back to article No, thank you. I will not code for the Caliphate

Late last year, in a dimly lit meeting room... Outside, the chant of the mob grew louder, and ever more terrifying. “Death to the Jews! Death to the Christians!” I gulped hard. My assistant มาลัย (which means "Garland of Flowers" in Thai) gripped the table. Through the open window I could smell burning paper, and possibly …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Is this supposed to be funny. It comes over like one of the wave of completely humourless radio 4 comedy shows.

    1. NomNomNom

      Re: Funny?

      Dear anonymous terrorist,

      sorry but it is funny and has an undercurrent of underspoken truth

      Love, nomnomnom

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: Funny?

        Always look on the Sunni side of things.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Funny?

          Aww, now that pun was just Shi'ite.

          1. Anonymous IV

            Re: Funny?

            Disappointing that the author didn't manage to crowbar in something about "a caliphate worse than death"...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Funny?

      Always quit while you're still ahead :)

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    WTF did I just read?

    Hey, this new Sunday updating venture seem to be gong well.

  3. Grikath


    Like a mace in the face..

    And yes, dear AC's ... It's funny as hell, if a bit dark.

  4. MatsSvensson

    You read a lot of Oscar Wilde, do you?

  5. unwarranted triumphalism

    Anti-religious bigotry must pay well.

    But I guess there are jobs I can't take on, either.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Isis please.

      1. P. Lee

        > Isis please.

        Does anyone else automatically think, "... Horus, Sirius" when hearing this?

        Hmm, too much Stargate, methinks. I'll bet Daniel could fix the situation...

        1. Flat Phillip

          Re: > Isis please.

          Actually I keep thinking why are they running that instead of OSPF or EIGRP?

          1. Mage Silver badge

            Re: > Isis please.

            We used ISIS II for 8085. Giant cake cover disk packs in enormous blue boxes. 1983

            1. Nick Pettefar

              Re: > Isis please.


        2. Denarius Silver badge

          Re: > Isis please.

          StarGate ? not necessarily. I have to stop reading ancient history instead. Perhaps an Astarte response is needed. Coats the one with the dogeared Penguin classic in pocket.

        3. Irongut

          Re: > Isis please.

          Nope I always think they seem to live in places where there is a lot of risk, almost as if they enjoyed life in a... Danger Zone!

          And then "Damn Dog, Tots Inapprops"

    2. JLV

      >Anti-religious bigotry

      what, exactly, is "religious" about IS? Enlighten us, please.

  6. Cipher

    They only needed to add...

    PBR, aka Blue Ribbon Beer, to the hipster mix side of it and they would have shot to the top!

  7. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    It was a bit like a lesser issue of a Flying Circus skit

    Except for the underhanded "IMMA LOSING MUH COPYRIGHT". That was really uncalled for.

    Next: Ukraine and the neocon pipeline control project? Where it's all about Location, Location, Location. And Grauniad reporters trying to start WWIII wih random tweets from #Russia.

  8. Eddy Ito

    Didn't they also take the other bit of advice and shorten the name to just the Islamic State (IS) back in June when they named a caliph? It seems Mr. Bong that your words were well heeded by these hipsterrorists.

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Disappointed to discover that ".is" isn't the country code for Israel. Then they could have got the "" domain name

      1. John G Imrie

        No problem

        As soon as the push Israel into the sea thy will be able to claim that domain.

        Fuck I'm in a black mood today, what with IS running through the Middle East and Russia marching west; how long till WW3 kicks off.

  9. Jeff Lewis

    What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

    Ok.. even if this thing is real - and I hope to God it isn't - the guy gave marketing advice to a representative of ISIS. And really - the kind of font used on ISIS' website - that's the thing he noticed?

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

        We have not even approached the coming darkness, friend.

    2. Grifter

      Re: What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

      Then your hope goes in vain, there is no god, sorry :(

      1. Denarius Silver badge

        Re: What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

        ah, Grifter, in what lab was that statement demonstrated ?

    3. Cliff

      Re: What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

      That's the thing with the Steve Bong columns, they are satire, but only by exaggerating by a few percent leaving the reader unsure. Read some of his others, they're very good.

    4. Denarius Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      Re: What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

      sorry sir, let me add the missing tags

      <irony> story </irony>

    5. Irongut

      Re: What a load of self-indulgent twaddle @Jeff Lewis

      Please go to the doctor and ask for a three way transplant of irony, sarcasm and humour.

  10. Mark 85

    The un-funny thing about dark humor is that it comes usually at the bleakest of times. The darkest humor (and the funniest, but probably not anymore) was from my fellow Marines during a firefight with some VC who outnumbered us. But... if it's not funny to you, it's not funny. That's the other thing about dark humor... a lot of folks won't get it.

    1. Anonymous Coward


      You do mean "Venture Capitalist," right?

      1. Mark 85

        Re: VC?

        Go back to the late sixties for a translation. OTOH, maybe they were Venture Capitalists but dressed in black pj's and BF Goodrich sandals.

  11. baseh

    This is satire at its best

    On two levels: the ISIS matter itself as well as the media/social level that matters more that the matter itself

  12. Fihart

    We laughed at the Nazis.

    What are ISIS if not fascists ? Young Muslims here need reminding that joining Oswald Mosley's blackshirts in the 1930s didn't work out so well either.

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: We laughed at the Nazis.

      It worked better than opposing them.

      Certainly if you wanted a job in the police or government.

  13. Elmer Phud

    IS IS Baby

    Love the rebranding but not sure about the promo vids.

    Really need Barry Scott:

    "We've changed our most popular product to give a more worldwide appeal.

    We're out of Syria and will be seeing ya all real soon"

  14. Trollslayer
    Thumb Up

    The keyboard is mightier than the idiot

    Shows them up for what they are - rabid.

    Good to see satire is alive and well.

  15. Denarius Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I am puzzled

    Le Bong turning down money ? I thought in the new economy money was god, just like the old economy. Where did ethics or liking come into the Bong world.? Standards are slipping.

    Kidding aside, one of the best satires on a difficult subject I have read. Well done.

  16. Anomalous Cowshed


    What's the world coming to! I used to go punting on the Isis with a pretty young lady, a bottle of bubbly and some strawberries and cream, in summers long gone by. Now it seems the days of punting are over, and everyone's fighting around the Isis! What's next? World War III on the Cam?

  17. JLV
    Thumb Up

    Somebody else also has a branding problem :(


    Far as this somewhat risque material goes, satirizing this lot of fanatics is a good way to start. Harder to be a martyr when you are a laughingstock. And, make no mistake, IS is all about PR, as well as being as unequivocally evil as we haven't seen much of since the Nazis and Pol Pot.

    Good show.

  18. M H

    เฮ้ย อะไรว่ะเนี่ย

    ...but nice to see a bit of Thai script in El Reg.

  19. John G Imrie

    That was possibly...

    the hardest thing to read I have ever come across on El Reg, and that include the articles on Quantum Mechanics.

    Keep up the good work.

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