back to article The Apple Watch and CROTCH RUBBING. How are they related?

We would know when Peter had scored the night before because he’d walk into the office rubbing his crotch. The “lucky” girl to have been the subject of his special favours would invariably trot in a few paces behind, beaming smugly at her colleagues. These were the 1980s. Today everyone is obsessed with arses – Miley Cyrus’s …

  1. Disgruntled Grunt

    Friday afternoon?

    I'm sure there is a reason for the later publishing and I still enjoy the article, however if possible can we get this back on a Friday afternoon? It was always a very pleasant read on the weekend wind down while being paid to while away the last few hours.

    I almost feel like I'm cheating myself reading this at the weekend.

    All of the above is in good humour, though quite serious :)

    1. ukgnome

      Re: Friday afternoon?

      Erm it's the weekend edition, it's like the register but on a weekend. There was a memo, if you didn't get the memo then you obviously don't stop by enough.

      1. Trevor_Pott Gold badge

        Re: Friday afternoon?

        " There was a memo"

        ...disused lavatory....beware of leopard...

        1. Anonymous Custard

          Re: Friday afternoon?

          I'm still in two minds whether it's better as a Friday wind-down work avoidance device, or a Monday morning one to get me going before trying to get back into it all again. This Dabbie on a Sunday concept is still odd though, I mean who wants to avoid doing stuff on their own time (or could get away with it when applied to SWMBO rather than your work-boss)?

          Generally I agree Friday is preferrable, although could perhaps be alleviated if Simon was a bit more regular in BOFH output. Any chance Mr D?

          Or at least change the title from "Something for the weekend" to "Something on the weekend"?

  2. chivo243 Silver badge

    Unforgettable Fire...

    You nailed that one Mr. Dabbs, I can't name any later U2 albums. I mean album too. Maybe it's just our age showing!

  3. Mage Silver badge


    I've heard of YouTube.

    Remote controls are free and a replacement is under £20. I agree mostly with the sentiment ...


    1) Needs to run a week between charges not one day

    2) Needs to be under £50

    Apple have lost the plot.

    If I'm honest I seem to remember something called the Joshua Tree

    1. goldcd

      Pebble's nearly there

      Think it needs a charge about every 4 days, costs $99ish etc.

      Nowhere near as feature rich as all these current phones - but does what I want.

      Buzzes when I have a meeting and tells me what it is, lets me control my launch music players and control them as I walk about. Tells me who's calling and lets me answer/ignore etc etc.

      It's by no means perfect, but to me at least, scope of what it's trying to do is about right.

      I think my main issue with current gen is that I refuse to 'talk' to my watch. I'm getting old, aren't I?

      1. DropBear

        Re: Pebble's nearly there

        I'm getting old, aren't I?

        No, you just haven't watched enough Knight Rider - especially now when Google might actually give you a car that might actually show up and pick you up...

        Anyway, jokes aside - I'm no fan of talking to stuff either; tapping is way more discreet, I have no desire to advertise to all and sundry what I'm doing with my smartphone.

        1. Adam 1

          Re: Pebble's nearly there

          >tapping is way more discreet, I have no desire to advertise to all and sundry what I'm doing with my smartphone

          Siri, listen to Rick Astley.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Pebble's nearly there

          No, you just haven't watched enough Knight Rider - especially now when Google might actually give you a car that might actually show up and pick you up...

          Audi seems to be further ahead with that one - personally, I prefer a car that assists rather than takes over.

          As for the watch, about the only innovation I saw (other than measuring heartbeat optically) was that it doesn't have the annoying buzzing vibrator, but a "knock" thing. Not sure if that is really enough to draw attention, but it's nice to have something more subtle. Not worried about price - that will settle in a few months after which I will have a look at it. It depends on what my needs at the time are.

          1. jonathanb Silver badge

            Re: Pebble's nearly there

            I want a car that can take me to the door, then find a parking space by itself, and come back to pick me up when I summon it.

            1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

              Re: Pebble's nearly there

              >I want a car that can take me to the door, then find a parking space by itself, and come back to pick me up when I summon it.

              Also known as a teenager with a parent ?

            2. swampdog

              Re: Pebble's nearly there

              That's called "a Husband". ;-)

          2. DiViDeD

            Re: Pebble's nearly there

            ".. the only innovation I saw (other than measuring heartbeat optically)"

            You mean, the same optically that my Gear 2 has been doing for the past 6 months or so, or a special Apple meaning of optically?

        3. swampdog

          Re: Pebble's nearly there

          You're right. Talking is useless.

          Don't get me wrong. Google's speech recognition is brilliant. It'll only work properly though once they've added a feature whereby once you take that "pre google breath" your wife or mother doesn't take that as a prompt to talk.

        4. Omgwtfbbqtime

          Re: Pebble's nearly there

          Funny I was just thinking the Bluetooth in my car pretty much does that already.

          Outside of the car I can spare the attention to the phone.

          Just a question of :

          a) remembering to turn bluetooth on when I get to the car,

          b) not leaving the phone on the dash when I get out of the car.

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: U2

      No, The Joshua Tree wasn't an album. It was a multimedia marketing exercise in taking money off Americans, with its silly cowboy hats and radio-friendly pop-rock.

    3. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: U2

      >Remote controls are free and a replacement is under £20. I agree mostly with the sentiment ...

      In the early 2000s, there were $200 universal IR remote controls with touchscreens and programmable macros from the likes of Marantz...

      A mate of mine uses his tablet as a remote control for Youtube on his Playstation3. He wouldn't have bought the tablet JUST for this purpose, but it is very convenient (since entering text for searching is easier on a touchscreen than with a game controller). Another friend uses his LG G2 as an IR remote for his TV and various related boxes.

      Similarly, a remote control for phones would be handy - function not worth $350 by itself, but if it did other things too (notifications, fitness tracking etc) it begins to make more sense.

  4. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    What's going on here??

    Dabbs, what are you doing in my room!

  5. The humble print monkey


    As we all know, the finest input combination known to man, is the biro. Applied to the sole of a slipper.

    Cue the iSlouch

    And MS response based loosely on Ted Moult.

  6. Chris G


    Ahh! Aren't they one of those amusing electric jazz combos?

    This iWatch thingy is of no use to me at all as I don't have an iPhone, my phone is one of those Andrewed things. As for talking to my watch, I barely talk to people, why would I want to talk to a timepiece?

    1. tfewster

      Re: U2?

      I see the synergy there - U2 are like the iPhone: Never all that good, and hyped way beyond their true current significance. Though I actually liked the iPhone 3 & 4 until Apple buggered up the maps and IOS went all Fisher-Price.

      BTW: Miley Cyrarse? Kim Kardarshian?

  7. Unicornpiss

    I just wanted to thank you

    ...Mr. Dabbs, for brightening my day with that hilarious article.

    And I don't disagree with your observations either.

    A small observation of my own... People that wear watches expect them to work for more than a day without having to recharge them. The whole point of wearing one is convenience. When I used to wear a watch, I'd shower with it routinely because I couldn't be bothered with taking it off. I figured it and me were getting clean at the same time. No one likes the annoyance of putting a watch back on, or possibly forgetting it in the charger. If they can come up with a smart watch that will last, say, a week between charges, is more autonomous than current offerengs without a phone being in proximity, and is waterproof to boot, I'll consider it. It shouldn't be that hard... older non-smart cellphones had days or even weeks of standby time.

    1. Malcolm 1

      Re: I just wanted to thank you

      Exactly - until my two year old dropped it onto the bathroom floor, my watch ran flawlessly for 10 years without any maintenance. I'd expect any form of smart watch to last at least a week between charges before even considering it and even then I'm not all that convinced that the ability to receive and respond trivially to notifications is particularly compelling.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: I just wanted to thank you

        >No one likes the annoyance of putting a watch back on,

        I don't like the annoyance of putting on my trousers in the morning, yet I still do.

        Seriously though, nightly charging will prevent one use case for wearables - 24/7 namely heart monitoring for medical purposes. (I don't know how the accuracy of current consumer heart rate monitors compares to proper ones issues by doctors - if the consumer tech is up to scratch then I'll make the assumption that a week's worth of data is more useful to a doctor than 16 hours worth).

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: I just wanted to thank you

          "Seriously though, nightly charging will prevent one use case for wearables - 24/7 namely heart monitoring for medical purposes."

          Apple will have a solution for that. Wireless charging. Up to 3 metres. Just place the wireless charging plate on the ceiling over the bed and allow your iWatch to automatically and safely re-charge while you sleep. Bathing you in high frequency, high intensity, high power RF "radiation".

          Did you mention medical purposes?

          Coat thanks. Yes, the white one with the stethoscope in the pocket.

  8. mrvco

    The Apple Watch is an interactive stylus with the added benefit of (inevitably) being perceived as a status symbol by the look-at-me hipster-tech crowd. Prepare to be inundated by Watch-holes.

    1. silent_count

      Heh! You know what I'm waiting for? Some poor, deluded hipster who will try to get away with wearing an iWatch and a Google Glasses at the same time.

      They'll bring their wrist to face level, to talk into their iWatch, and what follows will be a blinding moment of unexpected interoperability. The Google Glasses will beam the image of the person's wrist to the iWatch's display and the iWatch will beam the image of the glasshole's face to the Google Glasses' display. At that point we've either discovered the secret to a perpetual energy loop, or an Earth-rending implosion resulting in a black hole.

  9. PJD

    Watches are for driving

    The thing that baffles me about all these recent smartwatches is I've yet to see one which capitalizes on one of the few times I'd really appreciate one - when driving. It's easy (and relatively safe) to quickly glance at your wrist when driving, whereas fumbling around with a smartphone while driving (as I can attest because I do it daily) is slighly insane. The person or company who comes up with a clever way to display context sensitive information on a wristgadget (you're en-route to a meeting - driving directions; you're within a block of the final destination - nearest parking; you're parked - floor & room number and who you're meeting..) will make out like a bandit. And if reading this inspires you to write such an app, you're welcome, and feel free to buy me a beer with your millions.

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: Watches are for driving


      What kind of car are you driving that you need to look at your wrist to tell the time?

      Every car I've owned in the last 20 years had a clock in the dash or on the radio face...

    2. swampdog

      Re: Watches are for driving

      "The thing that baffles me about all these recent smartwatches is I've yet to see one which capitalizes on one of the few times I'd really appreciate one - when driving."

      They already have. It's called the Fumbulator. It is more commonly known as "dicking about doing any old shit which doesn't relate to driving" whilst driving.

      Rant over. Actually I agree. Sorry for hijacking your post! Anything that can keep the muppet's attention on driving is a good thing(tm).

    3. DiViDeD

      Re: Watches are for driving

      Sorry to sound like a Samsung fanboi, but Gear Navigator is brilliant for navigation in the car. The map is right there in your line of sight, with enough detail to point out which way next.

      Samsung, Nokia, whatever, I can't help feeling Apple have come to the party VERY late and brought nothing new or distinctive. Apart from the usual "Ah, but Apple has done it RIGHT" we'll be hearing from the fanbois

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Watches are for driving

        Side note on cars and watches: one version of the Omega Chronostop was designed to be read on the inside of the wrist; its face was marked at 90º with respect to the strap (so the 12 o'clock marking is at 3 o'clock). This was to make it easier to read whilst driving.

        * * *

        Google and Apple announced their respective car-integration plans earlier this year - in effect, Apple's solution is to have an iDevice drive an integrated dashboard display, whereas Google's is based on a stand-alone car-based Android module.

  10. DerekCurrie
    Thumb Down

    This article was published because WHY?

    Moving along to something worth reading...

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: This article was published because WHY?

      It was published with the sole intention of annoying YOU, Derek. Just you, no-one else. Feel free to come back any time and read it again if you wish to be annoyed further.

    2. swampdog

      Moving along to something worth reading...

      Like the tattoos on my [insert word here]?

  11. Trainee grumpy old ****

    At least on the bright side

    Apple giving away an album is probably the first world problem to end all first world problems. You wouldn't know it for all wailing and gnashing though.

    (Neither a U2 fan nor a fanboi)

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: At least on the bright side

      First world problems, quite:

  12. SkippyBing

    Half Man Half Biscuit

    Now if Apple had gone with them I might have risked reinstalling iTunes. HMHB was the title of my A level history dissertation on Garibaldi, I'm not sure my teacher got the reference...

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Half Man Half Biscuit

      In an alternative world, Apple could have done this by mistake, inviting U2 to perform but accidentally releasing HMHB's 'Achtung Bono' album to the world.

  13. swampdog

    Kim Kardashian’s arse

    Another great article Alistair but I got sidetracked from the off.

    I can't understand why people are attracted by it. Who/what is this thing/feature which haunts my screen? Pixel 102@408 is more attractive than that & at least it's arse fits on my display.

    Oh, the iWatch. Bet's for how long it will be before before someone posts a vid of a reciprocal but lonely nature?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Kim Kardashian’s arse

      "Another great article Alistair but I got sidetracked from the off."

      Arrgggg!!!! You made me google. I need mind bleach. That is one fat, fugly arse. She looks pear shaped. and unnatural.

      Mind you, despite never having seen the TV show, when it first appeared on my radar I assumed it was another Star Trek spin off. Fortunately, I found out what it was before I was tempted to watch. Those photos appear to be showing the location of the shuttle bay.

  14. Chris G


    This has rounded corners and does a few things similar to the iWatch for less than $70 (by a cent) plus the battery lasts 21 days allegedly.

    Still don't want one though.

  15. Dr_N

    Phone Cameras...

    ... seem to add about 10 years comparing those shots with your byline photo, Mr Dabbs.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Phone Cameras...

      Ah now there is a journalistic tradition for outdated byline photos to which I am simply adhering out of professional conformity.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Phone Cameras...

        Indeed there is such a tradition... Private Eye magazine often calls out the journos with the most outdated byline photos.

        1. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: Phone Cameras...

          And to be fair, I hadn't shaved for a couple of days, I hadn't brushed what's left of my hair, let alone gelled it, and the photos were taken in my kitchen at 4.30am. You may have noticed that I'm still wearing pyjamas.

  16. Annoyed Grunt

    Excellent article. Youve managed to cheer up my usually dull lhr terminal 5 suicide provoking waiting time.

    More of these I say!

  17. SoaG

    So basically...

    ...the iWatch is just an undersized PlayBook with a wristband attached.

  18. herman Silver badge


    I got one of these incredible, new fangled, self winding, mechanical watches. Most geeks cannot fathom how it works. They think there are magical little fairies inside pushing the gears around. It tells the time. Approximately, plus or minus a few minutes per day. That is all. It doesn't do email, twitter, facebook, google, outlook, or anything that needs an internet connection. It doesn't even need a NTP server. Being a few minutes this way or that, is not a problem either. Since I'm the one that calls the meetings, it is everyone else that is always late, not me - tardy bastards...

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Time

      How are you getting on with that EMP cannon you're building in your shed, herman?

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Watch the whole two hour Apple event

    Watch the whole two hour Apple event, or skip to 1:44 for the U2 performance. "Cradle Of Filth", a bit derivative of Black Sabbath in their occult phase, "Half Man Half Biscuit", how very mildly amusing off-color lyrics ..

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Watch the whole two hour Apple event

      >> how very mildly amusing

      I absolutely MUST print that endorsement on the back of my book.

  20. Yugguy

    Should have gone with The MACC LADS

    I'd have loved to have seen Sweaty Betty ringing out on that shiny stage.

  21. Any mouse Cow turd

    I didn't think iTunes did albums..

    I've yet to manage to iTunes to behave in a manner which matches my physical music collection. You know, sorted by artist, then album, then track sequence as decided by the artist/producer. And don't get me started on the shitty compilation smashing algorithm that distributes tracks across my hard drive in random locations only understandable by drugged up hipsters high on overpriced espresso.

    I don't think I've claimed my "free" U2 album yet but there collection of tracks scattered in series of folders organised by 3rd backing vocalist and studio tea boy....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ...and after alllllllllll..... you're my wonderwaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

      I had a similar problem a while back with compilation albums as well. It is- or at least was- possible to configure it to keep compilations together (IIRC it was something to do with selecting sort/order by album artist / name instead of song artist).

      Didn't solve the pointless situation where you have a track obtained from some arbitrary compilation as a means to an end (e.g. Oasis' "Wonderwall" from "The Most Turgid, Overrated, 90s Dirge Ballads... Ever!") and have no plans to acquire the rest of it; it'll still show the cover and treat it at part of a single-track "album" you don't really own (along with countless other "albums" you only have one track from), until you remove the relevant info from the MP3/AAC file.

      Haven't really used iTunes since my old iPod Nano's battery died, anyway.

  22. earl grey


    Was that pre-legal or post-legal? Erm, not that i know anything about any of that; or who she is; or what she does; or anything at all... yeah, that's it...I didn't really post here today.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Traci?

      I only gave her as an example because that's the only pornstar I could name from the 1980s, and THAT'S only because I found out when she had a small part in 'Cry Baby'.

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