TRULY sinister blond madman signed for Bond 24, whisper insiders The Register has exclusively learned that the next James Bond movie outing will pit 007 against a truly sinister blond madman "who'll make Javier Bardem look like your kindly maiden aunt playing Mother Teresa for the benefit of kids in a Rwandan orphange", as our inside source put it. Producers hope Julian Assange, who …
"name the film"
Off on a tangent I realised that any film involving Assange and Swedish women would have to be Doctor No, on the grounds that he was allegedly told No in the event that he had No condom when he pulled his ballistic missile from its (allegedly) damaged rubber silo.
Speaking of rubber, I can envisage a play or, better still, an opera, in which the dramatis personæ are all rubber sock puppets; amongst the cast there could be a lawyer whose mobile phone proves to him (in court) that he is a lying sock puppet, and there could be a section of, oh, some 10 suckers (including pulchritudinous [some wealthy] femmes of a gullible sort) as a main chorus, with a backdrop of hundreds of thousands of secondary suckers who attack the person rather than the truth (which of course they prefer to ignore, being in love with the Haupt Sockenpuppe, who in turn loves a 16 year old 'babe' whom he punctures and inseminates, not being acquainted with condoms because mommy forgot to have him formally schooled). Finally there I envisage a side dish alongside the Haupt Sockenpuppe, including an as yet unspecified number of dead Afghan sock puppets whose value was plainly nothing to the Haupt Sockenpuppe (they knew what they got into, it was their fault, tough), and one of well seasoned pirates (tho' not from Penzance) who roar out 'yo hee ho ho every time a new torrent of information is captured); sweet and sour.
Bradley Manning as Bradley Leiter the CIA agent that fixes things for Bond with the US, but Bond is never really sure if Leiter has connections with Assange. This results in an atmosphere of slight distrust, no bad thing when dealing with CIA. Bond finds out that Leiter had spent 5 years in solitary in a US gaol, where he formulated his plan to bring down Assange using his own data, and using Bond as a fall guy. Bond finds out and puts Leiter back into chokey. Meanwhile Assange, who think's he's off the hook, comes out of the Embassy and a car chase ensues across London, mixed in with the first London Formula 1 grand prix. cameo roles for Hamilton and Alonso (as Javier Bardem)
Asshatange goes into hiding. Bond has to cunningly trick him out of hiding by pretending to be a journo, offering him a few column inches and a front-page. In a shock twist, Bond is drugged by the villain, and fights his way into conciousness in Asshatage's boudoir.
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Mr. Bond: I was expecting you to stay asleep, so you couldn't!"
Fortunately, Bond has been equipped by Q with an iPhone, and can use the maps function to figure out his location and call in the SAS to rescue him. They erroneously storm Marks and Spencers in Ipswich, instead.
Bond is forced to fight his way free using only an iPad mini (It has to be shaken, but not stirred, because the accerometer is a bit shanky).
The Bond Car is a Porsche Panamera. Bond is impressed by it's nausea induction field. Q accepts the praise with a poker face, having not had time to actually modify it at all.
Bond is also given a M$ surface running Windows 8, but he can't figure out anything practical to use it for.
Assange doesn't work for me as a Bond villain - even as a joke. He's not scary at all. Irritating? Often. Brilliant? Sometimes. Frightening? Nope. Even Mike Myers is scarier that him playing a Blofeld parody.
Now if we were talking about someone of the calibre of - say - Daniel Day Lewis playing a Bond villain, I'd get behind that. Or Samuel L. Jackson. Or possibly Ben Mendelsohn.
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