Telstra's branding plans leaked to El Reg

What do you do if you’re the most-attacked name in the least-liked industry? Pitch a new campaign. In an internal e-mail that went out to staff last week, The Register has learned that Telstra wants to position itself as “Australia’s best loved brand.” The e-mail from CEO David Thodey outlines a consumer charm offensive to be …

[Anonymous Coward]

Fuck Telstra

I remember before Optus came along. I called up Telstra and asked about a problem with the phone line. They couldn't care less.

Soon after Optus entered the long-distance market I called up Telstra about the local phone line. They had an engineer out the next day to upgrade the line.

[Andrew Dowd]

Good luck with that.

I hear Parking inspectors and the Tax office are watching results closely....

Actually, I do think 'brand' when see / hear 'Telstra,' immediately followed by thoughts of cattle and hot iron.

[Mark 65]

Indeed. To become the most loved brand would be like aspiring to climb Everest using dessert spoons and cheese graters instead of ice axes and crampons. A noble ample, but utterly pointless. Everyone hates you Telstra, get used to it.

[Big-nosed Pengie]

Amazing. You're Australia's most despised brand, so what do you do? Improve your service? Change your culture? Lower your prices? No - you simply call yourself "Australia's best-loved brand". Yeah. That'll fix it.

[bleh_meh]

well, Channel Nine used the line "Still The One" long after Seven kicked their asses!

[Il Midga di Macaroni]

Service is where it starts and ends

Spot on!

To become Australia's best loved brand, guarantee that the phone will be picked up within 30 seconds, that the IVR system will be two levels deep or less, and that the people in the call centre will be able to solve your problem.

[bikerboi87]

hmmmm

While I know almost nothing about Telestra, this seems like the usual corporate "dressing mutton up as lamb" bullshit

If these companies spent as much on improving their services as they did trying to convince people that their services are of x quality, then I imagine that their customers would be a *LOT* happier

[Robert Heffernan]

Whats the saying...

Reminds me of that saying about polishing a turd!

[Neoc]

Wrong saying...

Mythbusters proved it *was* possible to polish a turd (and to a high polish at that) using nothing but a little water and a lot of hand-grease.

[Pen-y-gors]

...but it's still a turd, albeit a glossy one!

[Anonymous Coward]

You can't polish it.

But you can roll it in glitter. ISTM that's what's going to happen to Telstra.

[Brett Weaver]

Lipstick on a Pig...

Telstra is a fairly ugly pig as well.

At least as a consultant I can sometimes influence the choice of telecommunications provider. I try to make them suffer for the misery they put me through...

[Denarius]

fair enough

sounds like some has-been pollies tricks. something like Briar.

Oh yes, of course, a campaign initiated by someone from one of the most hated institutions world wide. Doing publicity for one of the most price gouging hated industries world-wide.

Banks, yes they know how to be loved. Like telcos.

[Anonymous Coward]

False advertising?

If they include this "slogan" in their advertising, can they be prosecuted for false advertising?

After all, it's blatantly incorrect and/or misleading.

[Adrian Esdaile]

"Australia's best-loved brand"

Brand (n) - blistered burn mark, scorched into unwilling flesh, often denoting that the wearer's soul belongs to the diabolic hell-spawn that is Telstra.

That said, their mobile coverage is pretty good, and it's not expensive if you have more than two kids to gift to His Almighty Majestic Goat-Headed Beast With 10,00 Indian-accented Mouths.

[Pen-y-gors]

sellafield/winscale

'nuf said

[Anonymous Coward]

Fail: Register

This is them getting you to provide free advertising for a re-branding which is a pointless.

[Shagbag]

...so Australians will wake up on Monday 19 September and think...

..."Telsta is my favourite brand. We don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along."

[Anonymous Coward]

'Australia’s best loved brand'

Surely that would be Dame Edna?

[Equitas]

Yes, but .......

what is there in the article to tell the wider world that Telstra is Australia's equivalent of British Telecom?

Telstra may well be run by people totally removed from reality, but this article isn't much better, considering it's being circulated to a world-wide audience -- an exercise in non-communication, IMHO.

Paris, because even she has more sense.

[kokoro]

Is there any substance in this massive PR swamp? Nup, so it's business as usual at telstra then and the usual mutual lovein with the local incestuous ad industry.

Last year everyone hated us and we just figured it out so we decided to pretend to offer customer service and now let's thicken the narcissism and myopia by paying millions to tell the public they love us. We believe it, its easier that way. Simpler to love an empty cardboard box really.

Orwell cause its doubleplusgood