back to article TRULY sinister blond madman signed for Bond 24, whisper insiders

The Register has exclusively learned that the next James Bond movie outing will pit 007 against a truly sinister blond madman "who'll make Javier Bardem look like your kindly maiden aunt playing Mother Teresa for the benefit of kids in a Rwandan orphange", as our inside source put it. Producers hope Julian Assange, who …


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  1. dogged

    Not Zombie Jimmy Savile, then?

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      The problem with that idea is that all the Bond girls would have to be under 16, and that creates a problem with child labour laws, etc

      1. GrumpyJoe

        Oh Snap

        you went there.

        "Your were thinking it!" "Yeah, but YOU said it!" (name the film).

        1. Kris Akabusi

          Re: Oh Snap

          White Chicks?

        2. Scorchio!!
          Thumb Up

          Re: Oh Snap

          "name the film"

          Off on a tangent I realised that any film involving Assange and Swedish women would have to be Doctor No, on the grounds that he was allegedly told No in the event that he had No condom when he pulled his ballistic missile from its (allegedly) damaged rubber silo.

          Speaking of rubber, I can envisage a play or, better still, an opera, in which the dramatis personæ are all rubber sock puppets; amongst the cast there could be a lawyer whose mobile phone proves to him (in court) that he is a lying sock puppet, and there could be a section of, oh, some 10 suckers (including pulchritudinous [some wealthy] femmes of a gullible sort) as a main chorus, with a backdrop of hundreds of thousands of secondary suckers who attack the person rather than the truth (which of course they prefer to ignore, being in love with the Haupt Sockenpuppe, who in turn loves a 16 year old 'babe' whom he punctures and inseminates, not being acquainted with condoms because mommy forgot to have him formally schooled). Finally there I envisage a side dish alongside the Haupt Sockenpuppe, including an as yet unspecified number of dead Afghan sock puppets whose value was plainly nothing to the Haupt Sockenpuppe (they knew what they got into, it was their fault, tough), and one of well seasoned pirates (tho' not from Penzance) who roar out 'yo hee ho ho every time a new torrent of information is captured); sweet and sour.

    2. Kris Akabusi

      New Bond Film Credits

      SPECTRE leader: Jimmy Saville

      Number 2: Gary Glitter

      Number 3: Freddie Starr

      Evil Henchman: Jeremy Forrest

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Step One: Get Pinewood studios inside Assanges apartment.

    Step Two: Make the film.

    I think Step One will be a tad tricky. Just getting the catering van up the steps will be a trial.

  3. Psyx

    I assume that any Bond Girls will be unconscious?

    1. MrT

      ... and Swedish

      ... allegedly.

  4. Khaptain Silver badge


    Garry MCKinnon as one of deranged sidekicks, Kim Dotcom as the other....

    1. Psyx

      Re: Sidekicks

      Bond is trapped and has to escape, while Kim Dotcom is slowly lowered onto him.

      Alternatively, Bond is trapped and has to escape, having been tied to a dinner table and covered in cheese, before a hungry Dotcom is released into the room.

  5. Purlieu

    Bond Sidekicks

    Bradley Manning as Bradley Leiter the CIA agent that fixes things for Bond with the US, but Bond is never really sure if Leiter has connections with Assange. This results in an atmosphere of slight distrust, no bad thing when dealing with CIA. Bond finds out that Leiter had spent 5 years in solitary in a US gaol, where he formulated his plan to bring down Assange using his own data, and using Bond as a fall guy. Bond finds out and puts Leiter back into chokey. Meanwhile Assange, who think's he's off the hook, comes out of the Embassy and a car chase ensues across London, mixed in with the first London Formula 1 grand prix. cameo roles for Hamilton and Alonso (as Javier Bardem)

  6. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

    Make Javier Bardem look like Mother Teresa?

    So... evil then?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I thought you meant Boris Johnson from the title of the article ....

  8. Psyx

    Asshatange goes into hiding. Bond has to cunningly trick him out of hiding by pretending to be a journo, offering him a few column inches and a front-page. In a shock twist, Bond is drugged by the villain, and fights his way into conciousness in Asshatage's boudoir.

    "Do you expect me to talk?"

    "No, Mr. Bond: I was expecting you to stay asleep, so you couldn't!"

    Fortunately, Bond has been equipped by Q with an iPhone, and can use the maps function to figure out his location and call in the SAS to rescue him. They erroneously storm Marks and Spencers in Ipswich, instead.

    Bond is forced to fight his way free using only an iPad mini (It has to be shaken, but not stirred, because the accerometer is a bit shanky).

    The Bond Car is a Porsche Panamera. Bond is impressed by it's nausea induction field. Q accepts the praise with a poker face, having not had time to actually modify it at all.

    Bond is also given a M$ surface running Windows 8, but he can't figure out anything practical to use it for.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I was thinking more along the lines of

      "Do you expect me to talk?"

      "No, Mr. Bond: I was expecting you to pay my bail when I run into that embassy .... Mwuhahahaha"

    2. Zebidee

      That would be the getaway skateboard then?

      badum tish..

  9. sabba

    Inline with the new, darker Bond films, might not a more realistic villain be appropriate... about someone from that Bush circus. George W could play the deranged simpleton side-kick and his Pa could be the uber baddie.

    1. John Sturdy

      Re: Inline with the new, darker Bond films, might not a more realistic villain be appropriate...

      With Blair as the evil sub-contractor!

    2. sabba

      Re: Inline with the new, darker Bond films, might not a more realistic villain be appropriate...

      Crikey I got a thumbs down.

      George W - are you now reading the Reg? (well, when I say reading....)

  10. Peter Murphy

    I drink your milkshare, Mr. Bond! I drink it up!

    Assange doesn't work for me as a Bond villain - even as a joke. He's not scary at all. Irritating? Often. Brilliant? Sometimes. Frightening? Nope. Even Mike Myers is scarier that him playing a Blofeld parody.

    Now if we were talking about someone of the calibre of - say - Daniel Day Lewis playing a Bond villain, I'd get behind that. Or Samuel L. Jackson. Or possibly Ben Mendelsohn.

  11. Anonymous Coward

    Did no one else spot that when...

    ..he was trying to get to Ecuador, there just so happened to be a Volcano that was suddenly active again?

    Talk about preparing the Lair...

  12. ACx

    Is this site being paid for all this 007 publicity its wetting its self over?

    1. Psyx
      Thumb Up

      Hope so, because then they might print more!

  13. James Rouse

    "who'll make Javier Bardem look like [...] Mother Teresa"

    He'll make Javier Bardem seem even *more* evil? not possible.

  14. The Grump

    And playing James Bond...

    The new James Bond will be played by veteran actor Ben Stein. The name is Bonnnnnnd. Jaaaaaames Bonnnnnnd. A martini, shaaaaaaken, not stirred.

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