back to article New Star Wars movie plot details leak, violate common sense and laws of physics

Some meagre plot details for the new Star Wars movie have leaked online, revealed to BadAssDigest by “multiple sources” (some spoilers follow, obviously). Christina Chong in Line of Duty Newest cast member Christina Chong in Beeb TV show Line of Duty With no official word on plot from JJ Abrams, Disney or Lucasfilm, …

  1. Chris 2

    Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

    I can't see how this ex-Stormtrooper thing is going to work on screen. Nobody's going to be able to suspend disbelief if he actually manages to shoot anyone.

    1. Jacksonville

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      They could play it for laughs... bit like the "Drink problem" gag in Airplane. It could run and run

      Ex-stormtrooper dude shoots 6 shots around the bad guy like when the fourth man missed Jules & Vincent in Pulp Fiction.

      Solo: (Shoots Bad guy) Dammit Chewie, this guy couldn't hit a star destroyer if he was standing on it

      Chewie: (Shakes shaggy head) raaaaarruurgghh!!

      Ex-stormtrooper dude: (shrugs)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      El Reg... Really?

      To the fine men and women of the best tech site on the planet:

      I seldom object to stories here, but just because the details leak somewhere, do you have to republish them? First off, I doubt there's any confirmation from anyone of note involved with the production. That makes it rumour, not news. Even if it does turn out to be true, is this really worthy of your talents? Are you hiring reporters away from Heat? Can we look forward to Kardashian updates on the hour?

      Second, there are a few of us out there that don't want to memorize the script before seeing a film. I like a little mystery when I go to the cinema. Yes, there are all sorts of people out there that want to know how many stitches are in the front seam of Luke's new Jedi robe, but they will just ruin the film for themselves. No need to destroy it for all of us.

      I am no fan of JJ Abrams who single handed ruined the Star Trek series for me. However, I still want to go see the film when it comes out. I like seeing movies with no preconceptions so I can make up my own mind.

      One of the reasons your web site is open on my browser all day is you have gained my respect over the years by fair and reasonably impartial reporting (mixed with sardonic humour that I adore). However, it's reality check time. Harrison Ford breaking his ankle on set is news. Spoilers that may or may not be real are not.

      You should handle stories like this the same way FIFA handles people who run on the pitch during the World Cup for free publicity. Focus on something else until the annoyance goes away, then get back to what matters.

      1. mark 63 Silver badge

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        @AC with the chip

        I loved Star wars, but its over. The 3 ,um, old new ones were a huge dissapointment - no ones fault , how could they not be. same for these next 3 . So i dont mind a little speculation , true or false about what might be in them.

        Now to my main point - If you dont want to know dont read the article! The reg even omitted their usually oh so clever tag line for this exact reason. cant say fairer than that!

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          Re: El Reg... Really?

          At OP AC...

          just because The Reg published the leaked details doesn't mean you have to read them. I haven't read the article*, but I've skipped to this comments section to get an idea of how spoilery the spoilers are. My choice, as your choice is yours.

          *I know, I'm a hypocrite; I normally criticise commentards who comment on an article they haven't fully read.

          1. Bleu

            Re: El Reg... Really?

            No, you are commenting on a meta-phenomenon, feel no guilt!

      2. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        Harrison Ford breaking his ankle (sounds more like a bad sprain, break one of your own and see), has no tech connection.

        Some gossip site has no tech connection, except they have an Internet site.

        They have been selected to run a little pre-publicity or they are just making it up.

        Who cares?

        It is sure to be a pile that trundles along and gets a few points from the protagonists from the original three.

        Speaking of which, I enjoyed parts of all of the prequels, child actor playing young Vader was perfectly precocious, proud, and pouty, that got the next most criticism to Jar Jar, who played pretty much the same as when he was the same actor in the Fifth Element, but I cannot recall the same mass hysteria against that, quite the opposite.

        I would love anyone to watch Return of the Jedi and say with a straight face that it is not the most cloying of all.

        Fans and those older than about 25 will recall that Lucas spoke of a nine-part series, for which he'd written the outline.

        Threw his toys out of the pram after herd-like media reviews from Menace to Sith, I really do not believe he did not have at least a sketch of the nine-part matinee series he claimed.

        As if Disney will do anything but flog the horse until it is dead, and as if Lucas needed more money.

        1. Franklin

          Re: El Reg... Really?

          "Harrison Ford breaking his ankle (sounds more like a bad sprain, break one of your own and see), has no tech connection.

          Some gossip site has no tech connection, except they have an Internet site."

          Looking for a tech connection on every Reg article? You must be new.

          As for the rogue stormtrooper: The idea of a hero with a conflicted past trying to make good can be brilliant, if it's done properly, but I have little faith this movie will be done properly.

          I mean, Star Wars Episode 3 was basically the story of Faust--the classic story of the fall from grace that's been a running theme in human literature since...well, since before there WAS literature. It's an archetypal story that's so embedded in our consciousness that it should not be possible to screw it up. Yet screw it up they did. So I might, I think, be forgiven for approaching any new movies in the franchise with a certain battle-hardened skepticism, I think.

          1. Bleu

            Re: El Reg... Really?

            Sorry,

            Your post is incomprehensible.

            Best of luck.

      3. Tom 7 Silver badge

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        I think you'll find that its not El Reg that ruins the star wars movies - that's down to the studio.

      4. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        Gave you an 'upvote', not because I thought you had a point, the talk about sports was dim, but the 'downvoters' were clearly acting as a gang.

        Sometime friends of yours?

      5. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        The Kardashian thing has two tech. angles, cosmetic surgery and manipulation of 'social networks', thankfully the Reg. chooses to ignore both.

        Interesting, though, neither tabloids nor 'quality' papers comment on the obvious cosmetic surgery.

      6. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        Open on your browser all day?

        Not to condemn, but you must be retired and have a very cushy payout or be rather above all at work.

        I only look at the site from work when bad code and descriptions start to drive me to death, so I need a little clarity, never have it open all day.

        Each to their own.

      7. NoneSuch Silver badge

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        ============== MASS QUOTE

        To the fine men and women of the best tech site on the planet:

        I seldom object to stories here, but just because the details leak somewhere, do you have to republish them? First off, I doubt there's any confirmation from anyone of note involved with the production. That makes it rumour, not news. Even if it does turn out to be true, is this really worthy of your talents? Are you hiring reporters away from Heat? Can we look forward to Kardashian updates on the hour?

        Second, there are a few of us out there that don't want to memorize the script before seeing a film. I like a little mystery when I go to the cinema. Yes, there are all sorts of people out there that want to know how many stitches are in the front seam of Luke's new Jedi robe, but they will just ruin the film for themselves. No need to destroy it for all of us.

        I am no fan of JJ Abrams who single handed ruined the Star Trek series for me. However, I still want to go see the film when it comes out. I like seeing movies with no preconceptions so I can make up my own mind.

        One of the reasons your web site is open on my browser all day is you have gained my respect over the years by fair and reasonably impartial reporting (mixed with sardonic humour that I adore). However, it's reality check time. Harrison Ford breaking his ankle on set is news. Spoilers that may or may not be real are not.

        You should handle stories like this the same way FIFA handles people who run on the pitch during the World Cup for free publicity. Focus on something else until the annoyance goes away, then get back to what matters.

        ============== MASS QUOTE

        I agree with this so much. Point by point, I could have written this.

    3. Tom_

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      I thought the Stormtroopers were supposed to BE the good guys. It's been a while since I saw it, but weren't they the ones being attacked by a terrorist cell in ... well... all of the films?

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        In the new one the Death Star (now renamed Freedom Star) obliterates a bunch of robe wearing bearded religious fanatics on a desert planet because they had some sort of force weapon that could be launched within 45parsecs

      2. ukgnome

        Re: Tom_

        This is also my view, the empire may of seemed scary at first but they brought about and end to piracy and trade stability. The Jedi were a bunch of fence sitters, telling people what to do but not actually doing much themselves. Basically they didn't give a rats ass about the massive deaths that they caused by going against galactic peace.

        1. Jan 0 Silver badge

          Re: Tom_ @ukgnome

          I weep because I've upvoted someone who thinks 'of' is a verb but, leaving that aside, your heart is in the right place.

        2. Bleu

          Re: Tom_

          Wow, you might try previewing your posts, but maybe your local education system didn't give you the grounding in written language.

        3. Bleu

          Re: Tom_

          Soon to be contacting you, forces of the dark side are!

      3. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        News you don't want to hear on the intercom system:

        "The Death Star has emerged from hyperspace at Gazalderaan."

      4. gw74

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        LOL, yet also not-LOL. Think of the Empire as the Nazis and the Rebels as La Résistance. Think of the moral argument for destroying the Death Star like nuking Hiroshima. OK the penne arrabiata-serving canteen staff didn't deserve to die, but it saved more innocent lives than it costed. The canteen staff were probably robots.

        1. Bleu

          Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

          Reference to 'nuking Hiroshima' is more than a little tasteless at this time of the year.

          1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

            Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

            Reference to 'nuking Hiroshima' is more than a little tasteless at this time of the year.

            But would be super appropriate at Christmas?

            Also, do learn how the Reg's comment-threading system works, and why quoting the relevant part of the post you're commenting on is a good idea. Particularly if you feel compelled to respond to a dozen posts in a single thread.

    4. Joefish

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      "Nobody's going to be able to suspend disbelief if he actually manages to shoot anyone."

      Let alone fly a fighter down a duct into the super-weapon and score a direct hit on its reactor...

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      Wasn't there a Stormtrooper turned good (ish) guy in three of the films already? Or is that not the canon backstory any more?

      1. gw74

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        You mean jango fett? I have literally no idea. I didn't understand the prequel trilogy, nor, after the"trade dispute" and Hayden Christensen's "performance", did I care.

    6. Bleu

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      Downvote just because you care too much about rubbish,also clearly dragging people from whatever fandom basement you dwell in to give you upvotes,

  2. IHateWearingATie

    Please let this not be true...

    .... it's all turning a bit Jar Jar otherwise

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Please let this not be true...

      Don't you mean a bit 'Abrams'?

      In a stunning plot twist an aged Jar Jar goes back in time to hang with his Mesa buddy Darth Maul only to accidentally erase the entire time line that produced Anakin Skywalker and Midaclorians by accidentally wiring the throttle of Anakins pod racer directly to the fuel tank.

      Fortunately Luke and Leia are warned of their impending demise via a disturbance in the force as if a billion movie goers suddenly cried out with joy and taking Han and Chewie with them they too travel back in time via a convenient black hole. Arriving slightly too late they are able to save Qui-Gon, Jar-Jar, Anakin and Obi-wan but not before their voice boxes are irreparably damaged - resulting in the rest of their roles in the 2nd Trilogy being sub-titled. Bitter Jar-Jar attempts to attack the time travelers, but fortunately Han shoots him first without warning, and Chewie beats the wounded Jar-Jar to death with his own ripped off arms.

      The world saved our heroes jump in another passing black hole and spend their twilight years teaching their Jedi children to fleece the roulette wheels at Hutt Vegas III.

      If JJ's doesn't take more liberties with Star Wars than the above I'll eat my hat.

      1. TheOtherHobbes

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        I demand the following:

        Lots of shouting, pointing, panning, and yelling

        At least one scene of people running madly through a corn field

        Swivelling helicopter shots of vehicles picking up speed

        Lens flare!

        Camera shake!

        Explosions! In SPAAAAAACE!

        A script that makes sense (Ah. Well then.)

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

          Re: Please let this not be true...

          Explosions! In SPAAAAAACE!

          And Dramatic Emotions!!

        2. Kunari

          Re: Please let this not be true...

          You only listed Lens Flare once, that's certainly not enough for a Abrams film.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Please let this not be true...

      I believe Captain Jack had the hand of a hero lost in a sword fight in a jar (jar) he kept on his desk.

      1. g e

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        It was Tensie's hand..

        http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/The_Tenth_Doctor's_hand

        So they say...

      2. mrjobby

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        I thought you meant Captain Jack Sparrow. That would've been an awesome crossing of genres! :)

        1. Ken Y-N
          Pint

          Re: Please let this not be true...

          I thought you meant Father Jack - now that would really be fecking awesome!

      3. Fungus Bob

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        "I believe Captain Jack had the hand of a hero lost in a sword fight in a jar (jar) he kept on his desk."

        Captain Love had the hand of Three-Fingered Jack in a jar in "The Mask of Zorro".

  3. Sammy Smalls

    It may be rubbish, but I'll still go hoping to have the same thrill of watching when I was 7. Knowing It cant match what Star Wars IV means to a lot of people my age (40's, going on 12) is fine, I just hope it's not a steaming turd like the last 3.

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge

      Back then (the original three) they were just great! It's space, it's light sabers, it's laser guns, and a girl - what's not to like. Years later I sat in the cinema for Episode I. And fell asleep instantly. Couldn't be bothered to watch any other one - did I miss something?

      1. Preston Munchensonton
        Mushroom

        "Couldn't be bothered to watch any other one - did I miss something?"

        Meesa thinks yousa didn't miss any shitsa...

        The only thing these movies will need is Han Solo jumping a galactic shark in less than 12 parsecs to defeat the bad guys. So. Completely. Out.

        And fuck George Lucas for ruining the wonderful memories of my childhood with those three turds he laid in episodes 1-3.

        1. Danny 14 Silver badge

          I didn't see the original star wars in the cinema but I did see empire strikes back first time around and that was simply epic.

          1. John Sanders
            Thumb Up

            Empire was the first one I watched...

            Same here, Empire was the first one I watched in the cinema, to this day I have never been more impressed with a movie. I was terrorized when Luke fought Vader in Vespin... and lost.

            The first one (A new hope) seemed quite bland in comparison. Half of Jedi is decent, the rest in line with the new trilogy.

            Lens flares? NUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH

      2. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

        Couldn't be bothered to watch any other one - did I miss something?

        I too couldn't face Episode II - Send in the Clones or Episode III - The End of this Shit (I believe those are the correct titles) after the dreadful Episode I. But I did watch Red Letter Media's analysis of Episode III, which is even longer than the film but, according to many, far more entertaining and interesting.

  4. Roger B
    Meh

    Good guy stormtrooper

    There was a short story written about storm trooper who was having some issues with all the bad things the Imperials were doing, he had made initial contact with the Rebellion and was due to meet up once he got back from his last mission which including boarding Tantive IV, unfortunately he was shot by Princess Leia shortly after boarding the vessel.

    I can't decide if I can be bothered with the new films after basically destroying the whole extended universe, although I didn't read the comics, I have most of the Timothy Zawn books, the Bounty Hunter Trilogy, The Han Solo Saga etc, all of which now don't make sense? I think I'll just stick two fingers up at the mouse and all in his house!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Stop making sense?

      The Star Wars universe stopped making sense about 20 minutes into The Empire Strikes Back, when Lucas got bored of the storytelling and turned his full attention to merchandizing.

      Personally, I protect my precious childhood memories by pretending that the original movie was a stand alone event, and that everything else takes place in the same universe but has nothing to do with the characters and story of that first movie. (I feel the same way about Stargate-SG1, except in reverse.)

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: Stop making sense?

        Empire strikes back was the best of the lot IMHO.

        1. Jim 59

          Re: Stop making sense?

          Marks out of 10

          Star Wars 10

          The Empire Strikes Back 9.5

          Return of the Jedi 8.5

          Phantom Menace -198,367,626,674

          Attack of the Clones -3,992,367,654,473

          Revenge of the Sith -157,329,873,473

    2. Bleu

      Re: Good guy stormtrooper

      If you like comics, some of those *were* great, at one stage they had many 2000 AD masters working on Star Wars comics, I didn't notice until that time was almost over, but have a lovely Cam Kennedy job about Jabba and an Ian Gibson about droid adventures. Writers and inkers were also from golden-period 2000 AD.

      Check at times, hoping to find another title from that time, they all look like crap now.

  5. brooxta

    SPOILER ALERT

    Star Wars franchise storylines not in fact based strictly on reality and the known laws of physics!!!

    Oh wait...

    Next time I must remember to use The Force before posting.

    >Gets coat<

    PS maybe the producers were trying to come up with a really gripping way if opening the film ... But they needed a hand?

    >Dons coat<

    >Leaves<

  6. El_Fev

    The floating hand...

    I suddenly had this image of the bone flying through the sky in 2001 space oddessy after the apes are transformed lol

    1. 's water music

      Re: The floating hand...

      I hope they film the sequence as an homage to the H2G2 tv titles

      1. Bleu

        Re: The floating hand...

        Do you not voice the h in homage (there is an english-language pronunciation, not the same as the french from which it was adopted, see restaurant for another example) or are you just a little dim?

        I noticed a major London paper yesterday had 'an UN ...', unbelievable, are we supposed to be pronouncing UN as un-?

        1. 2+2=5 Silver badge

          Re: The floating hand...

          > Do you not voice the h in homage (there is an english-language pronunciation, not the same as the french from which it was adopted, see restaurant for another example) or are you just a little dim?

          I presume the OP italicised the word to indicate that it should be pronounced the French way rather than the English way.

          1. Bleu

            Re: The floating hand...

            Bullshit, just a Noo Yawker with pretentious pronunciation of 'herb' and 'homage'.

        2. Duffy Moon

          Re: The floating hand...

          Sometimes I stay the night in an hotel :)

          1. Bleu

            Re: The floating hand...

            Sorry, it's a hotel, if you are cockney, my apologies, if not, pretension.

    2. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Thumb Up

      Re: The floating hand...

      They should show it bouncing off Frank Poole's (yellow?) space suit, now that would be a true homage.

      And why not, they found a pod... http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/EVA_Pod

  7. James 51

    Hopefully this is a blue harvest effort.

    1. MrDamage

      Unlikely

      With Abrams involved, it's more likely to be a blue waffle.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ".. The hand ends up on a desert planet where it is eventually discovered by the characters played by Daisy Ridley and John Boyega, the latter of whom is a renegade Stormtrooper."

    I have a bad feeling about this.

    1. regadpellagru

      H2G2 style

      "I have a bad feeling about this."

      Same here, even worse than that ... Even episode 1's ridiculous pod racer looks better.

      Really sounds, as others have pointed out, like an H2G2 thing, like the sofa that felt in the space time breach, just to en up in the middle of the Ashes cricket tournament ...

      1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

        Re: H2G2 style

        The hand didn't necessarily drop straight out into space, it was probably picked up by a garbage chute, or nicked by gribbles or whatever the fuck they are.

        1. James Micallef Silver badge

          Re: H2G2 style

          "didn't necessarily drop straight out into space"

          but to land on a habitable planet it would have to have passed through the atmosphere. No burn-up on re-entry? I mean, it could stretch the imagination that the lightsaber survived re-entry, but the hand??

          "The hand ends up on a desert planet"

          This HAS to be joke. (please?)

          1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

            Re: H2G2 style

            "This HAS to be joke."

            No. This is the merging of Star Wars and the Addams Family franchises and it opens the exciting possibilities of maximising the merchandising power of the synergetic union of those two thrilling dark force legacy family entertainment. And taking the Mickey...

            1. Mpeler

              Re: H2G2 style

              They didn't just merge Star Wars and the Addams Family franchises, they had Designing Women help them,

              at which point the hand was renamed "Thang"....

              (Dr.Smith - oh, the puns)....what's in that jar jar over there, anyway....whatever happened to eva glass?

            2. Bleu

              Re: H2G2 style

              Now. there is a high concept, as I am led to believe they say.

          2. Mpeler
            Coat

            Re: H2G2 style

            Actually, H2G2-style, it materializes when Luke, at wit's end, exclaims loudly, "Will someone give me a hand with this droid?!"

            (Coat, hat, lightsabre....outta here :) )

            (Just what we needed...the infinite improbability plot).....

          3. Christopher E. Stith

            Re: H2G2 style

            Garbage chute to trading vessel, trading vessel to Tattooine, most of the junk to Watto's junk shop. The hand and light saber conveniently drop off the cart into the sand, or Watto finally dies or moves locations (how long do his type live?) and that gets left behind.

            It's only fitting that the hand Anakin cut off of his son revisits the land of his slave home, right?

          4. mark 63 Silver badge

            Garbage pod!

            there are precedents - Firefly , Red dwarf , of space skips that go dump rubbish on some planet rather than drop it on their own doorstep or shoot it into space. Although i think it was established in ep5 that Imperials just dump their garbage.

            1. Bleu

              Re: Garbage pod!

              Also one that is supposed to be in the setting of Bladerunner, mostly not a good film, but has a few moments, setting is a rubbish dump planet.

          5. LDS Silver badge

            Re: H2G2 style

            And would we like to talk about an hand without any kind of force (but the Force?) applied to it leaving the gravity of a giant planet, enter the proper transfer trajectory (calculating probabilities is left as exercise to the reader) travel to another one - at what speed, and how far? also hyperspace capabilities? - Also what would happen to biological tissue suddenly exposed to space temperature? If close enough to a star there are interesting differences between the lit surface and the one in shadow.

      2. dogged

        Re: H2G2 style

        Say what you like about pod racing, it made for an actually playable LucasArts Star Wars game. As opposed to all the shit ones that only sold because they had lightwangs in.

      3. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: H2G2 style

        "like the sofa that felt in the space time breach, just to en up in the middle of the Ashes cricket tournament ..."

        Ahh, my favourite pieces of dialogue from the books. (probably not an accurate quote).

        Ford - "Eddys in the Space-time continuum."

        Arthur - "Well tell him to come pick up his sofa."

      4. OrsonX
        Happy

        Re: H2G2 style: SOFA

        I like it when the sofa later disappears, and the commentator says:

        "well that's one less thing to worry about"

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yawn.

    Of course it's realistic.... a time of advanced technology where weaponry has to be manually aimed and usually misses the target..... yeah right!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Yawn.

      Dayna Mellanby's auto-aiming gun thingy? That was cool.

  10. Frankee Llonnygog

    Perhaps someone could buy the hand in a fleamarket

    only to find its true provenance when they take it on an episode of The Antiques Spacelanes

    Or, maybe Luke uses his official Jedi Find My Lightsaber app

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      Re: Perhaps someone could buy the hand in a fleamarket

      When I read the bit about the hand being found, I was rather hoping that someone used the DNA to clone Luke and raise him as a Sith. No, someone wants to return the light stick. Lame.

      1. Grikath

        Re: Perhaps someone could buy the hand in a fleamarket

        Now the clone-and-subvert angle would have the possibility of making an interesting storyline. Which is why it would never happen.

      2. Frankee Llonnygog

        Re: Perhaps someone could buy the hand in a fleamarket

        "light stick"? Zatoichi Skywalker? Perhaps we could also throw in a bit of Lone Wolf and equip him with a laser-equipped hover-pram

  11. Anonymous Coward 101

    At least the start of this film sounds comprehensible, unlike The Phantom Menace. That film made no sense. Aside from that, this film is totally anticlimactic and pointless.

  12. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    WTF?

    SPOILER ALERT

    JJ Abrams is directing the movie.

    If that doesn't spoil it, no amount of foreknowledge of the plot is going to make a hill of beans worth of difference.

  13. wolfetone Silver badge

    Maybe...

    The hand isn't Luke's at all. Maybe it's from another dimension that will be opened up when the new WMD is fired, causing a split in space time and thus opening up the star wars universe to that of mickey mouse. Mickey Mouse gets pissed off with whoever the new Darth Vader is and gets Goofy and Daffy Duck to become fake storm troopers who then take on Darth Vader, stealing HIS light saber as Anakin Skywalker in Episode III (alternate dimension remember!), placing it back in in another planet where it is then found by some turncoat stormtrooper who then goes to find Luke.

    I await the downvotes, but I'm telling you this is a far better story line than what Disney would come up with.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Chewie back?

    Unless Peter Mayhew is playing him then it will fail.

    Fond memories of seeing him riding his 350cc Triumph to meetings of Mighty South London Triumph Owners in the mid 1970's.

    1. Steven Raith

      Re: Chewie back?

      Because waving your arms around and having gargling noises dubbed over you takes true dedication to the thespian arts than only a few, the rarest of the rare, the finest actors known to man can manage?

      Or they could just get any tall guy who can follow directions, you know.

  15. Adam Azarchs

    As fans on the expanded universe know...

    Luke's hand ended up in an imperial storehouse, where it was used to create the evil clone Luuke.

    And there were waaaay more than just the 2 failed superweapons. In addition to the two death stars and the prototype, there were the eyes of Palatine, the sun crusher, the Tarkin, and the galaxy gun, just to name a few. Turns out diversification of military assets is something the imperials never caught on to.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      Re: As fans on the expanded universe know...

      I just made a comment about cloning Luke and making him a baddie - I had no idea someone had actually written a story to the effect - which book is it in? and is it any good?

      1. WOOOOO

        Re: As fans on the expanded universe know...

        It happens in this trilogy of books, all the Thrawn books written by Timothy Zahn are excellent in my opinion.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrawn_trilogy

    2. Blue Pumpkin

      Re: As fans on the expanded universe know...

      Damn .. I was hoping the hand would end up with Morticia and Gomez ... it would be a much better film.

      Give me the Empire ...

      What do you say ?

      Right now ...

    3. Bleu

      Re: As fans on the expanded universe know...

      I am a little bit of a fan of the 'Expanded Universe', hear that a few of the novels are alright, but I don't read them because it is a tragedy that Star Wars and Star Trek books have almost replaced good speculative/science fiction at bookshops.

      I like a certain period of the comics, there were a few really good ones. Have finished some of the video games, only on small platforms and at arcades, but they are all based on events in the films.

      I think only a fanatic will know arcane details from the expanded universe.

      However, I can understand and sympathise with your disappointment at the new product ignoring the expanded universe.

  16. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Happy

    What really matters

    Of course, all the above is largely irrelevant. What eager, er, minds want to know is

    "Will there be an outing for the gold bikini?"

    1. Amorous Cowherder
      Happy

      Re: What really matters

      Steady there soldier! Fischer's aged well but not THAT well!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What really matters

        Hence using sheet metal rather than fabric for her support garment? Now there's forethought.

      2. LucreLout Silver badge

        Re: What really matters

        "Steady there soldier! Fischer's aged well but not THAT well!"

        I still would though!

  17. Daggerchild Silver badge

    Proof positive.

    And there you have it children. Proof that you *can* grow up and become famous movie makers, because *you* can *already* write better scripts than the crap they're trying to feed you.

    Is it my imagination or are comic and cartoon makers making stuff that's more intelligent than Hollywood these days? e.g. http://youtu.be/Xy_Po12VyZw

  18. JulianB

    "violate common sense and laws of physics"

    Unlike other Star Wars films and sci-fi generally...

  19. eswan

    I've seen this one already...

    >The pair set off on a quest to return the Jedi weapon to its owner, meeting

    >up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, who say they haven’t seen their friend

    >in the thirty years since The Return of the Jedi happened.

    Luke manages to send a message that he is stuck on Tatooine repairing his X-wing fighter, so the two newcomers ride with Han and Chewbacca to Chewbacca's home just in time for Life Day. They meet Chewbacca's father, Itchy, his mother Frumpy, and brother Lumpy, and they all watch a bunch of videos and holographic projections.

    1. Michael Hoffmann

      Re: I've seen this one already...

      Ah yes, the one Star Wars feature so bad that even Lucas wanted to destroy it...

  20. Karl Dane

    Today's nicely-relevant xkcd: http://xkcd.com/1397/

  21. earl grey
    Joke

    they find a shrunken dried hand with one finger raised

    Well, he hasn't changed one little bit now, has he?

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Disney does Star Wars

    Does this mean that, in keeping with just about any Disney film for the last few decades, the lead character will have a "cute, endearing" (read irritating as f**k) companion? You know... like the chameleon in Tangled, the snow man in Frozen, dragon in Mulan, parrot in Aladdin (yes, I have young children).

    If you thought episodes 1-3 were bad, imagine if Disney had been involved then, and Jar-Jar had turned out to be 6 inches tall and permanently wrapped around young Anakin's neck for 3 films? It would explain his defection to the dark side though, he'd be driven mad.

    Still, it may not be that bad, I mean Disney did such a great job with John Carter...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Disney does Star Wars

      Does this mean that, in keeping with just about any Disney film for the last few decades, the lead character will have a "cute, endearing" (read irritating as f**k) companion?

      Yeah he's called Jar Jar something... This is gonna suck balls, but make disney a shed load of cash. It'll make the first thr... err last three look like masterpieces

  23. RobHib
    Facepalm

    When did science fiction movies ever make scientific sense?

    "...violate common sense and laws of physics"

    Come on, when did science fiction movies ever make scientific sense? They're not supposed to, after all they're just entertainment.

    The last movie I saw that was vaguely credible was '2001 A Space Odyssey' and that was a long time ago. Truly great movie that it was, it still stretched credulity far past anything the rational mind ought to accept.

  24. John Savard Silver badge

    Gravity is a Conservative Force

    But since it was the cloud city of Bespin, and not the space city of Bespin, yes, it does seem the hand would have had to fall down. Had it been an orbital base, for the hand to go into an elliptical orbit would just take a little push - and a hyperbolic orbit, sending it out into space, would just take a bigger one. Even in a somewhat downwards direction.

    However, notwithstanding the laws of physics, that plot premise sounds immensely shaky.

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: Gravity is a Conservative Force

      Slingshot!

  25. Mage Silver badge

    Star Wars vs Star Trek

    Almost everything in Star Trek is either nonsensical (Energy > Matter to make a cup of tea?) or not valid physics. Don't let me get started on Transporter Beams. Even if you solved the Information content issue, the energy needed, who wants to be killed and replaced with a replica every time?

    I wouldn't worry about Star Wars. It was long ago and far away. Maybe a passing space dragon grabbed Luke's Sabre. Or a micro-worm hole in space. Or it caught on a TV aerial and the cable guy took it and dropped it later.

    I may watch it and then decide. I wasn't hospitalised on after watching the last three (though I thought Lucas and some of the Actors needed treatment).

  26. Dr Dan Holdsworth

    Plot? What's that?

    Plot in the Star Wars series is a bit like the wild giant panda; everyone's heard of it, people claim to have seen one, but it is always a friend of a friend.

    The upcoming movie will therefore have an extended spacecraft battle to sell the space flightsim game, several hand to hand lightsabre duels to sell the FPS fighting game, several big battle scenes to sell the associated MMORPG and one or two planet-side fast moving scenes to sell the racing game.

    Several different alien species will have walk-on roles; the bigger the role the closer the alien will conform to the "fluffy, large-head, large cute eyes" trope to sell plush toys. A suitably craggy hero will be present to keep the mothers of the expected hordes of pre-teen kids awake; said hero will be complemented by a suitably pneumatic female lead role to keep the young-teenage males awake and *ahem* interested.

    A large variety of weapons systems, both robotic and stormtrooper-wielded will be seen. All will share the characteristic of being so inaccurate that the wielder has next to no chance of hitting a large barn with one, even if standing inside with the doors closed (several stormtroopers will perpetuate the "really crap aim" standing joke). No truly effective large-scale weapons or tactics will be used, similarly hacking, infowar and similar technologies will be entirely absent.

    Once all the above has been slotted into the film, approximately four minutes and thirtyseven seconds will be left for a plot. The rolling titles at the start and finish will cut this by half.

    Any questions?

  27. Pet Peeve

    This rumor is completely, to borrow a British technical term, pants.

    Leaving aside the expanded universe (and please do, don't want to hear a word about it), are we expected to believe that Han and Leia, fresh off of another love-affirming rescue, just go their seperate ways and don't see each other again for 30 years? Luke and Leia are the only Jedi by blood left as of ROTJ (and do lets not talk about why that's true), so you'd think the two of them would see each other frequently over the years, and at least SOME of the time you'd expect Han and/or Chewie to be around.

    This is either disinformation, BS made up by a troll, garbled as rumors often are, or the movie is already messed up. I'm going with door #2.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    >"Perhaps the Force moves it to where it needs to be"

    See also: the incredibly moronic gobbledygook bollocks about Darth Vader's glove in the expanded universe stuff.

  29. Jim 59

    Abrahams should construct the new plot so as to tear the ****hole out of the plots of the 3 prequels, if possible.

    Maybe that is a bit harsh. Luke should wake up to find that the 3 prequels were just a nightmare following a hangover from too much Janx spirit or whatever.

    Or Alec Guinness should build a DeLorean time machine to take us all back to 1985 before the prequels happened. And we could all see some film with stills from the prequels sort of disappearing or whatever. For the lulz

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The hand ends up on a desert planet

    Respect! :D

  31. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    How the f*ck do you find a hand on a sand/desert planet before it is eaten by sandtrout?

    That hand must also have travelled a LONG time through space, so I suppose this all plays at a time that is near the moment of utter heat-death of the universe?

    1. Munchausen's proxy

      Obviously

      Naturally, it's found by an intrepid archaeologist, triggering a rollicking adventure.

      1. Flat Phillip

        Re: Obviously

        Does this intrepid archaeologist hate snakes?

  32. DJ
    Coat

    The first rule of Star Wars is...

    No main characters over the age of 21 are allowed.

    It was discovered this reduces the tendency of the audience to reason, follow plotlines, etc. and also improved sales of small, furry toy creatues in the cinema lobbies.

    Mine's the one without the toy light-saber in the pocket...

  33. James Hughes 1

    Hope the super weapon

    Is called the Tar-Ayim Krang

    1. Michael Hoffmann
      Unhappy

      Re: Hope the super weapon

      You just had to do it, didn't you?

      Make me cry and remember how I longed for a couple of good movies made of the (early) Humanx universe novels?

      Nor Crystal Tears is still one of my personal favourite First Contact novels. Or The End of the Matter - before Flinx became annoyingg.

  34. Bucky 2

    Nope, I'm done.

    "Episode II" was the last one I watched. I'm done.

    Okay: Unless, perhaps, pot legalization comes to my state.

  35. PdxStan

    You want cross genre???

    I'll give cross genre!!!

    Luke's detached hand, holding the light sabre in a death grip, gets sucked into the intake of a departing freighter. The freighter heads to an uncharted planet. While landing, it is destroyed by a tornado which dis-lodges the hand and sabre - these fall to the ground and the light-sabre be-heads the wicked witch of the east. Inexplicitly, Jar-Jar appears, puts on the ruby slippers, picks up the light sabre and kills most of the munchkins.

    Add additional chapters as you see fit.

    1. MrDamage

      Re: You want cross genre???

      No cross genre thank you.

      Last thing I want on my small screen, direct from the Syfy channel, is "Sarlaccnado".

  36. TRT Silver badge

    So that's a mechanical replacement?

    Yep. Looks and moves just like the real thing.

    Cool hand, Luke.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Re: So that's a mechanical replacement?

      Now get back on that chain gang

      1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
        Paris Hilton

        Re: So that's a mechanical replacement? - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

        Luke: All right, is this thing good to go?

        Medical Droid: Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your d1ck off.

        Paris, not a robots hand.... or is it?

  37. Major N

    As much as I love Star Wars (The Original Trilogy, of course), I still marvel at their slower-than-light lasers.

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      That's because they use so much energy to make the "pew-pew" sound in a vacuum.

  38. Ascylto

    The NEW Star Wars

    Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    Luke, I am your step-father/uncle/carer

    Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    Where's the shower room?

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Stormtroopers

    ..so only one or two of the identical in mind and body clones go rogue - quite a good failure rate really

  40. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
    Mushroom

    To lose one Death Star may be regarded as a misfortune,

    to lose both looks like carelessness.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I was expecting Kyle Katarn or something...

    ...Jedy Academy ran by Luke himself perhaps...

    The way JJ Abrams goes, we can expect anything. Both good and bad.

    Coat.

  42. TheBishop

    I think they'll probably tie it in with the Millennium Falcon's appearance in the Lego movie

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2021