back to article Go festive this year with Christmas carols, baby Jesus and CLITORAL STIMULATORS

Taking my place in the boardroom for the weekly “sit-down” meeting, I make a faux pas: I try to make polite conversation. In my defence, I claim temporary confusion due to a mix-up with the more casual weekly “stand-up” meeting, which is held in another room but otherwise attended by precisely the same people who are now sitting …

  1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    You sir, are a freak. =-D

    You mention your mom & vibrators in the same conversation?

    *Dies laughing*

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: You sir, are a freak. =-D

      I think it is called the Oedipus complex

      1. Christoph Silver badge

        Re: You sir, are a freak. =-D

        Oedipus Schmoedipus - who cares, so long as he loves his mother?

        1. Infernoz Bronze badge

          Re: You sir, are a freak. =-D

          I love The Adams Family references :D

  2. Pete 47

    Black Friday - for the love of eveything holy kill it with fire, now!

    please

    1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      Re: Black Friday - for the love of eveything holy kill it with fire, now!

      We've been trying since 1992:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buy_Nothing_Day

  3. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Love the video!

    That's how to properly 'celebrate' thanksgiving

  4. jake Silver badge

    So-called "black friday" ...

    Is a marketing meme which should have been forgotten before it was invented.

    Idiots trying to leverage the phrase into racism should be giggled at, pointed at, laughed at, and generally derided for being the idiots that they are.

    1. Philanthropic Philanderer

      Re: So-called "black friday" ...

      lever

    2. mrjobby
      Headmaster

      "Leverage" ...

      Is a marketing meme which should have been forgotten before it was invented.

      It's not a verb.

      <sighs>

  5. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Email

    By Wednesday I'd added the phrase to my filters - send to junk, of course.

  6. Mike Flex

    "while sticking very real broom handles up their arses in private"

    Followed by a trip to A&E to remove said handle. "Oh, I was just getting ready for bed when I spotted some dust but unfortunately tripped when cleaning it up."

    If you're in A&E and need to borrow a pen check if it's come from the "removed items" drawer.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: "while sticking very real broom handles up their arses in private"

      An ex-girlfriend was a medical secretary in a large South London teaching hospital in the '70s; they had an 'insertion incident 'book that ran to a couple of hundred pages.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "while sticking very real broom handles up their arses in private"

        ...and all for the same person.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My present budget for this year will go to the company who avoids playing moronic xmas music over their tannoy.

    1. glen waverley

      relevant music

      Some years ago one of the major supermarket chains here in Oz had the typical high rotation christmas themed pop tunes and carols playing in their shops. But somehow Greg Lake's I Believe in Father Christmas was on the tape. Amused me.

      1. glen waverley

        Re: relevant music

        And while I'm reminiscing, one of the malls nearby used to play the seasonal music with no lyrics to distract shoppers. I always had a smile to myself when I heard The Red Flag. But I suspect they thought they were playing O Christmas Tree.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      I gather than that any in-store shopping will be out of the question then? I like that plan.

    3. Trainee grumpy old ****

      My present budget for this year will go to the company who avoids playing moronic xmas music over their tannoy.

      A very good filter - probably excludes 99.999% of all tat (and even non-tat) purveyors.

    4. KA1AXY

      My musical preference

      Haven't heard it yet...still hopeful

      http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qTx-sdR6Yzk

      // same old, started weeks ago in Boston...

  8. Alistair Dabbs

    Black Friday

    So what's Blue Monday?

    1. Eddy Ito

      Re: Black Friday

      Hmm, let's see, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Goodshop Sunday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, WTF Wednesday, Trying Thursday, Fuck This Friday, ah yes, there it is, Blue Monday. Oh my, got a bit to wait don't we. No worries, time flies like a boomerang so it will hit you in the back of the head before you know it.

    2. Martin Budden Bronze badge
      Trollface

      Re: Black Friday

      It's a song by New Order. Sheesh, kids these days.

      1. Eddy Ito
        Childcatcher

        Re: Black Friday

        Hey, I had a 50/50 chance but I'm with you on the kids these days as I wonder myself about all this newfangled synthpop silliness. Whatever happened to the likes of Ralph Vaughan Williams or you know, music?

  9. Alistair Dabbs

    Durex TV ad

    The 'dual screen' Duex TV ad is on YouTube here: http://youtu.be/yWu3Z30LEjM

  10. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Unhappy

    Slowly but surely...

    The marketing droids are bringing Roy Wood's wish to fruition...

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: Slowly but surely...

      Yes, it's surprising how many people don't hear the intro of a cash register working.

      Noddy Holder usually says his little tune pays for a decent holiday each year.

      1. Martin Budden Bronze badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: Slowly but surely...

        Good for him, that little tune is just about the only xmas jingle I can bear to hear.

  11. Infernoz Bronze badge

    I suggest Blue Monday is for what the rabid shoppers look like after beating up each other for discounted Chinese and other slave worker tat on Black Friday.

  12. illiad

    HAHAHA... laugh all the desperate people oop north!!! LOL

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-30251200

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25161829

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30241459

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      desperate people

      It has nothing to do with poverty. Genuinely poor and homeless people will queue at a soup trailer and await their turn for food parcels. But it's not greed, either. It's that they've been fooled into thinking consumerism is an end in itself. They all own TVs already but the dual thought that (1) they can buy a new TV at a discount and (2) there is a limited number of these discounted TVs sends the consumerist into an acquisition frenzy. Even if they are lucky and get one of the bargain TVs, they'll soon find it's an old or unpopular stock-clearance model and will be lucky to get their money back even by selling it on eBay.

      1. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: desperate people

        Perhaps it's just me but I'd never manage to buy a TV like that anyway, I'd be bludgeoned to death with it by the hordes while looking up reviews and downloading the manual on my phone to see if it does what I want.

  13. Irony Deficient

    Apart from that, he doesn’t do impressions.

    Alistair, perhaps you’d meant Apart from that and “Well, hot-dang, hoo-whee and yeefuckinghar”, he doesn’t do impressions.? (I’d recommend -haw rather than -har for more effective rootin’-tootin’-ness.)

    1. Darryl

      Re: Apart from that, he doesn’t do impressions.

      No, just as a proper Englishman, he doesn't pronounce the W in a word that ends in W, replacing it with an R instead.

      1. Irony Deficient

        Re: Apart from that, he doesn’t do impressions.

        Darryl, do proper Englishmen pronounce “flaw” as “flar”?

  14. Dr Scrum Master

    Ah, progress.

    Yes, we now have to wait for projector screens to descend and ascend gracefully rather than flying at falcon-like speed at the tug of a cord.

  15. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Alert

    Next week

    last week: autonomous vehicles

    this week: sex toys

    next week: autonomous sex toys?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Next week

      So you can surf the web while they get you to your destination?

  16. Dan 55 Silver badge

    As you're a journalist I'm surprised your first port of call wasn't Wikipedia

    "The day's name originated in Philadelphia, PA, where it originally was used to describe the heavy and disruptive pedestrian and vehicle traffic that would occur on the day after Thanksgiving.[6][7] Use of the term started before 1961 and began to see broader use outside Philadelphia around 1975."

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Friday_(shopping)

    So those people trampling over each other buying things they don't need are really pagans celebrating traffic accidents. I find that the more credible explanation as only Oxfam would operate a business where you only break even after the first 11 months of every financial year.

    1. Martin Budden Bronze badge

      Re: As you're a journalist I'm surprised your first port of call wasn't Wikipedia

      Thank fuck there is still at least one journalist who *doesn't* use Wikipedia as a first port of call.

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: As you're a journalist I'm surprised your first port of call wasn't Wikipedia

      That doesn't make sense. Journalists are not allowed to use Wikipedia, unless they can come up with the same information on at least two correlating sites that themselves haven't just been copied off Wikipedia too. In fact, if it's on Wikipedia, the information is immediately suspect.

  17. Fihart

    A bit rich...

    An IT bod complaining about pointless tech-complication. Ever since encountering a Teasmade (or Teasmaid ?) and a cheap pair of binoculars with a transistor radio built in, I have been less than convinced of the convenience of combi-products and similar technology. Personal Computers are (and Mobile Phones have become) pinnacles of combi-ness.

    On techie site, of all places, I find a writer advocating devices that just do one thing well -- in this case the light switch. What next here, the return of the dedicated word processor ?

    Incidentally, Black Friday (more like a Grey Monday) at local Sainsbury featured only one line that caught my eye. Some spectacularly cheap tellies (32inch for £89 or 40inch for £149) labelled with one of the several brands of the gloriously named Universal Multimedia Corporation of Bratislava. Helpfully, one of these sets was running -- directly next to a Panasonic. A glance showed that you get what you pay for.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: A bit rich...

      How dare you criticise! I have a teasmade, and it is the finest device known to man! It awakens me with life-giving tea. Usually after I've slept through the other alarm. Although it can be a bit of a shock to the system to hear what sounds like a jet engine switching on mere inches from my ear, as I try to eke the last few precious seconds of slumber out of the morning.

      I will suffer no criticism of this wonderful and humanitarian invention. At least until I'm rich enough to employ a butler to bring me tea in the morning. Well, if I can afford a butler, let's make that afternoon...

      1. TeeCee Gold badge

        Re: A bit rich...

        I found that the snag with a Teasmade is that part of the process involves having a small jug of milk sitting next to it.

        Milk has a nasty habit of objecting to being kept at room temperature for seven or so hours....

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: A bit rich...

          TeeCee,

          One of the teasmades on Amazon (when I bought mine) came with a little stainless steel thermos jug for the milk. Or you can buy those nasty pods of UHT stuff (or even just a little glass bottle of UHT), if you're not too choosy.

          This was the reason I didn't buy a teasmade years ago. But I've been taking my tea black for a couple of years now.

          The other, surprisingly nice, option is to go for fruit teas. The objection to these is that they smell far nicer than they actually taste. Which is even before someone has questioned your manhood. It's actaully really nice to wake up to the whole bedroom smelling of raspberries. And I rather like the refreshing first mug of fruit tea, as a nice palette cleanser, giving me the required fortitude to face getting up and schlepping to the kitchen to make a pot of the real thing.

          Twinings fruit teas are disappointingly tasteless. You have to leave the bag in for about ten minutes, then they start to become harsh, before they've even developed much of a flavour. Whereas Sainsbury's fruit teas are cheaper, and much fruitier. You can take the bag out after a couple of minutes, and they've achieved a nice strong fruity taste. I haven't got round to trying any others yet.

        2. Stoneshop Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: A bit rich...

          I found that the snag with a Teasmade is that part of the process involves having a small jug of milk sitting next to it.

          This is the only worthwhile application for those soft-drink-can sized peltier refrigerators.

    2. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: A bit rich...

      Ever since encountering a Teasmade (or Teasmaid ?) and a cheap pair of binoculars with a transistor radio built in, I have been less than convinced of the convenience of combi-products and similar technology.

      Well, a lot of combined products indeed do their best to combine the worst aspects of their constituent parts, but not so the Teasmade. It allows one to be woken gently by the chirping sounds of its gears, not unlike bird twitter, some time before it's set to start brewing tea. This is so you can fully enjoy the auditory and olfactory aspects of that process, and allow yourself more time to change from sleeping mode to ready-to-ingest-tea mode.

  18. Jambo Widetrousers
    Pint

    NTNOCN FTW...

    Spot on Dabbsy, loving the Pamela Stephenson reference:

    "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Captain Wang and his crew welcome you aboard flight 1203 to Los Angeles.

    We hope you’ll have a pleasant flight and that we don’t encounter any turbulence and crash the plane.

    For your own safety and convenience please locate the instruction card in the seat pocket in front of you. It is situated between the crumpled magazine with the Robert Morley interviews and the piece of orange peel. We would like to stress that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, any attempt to escape from the aircraft is futile.

    Please fasten your safety belt and extinguish your cigarette, shame though it is to waste your last one. When disaster strikes there may be a slight loss of cabin pressure, and a reduction in the number of wings. In this event, a plastic mask will automatically drop down. Place it over your nose and pull hard to release the oxygen. Then attempt to fit the broken cord back into the hole from which the air is now pouring.

    Please note that your lifejacket is under your seat. It is impossible to get it out, particularly with your seatbelt on, so we have one already prepared here. Place it over your head and tie the straps around you. To inflate pull the green tag, press the yellow button, unzip the toggle pocket, unscrew the air valve anticlockwise and yell “inflate you stupid bugger”.

    Next, remove from your person any sharp objects, such as fragments of red-hot engine casing, and make your way to the escape routes. These are situated over the wings so you people there, there and there have absolutely no chance and we apologise for having wasted your time.

    Well enough of this maudlin talk. This has been your chief stewardess speaking, and demonstrating the regulations was Lola, who’s a right little strumpet and willing to oblige you in any way at all. Captain Wang and his crew wish you a very short and pleasant flight."

    Damn, can't find it on YouTube!

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: NTNOCN FTW...

      Well done, Jambo. I was thinking about this precise sketch while writing those words. I used to own the LP.

    2. ChrisBedford

      Re: NTNOCN FTW...

      "Damn, can't find it on YouTube"

      Oh well - will this do?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPuRA1rZuTA

      Never knew Kim Wilde had a comedy side.

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