You'll find Yoda at the back of every IT conference

On stage, the presenter barely pauses for breath as he shares his extraordinary knowledge with rapid-fire delivery. His audience is captivated, amazed, enthralled. Digital design students all, they are learning from a master of online retail what life is like at the cutting edge of user interaction, giving them a hint of the …

[John Smith 19]

"Hairy Jedi snot."

Priceless.

[Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese]

Re: "Hairy Jedi snot."

"Priceless"

...and also an excellent name for a rock band

[dogged]

Re: "Hairy Jedi snot."

Punk band, surely?

[Marcus Aurelius]

Sixty grand may be a bargain

There's an adage about someone ha d a car breakdown, and a mechanic came out, worked out the symptoms and then said to the owner "that'll be £200, please".

"£200" goes the owner. "Thats ridiculous!". I want an invoice in writing with a breakdown of why I'm being charged so much.

So later he gets the breakdown:

Labour charge: 10 mins - £20

Knowing where to deploy hammer - £180

[P. Lee]

Re: Sixty grand may be a bargain

> a mechanic came out...

This is where the analogy breaks' down.

It's' more like having the AA send out a second-hand-car-sales'man instead of a mechanic. Your pretty lucki if you get an actual techi who can give presentations'.

[erhumdm]

Re: Sixty grand may be a bargain

It's more like "What's the difference between a used car salesman, and a software salesman?"

Answer - "Used car salesman knows when he is telling a lie"

[STGM]

Looks like Google Translate wouldn't make a good heckler

In an effort to hear just how that Boll-OCKS should sound, I turned to Google:

https://translate.google.co.uk/#en/es/Boll-OCKS

I suspect that might not be quite right but maybe that's how it should sound after a soya latte?

[Alistair Dabbs]

Re: Looks like Google Translate wouldn't make a good heckler

Calling out "Boll. Oh-see-kay-ess." doesn't come close.

[VinceH]

Re: Looks like Google Translate wouldn't make a good heckler

"Boll. Oh-see-kay-ess."

That sounds more like someone starting to call out bollocks, but half way through they suddenly realise/understand what the speaker is saying and then agreeing with them in an embarrassed manner.

"Boll... oh, [I] see, [o]kay, [y]es."

[John Smith 19]

Hmmm.

They cynicism is strong in this one.

[Alistair]

...... at the back of every IT conference

Was the new guy just there for the free copies of software.....

(what? you didn't?)

[ukgnome]

I think the main issue is that if you are giving a presentation these days then the audience of tie wearing free sandwich munchers assume that that you are a project leader. And we know how supremely awesome they are.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

Sir

Having a dig at Sting's punctuation is a bit rich considering how badly you mangled Yoda-speak :)

However, I have to sympathize with the overall article simply because I too am a hooligan.

I managed to seriously upset a senior director of Checkpoint during a presentation on HMS Belfast.

Everyone else in the room was director level, and my director at the time decided he couldn't be arsed to go so he sent me :D

I asked some very awkward questions about their licensing model and how the CP liked to assume that every address it could see on the wire must constitute a host, regardless of whether or not it actually traverse the firewall.

In the end his response was basically "It just is, and I designed it". Since he was so belligerent (I had been very polite in my questioning) I got a bit annoyed and asked him one more question..

"Surely by having such a model you are just going to encourage people to employ a proxy in front of the firewall so it only ever sees a handful of IP addresses rather than a couple of hundred?"

All the directors in the room were suddenly all ears and the guy on the podium was looking daggers..lovely :) Mind you, I was never asked to go to another one.

[John Smith 19]

Re: Sir

""Surely by having such a model you are just going to encourage people to employ a proxy in front of the firewall so it only ever sees a handful of IP addresses rather than a couple of hundred?"

All the directors in the room were suddenly all ears and the guy on the podium was looking daggers..lovely :) Mind you, I was never asked to go to another one."

Job done.

You mean Director don't come to these things to learn useful stuff to save their companies money?

[Just Enough]

Re: Sir

The guy on the podium was probably annoyed because

A/ "Everyone else in the room was director level" - there's your first clue.

B/ His presentation was aimed at a director level.

C/ If you wanted to chew over the specs, go see him afterwards, *then* tell your directors what you thought.

D/ The directors were not all ears, most of them probably had no idea what you were on about, and expect this kind of discussion to be held elsewhere when it's not occupying their time. If they'd wanted to sit through a technical review they'd have asked you to attend directly, not your director.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

Re: Sir

@Just Enough

I can assure you that (technical) directors can become quite attentive when talking about large sums of money and how they are being ripped off, and how they could possible avoid it.

I didn't start going into the protocol details or anything 'high brow' - my comments weren't aimed at the guy on the podium after all.

Were you actually there? The guy was annoyed because I was highlighting something that he would have preferred to go unmentioned, this was not lost on the 'directors'.

Your assumptions about my ability to communicate at CEO level and also about 'Directors' not understanding anything more technical than a kettle reveals a good deal about your own mind, peon.

[JulianB]

Ten Summoner’s Tales

That's fine as long as it means ten tales from a summoner. You could have "Ten Summoners' Tales" if you had several summoners.

I understand it's a pun on Sting's surname, Sumner.

[Alistair Dabbs]

Re: Ten Summoner’s Tales

The one thing that a pun is supposed to do is sound like another word. Sting's pun doesn't even have the same number of syllables.

[Fink-Nottle]

Re: Ten Summoner’s Tales

> The one thing that a pun is supposed to do is sound like another word. Sting's pun doesn't even have the same number of syllables.

Sorry to be a Yoda about this, but ... the original Canterbury Tales contains both 'Somonour' and 'Somnour' so there is precedence for pronouncing Summoner with two syllables and a silent 'o'. Mind you, Chaucer was a 'slogardie tuwel' when it came to spelling.

[grumpyoldeyore]

The pun is meant must fit the rhyme.

According to the internet Surname Database, the surname Sumner was derived from 'Summoner' in the days when surnames matched the occupation. http://www.surnamedb.com/Surname/Sumner . In speech it was probably easier to say 'sumner' rather than 'summoner', in the same way that 'governor' becomes shortened to 'guvnor'. Mine's the one with the OED (concise) in the pocket.

[ChrisBedford]

Re: Ten Summoner’s Tales

Umm, Dabbsy - not to heckle too much here, but... the name Sumner comes directly from the occupation Summoner. It's a contraction (yeh, without an apostrophe) that happened somewhere in Olde Englande or whatever - Sting actually explained it at the time the album was released.

In fact there's nothing wrong with the punctuation of the album title, it tells you there are 10 tales from one summoner.

[Spleen]

Re: Ten Summoner’s Tales

No, Alastair is correct. If it's ten tales by one summoner then it should be "A Summoner's Ten Tales" or "Ten Tales of a Summoner".

[BlueGreen]

Re: Ten Summoner’s Tales @Spleen

> If it's ten tales by one summoner then it should be "A Summoner's Ten Tales" or "Ten Tales of a Summoner".

Since when should it?

I wouldn't normally, but this a dabbsy article so when in Rome: ur talking Boll-OCKS

[Novex]

OK, I'll take the bait...

'Ten Summoner's' Tales is 'correct' in as much that it's an album by a single 'Summoner' (actually a pun on Sumner, Sting's real surname, just in case no-one knew) for which there are multiple 'tales'. Of course, it doesn't help that the album has twelve 'tales' on it...

Now waiting for down votes and explanations why I'm wrong...

[Jonathan Richards 1]

Summoner's Tale

Chaucer wrote The Somonours Tale, I believe. No apostrophe for Geoff. I don't understand where Sting's alleged error lies, though. If there is one Summoner, and he has ten tales, then are they not properly grammatically described by the noun phrase Ten Summoner's Tales?

Edit: I see I am not the first PGN to hit Submit! Didn't know that about the Summoner/Sumner thing, though. That's illuminating.

[Alistair Dabbs]

Re: Summoner's Tale

It may be "proper" but it is still "questionable". In terms of grammatical pedantry, "Ten Summoner's Tales" is correct. It is, however, questionable: despite being attractively concise in its three words, "Ten Summoner's Tales" is an awkward way of both (1) declaring that there is such a thing as a Summoner's Tale and (2) that there are ten of them.

It is also grammatically correct to walk into a cafe and order "one eggs and bacon" once you have established that "eggs and bacon" refers a named item on the menu rather than, oh I dunno, simply some eggs and bacon on a plate, but I would argue that the grammar, although explicable, is questionable.

[ChrisBedford]

Re: Summoner's Tale

@Dabbsy: "It may be "proper" but it is still "questionable". In terms of grammatical pedantry, "Ten Summoner's Tales" is correct. It is, however, questionable: despite being attractively concise in its three words, "Ten Summoner's Tales" is an awkward way of both (1) declaring that there is such a thing as a Summoner's Tale and (2) that there are ten of them."

ehhhhh... OK

I think that puts your grammatical nazism a bit to the right of mine though ;-)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Summoner's Tale

Clearly it should of read Ten Summoners Tale's. One tale, multiple tale's. Simple's.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: Summoner's Tale

I appear to be suffering from a severe case of grocers' apostrophitis at the moment. I come back to El Reg to see if anyone's replied to my posts, only to find that I've used who's and it's, instead of whose and its. It's terrible.

Seems to be a typing tic, rather than my brain forgetting all the grammar that I wasn't taught in english lessons. Fortunately my latin teacher, who failed to force much latin into my head, did manage to teach me how to solve the Telegraph crossword alond with some grammar. I can't type London, without first typing Lodno and then correcting. Similarly confustion is an almost inevitable typo, but I quite like it as a word.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Summoner's Tale

'Should of'. Try 'should oooof' or 'should uv' for variety.

[ChrisBedford]

Re: Summoner's Tale

"Clearly it should of read Ten Summoners Tale's. One tale, multiple tale's. Simple's"

Your rite. No waisted grammar hear!

[Irongut]

HA!

I am indeed the Yoda at the back that tells the presenter he's wrong, his product is shit, it's overpriced or all three. I look more like an extra from Game of Thrones though so presenters usually look a bit nervous when I get going.

[Alistair Dabbs]

Re: HA!

You're not the one who keeps getting her kit off, are you?

[dotdavid]

Re: HA!

I do hope not, having a commentard handle of "Irongut"

[Michael Wojcik]

Re: HA!

I do hope not, having a commentard handle of "Irongut"

You object to firm abdominals in your nude starlets?

I assume Irongut looks like Emilia Clarke. Based on the data I have, that seems like the best assumption.¹

¹N.B. I did not write "the most probable assumption". Even a Bayes reasoner needs to take the occasional liberty.

[Rich 11]

Re: HA!

Nah, he's the one who had his boll-OCKS sliced off at the age of five.

[chizz]

Preaching to the Godless?

" they are absolutely convinced that they could do it better and aren’t shy in letting everyone else know. The thing is, we bleedin’ Yodas talk the talk but, given the opportunity, we’d fumble the stumble. Sports fans? Nah, my little ball of hairy Jedi snot – we’re hooligans."

Dearest Dabbsy:

Love your stuff, but isn't the above EXACTLY what we do here, day in and day out?

[Bob Wheeler]

Classic

"some fucking Yoda with tourettes on the back row, repeatedly calling out from the safety of his fake-velvet upholstered conference chair"

"commence an interminable monologue about OS/2"

"Yoda, naturally, remained silent. The piss just taking was he. Bastard the."

I don't understand why I don't get invited to the trade shows anymore.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

Re: Classic

"The piss just taking was he. Bastard the.""

I'm sure this should be more like

"Taking the piss he was, hmmm? A Bastard he is, yes, total bastard...must sleep.zzzz"

[Piro]

Top bollock

It's not the weekend without Alistair Dabbs' opinion pieces.

[imanidiot]

Even more fun as a mechanical engineer

Where a single question can show the speaker to be both incompetent and a danger to others with a single question.

A single question like: So, about that final design. That rear leg is about 80 mm in diameter right? Thick walled tube probably? Have you thought about the buckling load? (Speaker had very confidently stated that all loads were within limits with a design some 50% under the normal weight of a competitors unit. The entire audience immediately knew what was meant, and most instinctively knew the rear leg would buckle like a match. There were several other design flaws I wouldn't expect a first year student to make)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Even more fun as a mechanical engineer

The equivalent exists in the world of IT, usually by people who put the word "cyber" in their title.

The real trick is having enough people witness the question who are clueful for the ripple of understanding to take that anyone who needs to be a cyberanythingist is using it as a badge to hide how clueless they actually are on their subject matter.

Sweet when you drop the q bomb and it goes nuclear, frustratiing the rest of the time.

[Anonymous Coward]

I was kicked out of the local launch event for MS Bob

I said "what do you call a quadriplegic in a swimming pool?" when they asked for questions. Didn't even get my free copy, I was so sad.

[Diogenes]

Yoda, am I

I am our school's technology Yoda. I know one day they are going to stop asking me to be on the technology committee where I wreak most havoc (and have saved the school a bundle in the process).

[OzBob]

I don't get invited to sales meetings now

but the last one I had in the UK was with someone who was touting to "facilitate" a SAP upgrade. A few direct questions and all it turns out all he does is introduce us to the actual company doing the work, pockets 20K for doing so and then disappears. When I pointed this out, I asked "Unless Company Y has no Customer Relationship Managers or Salespersons, why do we need you?".

I also asked about CPU / Memory Capacity (as SAP is notorious for gobbling resources) and he refused to give a specific figure (no doubt afraid I would take an estimate as gospel - hey, been there, had that happen). The techie he had with him (bless his heart) really blindsided the guy by bringing up a planning PDF from SAPNet, showing how much we would expect to burn, so I thanked him and said "So it's not orders of magnitude different to our current capacity but we will need to verify at a later stage". Fortunately I left the country before the project started, so avoided that particular "hospital pass".

[ecofeco]

Hooligans?

"With this comes the realisation that IT people are like couch-potato sports fans: no matter what the pros are doing, they are absolutely convinced that they could do it better and aren’t shy in letting everyone else know."

Every single place I ever worked.

And this is an insult to hooligans, They don't have to reluctantly and sheepishly look up on google how to cause mayhem.

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Friday, another missive from Dabbs. It is

Hmmmmm.

[mark 63]

i thint el Reg is probly responsible for Yoda training ground

[Isendel Steel]

occasionally it's akin to a swamp with beasties in it

[johnwerneken]

The piss always taking is he. Bastard the.

Then there is the same chit run through Google Translate and back out again. THAT is really Yoda talkin, then lol

[Fungus Bob]

commence an interminable monologue about OS/2

Sorry, Dabbsy, didn't realize that was you...

[breakfast]

Spectating is easy

Long years ago when I was a student we collectively played the Occarina Of Time on the house N64. Wow, that looks like a euphemism now I see it in writing. Hmmm.

Anyway, one thing we noticed was that whoever had the controller immediately became a total idiot- everyone else could easily accomplish whatever strategy we had just come up with but they kept crashing into walls, falling into lava or getting arbitrarily killed by bats. It was infuriating. The only thing more frustrating was when you got hold of the controller and suddenly it turned out you were the chump.

[ecofeco]

That's an insult to hooligans!

"With this comes the realisation that IT people are like couch-potato sports fans: no matter what the pros are doing, they are absolutely convinced that they could do it better and aren’t shy in letting everyone else know. "

Every single damn place I've ever worked.

You see, hooligan don't need to secretly and shamefully resort to google for the answers on how to cause mayhem. They are naturals at it.

[Loyal Commenter]

I'm not normally one to stand up for Sting

But if you had a story, told by a summoner, and added nine more, told by the same incantator, the sum of those would be ten summoner's tales. The error is not in the syntax but the parser...

[Glenn Hunt]

Well, the album title would be correct if the author was bloke named "Ten Summoner". Assuming though that there are ten (as in 10) summoners, then it should be "Ten Summoners' Tales".

[Zane]

Too bad...

"Didn’t that seem like a lot of money for what amounts to a few lines of HTML and a couple of server-side scripts?"

Too bad I wasn't there. Would have luved that.

/Zane