back to article 'Bladdered' Utah couple cuffed in church lawn sex outrage

Guests at a Salt Lake City church wedding were treated to an unexpected display of non-marital bliss on Saturday, cops said, as they reported a couple had got jiggy on the lawn outside the House of God. According to The Smoking Gun, officer Rich Stone was flagged down outside the Sacred Heart Catholic Church at about 6pm by an …

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  1. Scott Terril

    Yeesh. Not enough brain bleach in the world...

    1. TheVogon

      Maybe they could claim that it wasn't her vagina involved, but was one of her wrinkles?

  2. Dave 126 Silver badge

    Please amend article with a NSFA note

    Not Suitable For Anywhere

    1. Anomalous Cowturd
      WTF?

      Re: Please amend article with a NSFA note

      A pair of "treble baggers" if ever I saw one...

      Not sure brain bleach is strong enough. Brain sodium hydroxide anybody?

      1. Scroticus Canis

        Re: @Anom' Cowturd - A pair of "treble baggers" if ever I saw one...

        ..and that should be just for the bloody mug shots. Think I'm going to warm up the ECT machine and see if I can erase the last 20 minutes of memory. Gah!

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Please amend article with a NSFA note

        "Brain sodium hydroxide anybody?"

        I'm not sure even that will suffice... this calls for some heavy duty mental floss!

  3. Bottle_Cap

    For the love of

    Dog nooooooooooooo! o-0

  4. TRT Silver badge

    They must be...

    The Utah stains.

  5. Richard Jones 1
    Happy

    I'm Guessing They were Not Guests Then

    Or was it a really dress down event?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Blimey...

    ... it looks like borderline necrophilia

  7. Arnold Lieberman

    It's no good

    Even staring at Ryobi Girl isn't shifting that thought. Please, no Playmobil re-enactment.

  8. Mike Moyle

    OTOH

    This *WAS* a Catholic parish, after all... If they WANTED to turn kids off of sex, seeing this would probably do it!

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Re: OTOH

      I thought it was Protestants who only had sex on every 3rd Birthday?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: OTOH

        "sex on every 3rd Birthday"

        You may wish to consider the potential implications of that comment and perhaps qualify it with 'after reaching the legal age of consent'...

        1. wolfetone Silver badge

          Re: OTOH

          Oh dear, I do see your point. I'll rephrase it.

          I thought it was Protestants who only had sex on every 3rd Birthday once they have both reached the age of consent in their local constituency and/or country?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Security guards suffer this all the time

    in any place with a public accessed restroom. All sorts of street couples doing the ugly (SWITD) in the restrooms, blocking doors.

    what's even worse is how often the act is PAID for, in trade, cash or hobo-dollars.

    Yeah, most prostitutes are NOT "Pretty Woman". Think People of Wal Mart and you've got the reality..

    You're welcome for today's diet motivation/emetic.

    1. h3

      Re: Security guards suffer this all the time

      What are hobo-dollars and what does SWITD mean ?

      I am not sure something like this would bother me too much I would be too detached from it.

      (With certain family members present I would welcome it as it might redress the balance a bit in terms of something that would annoy them as much as they annoy me the rest of the time).

      1. Blain Hamon
        IT Angle

        Re: Security guards suffer this all the time

        Hobo dollars = Something not "real money"

        SWITD = "See What I Did There?" misspelled

        1. Fibbles

          Re: Security guards suffer this all the time

          "SWITD = "See What I Did There?" misspelled"

          Makes sense. I had assumed "Sex With Intent To Disturb".

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Security guards suffer this all the time

          It's not misspelt; it's called an acronym.

          1. SteveK

            Re: Security guards suffer this all the time

            It's not misspelt; it's called an acronym.

            To paraphrase Eric Morcambe, it had all the right letters but not necessarily in the right order.

  10. Version 1.0 Silver badge

    Staged perhaps?

    Possible the "ex" of one of the couple staged it? It's amazing what $20 will buy you on the streets these days... All the same it's nice publicity - remind me to book them for the venue of a product roll out that I'm organizing in a couple of weeks.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "tongue and finger"

    He could catch all sorts off that finger.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I thought the Walking Dead was shot in Georgia. Maybe Utah is making their own version, the Effing Dead.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    IT angle?

    Oh go on it's the "Digital" reference isn't it?

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: IT angle?

      They now have a record on a computer database?

    2. Caaaptaaaain kick arse

      Re: IT angle?

      Plug and pray, innit.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It was me and my female colleague from the IT team in the company next door from the church. We took a small little break from administering the old Windows NT servers. We haven't even started having fun when we got arrested.

    I think it is unjust. If we had sex on the old servers and broke something, where would we buy a replacement PC still able to run the OS?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Poster children for the AARP?

    That 2 people eligible for AARP membership are so randy is amazing. AARP and other societies for mature people should immediately adopt them.

  16. Johnny Canuck

    Here, rinse your mind out.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiHXASgRTcA

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Here, rinse your mind out.

      Kitten alert, for fellow feliphobes. Now I have to go and look at pictures of microprocessor dice for something calming and emotionally neutral...wtf? Call that an ALU? That barrel shifter is a complete piece of crap!

    2. Martin Maloney
      Coat

      You got it wrong

      It was a church news story, not a church mews story.

      At least, you got the cat-echism right. What, though, about the dog-ma?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Mormons?

    This being Salt Lake City and all, the question must surely be asked. Were they wearing Mormon magical underwear?

    I think the IT angle in all of this is that until the Internet all we knew of such goings on was most likely confined to a three mile radius of where we actually lived. Now it's basically the land surface of the entire planet. With 7 billion people to choose from, the probability is that, no matter how nasty, someone somewhere is doing almost anything you can imagine with someone else. When Andy Warhol made the remark about in the future everyone would have fifteen minutes of fame, he omitted to mention why. Now we know.

    1. Mitoo Bobsworth
      Joke

      Re: Mormons?

      Remove the second m.

      There, fixed it for you.

    2. Laie Techie

      Re: Mormons?

      I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the largest Mormon sect). Please refer to us as LdS to distinguish us from the FLDS and other splinter groups.

      Salt Lake City is only 40% LdS, despite hosting the world-wide Headquarters and largest LdS temple (two separate buildings).

      The LdS Church sees all sex outside the bonds of marriage, so if this couple are LdS they were acting outside the teachings of the Church. The LdS also has one of the largest charities in the world, so very few members live on the street.

      Not all LdS wear temple garments - just those who have been through the temple. These garments are holy vestments, but not considered magic. Many other sects have clergy where the ministry is their full-time employment. The LdS Church has a lay clergy and open priesthood, so our holy vestments were designed to not get in the way of our 9 to 5 while still serving as a reminder of our covenants.

      Finally, the couple was outside a Catholic chapel. Btw, Catholicism is the second largest denomination in Utah.

      1. P. Lee
        Paris Hilton

        Re: Mormons?

        > The LdS Church sees all sex outside the bonds of marriage,

        Read it and weep, NSA operatives - they've got video too!

        1. Chris G Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: Mormons?

          @ P.Lee Have a beer!

          Your comment almost gave me a nasal tea wash.

      2. TheVogon

        Re: Mormons?

        So you believe in a religeon partly based on the Christianity myths, but also the 'Book of Mormon' - that was written by sticking 'seer stones' in a hat?!

        And I thought Scientologists were guillible....quality stuff this - you couldn't make it up. Oh - wait.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seer_stone_(Latter_Day_Saints)

        Perhaps you would be interested in buying some Power Balance bracelets?

        1. Tom 38 Silver badge

          Re: Mormons?

          Pfft, it's easy to sneer TheVogon, but how else would you go about reading reformed Egyptian for goodness sake!

          1. TheVogon

            Re: Mormons?

            Even If I did want to try and read an imaginary language, sticking my head in a hat with some rocks isn't very high up the list of how I might try and do it.

            However If I wanted to mountebank the gullible, well then perhaps it sounds good...

            Just to note "Scholarly reference works on languages do not, however, acknowledge the existence of either a "reformed Egyptian" language or "reformed Egyptian" script as it has been described in Mormon belief. No archaeological, linguistic, or other evidence of the use of Egyptian writing in ancient America has been discovered"

      3. Winkypop Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Mormons?

        They MIGHT have been Mormon, you don't know, they were involved in a sect act!

    3. Nuke
      Holmes

      @Arnaut the Less - Re: Mormons?

      "With 7 billion people to choose from ... Andy Warhol made the remark about in the future everyone would have fifteen minutes of fame"

      Maths was not Warhol's strong point. There are not enough 15 minutes in the remaining existence of the human race for everyone to have that much fame. I would prefer to say that quite a few people get 15 seconds of fame. 15 seconds is, for example, about the time that TV news will spend interviewing a bystander who has just witnessed some disaster or other.

  18. Chris G Silver badge

    Distraught!

    The love of my life going off and doing it with some ugly guy on a church lawn!

  19. Frankee Llonnygog

    I said, get off my lawn!

    I didn't say, get off on my lawn.

  20. GoGlen

    ARGH!

    Better warning needed. You cannot UNSEE pictures like those 2.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    > "failed to follow directions"

    ... that's pure comedy gold.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Why didn't he taser them then? Just because I wonder what the effect of tasering during sex would be?

      "Did the earth move for you darling? For me it felt like 10,000 volts shooting between us!"

  22. ecofeco Silver badge

    Having a bad day, El Reg?

    Could have done without the photos.

  23. John Tserkezis

    Hey Reg, when we said photos or it didn't happen...

    We kinda want to take that back now.

  24. Havin_it
    Windows

    In the words of Lois Griffin,

    Crystal meth is a hell of a drug.

  25. Jugernautilus

    "cost bail of over $2,000 apiece to secure their freedom"

    Somehow I don't see that happening anytime soon.

  26. Valeyard

    skewed

    Why are their faces both diagonal?!

  27. BestofAndy

    AndyL

    The kiddies could have learned something.

  28. PassiveSmoking

    Was it the first of May?

    Because according to that Jonathan Coulton song it's fine.

  29. WalterAlter
    Gimp

    Homeless porn

    Catch the wave...

  30. asiaseen

    It's a yin/yang thing...

    ...we can't all be beautiful - somebody's got to be ugly

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