back to article Oi, missile boffins! Stop ogling web filth at work - Pentagon

Pentagon top brass have ordered missile defence boffins to stop using government computers to surf for porn. An official memo, dispatched by Executive Director John James Jr, reprimanded employees and contractors over "inappropriate use of the MDA [Missile Defense Agency] network" over recent months. "Specifically, there have …


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  1. Anonymous Coward

    Shades of Dr Strangelove

    You can't wank in here. This is the War Room.

    1. AceRimmer

      Re: Shades of Dr Strangelove

      Shouldn't that be:

      "50 Shades of Dr Strangeglove"?

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Since Obama cancelled half the Space program these guys have just got more time on their hands.

      An inevitable consequence when dealing with the cock ups who are in charge.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Irrelevant political attack

        <QUOTE>Since Obama cancelled half the Space program these guys have just got more time on their hands</QUOTE>

        Isn't the space program NASA? We're talking about missiles here which is a completely different agency. And the NASA cuts go back well before the Obama administration.

        1. Katie Saucey

          Re: Irrelevant political attack

          The USAF "space command" budget has always been a fair bit more than NASA, to the extent that no one can really quote a true figure. I guess they are just taking away the fapping perk out of the gov contract.

    3. Arctic fox

      Re: "Shades of......" Well I for one am going to keep my mouth shut from now on.............

      ............when we read about the latest mallware outbreak etc. I am not going to say a word about the "great unwashed" and their utter refusal to learn basic "pc safety". When employees in a major military organisation, who are themselves (allegedly) highly educated and trained to be security aware are logging onto the biggest source of malicious exploits in known space then there is no bloody hope left at all. "I am on an important military network and I feel like some porn, what can possibly go wrong?"

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I for one...

    ...would rather not have sexually frustrated people working with weapons of mass destruction.

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: I for one...

      Rather explains the shape of ICBMs though...

      Aerodynamics my arse!

      Hmmm, bad choice of words.

      1. Rob 5

        The shape of ICBMs

        Colin Powell tells a story about a signing ceremony for some disarmament treaty or other, where they had a US Minutman (IIRC) and a USSR SS-20 on display.

        Apparently his wife's first comment was "Why is theirs so much bigger than ours?".

        1. hayseed

          Re: The shape of ICBMs

          SS-20 is a mobile missile. Minuteman is a silo-based missile. Thus not surprised to find:



          Weight 37,100 kg (82,000 lb)

          Length 16.5 m (54 ft)

          Diameter 1.8 m (5 ft 11 in)

          Minuteman III:


          Weight 78,000 lb (35,300 kg)

          Length 59 ft 9.5 in (18.2 m)

          Diameter 5 ft 6 in (1.7 m) (1st stage)

          Thus, the SS-20 is a little thicker, but ours is five feet longer.

          1. Hieronymus Howerd

            Re: The shape of ICBMs

            You must be awesome at parties.

            1. ravenviz Silver badge

              Re: The shape of ICBMs

              Political ones?

          2. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
            Paris Hilton

            Re: The shape of ICBMs

            Minuteman III: Long and thin, to far in

            SS-20: Short and thick, does the trick

            Paris, fan of the (a) Minuteman III; (b) SS-20; (c) The Ann Summers Rampant Rabbit Thruster Deluxe

    2. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: I for one...

      Cor! Look at the megatonnes on that!

    3. Graham Marsden

      Re: I for one...

      It's probably some Commie Plot to sap our Precious Bodily Fluids!

  3. Crisp
    Paris Hilton

    "Those caught misusing the network will face disciplinary action"

    Unless they're caught on a BDSM site.

  4. Elmer Phud

    In-house movies only

    Vid starts with truck towing launcher.

    Missile raises slowly from horizontal to vertical.

    Some fiddling about and it rears up in to the sky for a short time before discharging its payload to the cheers of a bunch of blokes watching on.

    They then go off for a 'comfort break'.

    Ah, it's all porn anyway.

  5. DrStrangeLug

    Leave them alone

    As long as they're wanking away they're not starting uncalled for wars.

    1. Matt Bryant Silver badge

      Re: Leave them alone

      "....they're not starting uncalled for wars." Take off the tinfoil blinkers and you might have read the bit about how that department works on DEFENCE systems. Indeed, it is the politicians that start wars, not the scientists.

      1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

        Re: politicians that start wars

        I generally agree with your sentiment, but you seem to be unaware of how many times those DEFENSE systems you mention put us a hair's breadth away from annihilation ?

        Check it out, and be happy the Cold War is (almost) over.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I doubt that the Missile Defense Agency is using Windows -- let alone non-airgapped machines -- for any mission-critical development or sensitive data. AFAIK, researchers at MDA are using a mix of Linux and older UNIX workstations, so the "few people downloading material from some websites" were probably support personnel, like purchasing or parking management.

    Anon because I know where the usenet a.b.e archives are located on the MDA servers :-)

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: "Malware"?

      > I doubt that the Missile Defense Agency is using Windows -- let alone non-airgapped machines -- for any > mission-critical development or sensitive data.

      I'd like to think so too, but I wouldn't put money on it.

  7. Dave 32

    Missile Command

    Which would we rather have them doing? Watching pr*n, or playing missile command (and, then, forgetting which is the gaming computer, and which is the launch control computer)? Seems a lot safer to have them watching pr*n.

    Plus, what else are all of those guys (and gals!) going to do while they're locked in those underground bunkers for all that time?


  8. Jim Lewis
    Paris Hilton

    ...with the resulting failing eyesight and having only one hand free, entering the wrong target coordinates is an accident waiting to happen

  9. RobbieCrusoe
    Big Brother

    Come on, this is an American agency... the "porn" in question will probably be their equivalent of a page three girl or something as mundane as that.

  10. Benny

  11. Alan Esworthy
    Big Brother

    Not sated?

    I'm surprised these guys still have unsatisfied sexual appetites after the continuous and vigorous screwing they give us taxpayers year in and year out.

  12. umacf24

    Do porn sites still carry malware?

    Looking at our logs, malware is mostly from compromised WordPress sites and third-rank online merchants. Compromise victims. Like phishing sites, the porn-merchants don't want people blocked from their sites by their AV, so they keep them 'clean.'

    But my data are incomplete. So it's a genuine question.

    1. Tom 35

      Re: Do porn sites still carry malware?

      It's more malware sites carry porn.

      -Lift some porn from another site.

      -Post it on your malware loaded site.

      Spam links to free porn, get a few stupid people to install "flash / codec / free stripper on your desktop"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Do porn sites still carry malware?

        Employer (IT security company) did some research recently and it seems that (as a proportion of the whole) not only are blogs more likely than grot stops to carry malware but sites carrying information about religeous matters are also more likely to deliver unto you a nasty dose of something infectious...

        I would love to see a US gov memo reminding people not to visit religious websites :)

        BTW - I am SURE that TFSM is not included...

  13. Old Handle

    Must be an awful boring job

    I'm sure there's a bit more to it, but I'm imagining most of these guys are just sitting around waiting for an alarm to go off that means WW3 has started. Can't really blame them for surfing porn.

  14. asdf

    a perfect example

    This should serve as warning to the Republicans (both parties really) why spending money on defense as a job creator is a terrible idea.

    1. Matt Bryant Silver badge

      Re: a perfect example

      ".....why spending money on defense as a job creator...." But surely in this case it created even more jobs? Porn site admins, models, photographers....

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