Touch This! (i.e., usage)
Based on the Burberry(s) connection, I had assumed Ms. Ahrendts to be English, or at least British. I was all set to lament how this was "Another blow to my illusions of British superiority" (in use of the English language).
However, it turns out she was born and raised in the United States (specifically, Indiana). Which makes her brazen illiteracy somewhat less of a surprise.*
It's bad enough that she does not know the difference between the verbs serve and service. (Are children raised in the American Midwest no longer familiar with the basics — and basic terminology — of animal husbandry?) Her figurative — or not? — use of the verb touch almost suggests that she was deliberately engaging in one long double-entendre.
In any event, in the face of this combination of factors, I consider the puerile/infantile/prurient/titillating aspects of this first story to be entirely her doing rather than Jasper Hamhill's or El Reg's.
It's a shame when literate staff** must serve an illiterate master.*** Or mistress. Especially since — for all I know — she might even be quite good (language difficulties aside) in her chosen field of marketing.
* On the other hand, it makes her receipt of an honorary doctorate of Humane Letters (!) rather puzzling. And embarrassing for Ball State University, her alma mater.
** Absent evidence to the contrary, I must assume that at least some of Apple's retail staff know the difference between serve and service.
*** Cf. the burden of Microsoft employees serving under Satya Nadella, who is as jargon-prone as his immediate predecessor, and who does not seem to know the meaning of the word "first".