back to article Busted Phobos-Grunt in harmless splashdown

Failed Russian-built space probe Phobos-Grunt is now lying under the Pacific Ocean west of South America, according to Russia’s Air and Space Defence Force. The mission never made it out of orbit after a rushed launch left it in a decaying near-Earth orbit, amid dark hints of sabotage. Now, the Associated Press reports that …


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  1. Anonymous Coward

    Phank Phuk...

    ...Phor that

    1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

      Let's celebrate... the Phat Phuc noodle bar.

  2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson


    that's all

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They peel them with their metal knives...

    Conspiracy theorists speculating about interference from 'dark forces' are tonight trying to confirm reports that fragments of a Cadbury's Smash packet have been found in the debris of the crash, fuelling rumours of who (or what) is behind it all.

    1. Sordid Details
      Black Helicopters

      But is it real debris...

      ...or, having now successfully distracted the world into *thinking* that the mission has failed, our metal friends have now started the 'failed' engines and are at this moment headed off on an inter-galactic joyride.

  4. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Russia also placed its last Mars probe - Mars 96 - in the Acific off the cast of Chile, do perhaps Fobos Grunt has gone to join its friend.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Wasn't there a rumor that it actually went down in the Andes, and some worry about the local indian family that found the RTG Pu pallets and is now using these to keep warm at night?

      1. DJ 2
        Big Brother

        There is a good chance that id did come down in the Andes, the Russian media spiel says that it came down in the pacific, which has been repeated across the globe, but from what I've heard it seems that it would have de-orbited too early to be where they reported. I'm waiting to see if there are any news reports when Chile and Argentina wake up.

      2. IglooDude

        I'm really hoping you mean pellets rather than pallets, for the sake of that Andean family...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And if you're wondering what happened...

    ... remember Molly.

  6. Kharkov
    Black Helicopters

    You want a conspiracy theory?

    Here it is, the Russians have only been PRETENDING to try to send probes to Mars.

    They've really been bombing the fish, found in different places in the Pacific.

    And they'll get them all too, one fish at a time...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Sureo


      Actually I believe that this is their way of disposing of toxic waste.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And in other news, from Russia Today, independent sources have confirmed that the Russian federation have finished purchasing a remote volcano island in remote bits of pacific ocean, containing a complex of caves and world war two bunkers.

    The official sources have denied any allegation that the island will host a world domination control centre.

    1. Phalamir

      World Domination?

      They can barely master their own domain - and considering how Pooty-poot seems to be stroking his ego 24/7, not even that

  8. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

    Still in orbit?

    "The mission never made it out of orbit" - are you sure about that? It's "orbiting" geosynchronously in the Pacific seabed mud?

    There are two ways out of orbit, up, and the other one...

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Well no.

      You are NOT following a geodesic through spacetime when you are carried along by the ocean bed.

  9. Winkypop Silver badge

    Oh noes!

    Isn't that the location where Godzilla sleeps?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have only two words to say here...

    Cthulhu fhtagn.

  11. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

    Sydney Morning Herald reported it had "11,000 tonnes" of "toxic fuel" on board. That could have been interesting.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Yikes! 11,000 tonnes....

      Wow, that's the size of a 100m luxury yacht....or a small thermo-nuclear device.

      Show's up the value of Aussie tabloid journo's.

    2. fridaynightsmoke

      Very interesting indeed....

      I thought the biggest rockets could only launch ~30 tonnes, let alone 11,000 .....

      1. Charles 9 Silver badge

        Kinda shows the point.

        That 11,000 tons was meant to take the 30 tons of actual payload up into space. Put it this way. Simple physics dictates that it takes a LOT of force to accelerate from a standstill (relative to Earth) to about 30,000km/h against the Earth's rotation (escape velocity).

        1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

          Re: Kinda shows the point

          Certainly, but SMH was talking about the probe, not the launcher.

          Sadly the offending article no longer offends.

          1. Richard Chirgwin (Written by Reg staff)

            Re: Re: Kinda shows the point

            The error was the Associated Press rather than the we-outsource-subbing SMH:

            (It was 11 tonnes according to other articles).

            Richard Chirgwin

  12. petur

    Yeah Right...


    Colonel Alexei Zolotukhin told the press agency the deserted southern Pacific, where the uncontrolled Phobos-Grunt splashdown took place, is also “where Russia guides its discarded space cargo ships serving the International Space Station”.

    I thought it was out of control? So why is he making it look like it came down in a spot where they want it to?

    1. Silverburn

      Old habits die hard [former] Soviet Russia.

      Well, former for a while at least. Until the ego-mentalist poot-poot gets back in again after rigging the election and restores the title.

      1. Gordon 10 Silver badge


        Reminds me of the classic Simpsons episode where it shows a UN debate and the Russian Ambassador stands up and shouts "The USSR will not stand for this"

        Then he presses a button and Russia's and all the Eastern Europeans countries signs flip over to display USSR again.

        Scarily possible with Putin in control.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge

          "...Russia's and all the Eastern Europeans countries signs flip over to display USSR again."

          Which, as a gag, says a hell of a lot more about US knowledge of Central / Eastern European geography and politics than it does about Russian power......

        2. Richard Jukes


          Is that also the same episode where covers are whipped off a local parade to show the parade is nothing but a load of tanks and missiles parading the streets? :p Classic imo!

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

  13. andy mcandy

    well, the sequel to cloverfield is due this year and we all know how that started, dont we

    dont we?


  14. This post has been deleted by its author

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