> Now all I need is to find a good Linux distro that has help files that are actually useful and a n00b guide that doesn't insult me for not being a Linux guru on the first day.
Ah, yes, hm... The help/man files in Linux are rarely very useful, containing either way too little information or waaaay too much, but as long as you stick to a Debian-based distro (e.g. Ubuntu or Mint) then Google is your friend for any task you might want to do. Debian-based distros are compatible with each other, so programs and tips for Ubuntu works for Mint and the other way around.
I also found it helped me a lot to make a textfile where I would cut & paste the tips I found on the net on things ranging from how to find files to how to resize a ZFS partition, because you're likely going to have to look them up several times.
If you're going to run in emulation or on weak hardware, I'd recommend Mint with XFCE; if you've got a decent machine then I'd recommend Mint with Cinnamon. If you know Windows you'll find them both quite intuitive. I would not recommend Ubuntu, except for a dedicated server, the desktop is in my experience both unstable and unintuitive.
As for the insulting attitude and e-peen contests, it's impossible to avoid if you ever get in any online Linux discussions, but you don't have to suffer it in everyday usage.