back to article US quakes before MENACING TURKEYS, snow globes

Americans have been advised to head for the bunkers as Department of Homeland Security quakes before the latest threat existential threat to the union: Thanksgiving. The department, founded in the wake of the September 11 attacks, tweeted a series of warnings to worried citizens yesterday, as the danger level escalated. The …


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  1. laird cummings

    When Turkey fryers are banned...

    The turkeys have won.

    Be a patriot - fry a turkey today!

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      First they came for the Turkey friers...

      I stayed silent.

      Then they came for...

  2. dotdavid

    "It also advised flyers to check their bags for guns and knives, although it accepted this "sounds silly". "

    And having to check for snowglobes and pies sounds sensible? Idiocy.

  3. mark fernandes

    Dammit Jim, I'm a cook not a fireman!

    Try the shatner advert on how not to deep fry. Y-o-u c-a-n n-o-t b-e-l-i-e-v-e t-h-e d-a-n-g-e-r...

    1. Olafthemighty

      I don't understand.

      W-h-y... d-i-d... t-h-e-y... r-e-c-o-r-d... t-h-a-t... a-t... h-a-l-f... s-p-e-e-d? Weird.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I've spotted their mistake!

    You're supposed to fry the turkey in vegetable oil not petrol!

    1. raving angry loony

      it was.

      That WAS vegetable oil. Petrol would have made a much more satisfying bang.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: it was


        Are you American?

    2. BlinkenLights

      No Mistake

      Have you never heard of the danger of chip pan fires? Vegetable oil may not be flammable at room temperature, but get it hot enough and it's just as dangerous. It can also be used as a biofuel in diesel engined vehicles.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Did that guy ...

    ... provide the voice samples for Professor Hawking's synthesizer?

  6. Steve Knox

    "Live turkeys are also permitted, though not, presumably deep-fried."

    That'd be a trick. I believe the two attributes are, at the current state of technology, mutually exclusive.

    Did you mean "Live turkeys are also permitted, though, presumably, deep-fried are not." perchance?

  7. Bakunin

    Why Deep Fry

    Question for our American cousins; Why do you deep fry turkey?

    I appreciate every culture has it's culinary oddities and us Brits can certainly come up with a few. Does it taste nicer or do you just enjoy the danger? Surely putting on a slow roast and popping to the pub is the way to go?

    Either way, happy Thanks Giving to you.

    1. Bucky 2

      Well that's just a silly question.

      You might just as well ask why a person would deep-fry a Twinkie.

    2. Tom Maddox Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Deep-frying the turkey is significantly faster and seals in the moisture. The only disadvantage I can think of is that you can't really make stuffing with a fried turkey.

      1. Asgard

        @"Deep-frying the turkey is significantly faster and seals in the moisture"

        Try tin foil around the Turkey then put it in a baking dish about 3-4 inches deep. That keeps in the moisture and cooks the Turkey better as well. :)

        You just need to go back and occasionally look at it to see if you need to spoon out some of the liquid as it cooks from time to time. Leaving about 2 inches of liquid is plenty to keep it very moist and you can add a little bit of water to start the process off (say half an inch when you start cooking).

        For added bonus points, just before its considered done, open up the top of the tin foil to brown off the outer surface of the Turkey, then it looks and tastes perfect. :)

        Its also a lot healthier than deep frying the Turkey.

      2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Deep-frying the turkey is significantly faster and seals in the moisture?

        Stuff the turkey with moist stuffing, including halved limes. Cover it with rashers of streaky bacon, some butter, then wrap it in foil. Put it in a very low oven just before going to bed on Christmas Eve. Wake up on "the day" to a wonderful aroma of succulent moist perfectly-roasted turkey.

        I wish I hadn't thought of that. It's hours until lunchtime...


        1. laird cummings

          Don't knock it

          Until you've tried it.

          There's a *reason* deep-frying is popular - We did it the hard (long) way over here until fairly recently. Deep-frying, provided you observe the proper process, produces an excellent bird every time, and in very short order. It's hard to mess up unless you're a complete bone-head. But with 300+ million of us, there are a few more bone-heads here than you'll find over in Blighty.

          Actually, I don't deep-fry any longer - I've discovered smoking. While it takes longer than deep-frying, and requiresd more skill, it allows an even better bird than frying permits. And it's STILL faster than the traditional oven approach.

    3. Mediocrates

      Why ask why?

      We have Deep Fry

      You have Stephen Fry

  8. The BigYin

    *Deep fried* Turkey?

    Is this story from Scotland or the USA?

    1. Tom Maddox Silver badge

      No, no, no. We only deep fry them, we don't stuff them with pizza, chocolate bars, haggis, or anything else first.

  9. John Macintyre


    Are they (the presumed target audience of such communications) so stupid that they need to be advised of these things at a homeland security level? Isn't this more something for the cooking channel than defcon? I can appreiciate that people would travel with some of these items, and that the cooking side is important, but I fail to see how it's a DoHS issue to raise anything other than the bits that affect security such as the latter comments.

    And americans tell us constantly we're a nation of blithering dumbo's who need to live in a nanny state and accept American superiority, go figure.

  10. kain preacher

    "You're supposed to fry the turkey in vegetable oil not petrol"

    Considering that the first diesel did run on Veggie oil , it would not make any difference . Except for the diesel fumes in your food. What the should show is what happens when you try and fry a frozen turkey.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @kain preacher

      Blimey, it was supposed to be a joke about the relative flash points (or do I mean auto-ignition).

      Where's that joke tag when you need it?

      Are _you_ American?

  11. kain preacher

    WIlliam Shatner version.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    First, they came for the turkey fryers.....

    I'm sure the DHS turkey-cooking diligence is just a screen for their ultimate goal, the registration and disarmement of the American gun owner!! Thankfully, watchful citizens like me know the trut!!!

  13. Anonymous Coward

    Foiled again!!!!

    Thus in one stroke has the DHS defeated my otherwise fiendishly brilliant plan of cornering the Thanksgiving leftovers market by distributing (via checked baggage) millions of snow globes, each containing a slice of deep-fried turkey pie!!

    You win this round, DHS, but we shall meet again!!!!

  14. arrbee

    meanwhile in the UK...

    ...the commonest injury at Christmas is broken toes due to dropping a frozen bird on them.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      and in France

      It's sliced-open hands due to knives slipping when opening oysters.

      Sooner or later the Elven Safety folks will ban Christmas.

  15. Stevie Silver badge


    Stupid as it seems, you have to tell people not to do this sort of thing or they go and do it.

    A dozen homes a year are lost to idiots starting up a turkey-powered rocket motor in their garage or apartment. I totally want to do a turkey this way (what red-blooded male wouldn't) but after reviewing my 70x100 ft garden concluded years ago that there simply wasn't enough blast radius allowance.

    I also think all those British people mocking the deep fryer have to answer for the deep fried Mars Bar before any nasturtiums are cast.

    Traditional British Chips - possibly the best ad-hoc meal ever invented in the history of the Universe - are, sadly, largely a thing of the past since the government subsidies were deep-sixed by Thatcher and her anti-chipshop agenda.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Snow Globes

    Snow Globes have long-since been "pro-hibited, Sir" on US flights. They do sell them at about four times the price in the gift shop airside. The increased price is presumably allowing for emptying, testing and refilling before sale. Yeah right.

    Perhaps next time I fly I'll take a turkey or two though (Borat style), seeing as they're allowed...?

  17. BristolBachelor Gold badge
    Thumb Up

    "It also advised flyers to check their bags for guns and knives, although it accepted this "sounds silly". But yes, it appears some people to forget to pack everything needed for an extended break with the family."

    I can't believe that I'm the only one who spotted the last sentence. Thanks Reg, I can just about face my morning meeting now, and survive it still smiling :)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    WTF ?

    Deep fried turkets

    are you people nuts

    What happened to ovens

  19. Mike Shepherd
    Thumb Down


    There's an option. You can have compulsory standards for dangerous equipment or you can shout "No Big Government", so certifying authorities like UL are reduced to pleading with consumers to watch their demonstrations.

  20. zen1

    My country...

    A nanny state/social engineering experiment failure.

    Every year I read about people who burn down their house, because they didn't take the time to read/understand the instructions, while frying a turkey (it's actually quite good when properly done).

    Other seasonal favorites are the folks who have preferred their toaster pastries a little extra crispy, so they jam the handle, and leave the damn thing unattended. And then have the gall to sue the manufacturer.

    Countless quite neighborhoods rudely interrupted by the sound of police tacticle teams, responding to holiday hostage situations. Or my personal favorites that involve the people who either get arrested for assaulting, intimidating, stampeding or committing other acts of domestic terrorism, on the Friday following our "Thanks Giving".

    Tomorrow, the newspapers and their websites will be all a buzz with headlines and full public dockets with reports of exloding turkeys and other feast related tragidies.

    It's called Natural Selection for a reason, America!

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