back to article Ever considered putting a rocket up someone's backside?

Many of us - most, perhaps - have carelessly spoken of putting a rocket up someone's backside. But now, a pioneering Australian researcher has shown that in fact this would be a highly unwise act: not only would the recipient of the combustibles be unlikely to be galvanised into helpful activity, he or she might also wind up in …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "an unnamed man in Darwin"

    Can't think of a better named place for this to happen.

    1. JDX Gold badge

      Re: "an unnamed man in Darwin"

      Took the words right out of my mouth.

      Do we know which end he inserted?

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Vulch

        Re: "an unnamed man in Darwin"

        Probably doesn't matter. Flame comes out of the bottom (of the rocket) to get it to height, then it blows the sparkly bits out of the top. Paraphrasing the 'B' Ark marketeers, either way he gets anally inserted fire...

        Still no Rocket Science icon...

        1. Dr. Mouse
          Coffee/keyboard

          Re: "an unnamed man in Darwin"

          "Flame comes out of the bottom"

          I now have spaghetti all over my keyboard and monitor... Thanks!

  2. james lewis
    Flame

    Did the conflagration in his nether regions affect his ability to procreate?

    Sounds like a potential Darwin award candidate if so.

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Exactly my thoughts - we should be told.

      Oh, and pictures or it didn't happen.

      Why do I have the feeling I'm not the only one with tears in his eyes in this affair (albeit for different reasons)..

      1. Roger Kynaston Silver badge
        Happy

        This is a title

        Correction. Playmobil or it didn't happen

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ability to procreate

      That may depend on what he used as a fuse

  3. proto-robbie
    Holmes

    Sherlock, because...

    Funny how "burn" and "bum" go together so well.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It isn't as easy as it looks

    Apparently the mistake most people make when shooting rockets out of their arse is to clench when the hot rocket exhaust hits their delicate skin, preventing the rocket from departing skywards.

    I'm assuming this guy didn't actually put the rocket in backwards or he'd have probably blown his arse off instead of scorching it a bit, but the story seems a little unclear on that point...

    1. Flugal
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: It isn't as easy as it looks

      "blown his arse off" - brilliant.

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: It isn't as easy as it looks

      I think he was lucky. Imaging the involuntary clench would have added some intestinal gas to the proceedings..

      Talk about going out with a bang..

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It isn't as easy as it looks

      I've seen the video of one guy getting a scorched scrote from unexpected anal clampage.

      I've heard it is possible using the tube from a pen round the stick (like launching from a bottle, but not quite as wide or difficult to get into position) and using Vaseline as a protection against the initial sparks, but don't know anyone stupid enough to test the idea

      1. Nick Woodruffe
        Mushroom

        Oh yeah! Vasseline for protection??? It's petroleum jelly. That's like spreading napalm on your jewels.

        Granted you have to warm the vasseline up but a rocket exhaust at several hundred degrees (even hotter if its a zinc based motor) will have no problem.

    4. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: It isn't as easy as it looks

      Pictures, or it didn't happen

      OK

      http://youtu.be/TiIdhEdwaeo

      1. fajensen Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: It isn't as easy as it looks

        Brilliant. Especially the rocket going PoP at the end, as an afterthought.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    State?

    Technically Northern Territory is considered a Federal Territory rather than a State. Territory Day is great fun though - some years ago, I accidentally set fire to part of a golf course in Darwin with errant fireworks.

    1. Tim #3

      Re: State?

      You've got a golf course on your arse? That's quite unusual in this country.

      1. Thomas 4

        Re: State?

        That's an awfully big arse.

        1. Identity
          Coat

          Re: State?

          You never know what you'll find down under...

  6. Jean Le PHARMACIEN
    Flame

    retro fitted rocket man "may have to be airlifted" !!

    Plllfffftt !!

    Mine's a new keyboard AND Nexus S!

    "may have to be airlifted to a specialist Australian burns " excellent!

    £the existence of this burns unit is heartwarming" priceless

    An d from Darwin too! Just too apt.

    The guy (or is that Guy? Haha) is lucky to be alive but the report writing deserves a prize

    1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Joke

      Re: retro fitted rocket man "may have to be airlifted" !!

      I think you are confused...

      It's called a burns unit because they feed you nothing but haggis and read Scots poetry all the time

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tasteless Jokes

    Having removed a significant part of his posterior, this does lead to some interesting put-downs if he ever gets back to work (if indeed he has a job).

    Poor workmanship can now be greeted quite legitimately with a cheery "well, that's a bit of a half-arsed job, isn't it?"

    Laziness with "what's the matter? Could you not be arsed?"

    Tomfoolery with "stop arsing about!"

    1. JimmyPage
      Coat

      If you can't sit down

      a put down will have to do ....

    2. Thomas 4
      Unhappy

      Re: Tasteless Jokes

      I found those jokes to be in poor form. I'm afraid they hit something of a bum note with me.

    3. Jim Carter
      Coat

      Re: Tasteless Jokes

      I can imagine the poor man being the butt of many jokes.

  8. Graham Bartlett
    Flame

    "the existence of this burns unit is heartwarming"

    I think the problem was excess warming in other areas.

  9. This post has been deleted by its author

  10. Paul_Murphy
    Joke

    At the interview

    >the existence of this burns unit is heartwarming

    So you worked where? - I can't quite make this out..

    ..mumble mumble..

    Sorry?

    ..Ok - the Australian Rocket Scorched Epidermis Centre for Really Awfully Cooked sKin..

    Oh, Ok then thanks!

    I imagine Darwin in Australia must need one of those more than other places.

    ttfn

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Mushroom

    Errr...

    Does anyone else find it worrying that Australia has (or requires?) a unit specialising in injuries of this nature?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Errr...

      Hmm. I imagine it^s a place where one is tortured by recordings of bad Scots dialect poetry in an Australian accent, with Scottish bagpipes and non-stop haggis for tea.

    2. Denarius Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Errr...

      nah, part of our ethnicity. lots of stuff burns here, trees, tempers, ground in summer.

  12. PaulJDixon
    Happy

    Third degree bums

    Because OCR software will sometimes interpret "burns" as "bums", fun can be had with a google search for "third degree bums" and suchlike. You know, if it's a slow day at the office...

  13. Crisp

    Alcohol was a possible factor

    No fucking shit!

    1. Syed
      Holmes

      Re: Alcohol was a possible factor

      You forgot the Sherlock icon!!!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Alcohol was a possible factor

      > No f***ing s**t!

      Yes, that might be a problem too.

    3. John McCallum
      Flame

      Re: Alcohol was a possible factor

      Or a very painful one.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Alchohol?

    Or Methanol? Either way, it appears one smart arse nearly blew his brains out.

    There certainly weren't any in the other end.

  15. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    How was he airlifted? Self propelled?

    Inquiring minds want to know..

    God, I'll be here all week. It still gets me laughing, hahaha.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Singed

    Reminds me of the time when a rival rugby club was persuaded to attempt the "Dance of the flaming arseholes" using Izal Medicated rather than the traditional puppy-based paper. That stuff burns FAST. The smell of scorched arse hair nearly put us off our pies.

  17. gaz 7

    Mackems have beaten the aussies

    Some nutter Mackem from Sunderland did this several years ago - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wear/6132140.stm with a Black Cat Thunderbolt....

    dont think I would ever be that pissed...

  18. taxman
    Facepalm

    Rectum?

    No. Blew it to bits!

  19. eamonnb

    It's even been done on TV

    Does anyone remember this? An early-90s variety show called Packing them In. Chris Lynham:

    - Dances naked

    - With a firework up his arse

    - Singing "There's no business like show business"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBo7-YoVDEw [WARNING! NSFW! In fact, not safe for eyes - mod]

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    bindun

    Its actually featured in one of the jackass video's where they launch a rocket from steve-o's ass. Plus the viral's from ebaumsworld which is far far far funnier because the guy clenches and has a mis-launch :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9pVM-20CIA

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Farts

    No, no, no. The idea is that you simply have a nice lunch of beans and onions, and then proceed to light the resulting "gas". Yes, it does work, I've seen it. And, be very careful which way that thing is pointed!

    A Non Ymous

  22. Bucky 2
    Coat

    Keep coolie cool, boy

    Am I the only showtune queen to think of "Cool" from West Side Story?

    I live in the desert; I'll get my shoes.

  23. senrik1
    FAIL

    What can I say

    What a dumb-ass

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Ever considered putting a rocket up someone's backside?"

    "Ever considered putting a rocket up someone's backside?"

    Yes. Hasn't everyone?

  25. clarknova
    Joke

    "Burns Unit"

    This is what I refer to the kitchen as when my wife is in there practising the culinary arts.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    darwin award prospect....

    no c4rp... this is yet another poor excuse for someone to try to get their Darwin award and make their name known... too bad there are others with loftier goals who have gained such prestige :P

  27. Michael Dunn
    Flame

    Moving ever so slightly off topic

    I've been thinking about the subject of "human spontaneous combustion", as described, for instance, in Dickens' Bleak House.

    Admittedly that was fiction, and the guy was long pickled in gin, but notes to the book suggest that Dickens had heard of instances of the phenomenon "reliably attested to." And there are a number of other cases of anecdotal evidence pointing to the possibility that there have been genuine cases of this happening. So we come to:

    Dunn's theory of the origin of spontaneous combustion

    As is well known, breaking wind is often, even usually, accompanied by the release of methane - a highly combustible gas (British Gas makes its profits from burning methane) but there are often byproducts: hydrogen sulphide, various mercaptans, carbon disulphide (extremely low flash point) and other minor trace compounds fairly swamped by the amount of carbon dioxide produced in the gut by lactose fermenting organisms.

    However, it has occurred to me that among these trace products there will be gases with a trivalent atom combined with three hydrogen atoms. Ammonia sprigs to mind, as does arsine (how well named!) from traces of arsenic in the food, and possibly phospine? The latter, as any third or fourth year pupil who studied chemistry in school pre 'elf'n'safety waffle put an end to actually demonstrating experiments in the lab, will take fire as soon as it is exposd to the air. If surrounded by a cloud of methane, this could result in quite a torch, which, with clothes in the immediate vicinity, getting a grip on the local fat content of the body and the cloth forming a wick, could possibility produce an actual instance of "spontaneous combustion."

    I think the ico speaks for itself!

  28. marbar12
    Thumb Up

    I am indeed intrigued as to whether Bill Brysons note on the Aussie-ism "I tell you mate, he was farting sparks!" was sparked off by a similar incident?

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