back to article Girlfriend 'tried to MURDER ME with her AMPLE BREASTS'

A German woman is up in court on a charge of "attempted manslaughter with a weapon", after allegedly trying to smother her boyfriend with her ample 38DD assets. Lawyer Tim Schmidt, 30, claims 33-year-old Franziska Hansen forced his head into her voluminous top-hamper while they were making the beast with two backs back in May …


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  1. Laurie

    She should apply to work at Dignitas...

    ...For it would by a good way to go.

    1. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: She should apply to work at Dignitas...

      Can't see why he's complaining - there are a lot of people who would pay good money for that.

  2. Jediben

    Perhaps it was lost in translation

    She can't have been the first to misinterpret "La petite mort"?

    1. Jediben

      Re: Perhaps it was lost in translation

      Oh, and pics or it didn't happen...

      1. Neil 32

        Re: Perhaps it was lost in translation

        ITYM Playmobil

        And the link has photo!

        1. Juan Inamillion

          Re: Perhaps it was lost in translation

          I don't think they're hers. More likely to have the caption "A pair of breasts yesterday" by way of illustration.

          Talking of illustrations, here's one from Turkey: (sadly no Playmobile).

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Pics or it didn't happen

        1. Blubster

          Re: Pics or it didn't happen

          Fuck me, I almost suffocated and all I did was look at the photos.

    2. Code Monkey

      Re: Perhaps it was lost in translation

      La petite motorboat?

      1. Darryl

        Re: La petite motorboat?

        38DD? Nothing petite about that motorboat!

  3. 404

    THIS is possible!

    I still have an aversion to large assets -> 6'1" Blonde Amazon with 44DD's.. dumb as rocks too.

    Put me in panic mode, it did.


    1. 2FishInATank

      Re: THIS is possible!

      "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised." - Zap Brannigan

    2. Velv

      Re: THIS is possible!

      And her contact details please ?

      1. 404


        I'll save you the tragic-comedy-drama - not worth it, very complicated, and very troubling - jumping out of windows involved, El Reg would have to pay for this story in Bootnotes.... make a good screenplay actually lol

        She was from Arkansas - draw your own conclusions


        1. Anonymous Coward

          Re: No.

          Hmmm... sounds very like an encounter a bloke I knew had when he went on a whitewater kayaking trip there. If I remember correctly, a rifle was also involved. He learned afterwards that this was common behaviour for her.

  4. Dennis Wilson

    Me next.........

    Could i be next please.......................?

    1. Martin Huizing

      Re: Me next.........

      Don't forget to bring a straw (or any other kind of external breathing apparatus...)

  5. Nuke

    I hate to be picky here, but, as an affectionado of BBWs I would not have thought DD was generally enough to suffocate a guy. She would need to get them around the back of his head while holding it all together. I would say that around FF or more was needed. Although maybe even a triple-A woman could suffocate a guy if she were strong enough simply to flatten his nose and mouth against her

    What a way to go though! They say that more men die naturally during shagging than realised, often from heart attack as it is the most strenuous excercise ever taken by some men. Their partner is hardly likely to tell the world how it happened exactly.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Well, cup size doesn't tell the whole story, does it? There's a considerable difference between, say, 36DD and 52DD.

      Also, substantially restricting (but not completely cutting off) the air supply of someone who might already be in oxygen defecit due to recent strenuous activity would be enough to cause a fair amount of panic and thoughts of impending suffocation. I don't know why all you guys seem so excited by this; the gentleman in question was clearly not having a good time towards the end of this particular escapade.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Is it just me or is that sort of expertise slightly disturbing?

        1. Rameses Niblick the Third (KKWWMT)

          I had similar thoughts

        2. Lamont Cranston

          Everyone needs

          a hobby.

  6. TRT Silver badge

    Being a lawyer...

    he'd know he'd have to make it stand up in court.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Being a lawyer...

      and the judge would have to weigh the evidence, of course.

  7. Kwac

    I blame Holly wood

    From IMDB:

    Deadly Weapons (1984)

    After the mob hits a guy with a list, one of the hoods keeps the list for himself to blackmail the people on it. When the mobsters find out he's a double-crosser, they off him, which angers his busty girlfriend. She goes after them using the only two weapons she has.

    Starring Chesty Morgan (and her 72" bust)

    1. Paul Renault

      Re: 'Deadly Weapons' ; Was: I blame Holly wood

      Some friends and I saw that film in the theatre(s) when it came out. We walked out at about the 2/3rd mark, we couldn't take the boredom.

      At the time, the local newspaper interviewed her. "They're real," she asserted to the reporter. "Hmm," he thought, "there's not that much silicon in the whole world."

      If memory serves, she was married to a referee in the NHL.

    2. Arctic fox

      Re: I blame Holly wood

      Damn - you remembered that film as well. I was just about to post as well. :)

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      and as per a radio news report (which I felt sounded a liitle like it was written to be used on the News Quiz) a man who was arrested after posing naked on a statue in London was being charged with possession of an offensive weapon.

  9. zb

    That reminds me ...

    ... of the joke about the distillery worker who fell in a VAT of whisky and drowned. He had to get out twice to have a pee.

  10. ByeLaw101
    Thumb Up

    That's how I want to go... :)

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I'd say that DD would be plenty enough to suffocate someone....

    My wife is blessed with similar sized norks, and often I've wondered if I'm about to expire, once I'm beneath those beauties!

    What a way to go!

  12. TRT Silver badge

    Would it be entered...

    as a charge of mamslaughter?

    1. Stumpy

      Re: Would it be entered...

      You owe me a new keyboard. Where do I send the invoice?

  13. hplasm
    Thumb Up


    By boobie!

  14. AndrueC Silver badge

    'Up in court'. I bet all the blokes were :)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Death by Bazooka


  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Udder Nonsense

    The guys just making himself look like a tit unless she makes a clean breast of it.

  17. Stevie


    Whole new meaning to DD Uber Alles.

  18. Anonymous Coward

    Brings a new meaning to the term "Boobytrap"

    And in the interest of justice, I will do my civic duty and offer to participate in the re-enactment this horrific assault in court! I may need a few rehearsals in advance to learn to stop smiling during the assault.....

  19. Stumpy Pepys

    I speak reasonable German

    But I can't find this story in any German news source (even Bild Zeitung, which would be incapable of not putting this on the front page).

    I smell eine Ratte.

    Btw, Deadly Weapons is really worth tracking down--quite unlike any film you've ever seen (apart from other films by Doris Wishman--a real one-off).

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: I speak reasonable German

      Vergeltungswaffe Zwei!

      1. bitten

        Re: I speak reasonable German

        Vergeltungswaffe Zwei is an A4 I think, Move along there is nothing to see.

        1. pepper

          Re: I speak reasonable German

          Indeed, the V3 was a barrage of 100m long cannons aimed at london. So, this would make V4 wouldnt it?

          1. Paul_Murphy

            Re: I speak reasonable German

            Yes - V3 was some buried chambers sharing a common barrel - many charges along the path of the projectile would accelerate it nicely.

            V1 - doodlebug

            V2 - stratospheric rocket,

            V3 - as above.

            V4 - a rather more personal service.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Been there

    In my teenage years I too was the receiver of a panic moment... My then 'large boobied' girlfriend was on top, slung her jugs over each of my shoulders and I planted my face in the valley.

    Two problems occurred after I had gone blubblubblub and other 'lips on skin' style farting noises..

    1. skin is like clingfilm, you can't breathe in when its moulded around your face

    2. she was too heavy to push away

    seriously, its everymans dream, but in reality, never again.

    AC as im too old to care but my wife may be reading :)

    1. xyz Silver badge

      Re: Been there


      My GF, German, jugged and a cowgirl fanatic has similar inclinations. I've nearly died in there a few times. It's like being pressed into a couple of inner tubes and all you can hear is the distant sound of "Yee-ha" whilst you're trying to escape. I'm scared of them now.

  21. Miffo

    Do we still have to pretend there's an IT angle to these stories?

    Couldn't see the contrived reasoning I've seen on similar articles. :-)

  22. Mike Richards Silver badge

    One for our German speakers

    "Treasure - I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible."

    How romantic is that in the original German?

    1. Colin Brett

      Re: One for our German speakers

      From Google Translate:

      "Schatz Ich wollte deinen Tod zu sein so angenehm wie möglich"


      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward


        This is why I hate translate tools, that's hardly proper German.

        You want something more in the line of: "Schatz, Ich wollte deinen Tod so angenehm wie möglich machen..".

    2. Dazed and Confused

      "Treasure - I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible."

      Sound like the young man didn't have a sense of humour,

      what else was the lady supposed to say,

      well apart from sorry.

      1. perlcat

        Re: "Sound like the young man didn't have a sense of humour,"

        Uhm, you read the part where they said he was a lawyer, right?

  23. Dr Paul Taylor

    Please, there are respectable gays and women who read El Reg! By all means put "ample breasts" in the headline as bait for the hetero boys, but not in the graphics for the lead story!

    1. Onid
      IT Angle

      but it has...

      It has an it angle ... it has a tit angle!!!

    2. 404

      I'll take Optional for $1000, please

      There are four groups to consider here, all respectable, gays, women, hetero, and lesbian. First two might say 'meh', but the last would pound their fists on the table and yell 'Hell Yeah!" Like a few of my friends, tolerance goes both ways.

      We've learned boobs can kill, which relieves me because I thought I might be the only one this ever happened to. It's not something you consider during normal circumstances, correct? Picked up some German, learned translators don't do proper German. Discovered some Reg Commentards have some breastfeeding issues. If this continues, we find find out exactly how many square inches of skin it would take to smother somebody. All good stuff, wouldn't you say?



    3. Dana W


      What about gay women?

      1. 404

        Re: Hey.

        They support the fight against Global Warming Climate Change?


  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He was definitely in trouble unless the safe word was "MmmmmmmmmMMMMmmmph!"

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      He was definitely in trouble unless the safe word was "MmmmmmmmmMMMMmmmph!"


      Yeah, safewords don't work in such situations, you just need to be bloody sure that the other party knows what they're doing. A delightfully sadistic ex cuffed my hands behind my back and half-drowned me more than once, and really got off on it. She also used to do an excellent job of restricting breathing with her other attributes (various, and charitably willing to let me have the odd breath if I did a good enough job down there)- but was always on the lookout for signs of unusual difficulty.

      You can also do a dead man's handle thing by holding the other party's hand at first, too- that works. However, personally, I preferred feeling like control was entirely out of my reach.

      It's a dangerous pastime, not one to try if you don't trust each other. Anon because, well, it's obvious, right?

  25. David 45

    Someone made a boob?

    What a way to go..........or come.

  26. Uwe Dippel

    Google translate is crap

    and, @ Stumpy, it actually was in the BILD-Zeitung.

    Anyway, 'treasure' is a google translate speak for "Schatz", which actually is. Though in this case, any reasonable person would use "Honey" instead. And then it makes more sense: "Honey, I wanted you to die in the most pleasurable manner." And I'll keep away from full-breasted women henceforth.

    Paris, do we still have her? isn't, is she?

    Maybe we need a new icon, two tits, in order to threaten someone with immanent death.

  27. Tikimon
    Thumb Up


    Just a thought for those who demand wiring with all Reg articles. IT can be a pretty tough gig, and these articles provide amusement and a minute of diversion. They also tend to find the Good Stuff, sparing me trolling dozens of web pages looking for weird news. The presentation usually is pretty funny itself, with puns and double-entendres both highbrow and low.

    If you're too happy and well-adjusted to need a morale boost now and then, just close the tab and bask in your ideological purity while my friends and I are joking about Bulgarian Airbags.

    UPVOTE if you partly read the Reg for weird news and humor!

    DOWNVOTE if you're an ideologically pure nerd with no time for anything but coding!

  28. John 104

    title optional

    "This man is about to die...."

  29. Maurice Tate

    See also:

  30. C-N

    Snu snu!

    Death by Snu snu!

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I suppose...

    ...there are more unpleasant ways to die?

  32. AfternoonTea

    What a way to go!

  33. Steven Roper

    All those who think this is funny

    May I ask if you would be laughing so much if it was a woman pressing charges of rape because her boyfriend grabbed her head and rammed his tool down her throat during fellatio? Gotta love these double standards, eh?

    Go onto Google Images and look up "mouth rape gif" with SafeSearch off. If you find those pictures funny, then you can laugh at this article. Otherwise, stop and think about what you're laughing at.

    Yeah. I thought so.

    1. pepper

      Re: All those who think this is funny

      Oh come on, the situation is quite funny, if you would read something like 'Man killed by boobies' then thats got to hit a funny bone right?

      If not, lighten up, humour is a way of dealing with atrocities, hence we make fun of some of the worst things that happend in WWII.

      1. Steven Roper

        Re: All those who think this is funny

        I don't have a problem with the humour, and yes, I agree with you the situation is funny on its face. What I'm having a whinge about is the double standard that, if the genders were reversed, people wouldn't find it funny. Those double standards have made my own life hard on more than one occasion, why is why I get my dander up when I see it played out. Please don't think I'm a miserable PC arsehole (believe me I hate PC as much as anyone can), and I did smile when I read the article, but I couldn't let it pass without comment.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can I have her number?

  35. Nameless Faceless Computer User

    You were in great peril

    We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

    I don't think I was.

    Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

    Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

    No, it's too perilous.

    Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

    No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

    Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

    No. It's unhealthy.

    I bet you're gay.

    Am not.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Having had some experience

    of 44H breasts -- long, pendulous and pointing straight south, I can say that they're very interesting., However not nearly so interesting as a woman who's totally flat.

    AC for obvious reasons.

    1. Lamont Cranston

      Totally flat?

      Like Christopher Lloyd at the end of Roger Rabbit? You sicko.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Reminds me of the first articles at Jalopnik after Carroll Shelby's allegedly possibly vaguely boobie-related death.... they pulled one of the articles for some reason......

    Check out the quotes lifted from the article at 13-05-12, 12:29 AM

    "Ironic that a lifelong car man would die in a motorboating accident. "

  38. Alex Walsh

    Whatever you do, don't google the woman's name. Think I'd rather be bludgeoned to death that suffocated in there :/

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I would post something but...

    In total, your posts have been upvoted 260 times and downvoted 252 times.

    An 8 vote separation? You know I'm valuable. Or insane.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I would post something but...

      There you go, I reduced the gap by one for you. Now you are even more valuable! You can thank me later.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So thats where the psychopath assasin bitches on meth from the CIA came from!

    Thanks for this el reg, I'll now be, forever, biting the breasts that over feed

    Somehow I feel like someone said this before. But just in case.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There's plenty of pleasurable desirability

    There's plenty of pleasurable desirability

    A bite from your baby can be truly painful, and worse, it keeps you terrorized in the fear that it will happen again. It's hard to relax and enjoy your breasts when your baby has bitten you. Babies who bite are seldom asking to be weaned. There are many reasons for a baby's biting, but the most common one is you are wrong, and baby is right.

    1. Lamont Cranston

      I prefer to relax and enjoy someone else's.


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