And the worst film NEVER made is...

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to announce the winner of our reader poll to select the worst film never made. And the winner is... Our movie poster for The Phantom Menace: The Musical Yes indeed, the nightmarish prospect of Eddie Murphy as Jar-Jar Binks swung the popular vote, with The Phantom Menace: The …

[1Rafayal]

I quite liked Megashark vs Giant Octopus...

I await witty put downs, thumb downs etc.

[Jon Double Nice]

Megashark vs Giant Octopus is so kitsch

it's awesome! One of my favourite bits was watching the clocks jump around in the background of scenes where they were cut together from so many takes. That kind of attention to apparently not paying attention to detail requires a particular level of commitment that I think commands respect.

All I'm saying is, if Banksy had sprayed Megashark vs Giant Octopus up as one of his atrocious stencils then it would be a whole different story, except that it would have been retrograde derivative bilge.

[Pete 2]

picking nits

> Starring Justin Bieber ... Barbara Streisand ...

Having watched ToTP 1977 last night, shouldn't that be Barbra Streisand (though I'm not blameless, for many years I thought her last name was Streisland)

[Phil O'Sophical]

Re: picking nits

True, which is why her TV series and album were called "My Name Is Barbra'

I'm now embarassed to have admitted that I knew that...

[Field Marshal Von Krakenfart]

Re: picking nits

A Bar-bra, is that like an under wired bra? only more uncomfortable

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: picking nits

I just tried seeing if I could make a Star Wars pun on any of her singles or albums. Gave up.

[Jon Double Nice]

If you swapped Elton and Lucas over

so it was directed by Elton John, I would go & see this.

[Svantevid]

God almighty, I've just found a perfect way to hide my porn.

Can I borrow "The Phantom Menace - The Musical" image for a DVD cover?

[Severen]

NEVER hide porn in a case with the word "Musical" on it!

There's nothing more guaranteed to make a woman want to watch a DVD than labelling it a musical.

[TheOtherHobbes]

Unless it's

The Human Centipede - The Musical.

Shame that missed the nominations, eh?

Mind you, anything by Rodgers and Hammerstein is pretty bad too.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: The Human Centipede - The Musical

Do keep in mind what you're doing to yourself when you actually do go searching for your porn though...

[Lord Midas]

Re: Unless it's

Not much singing in that one then

[The Indomitable Gall]

Human Centipede: the musical

Lead character: the entire cast of hit stage show "Stomp!"

[Reading Your E-mail]

Wrong way around

Surely the winner should have just got the one crap DVD, with the third place getting all ten, with fourth place getting all ten and being forced to watch them all back to back without recreating "that scene from scanners" :)

[PikeyDawg]

Haha, wow

That poster is pure win! Congrats to the winners : )

[Tom 38]

10 worst films ever made

Its not the '10 worst films ever made', its the "10 worst popular successful blockbuster films ever made", big difference.

True shit doesn't get seen by a lot of people, otherwise The Room would be top of that list.

[Magnus_Pym]

Re: 10 worst films ever made

Agree. Try Kirk Douglas's 'the Swimmer'.

[DMT]

Re: 10 worst films ever made

Burt Lancaster

[Juan Inamillion]

Re: 10 worst films ever made

I remember watching that and at the end wanted to kill someone for taking away 90 minutes (ish) of my life...

[Blubster]

GitMeMyShootinIrons

What sort of sadistic twisted mind comes up with an idea like The Phantom Menace: The Musical ?

Was he/she dropped on their head as a baby? Did they suffer abuse and bullying in childhood? Whatever it was, I've never in all my years, countenanced such diabolical evil as this.

Justin Bieber as Aniken Skywalker? Oh, the humanity!

[GitMeMyShootinIrons]

Re: GitMeMyShootinIrons

Answers in descending order....

A depressed one who now appears to have wan a collection of pain and suffering that surely must be a breach of the Geneva Convention and certain weapons treaties.

Frequently, frequently and Mwah, ha haaa!

As for Bieber as Skywalker and Striesand as Amidala - think of the implications for the kissy scenes in episode 2...

[John Smith 19]

Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The dark side is strong in this one.

[Armando 123]

Re: GitMeMyShootinIrons

Perhaps, to paraphrase P.G. Wodehouse, when you start with a baby like that, you don't need to drop him on his head.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: GitMeMyShootinIrons

Now Beiber as Jarjar binks wouldnt be unlikely...

[Zombie Womble]

My ears are bleeding just at the thought of it.

[GitMeMyShootinIrons]

Thanks....

Thanks for all the votes. Or no thanks, given the prize...

[Arctic fox]

@GitMeMyShootinirons. For me the killer aspect to this film was the..........

........the casting of Eddie Murphy as Jar-Jar Binks. Given the nightmare that the original Jar-Jar was (it was the first and only time that I felt an overpowering urge to bite the back of the cinema seat in front of me and howl noooooo at the top of my voice) I feel that only Mr Murphy can truly do justice to this role.

[Tim K]

Hmmm

While I applaud the selection of Avatar, most of this list is blockbusters, most all very recent, and contains no bad classics. Where is Death Wish III? Penitentiary III? Nine Deaths of the Ninja?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Hmmm

All gone, lost in the mists of time.

[Reading Your E-mail]

Re: Hmmm

Hey now, nine deaths of the ninja with 'Lollipop' was superb next to the likes of "Sewage Baby" and "Killer Nun"

[Haku]

Snakes on a Plane in the top 10?

Oh come on, the whole premise of the film is right there in the fricken title!

That's like going to the supermarket and buying Hedgehog Flavoured Crisps and then complaining they taste terrible, WTF did you expect?

(I actually did have some hedgehog flavoured crisps as a kid, they did taste terrible, and I did like Snakes on a Plane because I knew what it was going to be like before watching it - a silly popcorn hollywood flick with no aspirations of being anything with substance)

[Lamont Cranston]

Re: Hedgehog Crisps

They were a brand, not a flavour! I got sick of explaining this at school - I can't believe it's come back to haunt me.

Eating a pack of Sea Salt & Cider Vinegar flavour, made me feel like such a sophisticated 8 year old.

[TRT]

Re: Hedgehog Crisps

Whilst they were a brand, the brand came about as their first creation WAS a hedgehog flavour crisp. They apparently asked a gypsy to be their taster in order to get an authentic experience.

[JoeF]

Re: Hedgehog Crisps

They apparently were a flavor:

http://www.doyouremember.co.uk/memory.php?memID=4286

"In the UK in 1981, Hedgehog Foods Ltd decided, as a joke, to produce Hedgehog flavoured crisps (potato chips). To everyone's surprise, the crisps were a huge success.

Hedgehog flavoured crisps were actually flavoured with pork fat and no hedgehogs were used in the manufacturing process."

[Lamont Cranston]

@ JoeF

As Nicholas Parsons might say, "I'll let you have the benefit of the doubt."

[Ty Cobb]

And now something completely different

Worst Film Ever - check

Worst Film Never done - check

BEST Worst Film, Really Really Bad Film that was so bad it's hilarious, favorite bad film you have to watch when it's on TV, i.e, cult classic, etc. Why not do that list?

Entry number one - The Barbarians

Number two - Killer Clowns From Outerspace

And - Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is the obvious one that comes to mind - let's pass on that one, be more original

[Lamont Cranston]

Re: And now something completely different

Great idea, but every other entry would be a Larry Cohen film, so it wouldn't really be fair.

[Juan Inamillion]

Re: And now something completely different

No, every film by Adam Sandler....

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Re: And now something completely different

In relation to the earlier Streisand remark, I just read that as

The Barbrarians

and of course I had to think of Cohen the Barbarian (a.k.a. Ghenghiz Cohen)

Mine is the one with "Interesting Times" in the pocket/

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And now something completely different

Hey, if you're doing AKT, you have to do AKT 2 as well.

Anon for obvious reasons.

[Cubical Drone]

Re: And now something completely different

My nomination for this category would be Deathstalker. It totally fits the 'so bad it's hilarious' description. In fact, it seemed to dawn on the makers what ended up happening, so they tried to do it on purpose with Deathstalker II, but you can never pull off that sort of thing on purpose, so it was just very bad.

[philbo]

I think I've got one of the songs from that...

Oh, Luke, do not be mad

When I tell you I'm your Dad

Honest, it's a blessing, not a curse

Though I missed the whole palaver

Of being there as father

Gotta say things could be so much worse, so

Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force

,.didn't want to post the whole lot, you can read the rest here:

http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/ericidle0.shtml

[John 62]

The C Programming Language

If it was like those Open University Maths lectures from the 70s the BBC2 used to show it might be quite a good film, probably better than PHP for Dummies.

[Field Marshal Von Krakenfart]

Re: The C Programming Language

Beware of the Dark Side of programming Lurk....

no runtime checking

no strict type checking

beware the curse of the NULL pointer

Even those that claim to have mastered it can't always read it...

[Lallabalalla]

Re: The C Programming Language

You could be describing AS3

[Stevie]

Bah!

No applause. This is simply a list of SFX-riddled nonsense which anyone could wave a fist at and say stinks. I agree - where are the pre-cgi suckers? This says as much about the voters as it does about what they voted for. Seriously, what sort of sad bastard would even switch on the TV for anything with "megashark" in the title?

But even if I handwave that, a list that doesn't at least mention the remake of the Flight of the Phoenix is worthless in a "worst movie ever" enumeration.

[Ty Cobb]

Re: Bah!

The movie sucked, horribly

But - the shark ate a plane! Unfortunately they did not capitilize on the campy aspect, and you saw the entire shark/plane meal in the trailer.

[Francis Vaughan]

Poster?

A humble request.

Any chance of making a really high res version of the poster available? This one is so good it deserves more than just a fleeting exposure in el Reg's article.

[Lester Haines]

Re: Poster?

I'll ask our design geezer Andy...

[Ken Hagan]

Re: Poster?

Sadly, you might need to float the idea past your legal team, too.

[Lester Haines]

Re: Re: Poster?

Pah

[Pascal Monett]

Re: Poster?

I second that request.

As soon as my daughter saw it, she asked me to print it so she could put it up in her room at the boarding school.

She is gleefully expecting the explanation sessions about where the poster came from and how Twilight is so bad it only made the 3rd spot in the Worst Films Ever Made list.

Dear Lord, what have I done ? I have unleashed a monster on the face of this poor Earth !

[Matt Newman 1]

Highlander II was so bad, when Highlander III came out they even ignored the fact that there was a II, now that is how to tell you made a CRAP movie. Hell it didn't even fit the story line which excluding 2 was pervasive in all (8 of them I think, including an anime version) the movies in the series.

[Matt Newman 1]

Highlander II was an epic Failure of a film! Glad to see it on the list

Highlander II was so bad, when Highlander III came out they even ignored the fact that there was a II, now that is how to tell you made a CRAP movie. Hell it didn't even fit the story line which excluding 2 was pervasive in all (8 of them I think, including an anime version) the movies in the series.

[Tom 13]

Re: Highlander II was an epic Failure of a film! Glad to see it on the list

You know, you'd of thought the producers would have gotten the point. I mean, how many times did the actors tell them:

"There can be only one!"

[The Indomitable Gall]

Re: Highlander II was an epic Failure of a film! Glad to see it on the list

"There can be only one!"?

Someone should have told Matt Newman 1 that before he double-posted!

[Munchausen's proxy]

Your entry needs only one more thing

You seem to have left Baz Luhrmann off the credits.

Or Golan-Globus.

[Colin Critch]

It must be "Return of the Barbarian Women"

[Tom 13]

@Colin Critch

"We now return you to your regularly scheduled film. There will be NO further interruptions of Amazon Women on The Moon."

[David Webb]

*clap clap*

Joyful commiseration to the Winner, I eagerly await your response to the postmans question "what the heck is in here?" where you have to explain your delivery of such classics as Twilight, Twilight or indeed, Twilight... Did I mention Twilight?

[GitMeMyShootinIrons]

Re: *clap clap*

I may put on a mask and make random DVD donations thorough letterboxes.

Probably even more offensive than stuffing through a burning bag of dog faeces.

[Zot]

The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It

No wait, THAT actually DOES exists!

Look: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1498870

: )

[Dozer]

Re: The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It

NOOOOOO

It DOES actually exist........how?!?

[Anonymous Coward]

And the director is...

I like how you have chosen a cast that most people would want to avoid, and kept true to the original, the Director we already do!

[Anonymous Coward]

it already happened....

it already happened...

http://vimeo.com/7624392

. .

Wierd Al Yankovic - The Saga Begins

also check out "Yoda" by the same guy.

Anonymous because... well obvious really.

[johnwerneken]

But I liked AVATAR

Unobtanium was a kewl idea as was mind melding into an avatar. The world mind is an old idea and I don't thing getting from here to unobtanium gets us any where near creating THAT...and I could do without the resource-extraction=bad, nude natives=good baloney. Yet it's a tear jerker in the traditional style and the mine melding with the buzzards or whatever that they ride on, that was kewl too.

I agree I didn't like Titanic except for the engine room scenes. Don't accept the premise I guess.

[garbo]

But surely...

Manos - The Hands of Fate ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/ ) should be on the list. Appallingly awful, without any of the redeeming qualities of Cat Women of the Moon (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045609/ ), my other favorite for inducing nausea. Where else can we enjoy Victor Jory as the love interest?! Yikes!

[Local Group]

Can I nominate a child's cartoon.

I don't go to terrible movies because of all the sex and violence. Chick flicks all end the same way. That leaves cartoons which I find very satisfying.

But I made a big mistake when I rented "The Sponge Bob That Didn't Bark."

Save your money.

[mtp]

Backing singers

Don't forget the backing singers.

Steven Segal as Qui-Gon Jinn (starring in the tap dance scene)

Danny Devito as Yoda

Sylvester Stallone as Senator Palpatine.

[phr0g]

worst films

Where's Austin Powers? A comedy with 2 laughs.

Where's the classic "Plan 9 from Outer space"?

Oh, and I loved Avatar although make no pretence that it was anything other than 3 hours of eye candy.

[Keith Smith 1]

Umm. . . Ishtar missed the list ?

Ishtar. Campy movies have some redeeming ridicule value. Ishtar I actually walked out of. That two big name actors would actually star in such drivel. . .

Maybe I'm too old.

[Magnus_Pym]

Any good Eddie Murphy films...

... come about completely by accident in my opinion.

[viciouz]

What about...

The gripping computer forensics thriller, Kill -9 from User Space?