back to article Weary quid-a-day nosh hack fears colonal mass ejection

It's day four of my "Live Below the Line" challenge to survive for five days on just a fiver for nosh, and while things are going well overall, I fear a storm is brewing. Since Monday I've been subsisting on a diet comprising pretty much just fried egg butties, chickpea stew, rice and tea - livened up with the results of some …


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  1. Professor Clifton Shallot

    Situation normal

    "Apart from a general sense of weariness, punctuated by occasional lust for a bacon sarnie with brown sauce, I feel reasonably plausible"

    This describes 90% of my waking moments.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Situation normal

      I hear you.

      1. hamcheeseandonion

        Re: Situation normal

        Not yet you haven't Lester....on Sa-turd-ay, I think we'll all hear if those poor Spaniards didn't have enough to put up with.

        <Shouty Icon, because we'll all be deaf when he explosively decompresses>

        1. Yesnomaybe

          Re: Situation normal

          "Brace for core-dump!"

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Situation normal

            Yeah but what type ? Formatted or streaming ?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Situation normal


            "Hull breach in this area. Evacuate immediately! Dropping pressure doors..." followed by the wailing of klaxons...

        2. Intractable Potsherd

          Re: Situation normal

          Not to mention the screams from all those chick-pea skins scouring the sphincter ...

          This isn't going to end well.

          <--- Icon, because it will feel like one of these trying to get out.

  2. Huntsman
    Thumb Up

    I predict

    come Saturday morning, you'll produce a Bungle's finger with a measurable gravitational field.

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Re: I predict

      Also known in these parts as a 'Tibetan Blackbird' (Google for aforementioned birdie's Latin name ...)

      1. ~mico

        @Simon Ward

        I should never drink coke while reading comments.

        1. Anonymous Coward

          Re: @Simon Ward

          Then my work here is done :-)

          (admittedly, I almost barfed tea over my keyboard at 'Bungle's Finger')

          1. James Hughes 1

            Re: @Simon Ward

            Still laughing - bunch of Korean's in office around me must wonder what the hell is going on.

            Bungle's finger, measureable gravitational field...snigger....

      2. Shady

        Re: I predict

        You utter knob - my check-in buddy just had to perform the hind-lick maneouvre on me after I snorted my cornflakes.

        1. Phil W

          Re: I predict

          "hind-lick maneouvre" what you and your check-in buddy get up to, and lick, in your own time is your business of course.

          However I think the Heimlich Maneuver would be more medically advisable than any sort of hind licking.

      3. Sporkinum

        Re: I predict

        Tibetan Blackbird (Latin) is freaking awesome. Thanks for sharing!

    2. 8Ace
      Thumb Up

      Re: I predict

      I knew that Android Profanisaurus app would come in handy. It's not just for giggling to yourself on the train after all!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I predict

        train jobby engine.

        (no mobile signal in the traps at work here).

        1. gaz 7

          Re: I predict

          when that brown dog's ready for a walk it's gonna scratch at the door fairly hard

    3. Crisp

      Re: I predict

      I'm predicting at least 18 Courics

      1. Sporkinum

        Re: I predict

        1. Martin Budden Silver badge

          Re: I predict


  3. Anonymous Coward

    Nothing to say but...

    ... the icon depicts Chez Reg (Spanish Branch) in the near future

  4. MikeyD85

    Trifle Shotgun

    Takes out yet another toilet.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Trifle Shotgun

      It will be interesting to hear whether the problem eventually manifests itself as a brown trout of monumental proportions or the hand-grenade-in-a-bucket-of-butterscotch-instant-whip effect.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You need one of these signs:

  6. I think so I am?

    I Wounder

    how close the output will look to the input (recycle)

  7. jake Silver badge

    Out of curiosity ...

    Are you allowed to purchase dry-goods in bulk in advance? I buy rice, beans, flour and polenta/grits in 50/lb bags as a matter of course ...

    I'm pretty certain that the Wife & I can eat for a month on about US$40 in purchased supplies. I doubt we break US$75 very often as it is.

    All our herbs, meat, veg & dairy is farmed on-site ... As is our wine & beer & bread. I make my own salt from seawater. My coffee & her tea are exceptions ... but I do buy my coffee green & roast it myself. Somewhat strangely, the IRS insists that my time is valueless ;-)

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Out of curiosity ...

      Yes, you can bulk-buy in advance, and then take stuff out of that on a pro-rata basis.

      1. JDX Gold badge

        Re: Out of curiosity ...

        Jake sounds like he probably has a large supply of guns and diesel generators. Are you expecting the machines to rise up soon?

        1. jake Silver badge

          @JDX (was: Re: Out of curiosity ...)

          I prefer "adequate", on the supply front.

          Not "the machines", rather good-old Mother Earth. The Rogers Creek Fault, probable home of the Bay Area's Next Big One, is an easy walk from where I type. I'm not paranoid, I'm pragmatic. When, not if.

        2. AndrueC Silver badge

          Re: Out of curiosity ...

          Are you expecting the machines to rise up soon?

          Soon? Have you used Windows 8 yet?

    2. Locky

      Re: Out of curiosity ...

      Somewhat strangely, the IRS insists that my time is valueless ;-)

      Mrs Locky says the same thing about mine too when I'm doing "important things" like mess with the house pi and the like

    3. Tom 7

      Re: Out of curiosity ...

      If you buy in advance you could then plant it. If you get enough you can produce your own food and nearly eat for free. If you get too much you will become a farmer and have to mortgage yourself to the hilt just to let the supermarkets take it away.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Out of curiosity ...

        "If you buy in advance you could then plant it."

        I do. My veggie garden is about 28 acres :-)

        "If you get enough you can produce your own food and nearly eat for free.

        It's not "free", per se ... I have equipment, soil conditioning, feed, vet & fuel costs. But it's a hell of a lot cheaper than US$1.99/lb potatoes and US$4.99 tomatoes. This evening, we (me, wife, foreman, wife) enjoyed an italian/scots/american variation of Bistecca alla Fiorentina, cut from one of my Belted Galloway steers about 5 weeks ago. At 3 pounds, and 4 weeks of dry aging, Sonoma Market would happily sell me one for about US$90. My total cost was probably no more than about six bucks.

        "If you get too much you will become a farmer and have to mortgage yourself to the hilt just to let the supermarkets take it away."

        Nah. I consign quite a bit to a local fruit stand. I also give a lot of it away to locals in need.

  8. Winkypop Silver badge

    No naked flames!

    Oh the humanity!

    1. hplasm
      Thumb Up

      No naked wobbling!

      Oh the huge manatee!

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Re: No naked wobbling!

        Oh, the huge man-titty!

  9. Captain Underpants

    A prize of some sort is due for "colonal mass ejection".

    Though from what you say about rumblings and imminent bowel explosions, I suspect you may be put off brown sauce for a while come Saturday...

    1. Alister

      and how appropriate that you should be the one to comment, given your user name.

      Although, Capped In Underpants might be nearer

  10. Andrew Moore
    Thumb Up


    Right now Lester is only £68 off of a grand in donations...

  11. richard 7

    As number 1 said:

    "Hold your fire! Dont light a match!"

    1. Mike Smith

      Re: As number 1 said:

      Shouldn't that have been number two?

  12. Mako

    Excellent - you can add a scientific experiment to the end of this social experiment - stress-testing rural Iberian plumbing.

    1. Simon Harris

      Now we know the real reason why Lester was digging a big hole last year!

      Reg hack uncovers perfect antidote to internet

      Incidentally, while tracking down that article, I came across another of Lester's that might come in handy, although I think even these will be straining at the seams...

      Fart-buster underpants selling well among Japanese salarymen

  13. ian 22

    He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

    For an eruption of truly volcanic proportions, you might consider adding beans to the mix.

    1. Tom 7

      Re: He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

      Surprisingly (to the uninformed) mixing flatulence producing items reduces the output rather than increasing it.

      Cabbage and beans both cause a touch of wind in me - but combining the two results in boring lift journeys.

      I would recommend, from the heart of my bottom, a large coleslaw made with a green savoy cabbage next time the boss persuades you to take your car on that long trip when the finance director has just cut mileage again!

      1. ian 22

        Re: He cannae take much more o' this Captain!


        Rumour, speculation, and hearsay! Let the excre^B^B^Bperiment proceed to its logical conclusion, and may Lester (and Spain) survive to tell the tale.

      2. Gavin King

        Re: Re: He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

        If you're managing to get lift I wouldn't have thought it would be boring at all!

  14. Phil Atkin

    Eat charcoal

    Kills farts stone dead. Has transformed my life. Plus if you have a woodstove, it's free.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Eat charcoal

      Carbon capture and storage?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Eat charcoal

      Charcoal is a (non-Daily Mail, scientifcally certified) carcinogen. I'd rather put up with the occasional air biscuit, although in Lester's case I think it's going to be more of an air banquet.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Eat charcoal

      Why would I want to eat charcoal? The simple pleasure of a well formed, properly timed guff is one of life's pleasures. From the varied pungencies, half-lives, volumes and auditory effects much joy is to be had. You can even change the future: Drop your guts in an emplty lift, and you increase the odds of an attractive lady getting in the lift by a couple of orders of magnitudes (albeit you'll be treated to a dirty look, and labelled in office gossip as a filthy blighter).

    4. Jim jimminy jim jim jim jim

      Re: Eat charcoal

      I don't agree.

      I have been eating charcoal for years - it's what SWMBO calls "food"

      and it does not diminish the amount of flatulence I produce

  15. Bill Fresher

    Pushed you over the grand.

    Good work.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Yes, excellent work by all concerned. Award yourselves beer, and I'll join you on Saturday.

  16. Ralph B

    The final furlong

    > wish me well for the final furlong

    Well, that's an ambitious target for your imminent cable laying, but we know you have it in you!

    1. Alister

      Re: The final furlong

      I splorfed...

  17. Jedit Silver badge

    Mass Eject 3?

    All I can say is I hope they change the ending. Lester's currently got three options but they all end the same way.

  18. Arachnoid

    Its not going to be a pretty sight.

    I hope you requisitioned some bunny suits [not the ones with big ears] and gas masks for the rest of the family, when Etna finally breeches..........look out!

    1. Mike Moyle

      Re: Its not going to be a pretty sight.

      "...when Etna finally breeches..."

      "...when he finally Etnas his breeches" you mean?

  19. Jason 24

    Paypal only??

    Can we donate by any other means?

    I'm not having those cocks cream some off the top.

  20. 0laf Silver badge

    Dear Daddy

    As my Father says, "You'll need to draw forward and make a second heap".

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dear Daddy

      F*** me, having to sit in the office bitting my tongue hard whilst my eyes water with uncomfortably contained mirth.

      1. Intractable Potsherd

        Re: Dear Daddy

        I love the way Brits can make a whole book out of toilet humour. I've learned some new terms to ambush people with today. Fortunately I'm working from home, so I'm not risking a hernia from holding my laughter in!

  21. Mephistro

    Chickpeas trivia

    When you are digesting chickpeas, they produce NO2, which acts as an aphrodisiac. The downside is that after two days of chickpeas diet, no mating companion will want to be nearer than 10 meters upwind of you. Sorry, Lester. :^D

    1. Soruk

      Re: Chickpeas trivia

      Downwind, surely? If they're upwind they won't smell anything.

      1. Mephistro

        Re: Chickpeas trivia

        I see you don't have much experience with chickpeas. :0)

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For those who...

    ... have had the bottom fall out of their world,

    let the world fall out of your bottom.

  23. Stevie


    Wow, it's only Thursday and we are treated to an article on the lamentable state of Mr Haines' bowels when fed a diet of egg au egg (duh!).

    Slow news week?

    I can't wait for the follow up: "How I Lived For A Week On Senokot Powder And Bran".

    1. Phil E Succour

      Re: Bah!

      >>I can't wait for the follow up: "How I Lived For A Week On Senokot Powder And Bran".

      Nah, it'll be titled "How I reclassifed The Battle of the Somme re-enactment park as a brown field site..."

    2. Corinne

      Re: Bah!

      I can't wait for the follow up: "How I Lived For A Week On Senokot Powder And Bran".

      No chance - have you seen the price of Senokot? He'd never get that under the £1 per day limit.....

  24. /tmp
  25. zb

    Bad news

    Sorry to drag you down even further but your tubes are going to get even worse.

    Once you have completed your fast you are going to celebrate with some sort of binge. Your body, by then, will be used to the sort of diet that the most ascetic monk would accept and there is going to be a seismic explosion as it it rejects the sudden influx of rich nosh, booze etc.

    Advise your neighbours who cannot evacuate while you evacuate to buy earplugs and clothes pegs.

  26. MtK

    I should avoid speed-reading

    I read "livened up with the results of some light foraging" as "livened up with the results of some light farting".

    Beer, because you'll be drinking it on Saturday.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Aaaand in other news, he ends up in Gitmo for harbouring a "Weapon of Mass Excretion"...


    1. Anonymous Coward
      Black Helicopters

      Re: Lol

      And Greenpeace will be after him due to a massive increase in atmospheric carbon dibaxide.

  28. nsld

    I suspect

    That once you deploy the rectal daisy cutter the UN will take an interest. Whatever you do don't discover oil as the Americans love a mix of wmd and oil.

  29. MacroRodent

    How about oatmeal porridge to pacify digestion?

    Oats are considered very good for stomach, and contain fibers. At least around here oat flakes are also among the cheapest foodstuffs available (especially if you buy generic shop brands, not "Quaker Oats" or the local equivalent).

  30. Ed_UK

    Nice of Lester

    to share his log with us.

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