuka.
Personally, I thought the various Santa deaths should've been more gory. It wouldn't have taken much to have turned that movie into a warped Christmas classic on par with the first Die Hard. Oh well.
It's funny to see just how different peoples opinions are. I'm about to further showcase that with one of my all time dislikes.
I should first point out that I watch movies for entertainment. Not art. Also, continue to read on to my second, which is my most hated movie.
2001: A Space Odyssey. Yes, if you handed me BE and 2001, and pointed a gun at my head to choose...I would choose BE. I find it really funny that people will complain how little plot the Transformers movies have, and then claim to love 2001, which had much less. ( To be fair, what I've read about the books suggests it's a lot better there. ) I mean, it took what, 45 minutes to get out of the apes scene and start the movie? The newest Transformers only took like 10 minutes to get past its own backstory. ( Don't get me wrong, there was plenty wrong with T4 as well. Everything burns/explodes, female is set up to be a strong lead character then spends the second half crying for help and being entirely useless, etc. )
Now that that little gripe is out of the way, it's time for the real winner ( loser? ):
Allow me to sum this movie up: They walk over to a ladder and climb out.
There's no drama, intrigue, interest, plot, nothing. It has not a single saving grace. It's the epitome of what happens when George Lucas is allowed to make things his own way.
This was the most bored I have ever been in a movie. I kept watching it expecting something to happen. I kid you not, as they climbed out of the ladder, I was thinking "Finally something is going to happen!"...and then came the credits. I watched this with my parents, who have quite different tastes, and they too thoroughly hated it.
I recommend saving thx-1138 for the last of this terrible marathon, to really drive home the bad. If you go into it wanting the last few hours back, and wanting something to happen/to do...this will surely bring out the suicidal thoughts.
2001: A Space Odyssey
To be honest your opinion of 2001 pretty much sums up mine of every Kubrick film I've ever seen with the notable exception of A Clockwork Orange. One gem out of what, thirty some odd really bad movies? Why did they keep letting him make movies?
Geh, now I'm having flashbacks to Eyes Wide Shut! Make it stop!
All the big-budget movies you guys are complaining about are masterpieces compared to a movie I saw on a bus in South America: Millennium Crisis.
I applaud anybody who can make it through the trailer without a look of horror on their face by the end:
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made a quiet night at the cinema rather slow. By comparison more happened in Medicine Man but still a poor showing by Mr Connery.
Once fell asleep during "The Song Remains The Same". But in it's defence, it was the middle film of an all-nighter at the local ABC. Heavy Metal and Woodstock were the other two. I think I might have been 15 or so. God knows why I thought that was something to do.
I can highly disapprove of a Japanese horror film called the loft...The plots all over the place (so many ways to ruin cherkovs gun, so little time). It's not even much of horror film since you just want everyone to die if only to get it over with (plus the ending comes from no where) just hopeless.
If Matthew McConaughey as the leading love interest in a movie wasn't bad enough, this film combines it with Kate Beckinsale as his partner.
Gary Oldman also method acts as a dwarf spending much of the film walking around on his knees Yoda style. Peter Dinklage does put in an amusing, although too brief a performance to redeem this film.
It was so bad I actually bought several copies of the DVD so that I could distribute it to friends, much the same way that Two Girls One Cup was shared.
Anything really bad generally can be an enjoyable watch, with the right frame of mind. It's the ones in the middle that are really unwatchable, not good, but not truly bad either..
I had a "B-fest" B movie marathon over a weekend last year, and much fun was had by all, that included Troll and Troll 2
Battlefield Earth (terrible - thank god it's less than 2 Hrs), Gigli (haven't seen it), Pearl Harbour (terrible, and very, very long) are veritable masterpieces of writing, actiing and film-making compared to "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D" which is so truly without any redeeming features that even my dog couldn't bear to be in the same room while it was (briefly) playing despite bacon sandwiches being available.
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D is without any shadow of doubt of less value than the celuloid it was printed on. At 93 minutes long, it is precisely 93 minutes too long.
Personally I think a lot of the films mentioned here as being really bad, such a waterworld and BE, actually aren't that bad. Certainly not high points in cinema history but not every film can be.
Having said that I think film rating sites give an excellent lesson in why many statistics should generally not be believed and statistics gathered on the internet particularly so. Pick just about any film and look at the rating on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes. Make sure there is a decent number of votes on both sites, lets say 10k votes. The scores will almost always be wildly different despite what you would think would be enough votes for a representative sample. Consider the many psychology experiments look at just small groups students and you have to wonder what they are really discovering.
When I was TDY to RAFs in my youth, I was subjected to the only entertainment on the Tele, Professional Darts. There had never been a more boring 'sport' on the air. I would rather watch insurance seminars and read Actuary Tables than to watch fat, grown men glare at each other like Siamese-fighting fish. That's when I learned to drink.
I've only ever walked out of the cinema once and that was watching The Exorcist; wow was that film boring!!
Pacific Rim - It's so bad I've had to re-watch it several times just to see if it's as bad as I thought;
The New Godzilla, mind the old one isn't any better
Dungeons and Dragons
Aliens 3 & 4
Predator 2 & Predators
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