back to article BOFH: Welcome to Helldesk, ma'am, may I take your bags?

"You're looking stressed!" the PFY says to the Boss, who's behaving more irrationally than usual. "What?" the Boss responds. "Stressed," the PFY says. "You. Look. Stressed." "Oh. Yes," the Boss says, looking around in a semi-dazed manner. "Have a stack of Service Desk Candidate's CVs to look through." "What for?" "For …

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  1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
    Pint

    Excellent

    Raised a smile at the start of a long dreary Friday - roll on beer o'clock

  2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    summary execution as the preferred method of sorting out paper jams,

    Ah, if only...

    1. Code Monkey

      One day ...

    2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

      "

      summary execution as the preferred method of sorting out paper jams,

      Ah, if only...

      "

      You mean, there is another way?

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Death by a thousand paper cuts.

  3. Cliff

    Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

    Right hand pile goes into the bin. After all, you wouldn't want to employ someone who was unlucky, would you?

    1. Francis Vaughan

      Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

      I think the fact they are applying for a helpdesk position answers the luck question already.

      The lucky ones went in the bin.

      1. Evil Auditor
        Thumb Up

        Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

        Francis, how true!

        It's been yonks since I was in helldesk, I guess some of you commentards weren't even born then. But I do remember that I responded more quickly to cute girls' problems and spent more time solving it than with others. How bad a person does that make me?

        1. Marvin the Martian

          Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

          Given that with almost certainty, the 'cute girls' vastly outnumbered the 'rest' (male & female), if you spent more time with them they were either a bunch of incredibly troublesome employees, or you didn't have enough work to do by far.

          1. Evil Auditor

            Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

            Almost certainly there was always enough to do. But back in those pre-ticketing system and pre-KPI days issues tended to go away if left to themselves. Not all, of course, but quite a few. So it didn't matter that much how much time I spent with the cute girls.

            But, at least, one of them, the very busty one, was really terribly stupid. I remember well when she phoned to tell me that she couldn't print out anymore. Instead of my usual (non-cute girl) response on the phone on checking power, etc. I went to see her, erm the printer. First check, green light was on. Second check, open the tray only to find it being empty...

            There where, of course, many other users' stupidities and I'm sure other commentards could add lots of them, too. (Using the mouse on the screen, anyone else?) But she was the only one I know who got fired for being too stupid to do her job as secretary. And S., in case you read this and recognise - nah, that won't happen.

          2. Colin Tree

            Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

            they were blonde

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

          It's a general rule that helpdesk service will favor those who bring the IT department gifts of food.

          1. Captain Scarlet

            Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

            Erm yes, or pay rises

          2. Rick Giles

            Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

            And don't be a complete asshole/bitch about your problem either.

          3. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Dim Dave and Bubbly Becky say, based upon a belter welter of their experience ....

            It's a general rule that helpdesk service will favor those who bring the IT department gifts of food. .... AC Posted Friday 4th October 2013 10:25 GMT

            And free rides are also sweet and sticky treats which are bliss and hard to resist and deny oneself ..... and especially so when conservatively accompanied in tandem and supportive of the PFY's concluding remark. ...."He said something about the one with the biggest tits!"

            Not too high a profile allows for a not too short and frantic time for pleasures.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

          I, too, spent many years on the helpdesk for a product our team was producing. And, yes, the cute [1] gals always got preferential treatment. Sadly, though, 99 percent of the help candidates were remote, sometimes on the far side of the planet, so my chances for mischief were significantly reduced. Still, a pleasant voice went a long way towards getting better service.

          [1] Where the definition of cute depends upon local standards (e.g., Rubenesque!).

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Separate CV's into 2 piles arbitrarily

            Ah, helpdesking the nice girls.

            Got me some interesting troubleshooting sessions, I tells thee.

            Anon - for very, very obvious reasons.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Having helped on cv selection for some tech roles, I loved that description, it had me genuinely laughing out loud and a collegue had to ask what the serious faced professional consultant had actually found to be amusing :D

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oops

    If only in my youth (and long before the relevant legislation) I hadn't used the same selection criteria as the previous Helldesk supervisor .... and I'm interviewing today!

  6. ukgnome

    When I got this job....

    I was asked as part of the bullshit interview questions what I'd spend my cash on.

    My reply was cake, although the interviewees also said that wild women, ale and porn is acceptable.

    1. Rol Silver badge

      Re: When I got this job....

      My reply was antidepressants.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    After receiving my third email of the day about timesheets.

    The power saw line is ringing very true.

    They still haven't added the time code for 'questioning my self-worth'.

    1. MrDamage

      Re: After receiving my third email of the day about timesheets.

      One of the companies I used to work for demanded timesheets that were broken down into 15 minute increments.

      Of course, 15 minutes of every hour was dedicated to "Filling out superfluous paperwork".

  8. ADJB

    I always read BOFH for the humor but looking through the door to our hell desk all I see is reality in this episode.

  9. knarf

    Paper CVs??

    Who sends paper CVs anymore!

    1. <shakes head>

      Re: Paper CVs??

      hr always print it out

      1. robmobz

        Re: Paper CVs??

        yes but in that case they would all be on white paper so it seems that in this case at least some of them were actually sent via snail mail.

      2. Justin 9

        Re: Paper CVs??

        thats the job justified for HR, handing you the printout

    2. Christian Berger

      Re: Paper CVs??

      Last year I applied at a German hosting company and my interviewer had a whole folder dedicated with the paperwork for the interview. Seriously the best interview I ever had even though they didn't take me.

  10. Stoneshop Silver badge

    Funny

    Latest addition to the helldesk here is a petite Asian woman.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Funny

      Oddly enough... here too!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Funny

      Could be useful. In my experience you should never mess with petite Asian women.

  11. TRT Silver badge

    Best line ever...

    "If he's here," the PFY murmurs quietly, "who's running the Death Star?"

    1. Chad H.

      Re: Best line ever...

      I think you'll find that this battlestation is fully operational (only when he's not there).

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Singular or plural?

    Was that biggest tits or tit? If the latter, we have an ideal candidate managing our team.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    team selection

    In my first job one of the team leaders used to select junior staff based upon what position the person could play in their mid-week 5-a-side team

  14. earl grey
    Pint

    well played

    Cheers

  15. Robert E A Harvey
    Pint

    Hurrah!

    So that's my CV rendered worthless, then.

    A certain company in the Aberdeen area, which shall remain nameless but it's initials were Racal Survey, used to insist on photos with CVs. Rumour was they wanted to silently avoid anyone with a non-reflective cast to their skin.

    I had my picture taken in a Ginger wig with pigtails and painted freckles on.

    I got the job.

  16. ShadowDragon8685

    Yay! The Bastard updated!

    This one had me laughing, but the PFY scuttling the Boss at the end seems like that was more open malice than anything. This particular Boss hadn't done anything to actively attempt to sabotage, blackmail, or harass the Bastard and the PFY, nor was he being a colossal idiot to same effect.

    Seems like he just torpedoed the Boss simply because he could, rather than for any practical reason.

    1. Atonnis

      Re: Yay! The Bastard updated!

      Which is one of the core points of being a Bastard, I believe...?

    2. Danvighar
      Trollface

      Malicious?

      Naw, it's just time for a new boss. They have a shelf life, and this one has just learned Too Much. It's for the best really, now he can go be a bastard interviewer elsewhere.

    3. unitron
      Holmes

      Re: Yay! The Bastard updated!

      "Seems like he just torpedoed the Boss simply because he could, rather than for any practical reason."

      The most practical reason of all, my dear Watson--to keep in practice.

      One never knows when one will need to exercise that particular skill at a moment's notice.

  17. Craig 28

    I seem to recall the PFY scuppering a boss he actually liked once, it's a reflex that you can't turn off apparently. His comment seemed spontaneous enough that this seems to track at least, he always has had a tendency to open his mouth before thinking.

    This made my day, both the PFY's torpedoing the boss and his death star comment in particular but overall excellent.

  18. sisk
    Coffee/keyboard

    Note to self: do not read BOFH during lunch. Anyone got a keyboard they can loan me till I can get to the store for a new one?

  19. Richard Altmann
    Facepalm

    Using the mouse on the screen, anyone else?

    It must have been the cousin of the lady who tried using the mouse as a pointing device.

    1. Tucker
      WTF?

      Re: Using the mouse on the screen, anyone else?

      Ha, Last week I had one ask me how to use the foot peddle. I went to check what she was doing, and she had her shoe off and was trying to use the mouse on the floor with her foot. I groaned, went got a new mouse, and nicely told her how to use it.

      And she was only 21.

  20. Graham Marsden
    Thumb Up

    At last...

    ... a BoFH story that doesn't involve cattle prods or "accidental" deaths (or both).

    (I have nothing against them, just that too many recent BoFH tales have used these devices.)

  21. skeptical i

    "supervisor's unspoken belief that [] knowledge is in some way linked to cup size"

    Sadly, not isolated to the IT industry, although possibly more prevalent here because women are still rare (and thus preciousssss?).

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ha ha ha, like my old helpdesk,....

    like the woman who turned up with hair styled and a long sleeve dress for the interview, and then on the first day rocked up in Dr Maartens and short sleeves to show off her tattoos,

    Or the vacuous brunette with the degree in psychology and a bad case of being a sociopath,

    Or the asian woman who refused to do the same task twice, because she "knew it now" and wanted to be promoted to Sysadmin inside 4 weeks.

    Yep, seen em all.

  23. Sheep!
    Pint

    Awesome

    Bwahahahaha!!

    As a Helldesk operator I heartily concur! Pint for accuracy of job description :-)

  24. Sheep!

    It's an accurate job description..

    In recent times I have had to reset the same person's password 3 times in one day because they forgot the new password they created twice in 3 hours, and spent 15 minutes trying to help someone reset their password until I discovered they were spelling their own name wrong. There's 6 of us, and 10,000 of these **insert creative expletive here**

    Undies and power saws don't even begin to describe it!

  25. Justin 9

    I sought help.......

    Another good one. The most IT illiterate person ringing in has already sought help for the 2nd most IT illiterate person in the company making nothing else than a desk visit the only choice.

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