back to article Christians get God-optimized 'Edifi' Android fondleslab

The tablet market is getting increasingly competitive these days, but an American company believes its offering may have a unique selling point: it's a fondleslab for the faithful. Dubbed the Edifi, the seven-inch device is billed as the first tablet computer designed specifically for Christians, and comes with streaming …


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  1. Efros

    I wonder

    Is rooting a mortal sin?

    1. Captain Save-a-ho

      Re: I wonder

      I wonder how quickly someone will blame this on Gordon Brown or Barack Obama, though Family Christian may already have done so, I suppose.

    2. Thorne

      Re: I wonder

      "Is rooting a mortal sin?"

      Only if you haven't married your devices beforehand

    3. Arctic fox

      Re: "Is rooting a mortal sin?"

      Only if you are an Australian.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: "Is rooting a mortal sin?"

        Only if you do it without the intent of procreation.

        So I guess rooting is OK if you are virus dropping ...

    4. LarsG

      I will say nothing

      For fear of retribution!

    5. Uncle Slacky

      Re: I wonder

      Only if you replace it with Ubuntu Satanic Edition...

    6. Great Bu

      Re: I wonder

      Is rooting a mortal sin ?

      It can be, if you don't use enough lubrication.

    7. Velv

      Re: I wonder

      Lucky its an unnamed Korean OEM. It could have been Canadian and then you would be RIMming

    8. Grikath

      Re: I wonder


      According to the local fundie youth over here using a backdoor casually is all right.

  2. Katie Saucey


    Now that god is taking on Apple for market share, where do I hedge my bet, with father or son? God!...Jobs! show me the light!

  3. ceebee

    war crimes....

    Seems to me Moses could face a war crimes tribunal in the Hague... smiting 3,000 unbelievers is not exactly PC!

    No tolerance in Old Judea! Sort of Taliban BC.

    Baal shall rise !!

    1. Katie Saucey

      Re: war crimes....

      I thought SG1 took care of Baal in and around the last season....

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: war crimes....

        War crimes? No problemo!

        After Joshua died, the Israelites asked the LORD, "Which tribe should attack the Canaanites first?" The LORD answered, "Judah, for I have given them victory over the land." The leaders of Judah said to their relatives from the tribe of Simeon, "Join with us to fight against the Canaanites living in the territory allotted to us. Then we will help you conquer your territory." So the men of Simeon went with Judah. When the men of Judah attacked, the LORD gave them victory over the Canaanites and Perizzites, and they killed ten thousand enemy warriors at the town of Bezek. While at Bezek they encountered King Adoni-bezek and fought against him, and the Canaanites and Perizzites were defeated. Adoni-bezek escaped, but the Israelites soon captured him and cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-bezek said, "I once had seventy kings with thumbs and big toes cut off, eating scraps from under my table. Now God has paid me back for what I did to them." They took him to Jerusalem, and he died there. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem and captured it, killing all its people and setting the city on fire. (Judges 1:1-8 NLT)

        1. Michael Dunn

          Re: war crimes....

          Sorry, a bit bemused here - if they had killed all the people, why set the city on fire - hadn't they yet learnt the value of real estate? There must have been stores and office-blocks available for re-occupation.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Judges 15:15

      Then he (Samson) picked up a donkey's jawbone that was lying on the ground and killed a thousand Philistines with it.

      On topic, although a Christian I do wonder sometimes at people who would buy these "christianised" devices. OK so some may like it as a sure way to get a known but far too often it's a way to pass off schlock.

    3. theModge

      Re: war crimes....

      Not war crimes.

      His side one. It's a known fact that only the loosing side commits war crimes....

      1. Chris Parsons Bronze badge

        Re: war crimes....

        His side one? So the other side nil, presumably? Or maybe they won?

        1. TheRealRoland

          Re: war crimes....

          And make sure you fasten again what is loose.

  4. Muckminded

    Will Jesus let me view porn on it?

    I don't want to buy one just to be struck by holy fire on first use.

    1. Richard Wharram

      Re: Will Jesus let me view porn on it?

      No but you can watch the live action version of Lot and his daughters if that floats your boat.

      (Ban this sick filth!)

      1. Kevin Turvey

        Re: Will Jesus let me view porn on it?

        Interesting bit about that episode in "The God Delusion", I'm just in the process of reading it again, probably for the 4th/5th time, I love that book!

  5. Arctic fox

    "he smashed the tablets"

    ...............after he discovered that they had been bricked.

    1. micheal

      Re: "he smashed the tablets"

      most likely failed to get an import ban so took the quicker than appeal court route

  6. David Hicks

    At $150....

    That's not bad, assuming it can be reflashed with something less... jesusified.

    You'll notice it also has a micro SD slot, something the nexus is sadly lacking.

  7. westlake


    If I never see "fondleslab" used to describe a tablet in The Register again it will be far too soon.

    1. Callam McMillan

      Re: Infantile.

      Get used to it. If you don't like the term Fondleslab, please take yourself and your comments to an alternative Tech site. Thanks!

      1. TheRealRoland

        Re: Infantile.

        You must be new here?

        I remember fondly the times of mobe and lappy...

        *sniff* they grow up so fast...

  8. PaddyPower

    presumably a celestial backup,

    The first recorded case of a Backup and restore to and from The Cloud?

    1. joejack

      Re: presumably a celestial backup,

      Plenty of backups, as the 10 commandments along with everything else were pilfered from earlier religions.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    celestial backup

    You wrote:

    "Moses was then told to carve a new set of tablets, and upon them God restored the sacred text files from what was presumably a celestial backup, thus retiring history's first recorded tablet tech-support ticket."

    But if you read Exodus 34, the "celestial backup" is totally different from the original. It seems that even then tech-support messed up the backup files.

    1. P. Lee

      Re: celestial backup

      Extreme data recovery!

    2. Thorne

      Re: celestial backup

      "But if you read Exodus 34, the "celestial backup" is totally different from the original. It seems that even then tech-support messed up the backup files."

      Not messed up, upgraded.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Upgraded? (was: Re: celestial backup)

        You mean god made mistakes in the first version of the tablets? This supposed "perfect" being is hardly omnipotent, then, right? (c.f. "creation" according to Genesis 1 v.s. Genesis 2.4 ... ).

        (Yes, I've read the Bible (and Apocrypha) cover to cover, several times, in several languages, and many translations. I even have a degree in the subject. I'm not religious, I'm just interested in what little written info exists from that era and earlier. Humanity forgets mistakes, and we are doomed to repeat them. See the current situation in the middle east ... and I'm not saying any one side is "right". All the religions involved are in the wrong, IMO, including Wall Street. Organized religion is the root of all evil.)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Upgraded? (was: celestial backup)

          "You mean god made mistakes in the first version of the tablets?"

          Gosh, what a terrible thing to say.

          The mark 1 tablets were surely perfect for their time, but expectations had advanced. The mark 2s had rounder corners and were carved into thinner slabs, presumably in a whiter shade of alabaster or somesuch. The bible does not comment whether the text was chiselled in by an army of asian cherubim, however.

          In unrelated news, I hear Samsung's board been will be to eat the blended carcass of a Galaxy 3 when the current raft of court cases comes to a close.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Upgraded? (was: celestial backup)

          Nah probably just modified after negative reviews "Just be nice to each other, and don't like do any bad stuff?!!, I was at the least expecting ten commandments - one star don't buy this!"

    3. Stoneshop Silver badge

      Re: celestial backup

      totally different from the original.

      Well, that's Cloud storage (can't be anything else, evidently) for you.

    4. Andus McCoatover

      Re: celestial backup different from original?

      Tears of mirth.

      South Park piss-take of Mormons, Joseph Smith using two stones in a hat, Urim and Thummim to read them.

      You'll look it up, haven't time to write, but...(Background vocals)


      Until Smith's witness' wife, the former to whom Smith delivered the 'translation' had a 'cunning plan'


      The replacements were of course, different.

      Pissed Isaac Hayes off. Right off!!!!

  10. Khaptain

    Battery is optional

    I can presume the due to the "Power of God", this thing won't need a battery or has an eternal charge.

    I can imagine the scenario where the proverbial pair of Mormons come to your door holding one if these Holy Tablet's.

    Will the Church hand them out for free, I might be worth turning up to Sunday School or whatever they call it.

    Those of the Jewish faith I presume will know where to "get a good deal" on one.

    We could have an animated bible , with the parting of the Red Sea on live, or the plague of Locusts, "as it actually happened".

    What a wonderful marketing tool. ( Wait a minute ...............)

    1. Thorne

      Re: Battery is optional

      "Those of the Jewish faith I presume will know where to "get a good deal" on one."

      The Islamic one explodes

      1. jake Silver badge

        Thorne contributes: "The Islamic one explodes"

        Uh, Thorne ... I think that over time, the Christians have exploded more ordinance[1] than the Muslims. Probably by more than six orders of magnitude, over the last 10 centuries or so. I suspect that the Jewish side of the picture is around two orders of magnitude ahead of Islam since the establishment of Eretz-Israel in 1948 ...

        One god? My ass ... One GreatUnwashedIgnorantSheeple, more like.

        [1] On a "damage done" basis, not count of individual firecrackers/bangers ... AK47s are amazingly capable of going through massive quantities of ammunition without actually doing any damage.

        1. Thorne

          Re: Thorne contributes: "The Islamic one explodes"

          "Uh, Thorne ... I think that over time, the Christians have exploded more ordinance[1] than the Muslims. "

          Ah yes but they're the ones strapping a bomb to their ass at the moment so all bomb jokes will be directed at them. When the Buddists start blowing themselves instead of the Muslims the target of bomb jokes will move.

          Actually we should start a list of all the religious features.

          The Christian one is child friendly, very friendly

          The Islamic one explodes

          The Jewish one is on sale

          The Buddist one use to be an iPad in a previous life

          1. Thorne

            Re: Thorne contributes: "The Islamic one explodes"

            The Scientology one is made by Alienware

            Can't forget them wacky Scientologists

      2. Tapeador

        @ Thorne



        Reply Icon

        Re: Battery is optional

        "Those of the Jewish faith I presume will know where to "get a good deal" on one."


        I suppose if the group you belonged to had historically been barred from all occupations except money-lending and peddling, and even from these at times, you might be able to find a good deal on sthg as well.

  11. Robert E A Harvey

    27 translations of the bible?

    There must be something about gay marriage in at least one of those, eh?

    1. Thorne

      Re: 27 translations of the bible?

      "There must be something about gay marriage in at least one of those, eh?"

      There is. It's accompanied by words like buring, hell and eternal suffering. There is nothing more caring and understanding than religion.

    2. Michael Dunn

      Re: 27 translations of the bible?

      In an infinite universe.............

  12. Ketlan


    'should block any temptation to peak at inappropriate content'

    I can't work out if that's an error or not. Fnarr fnarr.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Peak?

      Yeah but in this context it probably means anything by Charles Darwin or Richard Dawkins

  13. Magnus Ramage

    27 versions, meh

    27 streamed Bible versions is not that impressive. The YouVersion app on my HP Touchpad can stream 29 translations of the Bible into English, plus many more in other languages. The app is available for many other mobile platforms (indeed I also have it on my Android phone). Now 27 *offline* versions would be more impressive, as translations of the Bible tend either to be expensive to get offline, or pretty fringe translations. But this just mentions streaming. (Curiously the Touchpad YouVersion app just allows streaming, but the Android app has some offline versions - not ones most people have heard of, apart from the King James Version, though.)

    Basically this is just a standard tablet with a bit of branding. Might be decent, might be rubbish. But the same thing could be done in any number of areas.

    1. Uncle Slacky

      Re: 27 versions, meh

      Ah, but which one is the *right* one?

      If English was good enough for Jesus, etc....

      1. Khaptain

        Re: 27 versions, meh

        Being the son of the Great Sky Fairy undoubtedly he possessed a Babel Fish so language probably didn't matter

  14. TeeCee Gold badge

    "......peak at inappropriate content."

    That happened to me once.

    I had to beat it with a mallet to get it down again.

    1. Silverburn

      Re: "......peak at inappropriate content."

      Inappropriate content? So that's Lancet, New Scientist and all the works of Darwin banned then...

      1. Michael Dunn

        Re: "......peak at inappropriate content."

        As the masochist said: "Beat me", and the Sadist said: "No".

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "......peak at inappropriate content."


      I just used my fist.

    3. Anonymous Coward 15

      Re: "......peak at inappropriate content."


      "I alert twitter users that they typed sneak peak when they meant sneak peek. I live a sad life."

  15. Confuciousmobil

    How many of those translations say Moses had iPads? If none, I think there is room for a new translation.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Oh Orgasmic!"

    "Holiest tablet since Moses was gifted by a burning bush"

    Although I don't think "gifted" is a word.

    1. Michael Dunn

      Re: "Oh Orgasmic!"

      He's got this all wrong anyway. The burning bush was Moses' intro to the idea of getting the Israelites out of Egypt, not the "revelation" of the ten commandments - 5 of which were already well observed by Buddhists at points east of Sinai.

  17. Graham Marsden

    Surely there's prior art...

    ... with the Jesus Phone...

  18. Crisp

    A fondleslab for the hate filled bigot on the move.

    How soon till we start getting yelled at by street preachers with these things?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A fondleslab for the hate filled bigot on the move.

      So you regard all religious people as hate filled bigots?

      Look in the mirror.

      (this is from an athiest who is not bigotted against those who think otherwise.)

      1. Crisp

        Re: A fondleslab for the hate filled bigot on the move.

        How exactly am I supposed to regard people that stand on street corners and tell me that I'm going to burn for an eternity in hell?

        1. Michael Dunn

          Re: A fondleslab for the hate filled bigot on the move.

          Just laugh at them.

    2. TheRealRoland

      Re: A fondleslab for the hate filled bigot on the move.

      That's what the battery life is for... Or lack thereof.

  19. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    Holiest tablet since Moses was gifted by a burning bush

    That made my Friday! Need to clean the keyboard now

  20. Kevin Turvey


    Is this being targeted at any particular church? Catholic Church for example, if so does it come with a "Choirboy" app?

    1. Khaptain

      Re: Apps

      Yes, they come with the "Choirboy app" which is used in conjunction with the "Get out of Jail free" app and are also loaded with the "Lesbian Nun " book reader App.

      Now I wonder why they are named "Fondle-Slabs" ?

  21. dotdavid

    I think there'll be a lot of people coveting thy neighbours' tablets.

    1. Anonymous Coward 15

      Thou shalt not witness thy neighbour's ass. Even if she's hot.

  22. Miek

    Can I run Ubuntu Christian Edition on it?

  23. David Lawrence

    Apple patent trolls will be on this.... a rash. Are those corners rounded? Are they (gasp)......icons? Guilty! Bring it on - Apple vs the Supreme Deity Himself. But which one is best? There's only one way to find out........ FIGHT!!!!

    Oh but I already know the outcome - Apple fail because this particular iPad wannabe is clearly a LOT less cool than the iPad.

  24. Mark .


    "Google has somewhat crippled their marketing plan by announcing the Nexus 7 tablet, which is more highly specced than anything else at the same price point"

    Except this is $149, wasn't the 8GB Nexus 7 $199?

    The main downpoint of this (aside from the crippled censored browser) seems to be still running Android 2.3, but price-wise, I don't think it's unreasonable that it has lower spec, when it's so much cheaper. And if it has microSD as someone pointed out, then if you want 16GB the price difference will be even greater (since the cost of an 8GB microSD card, or even 16GB or 32GB, is hardly anything).

  25. This Side Up

    Religion is designed to...

    1. perpetuate itself - Go forth and multiply;

    2. put the fear of god into people to...

    3. make them do what you want them to do (otherwise they'll burn in hell);

    4. play on peoples fear of the unknown, death, etc (foir the same purpose);

    5. make money (especially in the US). "Praise the Lord and send us your money."

    1. kbutler.toledo

      Re: Religion is designed to...

      All of the above

  26. Tom 35

    Can it add up all your sins for the week

    And suggest a donation each Sunday to keep you in the good books with god?

    Enter your Visa/MC/American Express here...

  27. Spoddyhalfwit

    What about my apple one

    If I get one of these new Christian fondleslabs I can give my Apple to my girlfriend, Eve - what harm can it possibly do?

  28. Erik Pedersen

    Scribal interpolations and dehydration

    Clearly Exodus 34:28 and Deuteronomy 9:18 are scribal interpolations. Had the scribes who wrote those verses ever tried going without water for much more than a week (or two or three days in a hot desert land) they'd have suffered irreversible renal failure. Since Moses was a prophet, he would have foreseen this catastrophic result and brought many litres of water with him in jerry cans to survive.

  29. kbutler.toledo

    The Christian Tablet

    I have to ask, if it is intended for Christians WHY doe it need site blocking for inappropriate materials or content?

    Were there really 15 commandments give to Moses but God had to block five of them?

    I am so gonna go-to-Hell.........................

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Christian fondleslabs

    Do not fondle your Christian fondleslab

    1. Thorne

      Re: Christian fondleslabs

      But is it alright to fondle my Christian fondleslab mini?

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