back to article Post-pub nosh neckfiller: 1.5 MILLION SCOVILLE masala omelette

"Lester Haines is evil. Not once did he ever say, 'No Shax, don't do it'." Those were the last words heard yesterday from Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) rocket wrangler Paul "Shax" Shackleton after he recklessly took our post-pub nosh neckfiller recipe for masala omelette, added two Carolina Reaper chilli peppers …

  1. Bloodbeastterror

    Sympathy...

    I wouldn't have understood this unless I had myself had an over-hot Vindaloo in our local restaurant. With my kids. Foolishly trying to be The Big Man. It didn't work. After a few mouthfuls, sweat pouring down my forehead, mouth on fire, saying "Oh God, make it stop!", no amount of water quenching the flames, I had to leave over half of it on the plate. And that certainly wasn't a Carolina Reaper - I can only begin to imagine the pain.

    Don't do it, people...

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Sympathy...

      Water (beer, juice, whatever water-based liquid) doesn't work. It just moves the capsaicin around, making things worse. What you want is full-fat dairy. Milk, cheese, yogurt, etc.

      1. Colin Miller

        Re: Sympathy...

        Aye, capsaicin is only slightly water soluble, but is fat soluble. High-fat milk is the best drink to calm chilli fire.

        1. jake Silver badge

          @ Colin Miller (was: Re: Sympathy...)

          "capsaicin is only slightly water soluble"

          It's not water soluble at all. All water does is spread it around.

          "High-fat milk is the best drink to calm chilli fire."

          Not high-fat milk. Heavy cream. Sour Cream, Greek Yogurt, Crema, etc. also work nicely. The capsaicin binds to the fat, instead of the "I'm in pain now" receptors in your mouth.

          I've used olive oil as a rinse&spit. It works, but it's not exactly pleasant.

          One bit of folklore says "mouthful of salt" ... Don't try it. All it does is open up your salivary glands, thus spreading the capsaicin even further thanks to your water-based spit ... You can imagine how I know this.

          1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
            Childcatcher

            Re: @ Colin Miller (was: Sympathy...)

            It's not water soluble at all. All water does is spread it around.

            Water can in fact be useful. Take about a half-mouthful of ice water into your mouth and let it sit on your tongue for a short while and then spit. Do not swish it around! This will allow a good portion of the oils that are burning your mouth-hole to float off. Follow that up with a rinse of the above listed dairy products and life will improve somewhat.

            Shax, don't let it get you down. You can do it, no matter what the ER doctor said!

        2. Marshalltown

          Re: Sympathy...

          Heh, the oil DOES help, until later.

    2. Kane Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Sympathy...

      "no amount of water quenching the flames"

      Rookie mistake.

  2. Nigel Brown

    Only half the story

    What about the following morning, shall we tactfully call it the 'exit plan'?

    1. joeW Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Only half the story

      The best exit strategy in these situations is to put a pack of baby wipes in the fridge the night before, and bring them with you for your morning crap.

      Source - ate a naga jolokia on a dare last week.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Only half the story

        Strangely enough, the wife & I have never experienced the supposed "exit pain", despite being serious chiliheads. (We grow Ghosts & Scorpions here.)

        1. EddieD

          Re: Only half the story

          After many a year seeking out the strongest Scotch bonnets and Thai chillies, I now prefer just a modicum in my meals.

          And this always gives me pause for thought

          http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-15183070

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Only half the story

            And this always gives me pause for thought

            http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-15183070

            "The owners owe a debt to the ambulance service, and I hope they'll find some way of making it up to them."

            Maybe offer them a free curry or two?

        2. Paul Woodhouse

          Re: Only half the story

          lucky sods, I'm the other way round, I can eat anything and at worst get a mild sweat on... the day after though.... oh my God... I once passed out and woke up on the bog floor...

      2. ClammyLammy
        Stop

        Re: Only half the story

        Don't flush baby wipes!

        You'll run the risk of blocked drains, they're not meant to go down there. Andrex however do 'Washlets' which are flushable (1 or 2 at a time).

        If you flush normal wipes and your drains block and back-up causing untold and unpleasant grief, which I've seen more times than I care to mention, your household insurance won't cover it due to the 'misuse' clause. Not only that but some insurers (RSA for example) will also count it as a claim on your history even though they did nothing.

        I know this because for the last few years I've been a technical manager for various drainage companies specialising in insurance work.

      3. Fungus Bob Silver badge

        Re: Only half the story

        "The best exit strategy in these situations is to put a pack of baby wipes in the fridge the night before, and bring them with you for your morning crap."

        You haven't really had The Screamers until you've had to plant your ass in a snowbank to extinguish the burn.

        Don't ask how I know - there is a restraining order.

    2. Shax
      Happy

      Re: Only half the story

      The following morning was quite un-eventful.. Frozen khasi roll not needed!!! ;-)

    3. Qu Dawei

      Re: Only half the story

      The Pacific Ring of Fire undergoes a sudden, multiple, eruption.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I did a whole Bhut Jolokia

    from Tatton Park a few years ago.

    Let me tell you this, it is NOT an experience I care to repeat and as someone who can handle Vindaloo and phall I don't say that lightly.

    Lignocaine did NOT quell the pain, made my gob numb but did fuck all to stop the thermite reaction going on in my mouth...For 20 minutes I could see through time......

    Milk provides immediate but very very temporary relief (20 seconds).

    I am pleased to report that my arse did not end up like the business end of the bat mobile... Which was nice...

    Growing some Trinidad Scorpions atm.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: I did a whole Bhut Jolokia

      The best mouth extinguisher I have found is Cointreau, neat. For some reason it kills the heat stone dead.

      It may ignite though- perhaps I've been lucky so far...

      Does nothing for the other end.

    2. ISYS
      Thumb Up

      Re: I did a whole Bhut Jolokia

      'business end of the bat mobile' - haha brilliant.

      My other favourite is 'arsehole like the Japanese flag'

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: I did a whole Bhut Jolokia

        I tried part of one and as someone who likes spicy foods that was enough, it was an achievement to keep my face from showing its effects long enough to say to my friend "Noo its not that bad, try some"

        He forgot to wash his hands before visiting the lav as well.

  4. chivo243 Silver badge
    Flame

    Nooooo

    No ketchup please, maybe a spot of yogurt would have helped cool the fire. Ketchup is for fries/chips/frites depending on your location. And maybe a hamburger... never on a hotdog!

    Flames icon for obvious reasons...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  5. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip
    Pint

    BEER!

    More beer is surely the best retardant for the capsaicin inferno! Trivia fact of the day birds are completely immune to the effects of chilies.

    1. TechnoTechno

      Re: BEER!

      As is my youngest cat, who has been caught numerous times exiting stage left with whole chillies I've been drying out, and scoffing the lot. Scoffed some of my hard grown Habaneros without blinking.

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: BEER!

        I had three cats at one point, one who had grown up in a shared house of six lads who loved curries. When I moved in with the missus and acquired two more cats that one would sit there happily eating anything spicy, one would look at me in disgust, and the other would wolf down anything as was its nature then empty the water bowl.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: BEER!

        Quick tip of the day. If your bird feeders are getting hammered by tree rats (squirrells), sprinkle a bit of chilli powder, cayanne pepper or some other powdered hot spice into the bird feed. Stops the squizzers from eating the bird food!!!

  6. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Lester...

    You forgot the eggs in the ingredients!

    How many eggs, man, how many? This is important!

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Lester...

      Three. I refer you to the original masala omelette recipe.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        Re: Lester...

        I thank you!

        May I include a *much tamer* version of this in the book we discussed?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lhassi/Lassi

    Not often on the menu, but any Indian restaurant can make them. They come sweet or sour, but I've only ever had the sweet (usually Mango).

    It's a yoghurt based drink, optionally served with crushed ice.

    The active ingredient in chillis is oil-based, so needs something oily to wash it down - which Lassi is perfect for.

    The fact that it's not on the menu, but you know to ask for it isn't lost on your dining companion ;)

    1. WraithCadmus
      Flame

      Re: Lhassi/Lassi

      so needs something oily to wash it down - which Lassi is perfect for.

      Does kulfi work the same way? I'd imagine the drop in temperature might provide respite until the dairy can do its work.

      Icon: Johnny Cash

    2. Kubla Cant Silver badge

      Re: Lhassi/Lassi

      Unfortunately most yoghurts are low-fat. Even if your lassi is made with full-fat yoghurt, it probably won't have much more fat than the equivalent quantity of milk.

      Interesting to read about the noxious vapours released when this omelette was cooking. Although I only use fairly mild chillies I've found that even gentle frying causes them to release a vapour that causes discomfort, so I've taken to adding them at the end.

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: Lhassi/Lassi

        If you walk through food areas in markets in chilli loving countries the vapour is really noticeable, there's a couple of recipes as well that you have to roast to almost burning the chillies as part of a paste, don't do it in a small room.

    3. Richard Altmann
      Angel

      Re: Lhassi/Lassi

      Have a Bhang Lhassi 30mins before you order your spicy dish and you smile at everything that comes after. Downside: It´s only legal in Nepal or you might find it in select coffee shops in A´dam.

  8. jake Silver badge

    "Carolina Reapers, rated at 1,569,300"

    One wonders how TGBOWR figure out their ratings.

    My Trinidad Moruga "Scorpion" peppers top out at 1.8 Million SHUs, as tested by the food science boffins at UC Davis. In theory, they can go over 2 million SHUs, I suspect I'm babying them too much. Peppers need stress to develop maximum heat. I believe the Carolina Reaper can go up to 2.2 million SHUs in the right conditions, I haven't tried growing them (yet, I'm starting from seed in the next week).

    Tonight's chow at the Ranch included a large pot (12 quarts) of black beans spiced up with the last four of last year's fresh Scorpions[1]. Hot, yes ... but also nice & fruity :-)

    [1] The rest have been dehydrated for use over the winter.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Carolina Reapers, rated at 1,569,300"

      Tonight's chow at the Ranch included a large pot (12 quarts) of black beans spiced up with the last four of last year's fresh Scorpions

      Well, something had to explain jake, now we know.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: "Carolina Reapers, rated at 1,569,300"

        Hey, I was feeding 18 adults. Knock it off on the highschool humor, AC, it doesn't become you.

        The remainder made an awesome batch of frijoles refritos (proper refritos, with wild-boar lard).

  9. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    If plants could think...

    You'd have to wonder how amused they might be; all that time developing organic poisons so only the right thing (birds?) eats them to distribute the seeds... and some bloody ambitious monkey comes along and actually likes the taste!

    (On the other hand, there are probably a lot more pepper plants living in luxury than there would be if those same monkeys weren't quite so fond of them.)

  10. ukgnome

    Semi Skinned?

    That's no good whatsoever - you need full fat, preferably gold top. A higher fat content is what is required.

    Of course the correct thing is to squeeze limes straight into your gob hole and have the neutralising effect of citric acid help wash away those fire daemons. You could go for vinegar too, but thats just unpleasant - effect though.

    1. GreggS

      Re: Semi Skinned?

      That's probably what his backside will be when it comes out the other end!

  11. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Is this just pure masochism.

    I've not yet tried the Reaper but is it worth it? Since your not eating it neat then 4 times as much scotch bonnets would add a bloody nice flavour and the same amount (density?) of heat. Bhut Jolokia also has a nice flavour but more savoury that the sweet/umami of a bonnet so perhaps not so good for a breakfast omelette.

    I've had some 'pointless' hot chillies - containing just heat and no more flavour than a US hot pepper sauce but you can be macho and gastronomic at the same time and I've eaten jerk pork with a much higher scoville count that that omellete that I'd go back for seconds of without mates to egg me on.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    During cooking, the vapours were really noxious

    Reminds me of when I threw some chili powder onto a frying pan of onions, it was an unknown brand someone had given me and the packet said extra hot, I naturally thought this was just to get you to buy it over a different brand. As soon as it hit the pan there was a nuclear mushroom cloud of chili vapour that not only got in my eyes but was also breathed in, that hurt. Ever since I've use a full face mask when trying new variants.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: During cooking, the vapours were really noxious

      > As soon as it hit the pan there was a nuclear mushroom cloud of chili vapour that not only got in my eyes but was also breathed in, that hurt.

      It's a capsaicin aerosol propelled into the air. This is more commonly known as "pepper spray"...

      My learning experience involved a stir fry, a bottle of Antiguan hot sauce and a great deal of screaming.

  13. Colin Miller

    actually post-pub?

    Would our gallant reporter have noticed the heat if he was well-oiled from his local taberna?

    Well, not until the next morning…

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: actually post-pub?

      I can't report on how many ales Shax had quaffed previously. Not enough, evidently.

      1. Shax
        Happy

        Re: actually post-pub?

        I had zero, nada, fuckall in the way of alcoholic beverages...

        All I had was semi skimmed milk... No full fat in the fridge.. Slight logistical error on my part!

  14. cray74

    Fire in the hole!

    Holy shit. For comparison, Tobasco is about 5000-6000 Scoville. I've won 5 chili contests at work in the "hottest" category because I use a 7.1 million Scoville extract ("The Source") and add a few small drips per kettle. Really: the 1-ounce vial comes with a dipstick to get the thick extract from the bottle and I use a fork tine to get a tiny amount off that, mix it into a bowl of hot water, then spread that evenly into the entire kettle. My chili has made people swear off the contest (okay, one person, but she wept and made me feel like a bad human) and that vial has lasted me 5 years.

    And you put 2 Carolina Reapers in a small omelet? That's not spicy fun, that's just pain.

    http://www.joshclark.com/blog/Images/blog/toilet_fire.jpg

  15. launcap Silver badge
    Stop

    Waste of garam massala..

    .. when combined with something that'll nuke your taste receptors..

    In fact, it's a bit of a waste eating *anything* with something that nukes your taste receptors.

    Bit like trying to listen to quiet classical music while standing next to the speaker cabs at an AC/DC gig.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Helium no longer cutting it?

    Low Orbit Chilli Assisted Shax Shackleton.

    "I didn't realise you were building a skylight in the khazi"

    "We're not"

    "Where's Shax?"

    "According to the GPS on his phone, somewhere over Austin, and still climbing.."

  17. Misky
    Devil

    Blair's 6 A.M.

    Having played the "who bottles it first" going up the scale of extreme chilli tasting, I did get to Blair's 6 A.M. I can honestly say I didn't just go blind, I actually went deaf trying this stuff. I kid you not, I actually had ringing in my ears for about 5 minutes! If you don't believe me, give it a go. Your body literally goes into shock and start to close down non-vital senses. I can also say I have no intentions of trying the hyper rare Blair's 16 Million Reserve…

  18. fearnothing

    I washed my hands three times after cutting up some bird eye chilli. Then I went to put in contact lenses.

    It took me over 15 minutes to extract the one I'd put in due to how much my eyelid had swollen.

  19. Shax

    Weel peeps, the Reapers went down great.. Extreme heat, but strangely, I could actually taste the spices used.. Might have something to do with having used dried reapers..

    No burning on exit either, just some major bubbling, with the use of the khasi prebooked, just in case!!

  20. skeptical i
    Pint

    Tequila.

    The wisdom imparted to me is to quench the fire either with real (i.e., full fat) dairy products, and/or with alcohol (solvent). Beer is of course lovely, but is mostly water so spiritous liquors are called for. Also, some chilis (like jalapenos) create "afterburn" (great Batmobile imagery, cornz!) while other chilis (reportedly habaneros) do not.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The curry equivalent to willy-waving

    I enjoy curries, but I wonder what is the point of ruining a good dish with chillis so hot they cause extreme discomfort. I think it's just a curry-fiend's equivalent of willy-waving, or the spicy equivalent of those HiFi nerds who go about how fantastic their audio equipment is that they lose track of the music they are supposed to listen to through them.

    "Look, my willy's bigger than yours". "Look my chilli is more spicy than yours"

    Give me a break!

    1. Swarthy
      Flame

      Re: The curry equivalent to willy-waving

      Just be careful to wash your hands between cutting the chillis and waving the willy.

  22. A K Stiles Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Not just willy-waving

    This time last year my cousin came to visit, who likes his chilli at around the same level as I do.

    We ordered a couple of takeaway curries - one vindaloo and one naga. After a bit of a taste test we decided to split them 50/50 - the vindaloo had a lovely sour fruity quality, whilst the naga was a rounded, earthy sort of flavour. Absolutely beautiful and aided by nothing more than a small beer during consumption.

    Next morning I was convinced I'd not washed my hands properly due to the burning sensation when I peed, until the next time I went to pee and ensured there was no contact with the sensitive fleshy parts, and still the burning came - from the inside!!

    This was later confirmed by my cousin as the first time either of us had experienced such a thing - strangely though, no Jonny Cash effect was apparent.

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