Rest your head against a train window, hear VOICES in your SKULL

Sky's ad agency has been showing off train windows capable of pushing ads direct into the skulls of tired commuters, as though advertising wasn't all-pervasive enough already. The Talking Window uses bone conduction to startle commuters who rest their weary head against the glass of the train window, admonishing them for …

[Anonymous Coward]

There's more than one way to communicate a message through somebodies skull

Where's my axe.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: There's more than one way to communicate a message through somebodies skull

The voices made you do it...

[LaeMing]

Public service with a brick.

So now when some vandal smashes a train window, they can validly claim provocation?

[smudge]

Re: Public service with a brick.

More than that - they could claim a "public interest" or "for the public good" defence.

[Will Godfrey]

Re: Public service with a brick.

Mine's the one with the 2lb lump hammer in the pocket

[auburnman]

I'd love to see them try to pull this off

I can just imagine the uproar in the news if they announced they were installing these. Commentators would decry the end of the free world as your own head is no longer free from adverts, the more impulsive among us would vandalize them, hypochondriacs would complain about how they have constant migraines and can't sleep since these came along - leading to ambulance chasers egging some of them on to sue - and amongst all of this Sky's already iffy public rep would nosedive as tired commuters badmouth them in public and on Facebook for not letting them snooze.

[Ragarath]

Re: I'd love to see them try to pull this off

Or as an alternative, you could just not rest your head on the window!

[MJI]

Re: I quite like the train noises

The hum of wheels on rail, sometimes the thrum of the engines, it is relaxing.

Bring in sadverts and people will get annoyed

[GeorgeTuk]

Re: I quite like the train noises

I used to but the clanging of the door warning really cuts through me, probably the idea but I hate it!

[MJI]

Re: I quite like the train noises

Shows my age, last national network trains I was on was an HST and some 158 DMUs, no door warnings,

[Kubla Cant]

Re: I quite like the train noises

Plus, on longer journeys,

"This is your Under-Assistant Senior Train Conductor speaking. We will shortly be arriving in X. If you are leaving the train, please make sure that you take all your bags and personal belongings with you when you leave the train. We thank you for travelling with Y today and wish you a safe onward journey. ... The buffet in coach F is now open, selling a range of hot and cold beverages, sandwiches and snacks. ... First class is in coaches A and B at the front of the train. Coach E is a quiet coach [not that you'd notice]. Gargle, bargle, blah, blah, blah."

[MJI]

Re: I quite like the train noises

WTF is a train conductor, I didn't know they now had orchestras!

[David Glasgow]

Re: I quite like the train noises

And the train conductor says

"Take a break driver 8, driver 8 take a break

We can reach our destination, but we're still a ways away"

[hplasm]

Re: WTF is a train conductor

It's like a Bus Conductor, but on a train, see?

[MJI]

Re: WTF is a train conductor

Trains have guards though.

Still looking for an orchestra on a bus as well!

[Vic]

Re: WTF is a train conductor

> Trains have guards though.

Not any more. They're "Train Managers" now...

Vic.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: I quite like the train noises

You forgot "station stop"

As opposed to random stop for 20mins,a quarter of a mile outside the station when we are already 20mins late ?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I quite like the train noises

Not all announcements are bad. A train I was on recently had the announcement :

"Please be careful of the large gap between the train and the platform while leaving, as you may injure yourself and will certainly look silly if you do."

Raised a few smiles around the carriage.

[sisk]

Re: I quite like the train noises

"Please watch your head while standing up. Should you fail to watch your head, please watch your mouth."

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I quite like the train noises

On many routes around London they've just got to the end of those announcements before beginning the litany of instructions about the next (station) stop offering exciting connections to..., please remember to take all your items, thank-you for being a customer and sorry for any inconvenience cause by the late running of this service. Repeated moments later when the train arrives at the station, then a welcome to the train and they're off again..shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

[Dazed and Confused]

So can I send Rupert an invoice for my train ticket?

Advertising on TV means I can watch the TV for free.

Advertising on El'Reg again means I can read El'Reg for free

If they're going to engage in advertising like this then it is reasonable for them to pick up the bill, so I can travel for free.

[.stu]

Re: So can I send Rupert an invoice for my train ticket?

"Advertising on TV means I can watch the TV for free."

You would think that wouldn't you, but on Sky you pay a subscription to watch the adverts.

[This Side Up]

Re: So can I send Rupert an invoice for my train ticket?

"Advertising on TV means I can watch the TV for free."

Except that you pay for it in the price of everything you buy, and as a nation we pay a lot more for commercial tv than we do for the BBC.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: So can I send Rupert an invoice for my train ticket?

If you're watching adverts on Sky, you're doing it wrong.

[A J Stiles]

Re: So can I send Rupert an invoice for my train ticket?

No, you pay the subscription so you can pause the show for 10 minutes at the beginning, then fast-forward through the adverts.

[gerryg]

taxis

So you use some (a lot) of your hard earned to take a black cab in London - not a bargain but your choice

You sit down, relax back in the solitude, away from the rain, taking a break from the Northern Line

And there's a fscking LCD screen pushing adverts at you - your only option, other than getting out again, is to turn the sound down.

I'm surprised it took so long for trains.

[returnmyjedi]

What is Sky Go?

I'm confused. Is it something to do with SkyDrive?

[hplasm]

Re: What is Sky Go?

SkyGo, SkyDrive, SkyTrain.

Next? SkyDive.... (we can hope...)

[Evil Auditor]

Hammer blow

Who in his/her right mind rests his/her head on a train window?

I did it once when I fell asleep. Until the oncoming train passed by and my head felt like being hit by a hammer. Never ever again.

[Dan 55]

Re: Hammer blow

It helps if you close the window before resting your head on it.

[Evil Auditor]

Re: Hammer blow

@Dan 55, that explains a lot!

[MJI]

Re: Hammer blow

That is what they call the forces applied to the track by steam locomotives

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hammer_blow

[jubtastic1]

What an amazingly cunty idea

Sky pushes the envelope once more.

[John Smith 19]

Re: What an amazingly cunty idea

Probably thought up by a marketing conslutant.

[Anonymous Coward 15]

Re: What an amazingly cunty idea

I see what you did there.

[John Smith 19]

AC@11:38

I see what you did there.

You've got the con from confidence trickster combined with, according to some dictionaries, a "person of loose morals."

It won't make the next OECD, but after that......

[Kubla Cant]

Re: AC@11:38

@John Smith 19 "It won't make the next OECD"

Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development? Do you perhaps mean the OED?

[John Smith 19]

Re: AC@11:38

"Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development? Do you perhaps mean the OED?"

Oops. Typed without checking.

Which I think is what created it in the first place.

[Dazed and Confused]

bone conduction

Is normally a pain when travelling. It means you hear the damn vehicle you're endeavouring to fall asleep on. You lean your head on the wrong part of the plane seat and suddenly the drone of engines is much louder despite all the cotton wool/ear plugs/noise cancelling... you might be trying to use to minimise the noise.

I wonder what sort of volume they'd need to pump their ads through at to get above the noise of the trains themselves. I'd have though this would then result in the whole window acting like a speaker.

[Number6]

Re: bone conduction

I doubt if they'd see that as a problem, they'd be able to force the advertising onto everyone nearby, not just those leaning on the window.

More subtle than an axe, a small cordless drill to take out the transducer and the wires that connect it to the rest of the electronics, and a small tube of sealant to plug the hole once it's done.

[hplasm]

Re: More subtle than an axe

I see this as a public service, and a new way to enjoy boring train journeys!

[Anonymous Coward]

I forsee

Many broken windows on trains.

[dssf]

Re: I forsee a news blurb

Boneheaded Idea Leads to Forced Trains of Thought Leading to Bones of Contention

If you REALLY want to be annoyed, insert some good, rubbery earplug, sitting yourself upright, and then lean your neck forward, or if on a bed, lie randomly. After a while, you may hear the muscles in your neck or the bubbles in the skull/spine connection vibrating. Annoys the living hell out of me. Doesn't happen often, but does take a bit of readjusting.

If, however, advertisers tried forcing this onto the masses, maybe suitably-padded motorcycle helmets, lined with rubber, tin foil, water jackets, and some lead might lead to some heavy solutions. But, heavy metal music might work better than heavy metal helmets. Would prevent loads of damage to posture, too, hehehe....

[Anonymous Coward]

I had Sky Go once...

...until I rooted my mobile. At that point I apparently became some kind of anarchistic IP-stealing Godless commie, and Rupert's app refused to play unless I repented. Uninstalled instead, don't miss it.

[auburnman]

Re: I had Sky Go once...

Has anyone in the rooting community (is that the right word? It sounds dirty) looked into a modification that would allow rooted devices to fib and say they are running factory standard android?

[Thecowking]

Re: I had Sky Go once...

If you use something like Super SU, you can tick a box to "temporarily unroot" your device.

I do it all the time when I want to watch Flixster or the like on my Nexus 7. It's a bit of a bugger, but it works.

[John Smith 19]

Re: I had Sky Go once...

"...until I rooted my mobile. At that point I apparently became some kind of anarchistic IP-stealing Godless commie, and Rupert's app refused to play unless I repented. Uninstalled instead, don't miss it."

IOW

You had Sky Go once.

It went.

[AndrueC]

There is no experience that cannot be made worse by a marketing department.

[fran 2]

Unless it is by the HR department

[Richard Jukes]

I think this really crosses the line. Inside my head is my own special place where I retreat to for privacy and rest.

[Anonymous Coward]

Best blow your nose first..

[Anonymous Coward]

"I think this really crosses the line. Inside my head is my own special place where I retreat to for privacy and rest."

Well, try dropping dead in Wales and you'll find that the government owns what's inside your head and everything else.

[Graham Marsden]

Are you bored...?

No, I'm TRYING TO GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP and the LAST THING I NEED is SOME STUPID PRICK THINKING THIS IS GOOD TIME TO TRY TO SELL ME SOME SHIT!

[Seanie Ryan]

Re: Are you bored...?

@Graham Marsden

Exactly my thoughts, to a T

I'd end up looking for the resonator and ripping the fucking thing off the window.

Although, the evil me would immediately not be tired and try and figure out a way to use it myself, so I could broadcast my own subliminal messages to others....

... with hilarious consequences

[PatientOne]

Re: Are you bored...?

@Graham Marsden

They want you to dream about their products, so when you wake you'll go out and buy them. It's like the sleep learning tapes for languages: Fall asleep while listening to the tape and wake up being able to speak total gibberish in yet another language! Doesn't work, of cause: You're mind will naturally rebel and you'll dream of smashing said product to pieces in increasingly inventive ways.

Mind you, a clever marketing bod might then consider using this technique to set you against a rival product...

Damn, don't tell Apple or Samsung! They'll be brainwashing people on public transport into becoming their own private army!

[Anomalous Cowshed]

Next:

Sky uses bone conduction to hack into the brain of anyone it deems to have committed a criminal, moral or commercial offence. And it is absolved of wrongdoing by <insert name of lame / rights infringing government agency>

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Next:

Surely the phrase "rights infringing government agency" contains redundancy?

[Frankee Llonnygog]

The Sky message will have to be ...

... INCREDIBLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Finally...

I can dig my tinfoil hat out again....

[frank ly]

Re: Finally...

You need the foam rubber one for this. Maybe over the tinfoil one if you like.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Finally...

A hood might work. A thick neoprene one might dampen the vibration a little.

Thankfully it's been years since I used public transport so this likely won't affect me.

[smudge]

You CANNOT be serious!!!

(Well, it is Wimbledon time.)

1) April 1 was just over 3 months ago. How long has this been around?

2) If it is serious, then the video itself illustrates a serious problem. Natural reaction will be to take your head off the window as soon as it starts speaking to you. End of message.

[Anonymous Coward]

The video claims bone conduction is "so far only used by deaf people and the military" which is, of course, nonsense.

For a time my sons used "tooth-tunes" toothbrushes .... they play a pop/rock tune that you listen to via bone conduction from the toothbrush through the teeth so to listen you had to be brushing your teeth and the length of the tune ensured they brushed for long enough. Sons quite liked them (think they had the "we will rock you" version) but sadly they seemed to be no longer available when they needed replacing (plus before that they seemed to have gone in a "Hannah Montana/High School Music" direction)

[Mystic Megabyte]

I think this so called innovation is just viral marketing. It seems to have worked.

Just to be on the safe side....DESTROY ALL SMALL BLACK BOXES!

[Jon Gibbins]

Just leave the Ouyas and raspberry Pis alone! ;)

[This Side Up]

What they really need to do

is use this technology on a pad fitted above a gents' urinal so if you rest your forehead against the wall when you're pissed you get advertised at. Oops, sorry, i shouldn't have suggested that.

[Elmer Phud]

Alternatively

How about one of those speakers that use the surface to spread the sound?

Can you fuck with the Sky drone?

[Darren Barratt]

Visual ones'll be next. As soon as you shut your eyes, Rupert'll be there shouting "Buy Sky, ya drongo!"

[TheOtherPhil]

"High frequency vibrations"

(Err, sound waves?)

...which are "translated into sound by the brain"

That'll be "are heard" then...

[Anonymous Coward]

Help the community

Surely we can search out these malicious propeganda devices and place a suitably satirical warning sticker fo our fellow commuters? I believe a similar thing was done on the tube recently.

Just a thought, would probably be better than smashing them all. Less fun perhaps, but certainly cheaper.

[John Smith 19]

Re: Help the community

"Just a thought, would probably be better than smashing them all. Less fun perhaps, but certainly cheaper."

For the really malicious I imagine it would be possible to re-program them to whisper some other semi-subliminal message into the poor commuters head.

I'll leave others to suggest what that might be.

[Whitter]

The anti-web 2.0 pattern

We all know the web 2.0: if you are not paying, then they are selling you.

Alas that's not enough for some: even when you do pay, you are still their property to sell.

[Anonymous Coward]

Just for absolute fun, it would be good to hack these and put your own message in :)

"Hello, this is God" *

"WTF????!"

*Watch Real Genius.....

[Sandpit]

Your mileage may vary

Sky - The thicker the skull, the more effective the advert!

[Darryl]

Re: Your mileage may vary

That's kind of redundant. In ALL cases of advertising, the thicker the skull.......

[Destroy All Monsters]

Tell me your secrets, window.

"Your iPhone just told me the stuff you usually buy at Tesco is now ONLY 2.99 BUT FOR A LIMITED TIME! Go and GET IT! Or do you want me to tell your iWatch to bug you every 15 minutes? Faggot!"

[Idocrase]

One vote for hacking the damn thing and setting up pirated music stations on every train. I despise adverts, partly because of the intrusiveness, but mainly because advertisers are assuming I'm stupid. And that REALLY rankles.

If I want to find something, I'll go look for it. I don't need to be informed of it every time I open a browser window, switch on the TV or fall asleep on a train! I know where to get stuff cheap, it's called 'Shipped from China', on Ebay, and if i want cheap television programs, I know where to find the Pirat... Um. The phone to purchase the appropriate TV service.

[John Brown (no body)]

Buy Moke Coke

"I'll buy that for a dime!"

[graeme leggett]

apologies to Auden

This is the night train crossing the Border,

Selling you sports and American drama,

HD for the rich, HD for the poor

The man in the City and the girl next door.

Sounds in your head, a steady whine:

The ethics against her.....

[Anonymous Coward]

The Rascal

Walnut face still active, then?

[Matt Bradley]

Subliminal advertising

This amounts to a form of subliminal advertising. As the video states, this is designed for tired commuters resting their heads on the glass, which means that the ads would be targetted at people in a drowsy, semi hypnotic or even unconscious state.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep-learning

[Anonymous Coward]

Are you bored?

"No, I'm fucking sleeping you cunt."

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: adverts on trains

I pick one at random, and write/email saying I will never buy their product/service.donate to their charity because of their obnoxious intrusive adverts.

[Rhiakath Flanders]

and THIS is why sometimes i hate people. No respect for anyone, only money.

and why i ALWAYS hate advertisers. Between tv shows, everywhere on the internet, you get ads.

You're on the beach, you get planes flying around with big banners. You listen to the radio, and only 15% is music now. the rest are ads. You try to watch a movie on the TV, and there are so many ads in the ( excess ) intervals that you manage to forget what you were watching.

So, now you're tired, and try to sleep on a train, and they manage to take every possible piece of your life and substitute it with ads...

God, i hate advertisers.

[LaeMing]

My brain developed a reflex add-block many many years ago. My audio and visual system seems to edit them out as irrelevant information, presumably by the same nmtural mechanism it edits out anything else irrelevant in my perceptive fields. It can actually be annoying if I encownter some wanted-information that someone has been idiotic enougr to think would benefit from an advertising-like format.

[lunatik96]

a pillow perhaps

I wonder if a pillow is enough to dampen the bone conduction so one may actually rest (the main impetus for resting one's head against a window) whilst on the tube. Now if they could pipe in on demand video, that is a different issue.

[bill 20]

A Business Opportunity

Excellent. This morning I have filed a patent application for the AdFree vibration-damping travel pillow. It'll make millions.

[P. Lee]

Re: A Business Opportunity

> Excellent. This morning I have filed a patent application for the AdFree vibration-damping travel pillow. It'll make millions.

Hmm, I wonder where would be a good place to advertise such an invention?

[Montreal Sean]

Re: A Business Opportunity

I'm betting your pillow idea has already been patented. By the people who came up with the new advertising method.

They'll get you coming and going!

[Spoonsinger]

Wow! is that an animated gif?

It's like the 90's all over again.

[Destroy All Monsters]

Re: Wow! is that an animated gif?

Not been on the Internets lately, right?

[mhoulden]

What's to stop some evil-doer hacking into the system and getting the carriage to vibrate itself to pieces by playing its resonant frequency as loudly as possible? Or even the brown note?

[LaeMing]

Probably that the brown note is a myth. But it would be hilarious (for outsiders) if it wasn't.

[JeffyPoooh]

An alternative approach...

Simply grind an audio WAV file into the rails. That way everyone can hear it.

It'll work better near the stations where the train isn't traveling so fast. Time/Distance being limited by the number and spacing of wheels.

[Dodgy Geezer]

Re: An alternative approach...

We used to have one in the 1960s. It went:

"clickety-clack, clickety-clack..."

[The elephant in the room]

A smashing idea

One of the many things that distress me about public transport is discovering that some unwashed prole has slouched their greasy locks against the window, leaving an unhygenic patch of soft focus in my view. If messages are to be pumped into the glass then let it be a drill sergeant bellowing "GET YOUR FILTHY HEAD OFF MY WINDOW YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE OIK!"

[Dodgy Geezer]

As far as I recall...

...this sort of thing is classed as torture when it is done to POWs.

Perhaps we need a Geneva Convention for commuters. Or Red Cross inspectors to visit us in the carriages and deliver parcels.

[pepper]

Re: As far as I recall...

Only if we declare war against sky first, which I think is nothing but reasonable after this news.

[Anonymous Coward]

What a bone-headed idea

Turn up the volume and it suddenly becomes a medieval torture device

[Montreal Sean]

Re: What a bone-headed idea

I think you'll find torture was more humane in the middle ages.

They didn't make you listen to ads, they just got right down to the main event.

[Ugotta B. Kiddingme]

Really? I'm the first?

two pages of comments and no one has compared Sky to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation? This makes me sad.

[LaeMing]

Re: Really? I'm the first?

We're all too busy planning the revolution and building a big big wall.

[Tempest8008]

There's an up side!

Now pesky spy agencies won't be able to bounce a laser off the window to listen to the vibrations in the car and pick out conversations of the passengers!

All they'll get is advertising spam instead.

(I'm a glass half-full kind of person...this whole idea is a raftload of shit)

[KierO]

You total bastards Sky! I was totally knackered and looking forward to a nice relaxing nap on my way home from work AND YOU HAD TO WAKE ME UP!

In the words of Bill Hicks "If you're in marketing or advertising, can you do me a favour and kill yourself?"

[Anonymous Coward]

Well they had to do something to

Compete with Google's "Hard Wired" style glasses idea

[Anonymous Coward]

hax0r...

Of course, this will be a challenge (or, more likely walkover) for someone to nobble, and broadcast their own messages directly to people....

Even better if they're asleep - think of the hypnotic power of suggestion....

"Buy more stuff. Kill various people."

[Destroy All Monsters]

Re: hax0r...

I think there was an X-Files episode about that.

Pretty good too.

[Anonymous Coward]

absolute dream for Sky

At last they've got round having to broadcast those irritating programmes between the ad breaks.

[Otto is a bear.]

But if....

It means cheaper train tickets, I doubt many people will care that much, and that's how it will be sold.

I did say if.

As quite a lot of our rail network is run by DB, the german state railway company, through Chiltern and Arriva, I'd expect it to arrive here quite quickly, and that the operators will trouser the revenue with no benefit to the customer.

[Tezfair]

think of the possibilities

get your own version that transmits things like...

you have missed your stop

someones just taken your laptop

your're sexy, see you in the toilet in 2 minutes

I can see your knickers

look at me smile, i just farted

[keithpeter]

Marketoids: be very very careful about advertising on commuter trains...

Reditch to Lichfield line through Birmingham New St about 10(?) years ago.

Some bright spark decided to put LCD screens with advertising in the carriages. Not only that, they then linked the sound up to the carriage loudspeakers. No escape.

The system was driven from a cd-rom loaded into some kind of headless PC running from within a steel box under the first two seats in each of the coaches.

Results:

1: quiet carriage full, rest of train fairly empty (please note I was travelling against the traffic, from New St to Sutton Coldfield in those days)

2: respectable besuited pillars of society seen pouring coffee down the vents in the steel boxes that housed the PCs.

3: Coach loudpeakers vandalised using sharp instruments on a regular basis

4: Train staff switched the coach loudspeakers off whenever they could.

5: I personally avoided any of the hapless local businesses who advertised on the system and took the time to email them explaining why. I gather that I was not alone in this quixotic gesture.

The system was removed shortly before the franchise changed hands. London midland have not been so daft as to reinstate this system from hell. I recollect very few adverts left on the system towards the end (see point 5)

[Steven Roper]

Re: Marketoids: be very very careful about advertising on commuter trains...

That would explain why one well-known movie prediction never came true, against all my expectations - once the movie came out, I was expecting to see it appear on buses and trains alike within months...

"For the memory of a lifetime, Rekall, Rekall, Rekall!"

[Destroy All Monsters]

A classic on advertising:

The Tunnel Under The World -- By FREDERIK POHL

Took me some time to find it...

No, not the usual commercials, Burckhardt realized. He had been exposed to the captive-audience commercials so long that they hardly registered on the outer ear any more, but what was coming from the recorded program in the basement of the building caught his attention. It wasn't merely that the brands were mostly unfamiliar; it was a difference in pattern.

There were jingles with an insistent, bouncy rhythm, about soft drinks he had never tasted. There was a rapid patter dialogue between what sounded like two ten-year-old boys about a candy bar, followed by an authoritative bass rumble: "Go right out and get a DELICIOUS Choco-Bite and eat your TANGY Choco-Bite all up. That's Choco-Bite!" There was a sobbing female whine: "I wish I had a Feckle Freezer! I'd do anything for a Feckle Freezer!" Burckhardt reached his floor and left the elevator in the middle of the last one. It left him a little uneasy. The commercials were not for familiar brands; there was no feeling of use and custom to them.

[Mark Secker]

only used by ... yuppies since the 80's

remember the Bone Phone..... I do.. it was horrible.

but a consumer product that used bone induction way back in the 80's proves that like much Sky stuff they're pissin' in our ears (or bone conductors) again.

[Leschnik88]

How that meeting went down.

Employee: Sir, our research indicates that passengers are resting their heads against the windows on the train, maybe we could fit in beds?

Marketing: their not tired, their bored! They need ads to keep them awake, alert & edgy. Imagine the cohesion of game changing synergy we could exploring using this next gen outreach technology

Employee: I quit