Weary quid-a-day nosh hack fears colonal mass ejection

It's day four of my "Live Below the Line" challenge to survive for five days on just a fiver for nosh, and while things are going well overall, I fear a storm is brewing. Since Monday I've been subsisting on a diet comprising pretty much just fried egg butties, chickpea stew, rice and tea - livened up with the results of some …

[Professor Clifton Shallot]

Situation normal

"Apart from a general sense of weariness, punctuated by occasional lust for a bacon sarnie with brown sauce, I feel reasonably plausible"

This describes 90% of my waking moments.

[Lester Haines]

Re: Situation normal

I hear you.

[hamcheeseandonion]

Re: Situation normal

Not yet you haven't Lester....on Sa-turd-ay, I think we'll all hear him...as if those poor Spaniards didn't have enough to put up with.

<Shouty Icon, because we'll all be deaf when he explosively decompresses>

[Yesnomaybe]

Re: Situation normal

"Brace for core-dump!"

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Situation normal

Yeah but what type ? Formatted or streaming ?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Situation normal

Or:

"Hull breach in this area. Evacuate immediately! Dropping pressure doors..." followed by the wailing of klaxons...

[Intractable Potsherd]

Re: Situation normal

Not to mention the screams from all those chick-pea skins scouring the sphincter ...

This isn't going to end well.

<--- Icon, because it will feel like one of these trying to get out.

[Huntsman]

I predict

come Saturday morning, you'll produce a Bungle's finger with a measurable gravitational field.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I predict

Also known in these parts as a 'Tibetan Blackbird' (Google for aforementioned birdie's Latin name ...)

[~mico]

@Simon Ward

I should never drink coke while reading comments.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: @Simon Ward

Then my work here is done :-)

(admittedly, I almost barfed tea over my keyboard at 'Bungle's Finger')

[James Hughes 1]

Re: @Simon Ward

Still laughing - bunch of Korean's in office around me must wonder what the hell is going on.

Bungle's finger, measureable gravitational field...snigger....

[Shady]

Re: I predict

You utter knob - my check-in buddy just had to perform the hind-lick maneouvre on me after I snorted my cornflakes.

[Phil W]

Re: I predict

"hind-lick maneouvre" what you and your check-in buddy get up to, and lick, in your own time is your business of course.

However I think the Heimlich Maneuver would be more medically advisable than any sort of hind licking.

[Sporkinum]

Re: I predict

Tibetan Blackbird (Latin) is freaking awesome. Thanks for sharing!

[8Ace]

Re: I predict

I knew that Android Profanisaurus app would come in handy. It's not just for giggling to yourself on the train after all!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I predict

train jobby engine.

(no mobile signal in the traps at work here).

[gaz 7]

Re: I predict

when that brown dog's ready for a walk it's gonna scratch at the door fairly hard

[Crisp]

Re: I predict

I'm predicting at least 18 Courics

[Sporkinum]

Re: I predict

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S376iimvXIQ

[Martin Budden]

Re: I predict

Alternatively... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aczPDGC3f8U

[Anonymous Coward]

Nothing to say but...

... the icon depicts Chez Reg (Spanish Branch) in the near future

[MikeyD85]

Trifle Shotgun

Takes out yet another toilet.

[TeeCee]

Re: Trifle Shotgun

It will be interesting to hear whether the problem eventually manifests itself as a brown trout of monumental proportions or the hand-grenade-in-a-bucket-of-butterscotch-instant-whip effect.

[Anonymous Coward]

You need one of these signs:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zSzVRFPyS5E/T3hilFPdJcI/AAAAAAAABPE/fZeTPVw52bE/s1600/b.jpg

[I think so I am?]

I Wounder

how close the output will look to the input (recycle)

[jake]

Out of curiosity ...

Are you allowed to purchase dry-goods in bulk in advance? I buy rice, beans, flour and polenta/grits in 50/lb bags as a matter of course ...

I'm pretty certain that the Wife & I can eat for a month on about US$40 in purchased supplies. I doubt we break US$75 very often as it is.

All our herbs, meat, veg & dairy is farmed on-site ... As is our wine & beer & bread. I make my own salt from seawater. My coffee & her tea are exceptions ... but I do buy my coffee green & roast it myself. Somewhat strangely, the IRS insists that my time is valueless ;-)

[Lester Haines]

Re: Out of curiosity ...

Yes, you can bulk-buy in advance, and then take stuff out of that on a pro-rata basis.

[JDX]

Re: Out of curiosity ...

Jake sounds like he probably has a large supply of guns and diesel generators. Are you expecting the machines to rise up soon?

[jake]

@JDX (was: Re: Out of curiosity ...)

I prefer "adequate", on the supply front.

Not "the machines", rather good-old Mother Earth. The Rogers Creek Fault, probable home of the Bay Area's Next Big One, is an easy walk from where I type. I'm not paranoid, I'm pragmatic. When, not if.

[AndrueC]

Re: Out of curiosity ...

Are you expecting the machines to rise up soon?

Soon? Have you used Windows 8 yet?

[Locky]

Re: Out of curiosity ...

Somewhat strangely, the IRS insists that my time is valueless ;-)

Mrs Locky says the same thing about mine too when I'm doing "important things" like mess with the house pi and the like

[Tom 7]

Re: Out of curiosity ...

If you buy in advance you could then plant it. If you get enough you can produce your own food and nearly eat for free. If you get too much you will become a farmer and have to mortgage yourself to the hilt just to let the supermarkets take it away.

[jake]

Re: Out of curiosity ...

"If you buy in advance you could then plant it."

I do. My veggie garden is about 28 acres :-)

"If you get enough you can produce your own food and nearly eat for free.

It's not "free", per se ... I have equipment, soil conditioning, feed, vet & fuel costs. But it's a hell of a lot cheaper than US$1.99/lb potatoes and US$4.99 tomatoes. This evening, we (me, wife, foreman, wife) enjoyed an italian/scots/american variation of Bistecca alla Fiorentina, cut from one of my Belted Galloway steers about 5 weeks ago. At 3 pounds, and 4 weeks of dry aging, Sonoma Market would happily sell me one for about US$90. My total cost was probably no more than about six bucks.

"If you get too much you will become a farmer and have to mortgage yourself to the hilt just to let the supermarkets take it away."

Nah. I consign quite a bit to a local fruit stand. I also give a lot of it away to locals in need.

[Winkypop]

No naked flames!

Oh the humanity!

[hplasm]

No naked wobbling!

Oh the huge manatee!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: No naked wobbling!

Oh, the huge man-titty!

[Captain Underpants]

A prize of some sort is due for "colonal mass ejection".

Though from what you say about rumblings and imminent bowel explosions, I suspect you may be put off brown sauce for a while come Saturday...

[Alister]

and how appropriate that you should be the one to comment, given your user name.

Although, Capped In Underpants might be nearer

[Andrew Moore]

Donations...

Right now Lester is only £68 off of a grand in donations...

[richard 7]

As number 1 said:

"Hold your fire! Dont light a match!"

[Mike Smith]

Re: As number 1 said:

Shouldn't that have been number two?

[Mako]

Excellent - you can add a scientific experiment to the end of this social experiment - stress-testing rural Iberian plumbing.

[Simon Harris]

Now we know the real reason why Lester was digging a big hole last year!

Reg hack uncovers perfect antidote to internet

Incidentally, while tracking down that article, I came across another of Lester's that might come in handy, although I think even these will be straining at the seams...

Fart-buster underpants selling well among Japanese salarymen

[ian 22]

He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

For an eruption of truly volcanic proportions, you might consider adding beans to the mix.

[Tom 7]

Re: He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

Surprisingly (to the uninformed) mixing flatulence producing items reduces the output rather than increasing it.

Cabbage and beans both cause a touch of wind in me - but combining the two results in boring lift journeys.

I would recommend, from the heart of my bottom, a large coleslaw made with a green savoy cabbage next time the boss persuades you to take your car on that long trip when the finance director has just cut mileage again!

[ian 22]

Re: He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

@Tom:

Rumour, speculation, and hearsay! Let the excre^B^B^Bperiment proceed to its logical conclusion, and may Lester (and Spain) survive to tell the tale.

[Gavin King]

Re: Re: He cannae take much more o' this Captain!

If you're managing to get lift I wouldn't have thought it would be boring at all!

[Phil Atkin]

Eat charcoal

Kills farts stone dead. Has transformed my life. Plus if you have a woodstove, it's free.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Eat charcoal

Carbon capture and storage?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Eat charcoal

Charcoal is a (non-Daily Mail, scientifcally certified) carcinogen. I'd rather put up with the occasional air biscuit, although in Lester's case I think it's going to be more of an air banquet.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Eat charcoal

Why would I want to eat charcoal? The simple pleasure of a well formed, properly timed guff is one of life's pleasures. From the varied pungencies, half-lives, volumes and auditory effects much joy is to be had. You can even change the future: Drop your guts in an emplty lift, and you increase the odds of an attractive lady getting in the lift by a couple of orders of magnitudes (albeit you'll be treated to a dirty look, and labelled in office gossip as a filthy blighter).

[Jim jimminy jim jim jim jim]

Re: Eat charcoal

I don't agree.

I have been eating charcoal for years - it's what SWMBO calls "food"

and it does not diminish the amount of flatulence I produce

[Bill Fresher]

Pushed you over the grand.

Good work.

[Lester Haines]

Yes, excellent work by all concerned. Award yourselves beer, and I'll join you on Saturday.

[Ralph B]

The final furlong

> wish me well for the final furlong

Well, that's an ambitious target for your imminent cable laying, but we know you have it in you!

[Alister]

Re: The final furlong

I splorfed...

[Jedit]

Mass Eject 3?

All I can say is I hope they change the ending. Lester's currently got three options but they all end the same way.

[Arachnoid]

Its not going to be a pretty sight.

I hope you requisitioned some bunny suits [not the ones with big ears] and gas masks for the rest of the family, when Etna finally breeches..........look out!

[Mike Moyle]

Re: Its not going to be a pretty sight.

"...when Etna finally breeches..."

"...when he finally Etnas his breeches" you mean?

[Jason 24]

Paypal only??

Can we donate by any other means?

I'm not having those cocks cream some off the top.

[0laf]

Dear Daddy

As my Father says, "You'll need to draw forward and make a second heap".

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Dear Daddy

F*** me, having to sit in the office bitting my tongue hard whilst my eyes water with uncomfortably contained mirth.

[Intractable Potsherd]

Re: Dear Daddy

I love the way Brits can make a whole book out of toilet humour. I've learned some new terms to ambush people with today. Fortunately I'm working from home, so I'm not risking a hernia from holding my laughter in!

[Mephistro]

Chickpeas trivia

When you are digesting chickpeas, they produce NO2, which acts as an aphrodisiac. The downside is that after two days of chickpeas diet, no mating companion will want to be nearer than 10 meters upwind of you. Sorry, Lester. :^D

[Soruk]

Re: Chickpeas trivia

Downwind, surely? If they're upwind they won't smell anything.

[Mephistro]

Re: Chickpeas trivia

I see you don't have much experience with chickpeas. :0)

[Anonymous Coward]

For those who...

... have had the bottom fall out of their world,

let the world fall out of your bottom.

[Stevie]

Bah!

Wow, it's only Thursday and we are treated to an article on the lamentable state of Mr Haines' bowels when fed a diet of egg au egg (duh!).

Slow news week?

I can't wait for the follow up: "How I Lived For A Week On Senokot Powder And Bran".

[Phil E Succour]

Re: Bah!

>>I can't wait for the follow up: "How I Lived For A Week On Senokot Powder And Bran".

Nah, it'll be titled "How I reclassifed The Battle of the Somme re-enactment park as a brown field site..."

[Corinne]

Re: Bah!

I can't wait for the follow up: "How I Lived For A Week On Senokot Powder And Bran".

No chance - have you seen the price of Senokot? He'd never get that under the £1 per day limit.....

[/tmp]

TMI

[zb]

Bad news

Sorry to drag you down even further but your tubes are going to get even worse.

Once you have completed your fast you are going to celebrate with some sort of binge. Your body, by then, will be used to the sort of diet that the most ascetic monk would accept and there is going to be a seismic explosion as it it rejects the sudden influx of rich nosh, booze etc.

Advise your neighbours who cannot evacuate while you evacuate to buy earplugs and clothes pegs.

[MtK]

I should avoid speed-reading

I read "livened up with the results of some light foraging" as "livened up with the results of some light farting".

Beer, because you'll be drinking it on Saturday.

[Anonymous Coward]

Lol

Aaaand in other news, he ends up in Gitmo for harbouring a "Weapon of Mass Excretion"...

AC/DC

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Lol

And Greenpeace will be after him due to a massive increase in atmospheric carbon dibaxide.

[nsld]

I suspect

That once you deploy the rectal daisy cutter the UN will take an interest. Whatever you do don't discover oil as the Americans love a mix of wmd and oil.

[MacroRodent]

How about oatmeal porridge to pacify digestion?

Oats are considered very good for stomach, and contain fibers. At least around here oat flakes are also among the cheapest foodstuffs available (especially if you buy generic shop brands, not "Quaker Oats" or the local equivalent).

[Ed_UK]

Nice of Lester

to share his log with us.