back to article Steve Jobs statue: Ones and ohs and OH NOES – it's POINTING at us

Apple godhead Steve Jobs was known for his love of superb but pricey design and flawless aesthetics. So why on Earth has the fruity firm decided to immortalise him with a monstrous statue that's been described as a "huge dildo" for fanbois? Twitter critics have erupted in rage and disbelief after the statue was unveiled on …


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  1. jake Silver badge

    Flawless aesthetics?

    Uh ... no.

    In the early days, I always sat upwind of Steve.

  2. Sealand

    Is that how you remember me?

    First impression: Swiss army knife

    Second impression: A nail that was messed up in production and discarded in QC

    Lasting impression: If that's how you want to remember me, please forget about me ...

  3. JetSetJim

    As someone else has noted...

    It's a Pez dispenser - only it spits out iPhones

    Still fugly though

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bill Gates' bottle opener

    I imagine he is commissioning a batch right now.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Where do I enter the catchpa?

  6. Mephistro

    It's crap

    The artist forgot to put one of the horizontal bars in the € sign, and the $ sign is entirely missing! This isn't the Jobs we all knew!.

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: It's crap

      Not to mention the * and # used frequently in his outbursts...

      Actually, maybe not the latter, he couldn't find it on the keyboard!

  7. Return To Sender


    The reality distortion field still hard at work, I see, if they really think think that's the best of the bunch.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: RDF

      In fairness, has anyone seen the other ones? ;)

      1. Euripides Pants

        Re: RDF

        Yeah, a urinal cake could beat that thing...

  8. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    I now know where

    to hang my coat.

  9. EddieD

    Inspired by the classics

    It's a Herma.

    1. Duke2010

      Re: Inspired by the classics

      I never seen a Herma before, those cheeky Greeks! I want one.

      Thanks for the link

    2. BigG

      Re: Inspired by the classics

      Isn't the penis supposed to be at the front, rather than on top?

      1. EddieD

        Re: Inspired by the classics

        He's holding it wrong

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Inspired by the classics

        Isn't the penis supposed to be at the front, rather than on top?

        Yup - see here. Warning: may be considered NSFW, but who gets their rocks off on that (pardon the pun) really needs help IMHO :)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Inspired by the classics

      Herma - originally used to mark boundaries and dedicated to Hermes who, among other things, was Greek god of boundaries .... so see why Apple have gone for it - it aligns directly with the whole ethos of "we get you to buy one device from us and then you're trapped in our walled ecosystem"

      1. Captain Hogwash

        Re: trapped in our walled ecosystem

        That's serendipitous. I suspect the artist was going more for the idea of Hermes the messenger.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: trapped in our walled ecosystem

          Not serendipitous ... Hermae were originally boundary markers

    4. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Inspired by the classics

      It's a Herma.

      An iHerma ?

    5. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: Inspired by the classics

      Thanks @EddieD. Now I know what a Herma is, and what apotropaic magic is. I'm sure I learn more from El Reg (usually commentards) than from any other forum.

    6. VinceH

      Re: Inspired by the classics

      "It's a Herma."

      Look, this is Apple. Stop pointing out prior art, because if it existed before they (or someone on their behalf) did it, then it clearly did not because they did it first.

  10. jason 7


    ...needs to look at the slate statue of Alan Turing over at Bletchley.

    Now that's how to make a classy and fitting memorial.

    1. Duke2010

      Re: Apple.....

      Thats a good one.

      Also the Turing statue in Whitworth Gardens is simple but good. Similar to the Roosevelt and Churchill statue on Bond St. Gets people interested and interacting.

  11. BigG

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you....

    The Human CemeteriPad

  12. Crisp

    Finally! Apple shows some innovation!

    It's just a shame that "There's not enough statues of Steve Jobs" isn't really a problem that needs a solution.

  13. Ketlan


    What the fuck is it? It frightens the crap out of me!

    1. Tachikoma

      Re: WTF

      It's like that rotating beam out of Hellraiser, with random body parts and torture tools nailed onto it.

  14. Simon Harris

    The statue works for me...

    Everyone is just looking at it wrong.

  15. Trygve Henriksen

    If that's the best entry...

    I don't want to know how the rest looked...

    Frankly, that... thing... is uglier than an Xbox...

  16. Sander van der Wal

    I've seen a lot worse:

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Haha, love it, even though a tad NSFW. Apparently that is supposed to be an Xmas tree - as if anyone over 14 would believe that...

  17. TRT Silver badge

    My immediate thought? A lamplighter's ladder. Then a freaky matchstick. Then just pure and simple WTF?

  18. sabroni Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I like it!

    And it's provoking a reaction, so it MUST be art!

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Glad you do

      So if it provokes a reaction, it is art ?

      Shit provokes a reaction, does that mean it's art ?

      On the other hand, that would explain a lot about Microsoft....

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Glad you do

        Explains a lot about Tracey Emin too.

        1. Anomalous Cowturd

          @ notauser

          That's a tad harsh.

          There are half a dozen pieces of her work scattered around my home town, and they are interesting, unexpected, and thought provoking. (If they haven't been stolen / vandalised since I last saw them).

          She's not all bad.

  19. SolidSquid

    Well if nothing else, at least they got the disapproving expression down well

  20. Faye B

    Art for Art's sake

    Artist's eh! don't you just love em? You can always rely on a sculptor to be so arrogantly fixated on their own idea of 'Art' that the subject matter gets completely ignored. I'm surprised he managed to remember to put Job's head on the top of it; which probably explains why it looks like it has been stuck on at the last minute just before the approval committee arrived.

    I can sum it up with two words "bloody dreadful".

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Art for Art's sake

      >You can always rely on a sculptor to be so arrogantly fixated on their own idea of 'Art' that the subject matter gets completely ignored.

      That's not really a problem if you have lots of sculptors submitting proposals for the same commission... it is then the selection panel that chooses the final piece.

      Infact, one would use a sculptor *because* they have their own idea of art (you wouldn't expect them to fixate on somebody else's idea of art, surely? It's not as if there is a public consensus on what art is, either); otherwise you'd just use a 3D scanner and a 3D printer to create a mold for casting.

  21. James Hughes 1

    Since its supposed to be Art as opposed to a a functional device (like the iPhone), it certainly seems to tick all the right boxes.

    As with any art, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm not a fan of most modern art, but that doesn't stop it being art. Unless it's Tracy Emin, in which case it's shiteart.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pfft, It's Apple

    No need to worry, just wait for the next keynote and the iSculpture 2S

  23. SrsHXC

    That's horrific.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This Is Medieval Times!

    It looks like he's been executed and had his head stuck on spike.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: This Is Medieval Times!

      I like that the post has rounded corners...

  25. monkeyfish

    Seems like I'm alone here

    I actually quite like it. But then I generally enjoy a bit of modern art, and sculptures, so maybe it's just me...

    1. ratfox
      Thumb Up

      Re: Seems like I'm alone here

      I like it too! But I think art enthusiasts would deny that this is Modern Art. Far too conservative.

  26. Moffy


    I think it's brilliant how they clearly used Windows Paint to design it on..

  27. disgruntled yank Silver badge


    Either a skeleton key or a device for opening bottles and cans. But I can definitely see a market for replicas with sharpened ends, to play mumblety-peg with.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    That reminds me of a prop out of the horror film 'Hellraiser' series that pinhead and mates would mess about with.

  29. WonkoTheSane

    I have just the place...

    Site it straddling the San Andreas Fault... and wait.

    1. Identity

      Re: I have just the place...

      Once it falls, we can say we've often considered Steve in the abstract, but seldom in the concrete!

  30. DNTP

    If you can stick it in a dark room and it will terrify children I think it counts as art. But even though some people might want to be remembered as boogymonsters I somehow don't quite think its the correct approach for Steve Jobs.

    1. Vociferous

      > If you can stick it in a dark room and it will terrify children I think it counts as art.

      Possibly the best definition of art I've ever seen.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Modern art maybe... if a pickled (insert species Damian Hirst has pickled most recently) animal is art then that certainly is!!

  31. Tony Paulazzo

    Looks like a shit creature from John Carpenters 'The Thing' that got edited out in post production.

  32. John H Woods Silver badge

    Truly awful ...

    ... if I were an artist I'd have gone for installation art - a sculpture of an iPhone, iPad and early Mac all with working screens displaying iconic footage (e.g. that famous turtleneck picture, the macbook air reveal, etc.)

    I'm not a massive fruit fan, but I can only assume the artist hates Apple.

    1. Trygve Henriksen

      Re: Truly awful ...

      Or they could have gone Recursive...

      An oversized iPhone in a pocket, where you can se the screen, and on the screen a picture of Jobs, with an iPhone in his pocket...

    2. bombastinator

      Re: Truly awful ...

      coissioned art looks like what the people who pay for it want it to look. Aparently he was not popular in the board room, and possibly slept with one of their wives or something.

  33. Dick Pountain

    Mental Health

    I think it's sweet that Apple should be supporting "outsider art". I do too, I have a teacup with "Lobsters" written on it and with a tiny severed human head inside, made by a highly creative inmate of our local loony bin. Of course the Jobs statue doesn't quite reach that standard....

  34. system11

    It reminds me of the pillar from one of the earlier Hellraiser films.

  35. Ian 55

    From the people who brought you..

    Nice to see that the people who picked the 2012 Olympics logo still have Jobs.

    1. James Pickett

      Re: From the people who brought you..

      "the people who picked the 2012 Olympics logo"

      I wondered what had happened to them.One of the better features of the Winter Olympics was the legible logo, I thought.

  36. Stoneshop

    A cubistic

    Praying Mantis, with some rounded corners.

  37. Vociferous

    That "1" stiffy.

    Can not be unseen.

  38. Peter Simpson 1

    Molding flash

    Looks like they forgot to grind off the flash from the molding process...and to break off the "1" and the "0".

    It looks all out of proportion. But then, I'm not a sculptor and have always been pretty literal. I'm sure it will be fine, and as others have said, it looks like it includes coat and hat hooks, so it has that going for it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Molding flash

      I thought Apple didn't do Flash?

  39. James Pickett

    "the result of a competition"

    Did they print the list with an ascending sort rather than a descending one? Or just hold it upside down..?

    1. Stoneshop

      That list

      They were holding it wrong

  40. Lars Silver badge

    It could be saved

    If they put say 59 of them outside Cupertino forming an Apple. Would at least confuse the dogs.

    1. Lars Silver badge

      Re: It could be saved

      Putting an Apple apple on his head might brighten up the thing too.

  41. g e

    I can't think what it reminds me of more...

    The Thing



    Death Machine

    I'm going with Hellraiser as it looks like a dismembered body nailed to a wooden post

  42. bigtimehustler

    Haha crazy, I think if he were alive to see this it would be one of his ranting and raving moments in the office where he tells everyone to fuck off and think about it again, using their brains this time.

  43. Jim 59

    It looks like a tasteless prop from some low budget 70's horror film.

    Seems not sufficiently respectful for the memory of Steve Jobs.

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hey, guys - I think I found out where they got the idea...

  45. Bottle_Cap

    kill it, kill it with fire!

  46. sjsmoto

    The key to Jony Ive's executive washroom?

  47. wolfetone Silver badge

    All that money

    And you still can't buy class.

  48. PaulyV

    All is well in the world when Frank Sidebottom is better immortalised than Steve Jobs:

  49. Anonymous Coward

    That's one ugly sculpture!!

    Maybe it's really supposed to be fanboi's head on a spike??

    1. Petrea Mitchell

      Re: That's one ugly sculpture!!

      Exactly what I was thinking: it's what Bill Gates has always wanted!

  50. Sporkinum

    I was hoping for dear leader to be immortalized this way.

  51. Marcus Fil

    How to say 'Bit of a prick'

    ..without actually writing it?

    1. Peter Simpson 1

      Re: How to say 'Bit of a prick'

      Have an upvote!

      Can you read Cyrillic?

      (apparently, what I thought was molding flash, is actually Cyrillic letters...)

  52. Stevie


    "looks like T-1000 after Arnie gave it both barrels "

    It's funny because it's true.

    1. Michael Thibault

      Re: Bah!

      You're being insensitive! And it's NOT funny.

  53. Decade

    What can make you wish for Scott Forstall to come back?

    I've been reconsidering Jonathan Ive's actual design taste ever since he replaced all the fonts with spindly light text on low-contrast backgrounds. I thought the home movies with the unreadable white text were amateur mistakes, but now the marketing materials on feature that, too. It's hideous.

    Now this. Ive should never have been let out of the industrial design lab.

  54. Vociferous

    Their mistake: they let an artist do it.

    When they clearly wanted an industrial designer accustomed to working in white ABS plastic.

    1. Kristian Walsh Silver badge

      Re: Their mistake: they let an artist do it.

      Actually It pleases me no end to think that Jobs himself would have absolutely hated this statue's organic, sloppy style with such obvious signs of the maker's hand all over it.

      Something in smooth-polished Carrara marble or alabaster, inlaid with titanium or platinum would have suited The Leader's tastes a lot better. Yes, such a style would perhaps evoke an unwanted association with the public art of totalitarian states throughout history, but that cap definitely fits Apple under SJ.

      But given my choice, I'd prefer to see Clarus back grazing beside DeAnza Blvd just once before Apple ups sticks and heads to the Great Glass Grommet.

  55. Irony Deficient

    everybody’s a critic

    My first thought was “Pez gas-pump*”. The slithering, rough-hewn letters are what make it work; however, to me, the digits contribute nothing †. To my eye, the chin looks a bit too prominent.

    * — Gas as in petrol; pump of the 1940s North American variety.

    † — Note to self: reflect on banality of technological “revolutions”. Yup; it’s art.

    1. Lars Silver badge

      everybody’s a critic

      I will agree with that having read all this, not a lot of cheers, indeed. I am now trying to be fair and leave my mean nature for a short while.

      Among all the contenders there must have been several statues in the Lenin Stalin Mao type, right arm raised with some iThing in the hand. Liberty size perhaps, with a cafeteria in the iThing too perhaps. As that did not happen lets consider some other, sure as hell, contenders, the product statue. Perhaps a king size Mac, the plexi one, as a restaurant or perhaps a more modest buss stop or a "pissoir". That did not hit either so now we are left with a golden apple or some tangled steel construction a la Dali or something. The jury did not bend and now we will have to accept this herma. But look at the head, why this "death mask head". Jobs was a good looking chap most of his life. Around Apple II I was very impressed with Apple and him and a certain third person. And there is something wrong in the relation between the size of the head and the rest. And what about the E. It's like looking at a thalidomide child who died from starvation, put on a stick to remind drug companies of their responsibility. The elk shaped penis to the right makes the poor child look like a road kill. Non of my business but why did Apple not give us a change to choose between say eight "contenders" just for fun.

  56. MrDamage Silver badge

    What were the fanbois expecting?

    An iFleshlight for them to show Steve exactly how much they loved him?

  57. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    I assume this is the staue with its iOS 7 skin

    It'll look better after they release iOS 8.

  58. Turtle

    The Riddle Solved!: Here's why.

    "So why on Earth has the fruity firm decided to immortalize him with a monstrous statue that's been described as a 'huge dildo' for fanbois?"

    Because Apple has been applying "huge dildos" to fanbois for years. Therefore the statue is... appropriate.

  59. Donkey

    It looks like part of an old iron bedstead or fence post that has been vandalised by a dyslexic welder with no artistic talent.

    I thought Apple was supposed to be successful because of it's styling and design. Erecting this monstrosity will just make the company a laughing stock and speed the demise of the apple myth. A plastic dog turd on a plinth would be more tasteful and somehow more appropriate.

  60. Winkypop Silver badge

    I have a soft spot for the statue

    It's down near the swamp, it should sink without trace quickly.

  61. bombastinator

    I get the impression the people who commissioned it and oked the model intensely disliked the guy.

    none the less I would like to see it built just so passers by can put spare condoms on that "one".

  62. proud2bgrumpy

    It's the robot from "Logans Run"

    You are all wrong - this is the robot "Box" from the 1976 movie "Logans Run" starring Michael York and Jenny Agutter

  63. Breen Whitman

    I see what the artist was trying to achieve. The piece represents the mortality of Steve Jobs and the logical reverence of Apple using hipsters. For the piece is a dildo that is imagined to be rapidly thrust in and out of job's rectum by Apple fans - each thrust reaffirms the bond of the two.

    We can all agree I feel that I have hit the proverbial nail on the head.

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