back to article Alien Ninja Fembot Pirates vs the Jedi SAS Chuck Norris startroopers: RUMBLE

So we're finally ready: it's time to bring down the mighty hammer of Big Data on the invulnerable nut of knowledge that has remained uncracked by a million arguments in pubs. That is, who would win in a fight: Ninjas, Hot Vampires With Guns, Humdrum Vampires, the SAS and SEAL Team Six, Pirates, Werewolves Which Just Turn Into …

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  2. Denarius Silver badge

    had to think for a sec there

    Book Starship troopers or Predators ? Both armed, skilled and violent. Unlike the others also self constrained by a system of ethics. Hmm, is there a movie planned ? I call it a close contest in this highly imaginary context.

    1. James Micallef Silver badge

      Re: had to think for a sec there

      Book Starship troopers certainly my no. 1 and poll results seem to be leaning that way. Predators are another good mention, as are Daleks - the modern ones that fly at least.

      I'm inclined to discount any form of 'quantity over quality' (droid army, normal army, zombies etc), as any movie, video game etc ever made shows us that quality ALWAYS beats quantity.

  3. Dave Bell

    So this is the acme of combative memes?

    But just think, you could have had the originals in this game: Burton, Eastwood, and a castle full of Nazis ready to die. How can you beat that? Sure, there are some awkward mistakes — check the range of a Ju52 — but everything that follows is just a shabby imitation.

    OK, so it would be improved by Lt Schaffer teaming up with Ellen Ripley (You get Ellen Ripley and who needs Colonial Marines?). He deserves to get a girl of his own by the time the movie ends, after all the shenanigans he has had to put up with.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon

      I reckon Ellen Ripley may well be Chuck Norris' equivalent of Kryptonite.

      She even came back from the dead with acid in her blood ffs!

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  5. malle-herbert


    Since there is no alien timelord on the list I would say that the daleks could defeat any of them in no time !

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Well...

      Nah, just bring back a Tardis infused Rose Tyler, she kicked ass in the way the Dr never could, even brought Captain Jack Harkness back to life and immortality at the same time as destroying thousands of Daleks!

  6. darthsteve

    all other combatants are only alive because chuck norris hasn't got around to killing them yet.

    1. dogged

      Chuck Norris is a mad retirement-age fundie Christian who turns the other bum-cheek. My mrs could beat him in a fight.

      1. sisk

        Chuck Norris is a mad retirement-age fundie Christian who turns the other bum-cheek. My mrs could beat him in a fight.

        Half right. The real-world Chuck Norris is indeed a retirement-age fundie who advocates cheek turning. His age is a big part of why he didn't go for a seventh straight world karate championship, and that was way back when.

        That said against most real-world people my money would be on the former six time world karate champion, retirement age or not.

  7. Corinne

    I think with many of the groups it depends on who is fighting who, and whether there's any alliances going on. Daleks will likely beat plucky civilians with improvised weapons (numbers dependant of course), but I don't see them matching up to some of the advanced weaponry of e.g. Mobile Infantry or Predators. We know from the film of the same name that Predators can beat the "Aliens" aliens with the help of a Plucky Civilian or two, but would they beat them on their own and again this is number dependant.

    The thought I'm putting in to this suggests I have way too much time on my hands!

  8. D@v3

    All about numbers

    what are we talking about here, 1000 of each? more? less?

    also, is this a one on one cage match winner stays on type affair, or a full on almighty battle spanning an entire planet (or system).

    are team ups allowed? for example, all the humans (SAS, Chuck, Troopers...) team up, take out all the freaks then settle to fighting amongst themselves.....

  9. foxpak

    Known Space aliens?

    What about a clan of Pak Protectors or even just one individual protector with an agenda?

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: Known Space aliens?

      Must read before posting -

      Pak Protectors - space travel with an open cockpit!

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    War machines? What about bolo

  11. Peter2 Silver badge

    the great questions of the universe using immense amounts of computing power typically fall down

    Do they? The meaning of life is 42.

    The problem with that is that while you have the answer, it's effectively an arbitrary response as you don't know why it is the answer and it's meaningless without the reasoning used to reach the answer.

  12. chuckufarley Silver badge

    It would be nice to know...

    ...the battlefield conditions. What planet are they fighting on? Day or night? The phase of the moon? Landlocked, at sea, or amphibious landing? What is the local climate (forest, grasslands, desert, mountains, forested desert mountains, etc) Who is attacking and who is defending? What about rain, fog, snow, and other weather conditions? Is there something worth fighting over/for (besides getting to live)?

    And that's just what I could put in one small paragraph. Feel free to add more if you think I missed something important.

    With out knowing all factors we should not vote because the answer we get will only lead to more questions and we have a responsibility to future generations to get this right.

  13. Chris G Silver badge

    Too many unknowns

    Although I have voted, a great deal depends not only on the type of combatant but who the team members are, even some Special forces don't do that well sometimes and on other occasions normal grunts or people achieve superhuman results.

    How about a Ninja using his stealth skills to get into the straship troopers dressing room to steal an MI suit with his skills and the intuitive operation of the suit he should be devastating and that is just one potential scenario.

    Strictly speaking the MI suits with their firepower and flexibility going in for total all out war from minute one should be able to wrap up just about everybody in time for an early lunch.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Special Circumstances?

    ROU as a Really BIG Robot anyone? The size seems about right.

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: Special Circumstances?

      Or an Orbital. Kinda hard to argue with an Orbital, though they do have vulnerabilities.

      1. NumptyScrub

        Re: Special Circumstances?

        GSV Sleeper Service in the configuration from Excession.

        That stunned quite a few ROUs into silence ^^;

        1. Omgwtfbbqtime

          Re: Special Circumstances?

          However the "Grey Area" is the one you really don't want to piss off.

    2. breakfast

      Re: Special Circumstances?

      I had non-humanoid robots doing well on the grounds I was assuming they were working for Special Circumstances.

  15. ukgnome

    Special something or other

    Am I the only one that read the SBS as SPB and was wondering how Lester and gang could fare, and then I remembered oh yeah drones!

  16. DropBear


    As Starcraft so aptly demonstrated so long ago, it's always about the details - the setting, the tactics, the strategy: a good player could beat a poor one with any choice of race vs. any other. You can't just say "paper beats rock, always". The line-up here clearly isn't THAT perfectly balanced, but it's still impossible to say "this or this player cannot be beaten by any of the others, in any possible circumstance". Sorry, Guv...

  17. Elmer Phud


    What category do Pak protectors come under?

    They are hardcore mofos

    1. Long John Brass

      Re: Missing?

      Wasn't the existence of the Pak Protectors one of the reason Niven gave for the distinct lack of numbers of alien species ... IE: They hunted em down & killed most of them?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lets look at the evidence...

    Aliens, robots, undead, animals and monsters seem to have little to no chance upon encountering humans. They may be bouyed by initial wins, but the closer they get to their goal of defeating any sized group of people, the surer their defeat looms. From the cold depths of space to the alien home planets, or in Earth jungles or cities, nothing is so dangerous to a hostile plan as an endangered human. Even alone, outnumbered, on foot, wounded and armed with little more than a bladed weapon or a light machine gun, a human opponent is not to be taken lightly.

    So the question is which amongst the humans is the most deadly? Its not so clear cut, but the chances of winning seem to be incredibly improved if you are:

    * Photogenic and aged under 40.

    * A group outsider, misunderstood or shunned.

    * You are wrongfully accused of a crime.

    * You are ex police and/or special forces OR if you have no military training whatsoever.

    * Your superiors are evil and dislike you.

    * Speak with American accent.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    It's not T-101...

    It's T-800 Model 101

  20. pauly

    If it is the group in question vs all the others or any of the others, shouldn't we only be voting for one overall?

    A better way would be to have a random draw 1 v 1 and have a series of rounds on a knockout basis.

  21. Omgwtfbbqtime

    Missed entry (ooerr...)

    The elite conscripts from Haldeman's Forever War

  22. thenim

    You missed one...


    He will own anything on this list and any other for that matter.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Trained profesionals or talented amateurs?

    Where does Francis Begbie fit on the list?

    Should any alien/ vamp/ zombie/ yank be daft enough to put him off his pool shot, then there is going to be bloodshed!

  24. Kaltern

    Hulk Hogan

    Because he says his prayers and takes his vitamins. And is a real American. And never loses.

    USA! USA! USA!


  25. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    Zombies couldn't even beat my 7 year-old nephew

    Or so I discovered on Thursday night, when I was asked to babysit. He had requested his Uncle iPad I ain't Spartacus, for no ulterior motives whatsoever. Oh no.

    He then requested a bedtime story in which he defeated zombies with a chainsaw. Oh dear, oh dear, youth of today, I blame the parents etc. Not wishing to discuss blood-soaked hacked off limbs flying through the air, just before turning the lights out, the conversation moved on to how zombies go to the toilet. A question that still intrigues me now, as if they eat brains then surely they've got to go... Whether dead, alive or undead, what goes up must come down.

    Anyway, it turns out a 7 year-old can defeat these moaning shufflers in time for tea and medals. I'm hoping he's a good deal older before I get asked about Aliens or Kate Beckinsale in tight, wet leather.

  26. Yugguy

    Rambo/The Expendables

    If you're going to have Chuck's Delta Force/Missing In Action characters then you need to have Rambo.

    And The Expendables.

  27. Yugguy


    That's only 15kg. I could hold that all day, with another 15kg of rounds on a belt.


    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: 35lbs???

      As pointed out in the Bootnotes, that's just the gun itself and doesn't include the battery or ammo, either of which are several orders of magnitude heavier. And according to some sources, 35lbs (15.9kg) for the gun is significantly short of reality. With ammo weighing around 70lbs (31.75kg) per thousand belted rounds and the gun capable of anywhere from 2000-6000 rounds per minute, the all-up weight of this rig will be in the neighborhood of 500lbs (227.8kg) - most definitely a non-trivial load.

      1. Yugguy

        Re: 35lbs???

        Fair enough. I'll give you that one.

        I might not be able to manage it.

        But Blaine and Dutch could.

    2. Bumpy Cat

      Re: 35lbs???

      1. Yugguy

        Re: 35lbs???

        I'm 44.

        I don't think they'd have me.

  28. ecofeco Silver badge

    "DISTURBED neural cluster network"?

    Oh. Distributed neural cluster network.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    missed a few

    Berserker. Here I am not talking about the semi clad northerners swinging some oversized cutlery.

    I am talking about those planetoid sized war machines bent on the eradication of all life no matter how life is defined.

    The majority of the list would be gone before they knew the battle started.

    Yes, even the Starship Troopers and the Daleks would have a tough go against just one.

    Make it a fleet and all bets are off.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He is the Law

    Judge Dredd (with the assistance of the Justice Department) has defeated all and sundry...

  31. gh4662

    What no mention of....

    How about Ewoks? They managed to defeat an army of Heavily armed storm troopers. OK so the fight would have to take place in a forest. Any scenario with water in it would be a non starter as their fur would weigh them down, fur would also hinder them in a desert arena. Veet anyone?

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