back to article Vote now for the worst movie NEVER made

The moment has arrived for you, our beloved cinemagoing readers, to vote for the worst movie never made. To recap, we invited submissions for an imaginary nightmare celluloid creation more hideous than this cinematic list of shame - the 10 worst films ever made, according to El Reg readers: Battlefield Earth The Phantom …

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  1. Thomas 4

    Before reading these movie pitches....

    I merely used to *think* the El Reg forum crew were a deranged and perverse bunch of screw ups.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Before reading these movie pitches....

      YOURE RIGHT THOMAS HELL MOST OF THESE MOVIES WERENT EVER EVEN MADE WHO ARE THESE IDIOTS

      1. Dan 10

        2/10 - must try harder

        see me

        1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

          Re: 2/10 - must try harder

          Yes, and then report to the Moderatrix for "comprehension failure" treatment.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Teletubbies

    I too would pay good money to see this one. I found TheOtherHobbes's proposal plus the description provided by NomNomNom seriously disturbing. It reminded me of the first time I saw Ring, late at night on Channel 4 (I think).

    1. NomNomNom

      Re: Teletubbies

      A camper gets lost in the countryside in a storm on a damp rainy day. Suddenly the weather clears with remarkable speed to reveal and a bright sunny landscape of perfect green hills and blue skies. A little dome shaped bunker sits some distance away.

      In curious mind he heads down towards the bunker. A door is open, revealing a large interior living space. A little robotic hoover with comical eyes is cleaning immaculate surfaces. He looks back behind him at the picturesque rolling hills and nary a cloud in the sky. Something is wrong.

      "Hello?", he shouts, into the structure. The little hover stops with a whirring noise and looks up at him, but then continues it's cleaning. There is no other reply. He heads in cautiously, keeping his distance from the disturbingly life-like hoover.

      10 minutes later he finds the first nest. It's in a small nook in the back wall. There is an overpowering stench of decay. The floor seems to be covered in toast (?!). There is a lot of jam on the toast, and even more jam on the floor. And broken bones. Looking closer he realizes it's not jam at all, but a sticky gut-based detritus. He freezes in terror as the stench of decay suddenly swells up behind him accompanied by the unmistakable shuffling of large feet. A deep animal-like grunt cries out in surprise: "EH OHH?". He spins round in horror to as the large bulky mass falls upon him. The little hoover cleans up the mess.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        Re: Teletubbies

        You're sick. Toyah won't be pleased :)

      2. Desidero
        Terminator

        Re: Teletubbies

        Insert: dome is populated by Doby McGill and the Little People, who sing munchkin-like songs while welcoming him.

        It turns out the mini-hoover is just a micro-cosm of a macro-hoover he's been living in all his life. He's reunited with his true parents, who've been dodging The Suck and hairballs all through their tortured existence. Fighting with Arnold Schwarzenegger perseverance, he and his cohort Ilsa (a latter-day Heidi) fight their way through the bag to eventually turn off the power switch, freeing the little people, only to watch them wiped out one by one Hunger Games-style by the cat, who's been listening to the freak midgets singing for well on a year with no recourse. Movie credits roll as satiated kitty lies on back with bulging belly and purrs. Until suddenly a hand punches through stomach Carrie-/Alien-like and waves, while an ad flickers across the scene forebodingly, "Part II: Coming to a Theater Near You"

  3. Tom 7 Silver badge

    I've just developed a tick....

    and my brain has to think non stop of another WFNM Munches The Scream staring Bruce Willis.

    My therapist just resigned.

  4. Dick Emery
    Facepalm

    The Matrix 4

    Neo played now by Dwayne 'The Dibbly' Johanson fights the evil tyrant Microshaft in an epic battle for dominance of the portable computing market. His sidekick is the super hakker cum megalomaniac Morpheus (played by Kim Dotcomic who likes to drive around in really fast flying cars and smash up the corrupt machines (AKA MACHIAA or Money Appreciative Computer Hostile Internets Assault Arsenal). Lots of shit blows up and stuff but in the end it is futile as they all end up in a kangaroo court with the judge being the reanimated corpse of Stevee Bigjobs.

    In a fantastic anti-climax everyone gets sued into non-existence.

  5. Aaron Em

    So...

    "The ultimate winner will get DVDs of the aforementioned top 10 worst films. The runner-up will get the top five titles, while third place will get a copy of Battlefield Earth..."

    We're supposed to try to lose, then?

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: So...

      Correct. The thought of sitting through all 10 of the worst films is indeed quite terrifying.

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: So...

        You do not have to sit through them. Using the DVDs as frisbees can bring hours of healthy entertainment. Experiments microwave ovens are encouraged.

        1. PikeyDawg
          Pint

          Re: So...

          I own copies of most of those already

          : /

          That said, I stand by my overly verbose treatment for Pearl Harbor 2 directed by Uwe Boll... I think it could be the next MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus.

          Happy Friday all - cheers!

          1. ArmanX
            Thumb Up

            Re: So...

            I would vote for that.

            Uwe Boll is my favorite horrible director... he's so bad, he doesn't realize he's part of a scam. And it's his scam!

    2. Naughtyhorse

      Re: So...

      i was wondering why the prizes are all arse-backwards

    3. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: So...

      Come on, El Reg. The least you can do is offer to *make* the winning entry. I'm sure Lester & Lewis would be game for it... Could you get Ms Bee back, as well?

  6. Ugotta B. Kiddingme Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Novafix FTW

    monitors, keyboard, shirt, desk, cleaning supplies, replacement coffee mug. Where, good sir and/or madam should I send the bill. That was the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!

    Twelve minutes of a falling rocket motor, what's not to love in the original. I have a copy of it just for the soundtrack. Besides, there are about 4 frames of large, albeit fake, breasts in the last 20 minutes of the film. When you're ten, seeing bare breasts on TV means everything.

    1. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!

      I don't recall the naked breasts but I do remember the first time I saw Koyaanisqatsi - showing on a TV monitor in HMV on Oxford Street . I was transfixed for the whole film, surprised they didn't simply throw me out after an hour. I'd actually rate it as one of the best films of all time. The sequence including the Vegas Gals and the fighter pilot is depressingly-superb IMO .

      I think it was Winged Migration (2001) that has some of the scenes proposed in Koyaanisqatsi 2 towards its end. It'll be great stuff if the right soundtrack is chosen. Leonard Cohen springs to mind; bring it on!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Re: Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!

        So should it start off with a masochistic version of "Repent" or is that how it should end?

  8. hitmouse

    Of films never made, Highlander II trumps them all, followed by Star Wars I-III

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      You probably want to revisit the NEVER bit of the headline on this poll.

      1. mad_dr

        Perhaps that was an admirable yet futile attempt to wish Highlander II out of existence...

        1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

          Highlander II airbrushed from history

          Fair enough - it's a very civilised idea.

          1. Thorne

            Re: Highlander II airbrushed from history

            Battlefield Earth was worse.

            If I took a dump on a piece of paper and gave it to an oracle to read, it would still be a better script than Battlefield Earth.

      2. Richard 120

        possibly

        I'm not sure whether they were "made", perhaps a better term is "vomitted"

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: possibly

          I would argue that never made is a fair description of Highlander 2. It came so close to being made but died in filming and some people took its corpse and stitched the pieces together then gave them a hideous semblance of life with some footage of aliens. This undead abomination was then set loose under the same title.

    2. justcw
      Holmes

      Highlander II, nah

      Highlander II was just depressingly awful. Highlander Final ... whatever, was sheer torture.

  9. R Cox

    The Aluminators

    This just seems to the making of a bad movie. It has the elements of a movie that was clearly intended to be serious, with well known and paid actors, but in the end is just horrible. But not in a good way like Hudson Hawk or Barbarella. In a bad way like almost any post 90's movie where Travolta has a leading role.

    1. viciouz
      Mushroom

      Re: The Aluminators

      As soon as I read "set to the harmonious melodies of Tommyknocker", I knew which film to vote for. For the uninformed, here is a sample of Tommyknocker's more famous output: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXoQEa-4KLM

  10. Richard 120

    I've never been there

    I noticed a trend for setting these things in Dagenham, is it really that bad?

    I thought maybe Slough, or Watford Gap service station might be settings that could also fit.

  11. MJI Silver badge

    Telletubbies

    Teletubbies vs The Predator - I would see this!

    Tinky Winky jumps on it, La La says eh-oh.

    The Noo Noo sucks it up and they turn it into Tubbie Tustard.

    I still remember this 10 years after it was on TV, then they moved onto Tweenies, and Bob the Builder.

    Worrying is that 1 now watches Deadenders and the other 2 rather naff cartoons on CITV.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Would like to see...

    I would like to see "Human Centipede: Infinity Sydrome". Sounds right up my alley....now where did i put my tools.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Would like to see...

      Maybe you would like to check out the South Park episode it was somewhat loosely based on?

      http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s15e01-humancentipad

      1. Andrew Moore

        Re: Would like to see...

        "You mean it does email, internet and shits in Kyles mouth? This is the best thing ever!"

  13. MJI Silver badge

    I have never seen Titanic

    But have seen Battlefield Earth

    Got The Phantom Menace & The Matrix Reloaded

    No interest in Twilight

    Looked pants The Blair Witch Project, Snakes on a Plane

    Never heard of Megashark vs Giant Octopus

    I have seen a Highlander film was a bit crap but cannot remember hich one it was

    Avatar I would not mind seeing this just for the effects.

  14. Ironclad
    Thumb Up

    Only one vote ?

    I so want to vote for 3-4 of those.

    Then pledge money so that they are never made.

    The money would pay for a superhacker modeled after the 'girl with the dragon tattoo' who monitors potential suspects e-mail and assassinates them at the first mention of any of those titles.

  15. Haku

    I almost voted for Koyaanisqatsi 2

    Because I once bought the Koyaanisqatsi & Powaqqatsi DVD but instead of being interesting I found them incredibly irritating to watch, long scenes of not much happening along with 'music' from Philip Glass. The 'music' irritated me the most as it was contrived crap which practically repeated the same boring sequence of notes for the entire length of the films with little variation.

    I bought them because I had prevously bought Baraka on DVD and found it to be a very good 'film', amazing footage with a soundtrack to perfectly match it (even with the haunting imagery of the aftermath of how bad humans can behave towards each other; concentration camps, mass graves etc.)

    But my vote went to "Phantom Menace - The Musical" because after watching the original menace film in the cinema and discovering how badly Lucas had tarnished his Star Wars world, if I had to watch a musical of it I would probably end up perforating my ear drums with any sharp (or blunt) instrument to hand after the first note is sang. The gauging out of eyes would also be an acceptable action to perform.

    1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Re: I almost voted for Koyaanisqatsi 2

      Since suggesting Phantom Menace - the musical, I did realise that, by accident, it could be worse still.

      The sequel would be Attack of the Clones - the Musical. This would have to include a romantic scene between Bieber and Striesand.

      I feel quite sick. What have I done...?

  16. Anonymous John

    Titanic II

    The ship is salvaged and refitted at Pearl Harbour ready for its second maiden voyage.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      Re: Titanic II

      Only after being transported accidentally back to 1941 as a result of a freak thunderstorm in Philidelphia.

  17. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Casting error

    For me it's got to be Diana in 3D but it looks like someone made an error in the casting: Gary Oldman would be struggle in the role of the Duke of Edinburgh. Surely the role made in heaven for Tommy Weisau?

    1. Euripides Pants Silver badge

      Re: Casting error

      And Arnie should not be cast as Prince Charles. Craig Ferguson would be much better.

    2. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Casting error

      Diana - you're tearing me apart!

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Casting error

        Exactly, except I think we'd better stop now. But I can't: Paris Hilton to play Lady Di?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I would like to see Aliens vs Cowboys on this list. In that movie, the aliens come to earth and act and fight like farm animals with rabies.... No ray guns or advanced weapons. Just a thought.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Asuka Langley Soryu

    Not Soraya :-)

    Was quite a fan of that series until the multi-repeats and "quests for more money" started.

    As to the movies in general; since these are most likely all b or c rated movies its obvious which one is the best: the one which has boobies in it, that has always been the golden rule with movies like that. Otherwise absolutely no one would be watching it ;-)

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Asuka Langley Soryu

      I would pay again if Miss Greendragon (it's Soryu, right?) were put on a powerful mix of prozac and speed then time-reversally copied and found herself fighting for Hitler, piloting a preternaturally enhanced red-painted He-162 Volksjäger and delaying the collapse of the 3rd Reich long enough for a secret cabal of SS Ahnenerbe connected to rabid U.S. Christian Evangelicals secretly in league with Roosevelt to join up with Japanese researchers in a camp run by Ralph Fiennes so that Kaballistic Abrahamic Power can be channelled into opening a Transdimensional Gate. 3rd impact can come early and Shinji Ikari doesn't get to decide to branch off the final transmigration/unification of humanity due to sheer lack of self-assurance. Problems of morality [obviously obviated later due to the eschatological effectiveness of 3rd impact] can be discussed as Asuka has long discussions with the Führer's secretary while he is busy ranting with his generals.

      THE END!

    2. Chika

      Re: Asuka Langley Soryu

      Oh do come on! Renaming/spelling "changes" are a part of the whole bad movie thing.

      The sad thing is that quite a few of these titles are quite likely to make it into reality. *sigh*

  20. Kev99

    Worst Movie Ever - Too Many to choose

    It's a toss up between anything with Leonardo DiCrapio and anything with John Voight.

  21. Desidero
    Terminator

    Bruce Willis Mashup

    Bruce Willis is simultaneously transported into the past and future, to analyze himself as a little kid who's had horrible dreams ever since pretending to fall down a well or witnessing a horrible crime (results confidential per NHS medical records requirements, sorry). Finding a futuristic Amish girl played by Andy McDowell who's the only one to have a baggy woolen zipperless spacesuit instead of the Rihanna skin tight fetish outfits more common to the time, he convinces her to break out of her cloistered past by singing out-of-tune early 60's R&B. When terrorists occupy the clinic, Willis is left with no choice but to befriend a black person via electronic communication while he & McDowell hide in a closet, and the plot is set. The audience is given test-o-meters to vote on when he will yell "Yippie-ki-yay" (yes, they can vote via Facebook too), while painstakingly, the resourceful McDowell finds a pitchfork, melds it into a samurai sword, and teaches Willis to fight off the terrorists' laser ray guns and tommy guns, making parrot noises the whole time. Frustrated with the slow Amish way, he finds a half-open can of C-4 plastic explosive and proceeds to blow the building to all fuck. As building burns and sirens wail, he turns to camera and says, "Zed really is dead this time", and credits roll.

  22. pcsupport

    What about the film where the hero is the typical 'this looks normal doesnt it" long haired IT 'geek' who finally, in a brave and far reaching move, switches off his computers (*shock*), leaves his bedroom / server room (*horror*) and goes forth in an attempt to hold a non-computer 30 second plus conversation with anyone.

    Certificate 18

  23. TheOtherHobbes

    Actually

    ...some of these sound quite good.

    I'm surprised 'The Human Centipede - News International Edition" didn't make the cut.

    (Directed by Brian Leveson, obviously.)

  24. Purlieu

    Wharever happened to

    Willy Wonka: Return to Oz

    Willy Wonka (Mel Gibson) is working in Rick's Cafe Americain when in walks Dorothy (Kirsten Stewart) who asks the pianist (Micke Myers) to play "Bohemian Rhapsody" resulting in ..... you get the idea ...

    Directed by Eddie Shah

  25. chebucto
    Pint

    The Aluminators

    A cast of Cruise and Carrey is enough to seal the deal; the plot was just icing on the cake. Best worst for sure.

    As for Koyaaniqatsi II, I'm all for it, with one edit: no voiceover (none in the original, IIRC), and have Fran do the song, without a trace of irony. It will leave the audience wondering what the artist's intent is: a refutation of the words of the song?, or final proof of beauty's ability to transcend ugliness? Seen in its true form, is our industrial society not fundamentally a thing of beauty; even, perhaps, a work of art?

  26. This post has been deleted by its author

  27. kain preacher

    How about ?

    How about a a movie were William Shatner is teaching his son Keanu Reeves hows to be a Karate master. He has to fight the evil Karate master Dolph Lundgren and his son Dustin Diamon.

    Jean-Claude will be Shatters brother and Kenu's uncle. Steven Seagal will be Dolph's evil army buddy.

    Directed by Micheal bay and Spike Lee. Written by the writers of SNL. Crappy enough yet?

    1. Thorne

      Re: How about ?

      How about a a movie were William Shatner is teaching his son Keanu Reeves hows to be a Karate master. He has to fight the evil Karate master Dolph Lundgren and his son Dustin Diamon.

      Jean-Claude will be Shatters brother and Kenu's uncle. Steven Seagal will be Dolph's evil army buddy.

      Directed by Micheal bay and Spike Lee. Written by the writers of SNL. Crappy enough yet?

      Nope. You forgot music by Justin Bieber

  28. Blofeld's Cat Silver badge
    Happy

    Well...

    I did start sketching an outline for a screenplay where the hero was some sort of exiled Englishman living in Spain.

    The unlikely plot revolved round this chap building paper aircraft in his garden shed, in a bid to get one into space. The trouble was that although I tried to add interest to the plot by making the central character keep donkeys, it didn't really work.

    It just all seemed a little too far fetched really.

  29. Big-nosed Pengie
    FAIL

    Star Wars

    Where's the "Star Wars" option?

  30. Bert Chadick

    Worst I've ever seen

    Haven't any of you folks tried to watch "Green Lantern"? Perhaps it came out after the cut.

  31. Bert Chadick

    "Wrinkles of Death"

    A demented Australian billionaire uses his super powers (loads of cash) to take over a small island nation near Europe. He corrupts law enforcement and spies on the families of people in the news. When the government finally succumbs to his wrinkly tentacles the island nation is destroyed. The Monster is last seen wading out to sea headed West.

  32. MJI Silver badge

    A lot people are suggesting elsewhere

    There are plans to make a film based on the Uncharted games.

    With a different cast.

    These games are pretty film like so it is a silly idea.

    Fans of the game are horrified by the idea.

    That said there are 3 films on Youtube made out of cut scenes and gameplay

  33. Jolyon Ralph
    Thumb Up

    Wait a moment.

    Shouldn't the winner get 10 DVDs of the worst movies ever made, the second place get 20 and so on...

    (checks current pole positions)

    No, wait, leave it as it is!

    1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Re: Wait a moment.

      No! No! That sounds like a great idea!

      10 DVDs is bad enough. Scarily, I have one or two already...

  34. Get the puck outa here

    Late to the party

    Oh The Places You'll Go!

    Mike Meyers and Jim Carrey take turns sodomizing Ted Geisel's corpse (played by Demi Moore in yet another of her cinematic rape fantasies).

    Paris Hilton's directorial debut.

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