back to article Beat the UK's incoming smut filter: Pre-censor your grumble flicks

Smut-lovers across the UK will be able to beat Cameron's censorship ban and watch grumble movies - as long as they don't mind all the rude bits being cut out. A new website is now offering fully Tory-proof filth by taking pornographic films and then slicing away all the naughty moments, leaving only the appallingly scripted …


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  1. wowfood

    And now

    I have something to give to kids to explain what porno is.

    1. codejunky Silver badge

      Re: And now

      Not really. Sounds like an action film with all the action taken out. A short story with little happening :)

      1. Amorous Cowherder

        Re: And now

        Sounds more like what the late, great Bill Hicks described of his experiences of motel porn channels, "It's fantastic! This is porn with all the porn removed! They've taken all the ladies out and what do we get to see? The guy's hairy ass! I went down to reception to pay my bill the next day, the clerk says to me, 'Ah so you're the guy buying all them hairy-bobbing-man-ass films.' "!

    2. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: And now

      No, you have something to show them what bad acting is.

      1. wowfood

        Re: And now

        Ah, but when kids are growing up and hearing about porn etc, I can just send them to that site. Then they'll be all. "That's porn? What the hell is all the fuss about?" and never watch it again.

        *nods as if he believes anything he's saying*

        1. Nym

          OMG you mean

          The Reg isn't porn?

      2. h3

        Re: And now

        Those Spike TV ones (Think they are called PG Porn) are pretty funny - especially the Alan Tudyk one.

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

          And now for something completely different

          Sorry, couldn't resist

          Mine is the one with Monty's Encyclo Pythonia in the pocket

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I was told

      Watching it would make me blind.

      30 years later I still have perfect vision, they lied to me.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I was told

        It wasn't the 'watching' that they were worried about, it another action starting with the letter W... that is the problem (apparently).

  2. stragen001


    From the subheading I thought this was going to be about a futurama style shock collar to dissuade people from watching porn...

    1. mikejcpt

      Re: bzzzt!

      A zapper won't work as a deterrent. There are entire lines of electo-stim products on the market just for those who enjoy a little extra shock.

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Re: bzzzt!

        or a lot...

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

          Re: bzzzt!

          No, a lot goes


          According to Simon

      2. Crazy Operations Guy

        Re: bzzzt!

        Well not a zapper, but 'The Zapper' will kill your libido pretty quickly...

        Mines the red velour coat with the DOOP patch.

      3. Havin_it

        @mikejcpt Re: bzzzt!

        >electo-stim products

        I wonder if David Cameron owns any of those?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: bzzzt!

      Oh, I'm sure the fascist UK will develop that next.

      Though it'll be tweaked to prevent people from thinking certain things.

  3. auburnman

    They should have left the sex scenes in but censored the offending areas with the floating heads of Cameron and Clegg. Then dub over the moaning with old Party Political Broadcasts.

    1. Jim Carter
      Thumb Up

      That's the most evil thing I've ever heard...

    2. Rob


      Pass me the mind bleach...

    3. veti Silver badge

      If you want to set up your own site, and edit the films your own way...

      ... I promise not to visit.

    4. Simon Harris


      Why did I have to choose my tea-break to read your post?

      You owe me a box of kleenex...

      ... to clean up the tea-splatter mess of course - not for for the other thing!

    5. MJI Silver badge

      More evil

      Add the Milliband as well

      1. auburnman
        Thumb Up

        Re: More evil

        Makes sense: Cameron for c**ts, Clegg for c**ks and Millband for t*ts. And Gordon Brown for Ar**holes.

        1. theblackhand

          Re: More evil - possibly crossing the line....

          Teemager: Is this how a coalition is made?

          Father: Probably...

          1. Michael 47

            Re: More evil - possibly crossing the line....

            To be fair - I'm not sure any porno in all of history has ever shown a clusterf**k as big as the current coalition...

    6. AceRimmer

      I'm sure there was something called "Wanking Dangerously" on Tvgohome (Either the website or the book) which was a hardcore porn film randomly cut with an interview with Ann Widdecombe

      1. auburnman

        Re: Wanking Dangerously

        Now THAT is Evil.

    7. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Would that be 'Lemon Party Political Broadcasts' ?

      I think I'm going to go vomit now...

  4. Alan 6

    Reminds me of the 80's

    Reminds me of my student days when I worked in a video library in the evenings, the top row of adult movies where seriously crap, featuring titles such as "Waves of Lust", these movies were simply taped from German satellite channels with all the interesting parts edited out, some even had the channel logos.

    Nowadays I think these films would sail through with a 15 certificate

  5. Great Bu

    What di they do with the cuttings ?

    Is there a site with just the bits they cut out ?

    1. Michael Habel
      Thumb Up

      Re: What di they do with the cuttings ?

      I think its called RedTube.

      1. Frankee Llonnygog

        Re: I think its called RedTube.

        You can get some ointment for that

  6. Graham Marsden

    Thank you Mr Cameron!

    Now we don't have to be corrupted by the eeeevilll porn and we can just enjoy the intelligent dialogue, magnificent acting and wonderful music without all the disgusting sex spoiling the fun!

    (Icon because Cameron's ideas are a complete joke)

  7. adnim

    I already pre-censor everything I watch...

    I read the title.

    Don't need no further help thanks.

  8. Pascal Monett Silver badge


    It seems like the sneakernet is in for a revival if ever this scheme goes through.

    Pron prevails !

  9. Khaptain Silver badge

    Puritanical Britain

    Queen Victoria must be rocking and a rolling to the sound of Rule Britania.

    It's ironic really because there appears to be a fair bit of Brit produced porn on the web these days. The porn industry is a generator of big bucks, therefore tax dollars, Cameron is cutting his throat to spite his face.

    What's the betting that TOR client usage will increase in Britain within the coming months/years.

    You can smoke until your lungs collapse, drink until your liver fails but you can't have a wank........Gotta love the British laws.

    1. Rob

      Re: Puritanical Britain

      And that's only because the government haven't figured out a way to tax wanking, plus it would be double standards, the wankers we call politicians try to pay as little tax as possible.

      (Apologies for using the same icon again, but it's the only one that describes the how the world is slowly unravelling at the seams).

      1. Michael Habel

        Re: Puritanical Britain

        Yet they expect everyone else like Google, MicroSoft, Amazon to pay over the odds when it comes to Taxation. Cause paying the "right" amount of Tax is to them, not the same thing as paying for the Tax on Morality...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Puritanical Britain

        "...because the government haven't figured out a way to tax wanking..."

        Proof of which might be their extreme reluctance to tax the wealthy wankers that fund the party.

    2. BristolBachelor Gold badge

      Re: Puritanical Britain

      If it really is as you say, then I hope they have removed all the ankles too. Don't want anyone to be offended.

      1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

        Re: Puritanical Britain

        That's horribly. How will they be able to walk without ankles?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      re: cutting his throat

      People might pay to watch that

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: re: cutting his throat


  10. Crisp

    In a shocking twist of events

    The Digital Playground 2005 film Pirates is still surprisingly watchable.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: In a shocking twist of events

      Oddly enough the only movie I have ever bought the merchandise for...

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh, I'll tell ya what happens next. It goes like this:

    .... *

    * the content of the above message has been deleted in accordance with DMCA, local copyright regulations and numerous other laws on decency and political and emotional dissent. Any thoughts in contravention of the above shall result in the termination of the bearer(s) of such thoughts.

    Long live the Cameronia! Long live the Dwarves!

  12. oddie

    Sad times

    I assume the site did its best to edit out all the naughty parts, but unfortunately my corporate "No! No! No!" filter has it pegged as pornography and refuses to let the data through :(

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Political prudery

    I recall buying a supposedly legit DVD copy of Shekhar Kapur's "Bandit Queen" in Delhi's Palika Bazaar about 10 years ago. The film was controversial in India in more ways than you can count, and I was surprised to even see a copy - far more surprised to see the DVD also managed to squeeze in 2 other politically iffy movies (names forgotten). A bloody bargain, I thought, what could go wrong? The shoehorning of 3 titles onto a supposedly 2 hour format should have been a clue; the Indian Film censorship board. A graphic, well made movie about an abused lower caste woman turned dacoit (bandit) who was raped by men from an upper caste and went on a heavily armed payback spree, killing 22 villagers in a notorious massacre before ending up in jail after a widely attended ceremonial surrender was always going to give the censors a field day, and by the time they'd finished hacking away at the nudity and upsetting politics, the original 119 minute film was lopped down to about 30 at best, taking the usual "scenes likely to offend national sensibilities" rationale to an ultimate extreme beyond even the Daily Mail's wettest dreams.

    I'm sure its an approach the Friends of Dave would recognise and applaud.

  14. markw:

    What's the problem?

    Nothing has been censored. Nothing has changed.

    The last time I visited my ISP's site (TalkTalk) I was asked if I wanted to activate a "child-friendly" filter. I ticked "no".

    What is the problem exactly?

    1. BristolBachelor Gold badge

      Re: What's the problem?

      I think the problem is when it then switches the other way (to save the children). Then you won't be asked if you want to deactivate it (to save the children), but you'll have to hunt around, maybe stay on hold for 40 minutes to speak to someone.

  15. Mr C

    they deserve the 'happy ending of the year award'

    because, afaik porn movies always end happily, so that site must be a spring of happiness :D :D

  16. John Smith 19 Gold badge

    *Look* at the list. It's got damm all to do with pron. It's a nightmare dump of Clare Perry's


    1. ACx

      Re: *Look* at the list. It's got damm all to do with pron. It's a nightmare dump of Clare Perry's

      Is it wrong if Clare Perry makes me horny?

      1. John Smith 19 Gold badge

        Re: *Look* at the list. It's got damm all to do with pron. It's a nightmare dump of Clare Perry's

        "Is it wrong if Clare Perry makes me horny?"

        Obviously, by definition.

        And you can bet there will be a category on the filter list for that.

        Probably below "Esoteria."

        WTF that is.

  17. Emilio Desalvo

    The creepiest thing about Peeping Dwarfs is that it's in Italian with the usual Polish "dubbing"...

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Porn movies have sound and dialogue....?

    Wow, never knew that. Must widen my horizons.

    1. Khaptain Silver badge

      Re: Porn movies have sound and dialogue....?

      I am not sure thar the term "dialogue" is actually appropriate. "Collaborative grunting" might be more precise..

  19. zb

    seven people of small stature peeking as Snow White ...

    Now that takes me back 50 years and the best porno movie title I ever saw:

    'The dwarf and the seven Snow Whites'

  20. Spoonsinger

    Isn't this just.....

    1980's UK Hotel pay per view style flicks, dressed up for the 21st century?

  21. OzBob

    Bugger, now I will have to spend all my porno budget

    on prostitutes.

    1. codejunky Silver badge

      Re: Bugger, now I will have to spend all my porno budget

      @ OzBob

      You could say this would put more money into the pockets of hard working young women. Maybe this is an attempt to get more money into the economy?

  22. Willington

    There's no way I'm ever going to follow a link called "Cameron Porn". Eeeeeuwww

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