back to article BOFH: The Cloud Committee Calamity

"Slipped in front of a bus. Fell FROM a bus. Fell in front a Circle line train. Jumped or fell off the Hungerford Bridge. Fell in front of a black cab. Jumped in front of a minicab; stepped into an open manhole; fell down some stairs; and crossed against the lights at Oxford Circus and was hit by a cab," the Personnel bloke …


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  1. Isendel Steel

    Thank you

    Normal service is resumed...

    1. Anomalous Cowturd

      surprised looking Alsatian?


      Excellent one Simon.

      More please!

  2. Denarius
    Thumb Up

    BOFH and cloudiness ahhhhh

    Nice to know there are some views we have in common.

    So good to see you again Simon.

  3. Jemma

    Surprised looking Alsatian...

    I didnt know the BOFH knew my ex...

  4. Robert Heffernan
    Thumb Up

    Welcome Back Simon!

    Great start to the new year. Hope they keep coming nice and regular!

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Getting old

    Sorry to say despite being humourous at times BOFH is getting to be a tired worn out format, severely pushing the bounds of plausibility, even in the world of TV dramas, committing that many murders with the same MO would make you serial killer most wanted #1

    Seems to be the easy backstop to fall back on, instead of creative blackmail etc

    Just do the right thng and take the strip out and shoot it

    1. Goldmember
      Thumb Down

      Plausibility? Way to miss the point entirely.

      That is all.

      1. Anonymous Coward

        Miss the "even in the world of TV dramas" part?

        Even in poorly written TV dramas both the protagonists would have been arrested by this stage, perhaps gunned down in a bloody shoot out in the yank version.

        As a plot device it occassionally works, but it crops up too often and is getting repetitive. It seems like Simon is getting bored and just going through the motions with the strip (look at the difference in update rates)

        I used to like BOFH, but the humour just hasn't been there recently.

    2. James Condron

      Wait... What?

      I'm not sure I would go as far as calling the world of TV dramas plausible.

    3. Chika

      Nah. It doesn't need killing. One thing that I learned very early on in IT is that the rules are always changing. Given this, BOFH is hardly likely to run out of ideas!

      One thing that does come to mind is BOFH running a server farm for one of these clouds. Now THERE'S an interesting thought! ;)

      1. laird cummings

        @ Chika

        "One thing that does come to mind is BOFH running a server farm for one of these clouds. Now THERE'S an interesting thought! "

        Here, let me fix that for you:

        "... Now THERE'S a terrifying thought!"

    4. Bruno Girin

      @Mike JVX

      Who said it had to be even remotely plausible anyway? It's meant to provide a good Friday chuckle and it definitely succeeds at doing that. Or did you leave your sense of humour at the door this morning?

      I don't care if it's old and implausible, it made me laugh and that's all I needed from it. Thank you Simon!

      Beer because that's what I'll be doing later on.

      1. perlcat

        @ "That guy"

        There's always "that guy" out there on the internet, and he thinks that *he* is the ultimate critic of all things, and that a writer doing their best to come up with fresh content just isn't up to snuff.

        Just so you know, Mr. "Sole Arbiter of Taste on the Internet": We're not at all interested in your negativity. Simon does a a hell of a job coming up with fresh content that is still recognizable as BOFH material. If you don't like it, don't read it, and quit your bitching. If you're so damned smart, come up with your own and post it online, just so you can endure the pleasures of asshats bellyaching about a free read.

        1. Marshalltown

          Easy now

          It's just that beancounters, personnel persons and lawyers never like to hear what we really think of them.

    5. Why Not?

      Or living in Midsomer murders?

      Its not supposed to be real or believable, its supposed to be funny.

      Death rate up with an Arnie movie or Resident evil.

      Plots familiar and crafted.

      Clever linguistic devices.

      what is not to like?

      Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams? 'The Thick of it?' The new statesman? Blackadder? It is satire.

      Simon thank you, glad to know you read the boards and my humble request was answered.

    6. Martin

      I'm going to give you the same advice... I gave to the person who was approximately as rude as you were about Verity Stob.

      At the top of each article, you'll see a few words. These are called a title. They are there to give you some idea what the article is about. The BOFH articles always have the word "BOFH" at the start of the title.

      If you don't like the BOFH, refrain from clicking on these articles.

  6. friedegg03

    Oninon Bhaji Laced with dog turd...

    I thought that was standard anyway? Or is that just my local?

  7. TrixyB
    Thumb Up

    Was beginning to wonder where Simon aka BOFH had gone....

    Glad to see we all can't stand the co-lo cloud either.

    Good stuff! Can we have another episode before the summer?.....

  8. Sid_the_Kid
    Big Brother

    Welcome back!

    Great way to make a potentially dull Friday liven up a little. to deal with the chap who's complaining about the slow internet access...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      You stick him on your p0rn proxy, spoof his MAC address to be the one you have been using for downloading. He now has access to the super high speed proxy, which he will get the benefit of for the next 2 days by which point HR will have removed him from the building. One removed, the rest warned for asking for faster internet.

      1. perlcat

        Better still.

        Block their access to the entertainment/media sites like YouTube and internet radio.

        Then give them the speed they asked for.

        Then watch them try to weasel around, in order to justify access to these sites, which were what they wanted in the first place.

        8 Mb total free space? No, you have 4 Mb free. Ha!

        1. Dr. Mouse

          "8 Mb total free space? No, you have 4 Mb free. Ha!"

          Don't you mean:

          "What do you mean you are running out of space?... *tap tap tap* You have NOTHING in your home directory! Not even in the *tap tap tap* backups."

  9. The Vociferous Time Waster
    Thumb Up


    Ah yes, it's Friday. Splendid.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Eight people hmm? I wonder who they will turn out to have been...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      8 blackmailers, 8 corpses,

      Actually, if Simon gets really creative with this, it could get interesting.

      There are 8 people who potentially have blackmail material against the BOFH. How can he insure they won't turn on him? Failing that, how can he knock off all 8, quickly enough that none of his marks get word before the hammer falls? Can he perhaps turn one against another? Will the next episode start with "I want to play a game...."?

      1. perlcat


        That the BOFH will undertake Operation "Parable of the Monkeys".

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Outlook cloudy

    Brightening later!

  12. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Astute IT is a Fab Great Game, Simon, as you are aware?

    Now if one was a paranoid schizophrenic and working in Cloudy CHAOS fields, would that be a quite sublime virtual intimidation worthy of the spookiest of teams fighting a losing battle.

    Thank goodness everyone's too crazy for that here.:-)

    Hibernation over, Simon? Smashing.

  13. Cheeky Chappie

    Just a cotton pickin' minute!

    They're called German Shepherds not alsations!

    Oh God i'm glad I've retired

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  14. Danny 5
    Thumb Up


    i checked to see if i missed an episode or two, but this is actually the first of the year. Well worth the wait though! had me in stitches.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is he mad?

    Have to be barking to think you'd get the BoFH and PFY with that :)

  16. b166er

    farm-a-sutra Perfect, cheers!

  17. John I'm only dancing


    Don't these people bemoaning the lack of creativity realise that the PFY has just stepped out the shower and what passed in the last few years was all a dream?

  18. Anonymous Cowherder
    Thumb Up

    I hate "the cloud"

    Thin clients proved popular didn't they? No? Lets rebrand it as "the cloud" and push the same nonsense but with a different veneer on it.

    Don't get me wrong, I use my share of cloudy services but the majority of enterprises would suffer if they went "full cloud".

    Same as virtualisation, again, I use more than my fair share of this wonderful technology but the bean counters have come up with a "75% of servers to be virtualised by xxxx" without any understanding of what this actually means or the possible impacts.

    Keep "helping" these numpties BOFH & PFY, I need to live vicariously through you.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Ah yes, I love the bean counters and their plucked from the air figures.

      I've lost count of the number who have been sent packing with a flea in their ear when I ask how exactly we virtualise the rather large custom interface cards all the physical boxes contain. I believe one is still asking suppliers to quote for a chassis with 36 PCI slots.

    2. Annihilator

      See the opportunity

      Beancounters will be blinded and confused by the terminology! As an example, think how many invoices for "virtual power supply" and "virtual LCD monitor" for each virtualised server you can redirect to the IT slush fund!

      Hell, you can even then later invoice for the WEEE compliant disposal of those virtual LCD monitors. Virtual toxins used in the manufacture can be dangerous to Second Life/WoW players and leave the company open to expensive lawsuits...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I like to call it fog computing.

      After all, it is all vapour.

  19. Annihilator

    "surprised looking Alsatian"

    Not least for that line alone, glad to see them back :-)

  20. TractorBoy
    Thumb Up

    happy new year

    Nice one Simon, a grand Friday chuckle. Farm-a-sutra, inspired ... oh hold on, no I don't mean like "that", I mean it made me laugh, no need to contact the RSPCA, move along, nothing to see here. phew, that was close.

  21. earl grey

    Got a laugh out loud

    And a big "thank you"!


    Beer - it's what's for dinner.

  22. Reality Dysfunction

    Its getting a bit old........

    We need more IT crime and less killing, we all know in most cases they would just have fitted them up as terrorists or anti US hackers and watched them being rendited anyway.

    There is too much death now for a UK based story

    1. Jeff Cook

      @Reality Dysfuntion

      You should have seen his earlier stories from when he was in college/recently graduated.

      It starts off slowly and builds to offing service techs and pushing grad students to suicide or at least arranging circumstances that lead to death.

    2. Ronny Cook
      IT Angle

      The corpse count over the last year or so has been getting a bit silly. It is funny in a way, but the IT angle seems to be getting increasingly ignored.

      Why is the BOFH busy killing off the committee when he could be looking for a way to eliminate the cloud proposal in a clever, IT related fashion?

      Why isn't he installing a hidden agent on all the test group's PCs to slow them down or grab random pieces of child porn? Why isn't he finding a way into the cloud backend to mysteriously modify the files created? Why didn't he hack the company proxy to redirect references to the cloud to a private store somewhere else? Or have the testers' PCs mysteriously leak key files to each other?

      Aside from which defenestration seems altogether too unreliable a method of eliminating one person. People DO survive falling out of windows.

  23. PatientOne

    It's always for the Greater Good...

    <echo>for the greater good</echo>

  24. Spotswood
    Thumb Up


    Thanks for the laugh Simon, as always

  25. Herby

    Cloud Computing??

    Isn't that where computing is run by people in clouds (waiting for the pearly gates and St. Peter)? If so, he has it all set up!

  26. FozzyBear


    It appears that the BOFH is outsourcing his operations now. True it does provide a bloody good alibi, but now there are 8 other people he'll need to deal with.

    1. Morphius

      8 other people?

      Nah, noone would think to check where the security guards were at this time. They have always been in the BOFH back pocket.

      Unless a faint whirring sound was heard shortly before the untimely demise, their last robots were getting much more advanced after all.

      <please all imagine the black helicopter icon>

  27. PJF

    Where the ya'll been?!

    In da pokie or sumptin?

    Nice to sea ya'll back! Now go down younder an get yaself a a brew or thee, ON ME!

    Nice to see Simon and PFY again. I thought they where abducted by aliens or something!!

  28. Hairy Airey

    Sadly an entirely believable story

    Recently a Police Officer was freed from prison when it was discovered that his colleagues had fabricated evidence after he'd taken his employer to Employment Tribunal. I've seen evidence fabricated against myself (I have the written judgement which says precisely that) and even witnessed an auditor verifiably lying under oath. Does anyone do anything? Of course not, because apparently I'm not independent.

    There is so much evil going on in this country newspapers don't need to hack phones, just watch an Employment Tribunal case (which are a prime target for being televised).

  29. (AMPC) Anonymous and mostly paranoid coward
    Thumb Up

    Welcome home Simon

    Glad to see you back,mate. The Reg wasn't the same without you.

  30. Iain

    Hungerford bridge?

    Surprising they weren't electrocuted or run over by a train!

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