back to article BOFH: I'll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone

"Okay, so we'll just work our way through last year's review and then move onto this year's one," the Boss says, fingering a couple of chunky wads of paper. I hate review time. The only consolation I get from it is knowing that Bosses hate it as well. Everyone hates them - except for the drones from HR for whom this is …


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  1. nichomach


    Seriously...who's abducted an episode?

    1. JudeKay (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Erm...12?

      1. nichomach
        Thumb Up

        OK, yep

        But honestly when I went to the BOFH section before posting it wasn't listed; 11 was, but not 12. Browser cache ****-up, possibly. Anyway, thanks.

  2. Berny Stapleton
    Thumb Up


    Good to see he's on form.

  3. Isendel Steel

    There's been a terrible accident...

    with my coffee/keyboard

    Thanks Simon

  4. Andrew Moore

    When satire imitates truth.

    "We even did some statistics on the amount of use the statistics system got too. Zero per cent. No one looked at it - like we said they wouldn't."

    Yep- that's so bloody true. In my case, I was able to unplug and decommission all the hardware involved and it was over a year before anyone noticed.

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson


      Reports like that are a clear case of write only memory

      1. Guido Brunetti

        Write Only Memory

        or WOM. Around here that's called a NUL device.

        Not to be confused with WORM (Write Once Read Maybe) Memory.

    2. Allan George Dyer

      Don't believe you...

      someone noticed?!

      I cleaned up a website defacement... one of the vulnerabilities was write access to the content database which also stored the site statistics. No-one had *ever* viewed the statistics.

      Yes, the one with the maliciously-placed string terminator in the pocket.

  5. Herby

    I just got a fix...

    After having missed the fact that yesterday there wasn't a dose of the daily WTF.

    As usual, a very good story. One of these days BOFH & PFY will travel (again) and it will be a wonderful adventure.

  6. Pink Duck


    Can someone enlighten me?

    1. Packet

      Simon's giving away his NZ roots.

      Effective Full Time Student or Equivalent Full-Time Study - a definition used to measure student numbers at New Zealand educational institutions as per

    2. Thomas Whipp

      Re: EFTS?

      I'm assuming Equivalent Full Time Staff (i.e. 37.5h work per week)

    3. Ragarath

      Effective Full Time Student

      Google is a friend, first hit so I assume it is right and it also fits.

    4. gribbler

      Let me...

      3rd result.

    5. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. bugalugs


    should've paid cash for the PFY warning device.

    I would've...

    the one with the fifteen reverse gears in the pocket

  8. Uncle Slacky Silver badge


    WTF do so many people begin sentences with "So" without any good grammatical reason? I've noticed it mainly amongst scientists interviewed on the radio, but it seems to be spreading. It's become a bit of a pet peeve of mine.

    I can't tell if it's widespread in the general population (having left the UK 5 years ago now) but I wouldn't be surprised. Can anyone confirm?

    1. gribbler


      So, why does that bother you?

      1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

        Because it adds nothing to what the speaker is saying, and you end up anticipating it every time they start a new sentence - it's quite distracting.

        Interviewees on "Material World" on Radio 4 suffer from this affliction.almost without exception.

        1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          "Because it adds nothing to what the speaker is saying"

          I hadn't noticed the phenomenon, so I'll take your word for it, but this would appear to be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

          If you are in a conversation, it is useful to have some way of claiming the "speaking stick" without running the risk of something important being lost in the moments before others give way.

          Then, having got into the habit of starting your *first* sentence in this way, it is only a matter of time before you start using it all the time, even though that implies you are constantly interrupting yourself.

          Then you start using it in your written work.

          Then the angels finally lose your patience and club you to death with a style guide. (Well ... one can dream.)

    2. Peladon

      I don't have my Fowler with me, but...

      ... will 'Garner's Modern American Usage' do? Fowler (for those from Blighty) says the same thing in different words, but here's Garner on 'so':

      "so. A. Beginning Sentences with. Like And and But, So is a good word for beginning a

      sentence. Each of these three is the informal equivalent of the heavier and longer conjunctive

      adverb (Additionally, However, and Consequently or Therefore).

    3. Julian Bradfield

      It can be a discourse marker rather than a grammatical marker. Seems to originate in Irish English. See Seamus Heaney's introduction to his Beowulf translation, where he translates the opening "Hwæt!" as "So!".

  9. tomhvk
    Thumb Up

    So I always start my sentance with so. So what. So if you left the UK it wouldnt bother you. So thats my opinion.

  10. James Micallef Silver badge
    Thumb Up


    "had been under a lot of pressure lately"

    said pressure being localised in the small of his back?


  11. Rob Dobs


    So... OK I know its a joke but when exactly did the BOFH and PFY transition from those that doled out punishment on deserving meddling twats into just plain lazy murdering thieves?

    Don't get me wrong, still funny, but not as funny when there was a more Robin Hood/Justice aspect to their punishments, (funniest of course is when they do it to each other - like Bugs and Daffy)

  12. Uniquitous
    Thumb Up

    Aye, that's more like it!

    Er, well, that's all I had to say really.

  13. Fatman

    "Annual Reviews"

    I have always hated those fscking things. What a complete waste of time. But, cleverly used, they can be a tool to get rid of a fool. Like this one boss I had.

    We wanted to get rid of him so bad, we began to employ some `BOFH` like tactics. When we had encountered employees of one of our competitors in public, we implanted the idea that this boss was the best thing since sliced bread; and that he was the singular reason why our department showed such a dramatic change from the year before.{1} That caused them to report back to their HR department, his name, and we learned that there was some interest in trying to get him to `jump ship`. Oh, goody!

    So, when it came time for MY annual review, it was time to strike. This Boss (no, strike that, make it - asshole), who wrote up a scathing review and expected me to sign it. Hell would have to freeze over before I would sign that piece of shit. I picked it up, and quickly fed it into the shredder at the side of his desk. To say he was flabbergasted, was an understatement.

    You see, we kind of `leaked it` to the `C` levels that our competitor was interested in poaching him. And the `C` levels wanted to know if he was worth keeping (something we clearly knew that he wasn't). So we were asked to review HIM.

    My report of his incompetence was at least 10 pages long, citing very specific decisions he made and the deleterious effect they had on both the company, and employee morale. My colleagues also had turned in similar scathing reviews of his incompetence. In an extremely rare case of `C` level management COMPETENCE, they recognized that he was, indeed, an asshole. As a result of those subordinate reviews, he was promoted to a position with another company, hopefully, one of our competitors; so his `special skills` could be utilized to increase our profit margins, at their expense. Time will tell if that{2} was a brilliant move on our part.

    {1} Negatively, of course.

    {2} Foisting a fscked up boss on a competitor.

    The icon (spawn of Satan) is an accurate representation of that asshole.

  14. Andus McCoatover

    "Reports like that are a clear case of write only memory"

    Surely, reports like that are a clear case of WIPE only memory!

    Thanks Simon. Another bloody keyboard. Finnish customs are wondering why I'm importing so many from Russia, because we've run out of them here...

    1. mark 63 Silver badge

      cant move for 'em

      I currently looking at 500 keyboards in a skip - all in perfect working order, not too mention same amount of 19" CRT monitors

      Why couldnt we just upgrade the base units?

      its eco vandalism!

      1. Paul_Murphy

        Well do something then..

        Throw a tarpaulin over the lot,

        Get a letter from your line manager to authorise disposal with funds, if any, returned to your organisation,

        Either sell them on ebay (in lots of 1,5, 10 & 20) or, if nothing else, get them posted on freecycle.

        Yes -, where people will come along and put your rubbish to use.

        And that's not including local charity shops, re-employment workshops (you know the local council retraining schemes), schools, colleges etc.


        1. mark 63 Silver badge

          tried it

          i had a few monitors at my house from last project like this, and I recently decided to remove all the spare CRT tellys from my house.

          at the the end of the day, you cant give a CRT monitor or telly

          tried free ads the local paper and freecycle , took a while but they eventually went on freecycle, the telly anyway - the perfect working order IBM 20" monitor had to go tip . ( recycle centre)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I like my Performance Planner.

    There are a number of places where my hobbies intersect aspects of my work. So since my last PP I have to spend a portion of my work time researching into technologies I like to play with at home. Still have to do all the work-work bits, but it makes it worthwhile.

  16. Johan Bastiaansen


    Paying employees a bonus if they reach their targets, what a strange concept...

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