back to article BOFH: Beer, shinies, death by fire, rats IN THAT ORDER

Not much surprises me about middle management any more, least of all their inability to prioritise. I mean the core router could have crapped itself, the HR & Financials databases might be offline a day before pay day and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could be in the freight elevator pressing "2" yet some "compliance …


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  1. Dave Walker 1

    Love it

    Always beer first...

    Icon for obvious reasons

    1. Isendel Steel


      Parmo and chips or nothing..or just another beer

  2. Jess--

    3 monitors

    as a user of 3 screens myself I can say without doubt that they are all needed and yes it would be nice to go to 4 (although 6 sounds even more appealing)

    all I want to know is.... why is it always the middle screen that packs up first (followed 6 weeks later by its replacement)

    1. Vulch

      An interviewer to Terry Pratchett

      Journo: "Why do you have six monitors?"

      Sir pTerry: "Because I don't have room for eight."

      He might have filled at least one bank, but he obviously doesn't put it all in there and does have some very nice Shiney .

      1. Graham Marsden
        Thumb Up

        Re: An interviewer to Terry Pratchett

        And when he had all six of them running the Matrix screen saver that was *really* cool!

      2. Anonymous Coward


        I'll have to try to find this interview......since he's probably not going to keep going much longer.... which is a damn shame.

    2. John G Imrie

      You need 3 screens

      To play DOOM to its fullest :-)

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

        Re: You need 3 screens

        Play DOOM on 3 screens?

        Don't be so modest, we have a set-up with a 3D immersive virtual reality system (like a CAVE)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      heatsoak wilderbeast monster custard elephant

      Because its the only one with its side cooling vents blocked by monitors either side?

    4. Z 1


      I only have two. I have a huge case of monitor-envy

    5. Peter Kay

      I have four..

      To be perfectly honest, two screens is the greatest productivity gain. Three screens are not as necessary unless working on something requiring plenty of reference (i.e. screen for code, screen for reference, screen for program under test). Four doesn't add a lot extra - it's useful for displaying status or devoting to remote desktop/X/virtual machines.

      For general productivity more than two is overkill, imo. I do like having two CRT and two TFT though, and will miss the scaling ability and fast response of CRT when they finally die (perhaps not the desk space used though)

      Beyond four screens you'll have to get inventive about vertical orientation, as your eyes don't scan far enough horizontally.

      1. Jess--

        cant see a problem with going beyond 4 screens

        I am seriously thinking about going to 6 screens in a 3 wide / 2 high layout

        my current layout is 3 x 22" wide so doubling the height wouldn't increase the area I am looking at (in easy view without moving my head) by any great margin

  3. TeeCee Gold badge

    A sack of rats and pepper spray?

    Never mind the keyboard, maintaining bladder control was tricky on seeing that one.

    1. Tom 35

      They had to spray the beancounters with pepper spray...

      Or they would be to bland to interest the rats. Personalty I'd have added a big bucket of katsup with a small explosive charge into the centre of the room. There is a limit to what a rat can swallow but katsup always helps....

  4. James Dore

    Spot on....

    " ../(because if you're going to release some buggy firmware that disables the management software, you may as well go the whole way and stuff the SSH server as well)... " Oooooh yeah.....

  5. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge


    "When was that?"

    "This afternoon."

    "I ... You mean Friday ..."

    "What, and lose the element of surprise?"

  6. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    Brilliant episode

    Really on form

  7. mark 63 Silver badge

    multiple monitors

    If theres the hardware lying around , I find it more flexible to have a separate machine attached to the mutiple monitors.

    No giant desktop but more processing power , more toolbar , more resilience, more OSs, more users can be logged in ( for different access rights) etc

    1. Juillen 1

      And no..

      Copy/Paste between apps on screens. No moving apps from one screen to another. No moving the one mouse and keyboard easily between them (without hitting KVM switches).

      Processing power isn't neccessary on Admin desktops; that's what remote screens to the servers are for (what do you mean, you don't have servers doing your heavy lifting?).

      Desktop resilience? What? They should be easily swap in/swap out (nothing stored locally; everything on the servers, replicated and backed up).

      One monitor, switchable through a rack of server boxes. One admin desktop box with loads of monitors.

      Permissions? Remote desktop, and su (or equavalents).

      One box, many monitors for admin work.. Works for me!

      After convincing the budget holders that it's the way to go, I no longer have to 'retire' the beancounters to make sure that their machine/monitor count matches the head count in the department.

      1. Mike007

        @Juillen 1

        Copy/paste between computers that are all controlled seamlessly by the same keyboard/mouse? check! Granted no dragging windows between computers, but there are advantages to having separate systems with different configurations.

        Posted by my desktop, typed on my netbook sitting on the desk in front which has the only keyboard/mouse. Can you pick up part of your desktop setup and walk around with it? It's like a cordless keyboard/mouse(/headset) with an extra screen attached!

      2. mm0zct


        Never heard of Synergy? (or synergy+ as it is now called iirc).

        It lets you share a mouse, keyboard and copy buffer between multiple computers, you just define a "server" with the mouse and keyboard attached, and where the various screen borders link to (for me it might be "laptop is left of desktop 1" "desktop 1 is right of laptop" "desktop 2 is right of desktop 1" "desktop 1 is left of desktop 2".

        The only limitation is that you can't drag applications across.

        1. ArmanX
          Thumb Up

          And to add to that:

          Synergy works on Windows, Linux, and Mac, so you can have multiple computers running multiple versions of any given OS. Or set your laptop as the main keyboard and mouse, and when you take it with you, the other computers remain, still working on whatever you left them with. And when you come back and plug your laptop back into the network, it's all there. It's awesome. Seriously.

  8. Anonymous Coward


    We had a bit of short-circuit in our office lamps... caused by mice under the roof.

    However, yours truly rushed to the circuit breakers and shut them down manually, before it developed to a full-blown blaze. The flames died by themselves, but now we can't turn on half the lamps, until maintenance decides to do something about it.

    Boy, the tiny lamp reactors sounded like popcorn, actually. Or someone ripping the curtains off.

    I needed a couple of pints to calm down after that...

  9. salada2k

    Great one

    Got a few chuckles out of that! Brilliant!

  10. b166er

    mark 63

    Let me introduce you to the concept of virtual machines.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Nicely done

    And i'm in the middle of a phone call and have to try to control myself....cruel beast!

  12. The Vociferous Time Waster

    Liquid Galaxy

    A chap at work asked to borrow 5 identical 22 inch flat screen monitors which he promptly hooked up to several machines and installed Google Liquid Galaxy. Look it up here and you will see why I was happy to be 5 down on my monitor inventory for a couple of weeks.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Apropos of nothing

    Apropos of nothing, I'd like to offer a phrase for both Simon's and the general Register readership's use:

    "light-deprived single-discharge-multi-projectile ballistic Monte Carlo debugging"

    a.k.a. shooting randomly in the dark.

    As in:

    "PHB: My computer isn't working."

    "PFY: Have you tried reseating all the keycaps on your keyboard?"

    "BOFH: Engaging in some light-deprived single-discharge-multi-projectile ballistic Monte Carlo debugging, are we?"

  14. Steve Knox
    Thumb Up

    " that his wife doesn't look like an extra from Lord of the Rings..."

    Inquiring minds need to know:

    Elf, hobbit, dwarf, orc, or ent?

    1. Marina

      Do you have to ask?

      Orc, no doubt. Remember she married a beancounter.

  15. laird cummings

    "Plague-infested zombie beancounters"

    Band name!

  16. Mr_Pitiful

    2 monitors is so last decade

    I have 3 at work & 4 at home

    3 x 28" identical lcds at work

    4 x 32" plasmas at home

    Everyone admires my desk at work

    El Reg on one - masked by a few remote desktops, Server monitors on the second & CRM & email on the third.

    Home is usually pretty much the same except no4 gets switched off when the wife is around!!

    2 monitors, so lame

  17. FozzyBear

    "Plague-infested zombie beancounters"

    Whilst the Plague Infested is a new condition I would find amusing. I honestly thought calling a beancounter a zombie was redundant, don't they all have that standard operating mode and personality

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    option to multi-monitors

    I work from a my lap, it goes with me from the couch to the dining room table (rarely), to my deck outside. When meant I would have had to drag a table around. Some time ago I had ?compiz? cubic desktop so I could just rotate it to where I needed it, but once I started using more than just four surfaces, I could never remember where I had anything and dropped all of the way back to a single monitor.

  19. Craig 28

    Ah the beancounters...

    More abuse of the legume reckoning department please. While I didn't nearly pee myself laughing I did get a very large smile.

  20. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    "What's up?"


    "Friday 11-O-Clock and we are not beered and curried. The room is dark and the room is Mission Control."

    "Oh, you noticed?"

    "It takes me 3% more time to kill you in WOG[1]?"

    "And I am living 3% longer?"




    "Then someone is fucking with us?"

    "Pull up a chair."

    [1]War of Galaxies

  21. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    "OK, let's GAME!"

    "Special cheats on?"

    "Of Course. Nothing physical though."




    Two hours later

    "3% on all Games?"

    "No, just WOG. Cheats off."




    Two hours later

    "3% on all Games?"

    "No. Just WOG"

    "I'm confused."


    "Well. You have basically admitted that I always win. Not very you is it?"

    "Well, would have won, but you have still noticed the 3% despite the odd disruption."

    "Electrocution, UV activated SuperGlue, Miniature explosive bolts on the castors of my chair, Subliminal Pictures, Falling Fluorescent Lights, Time delayed Onion Bhajis, Reduced MTBF floor tiles, Brown Noise and others..... all at the POK."


    "Point of Kill."

    "Oh, so you noticed?"

    "Noticed! I've got a log of them. I assume that is in some way rhetorical?"

    "Well, nothing is sacrosanct. You're running at about 80%."

    "And the remaining 20% involves hospitalisation?"

    "I do occasionally win. Call 5% of the missing ones my Aces."

    "So you don't?"

    "Don't what?"




    "OK. No, but it is part of the GamePlay."

    "I appreciate that. I would not play otherwise. Look, I know this but you are admitting to it."


    "3% on WOG"

    "Someone is fucking with us."

    "Someone is fucking with the Game Server."

  22. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    "Right. Let's check. Console says 65,536 cores available. 36 on house-keeping, one in use running 'Console' at a smidgen of a percent. Let's play Crysis."

    "All bells and whistles on?"

    "Not much point having the compute power if you don't use it. Let's go immersive with complete logging."

    "Always do."


    "Have complete logging on. How do you think I replay my triumphs and time-stamp then match Brown Noise physical events to the virtual?"

    "But that's TeraBytes. Where do you put it? No! How do you get it and where do you put it?"

    "Uhm, rather not mention."

    "So we do have secrets?"

    "You do the same!"


    "Do too!! Look, if I'm doing it you are as well."

    "Your logic is infallible."

    "Look, you're a Bastard. Logic follows."

    "OK. OK. Let's Play."




    Two hours later

    "There. 5 campaigns and you lost 4."

    "One to me then."

    "Mr Smug."

    "Part of the 5%. Let's put it on replay and...... right. We averaged 13,546 cores with spikes to just above 25K.."

    "When I wiped you out."

    "This is important!"


    "House-keeping ran to just over 300. No other apparent processes."


    "Let's play WOG!"

    "You are ON!"

  23. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    Next Monday 11:30AM

    "What's happening?"

    "I'm not sure. They are just sitting there with funny hats and gloves on and twitching occasionally. Have a look yourself, there's a gap in the blinds here."

    "Did you want something?"

    "Electricity bill. Third month in a row."

    "Not IT related then?"

    "Errrr. Utilities but...."

    "Strange, isn't it?"


    "It's almost afternoon and no-one has made an IT complaint."

    "They don't answer the phones anyway."

    "I know that. No-one has made an IT complaint to me."

    "Wouldn't be much.... cough cough cough. Uh-Hum. Now you mention it non of my staff have asked me about things."

    "Check out HR and Sales. I'll do management. Touch base in 30."






    "All running smoothly."

    "Guess we leave them to it then. Golf?"


  24. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    Thursday Afternoon

    Knock Knock

    "Oh, Hi. Still running smoothly?"

    "Pardon? Oh yes, are they still?"

    "Certainly are. How can I help you?"

    "This electricity bill situation."


    "Well, yes but we think IT might be a major part of the burden."

    "How's that?"

    "Ron says.."

    "Ron. Not exactly an authority now is he? What's he bodged now?"

    "I've also just had a meeting with a chap from the electricity company. They like us."


    "Have you seen these bills!? They want to move us onto an industrial tariff."

    "We're commercial business. Is it cheaper?"

    "Yes but that's not the point it's still bloody expensive. He made some quips about aluminium smelting or electro-plating."

    "That bad?"

    "Look at the bills!"




    Meanwhile in Mission Control two minds think alike..


    Launch Battle Plan ZedAlphaPhi!

    All your Galaxies are belong to Me!

    You are also Toast. :-) :-) :-)"





    "Bloody Hell! Lightning Strike!"

    "Can't be, it's a clear day. Damn! Look. The sub-station's just blown up."

    "Power's off!"

    Rumble Rumble Rumble... Throb Throb Throb... Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

    "Back up generators for IT. I thought we had 30 minutes of UPS."

    "It certainly cost me, err, the company enough."


    Judder Judder Judder




    Wee-Wah Wee-Wah Wee-Wah Wee-Wah

    "OK People. Listen up. Please evacuate the building in an orderly manner and go to your assembly points. This is not a drill. Ooof! I said Orderly! Don't use the lifts."

    "Are you new here?"

    "Pardon? Ooof!"

    "Fire Brigade is on the way."

    "Right, see you outside."




    "Looks like everyone else is out as well."

    "Yes, nice day for it."

    "What? The whole block is out. Two square miles, no electricity, alarms everywhere. Can we get the count?"

    "Looks like Pub-O-Clock."


    "After-noon Sir. Chief Officer Hunt, Fire. Everyone accounted for?"

    "All except for two."

    "Still in the building?"

    "They haven't left for seven days"

    "Sound like dedicated employees. Look the lads are in the building at the moment checking things over and it does not seem like there is any immediate danger. Looks like you were 'Ground Zero' for this one. We might have to close the building for the next few days so you may as well send everyone down the Pub."


    "Oh. Yes sorry.. No I meant home. Now then where were these people? As I say it's safe so perhaps you can show me."

    "OK, follow me."



    "Not the lifts Sir!"

    "Sorry, forgot. Emergency procedures."

    "Not worked here long Sir?"

    "Uhm... No. That's the second time th...."

    "This way I believe?"

    "Yes. How did...."

    "I'll lead. Fireman Dobbs and Jones, bring 'The Kit'"

    "Sir! Yes Sir!"

    "Stop smiling!"

    "Sir! Yes Sir!"

    "Sigh, I don't know.. Follow me."




    "Right, they're both on the floor."

    "Thermobarics Sir!?"

    "Bloody Hell! Dobbs! I thought you were training him?"


    "Ow! Err... Oh.. Thermics Sir!"

    "Yes Jones. And what on?"

    "The Wall Sir?"

    "Good, we shall divvy up later."

    "Sir! Yes Sir!"

    "Oh do stop bloody smiling."

    "We love our job Sir!"

    "More dedicated employees."

    "Uhm, divvy up?"

    "Pardon Sir? Oh, err. Beneficiary fund. Should something go wrong. Look we'll have to move elsewhere whilst the lads get on with this. It's a bit dangerous and I'll have to organise a medical team."

    "Oh, right. My office is this way. I can't offer you anything. No..."

    "Yes Sir many have noticed. I have my flask and sandwiches. All part of the job. Carry on lads."

    Spark Spark Spark



    "Eat Metal Flame Bastard!"



    "Very enthusiastic your people."

    "Dedicated Sir. Like yours."

    "Them? Well.."

    "I've got crispy bacon, tomato, fresh crunchy lettuce, drizzle of vinaigrette, succulent barbecued chicken with prawns and mayonnaise on granary rye lightly toasted on one side."

    "Gosh! My favourite!"

    "Really Sir? You should meet my wife. I really don't know why she packs this for me. Here. I'll have the margarine on soggy white with tuna spread and limp cucumber."

    "That's kind of you."

    "Oh no Sir. Worked my way up through the ranks. Always done my own. It's sort of traditional. Coffee?"



    Kssshttt Beep! Bop!

    "AlphaBravoOne Receiving?"

    "AlphaBravoOne Receiving?"

    "Dobbs. Cut the rubbish. Are you finished?"


    "Screens up?"


    "Stop bloody smiling and call up the medical team."


    "Better go check things out Sir."



    "OK, What have we got?"

    "They are off to intensive. Closest I've seen would be a badly organised Triathlon and these two have been at it daily for three weeks."

    "One week."

    "One week? Did you organise this?"

    "What? No. They've been in there since last Friday. Look I'm errr.."

    "Are you alright Sir?"

    "Looks a bit queasy. Probably a bit of residue from the Thermics. Perhaps I shouldn't have brought him down so early."

    "Oh Shit!!!!"

    "Bloody Hell. Looks like you have another customer."

  25. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    Next Thursday

    "Grunt, Snort. Yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwn. MONSTROUS FART. Yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwn. Scritch Scratch."

    "Good Morning Simon. Do you mind if I call you Simon?"

    "Hmmmmmmm. Did I win?"

    "Well it seems you are alive."

    "No, I meant... oh. Hospital."

    "It seems the cognitive functions are returning and liquid has turned to gas which is a relative blessing. Would you like breakfast? We have..."

    "2 Eggs Sausage Beans Tomatoes 2 Toast Larger Cheers Love!!"

    "Not out of the woods yet then? Hospital Simon."

    "Uhmm..... Large Tea..... Please.... Nurse."

    "Doctor Simmonds. Bacon and Hash Browns as well?"

    "Please. Curried Beans?"

    "Not on recent performance. Still good to see the appetite is there. Put the tongue away."

    "Sorry Doctor."

    "That's OK, I know I am Hot. Help yourself to the 'internet'. I'll sort out breakfast. Back later."

    Exit Dr S.

    "Hmmm. Internet. Oh.. Bastard. Nice!"




    Same Thursday

    "Grunt, Snort. Yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwn. MONSTROUS FART. Yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwn. Scritch Scratch."

    "Good Morning Stephen. Do you mind if I call you Stephen?"

    "Hmmmmmmm. Did I win?"

    "Well it seems you are alive."

    "No, I meant... oh. Hospital."

    "It seems the cognitive functions are returning and liquid has turned to gas which is a relative blessing. Would you like breakfast? We have..."

    "2 Eggs Sausage Beans Tomatoes 2 Toast Larger Cheers Love!!"

    "Not out of the woods yet then? Hospital Stephen."

    "Uhmm..... Large Tea..... Please.... Nurse."

    "Doctor Simmonds. Bacon and Hash Browns as well?"

    "Please. Curried Beans?"

    "Not on recent performance. Still good to see the appetite is there. Put the tongue away."

    "Sorry Doctor."

    "That's OK, I know I am hot. Help yourself to the 'internet'. I'll sort out breakfast. Back later."

    Exit Dr S.

    "Hmmm. Internet. Oh.. Bastard. Nice!"






    "Like peas in a pod. In fact the same pea."

    "Interesting. Similar to that other stuff they were mumbling during recovery. That and the breakfast thing. What do you think it means?"

    "I have no idea."

    "And the other one?"

    "Probably collateral from fumes. Bad case of diarrhoea, slight dehydration. Released two days ago."

    "No signs of...."

    "IQ not worth bothering about. Managerial."

    Exit Dr S.




  26. Camilla Smythe

    A Title


    "Michael! I thought you were IT. More cuts? You should have called. I mean... catering?"

    "Here you go."

    "Nice, no Lager?"

    "Rules are. You're in trouble and I'm on the periphery. What were you two playing at?"


    "I know. On a bloody supercomputer!"

    "65K core. Good ay :-)"

    "65K does not put two people in intensive care for four days and leave them sleeping for another three."


    "Neither does it wreck a substation and what were, if I hear the rumours correctly, two massively overrated generating sets."


    "And I only let you have a copy of the limited scale evaluation version. 16 cores max! I might imagine you may have 'gained access' to something a bit fuller scale because you are a bloody idiot but hats and gloves as well!"


    "Fortunately Officer Hunt attended and gave us a warning so the medics on scene were able to retrieve those."

    "That's OK then."

    "Bloody not! We'll clear that one up later but in the meantime you better start contacting people to get some excuses in place. Good Ones."

    "How? This hospital internet thing. Well, it's rubbish."

    "Where do you think part of my budget comes from? Here."

    "Oooooo. iPhone. Shiny!"

    "No. Samsung."


    "No. In fact I should not really let you have this given recent events."

    "Sorry. Errrr.... no signal?"

    "Oh, here."

    "Micro USB to 1/4" Stereo Jack. That looks high tech."

    "Use the old hospital radio network. That die-cast box with the lamp switch on in."

    "Is it safe?"

    "Safe!! *You* blow up a substation taking out two square miles of the city and.... No, actually you are right. I'll have it back."

    "Sorry. I'll be careful. Where's Stephen?

    "On another ward. Ψ are keeping you two separate."


    "WOG is an overlay based on code delivered to Ψ by 'other' parties and... Look, this is one great big screaming mess. They'll be testing you two later. Do your best to act dumb."

    "No problems."

    "Nothing is serious to you is it? Look. There is a possibility that your IQ has been enhanced."

    "Sounds a bit Forbidden Planet."


    "OK. OK. I'll put on my management hat for them."

    "Better. Oh, Hunt got your boss."

    "Really. How long?"

    "Three days."

    "I'm feeling better. Sandwiches?"

    "Yes.. No.. The coffee. He lost the sandwiches later. Apparently it was eruptive and the staff are getting bored with it. Can't you just give them an embarrassing three day erection or something?"

    "Interesting. Anything available from the dispensary?"

    "Idiot! Enjoy your breakfast."

    "It's cold."

    "It's Hospital. Get Dialling."

  27. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    Thursday afternoon.

    "Hi Stephen!"

    "Hi Dr Simmonds!"

    "Tongue in."


    "Nice breakfast?"

    "It was cold."

    "Still scoffed it though?"


    "Looks like lunch went down a treat as well. Ooooooooo iPhone. Shiny!"

    "Uhm... Nintendo. Gameboy!"

    "Nice try. Are you finished?"


    "Michael's the 'wife', give."

    "Oh, how's Simon?"

    "Fortunately our respective conversations are, relatively speaking, diverging."


    "Don't worry. You are due Ψ Saturday morning. Avoid the fish tomorrow."

    "Always do."

    "Apart from the other 5% of the time."


    "Love you later. Bye."

  28. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    Friday Morning

    "Right. Let's get this sorted. I'm due a nice game of Golf. Let's see, Inquiry Blah Blah Blah sub thing explosion thing and some such. I'm Chair... On the record. You!"

    "Dave Sir! Electricity Board. According to the analysis as presented in the documents on file as.."

    "Yes. Yes. Yes. Read Them. A quick summary will do."

    "Bird Shit Sir!"


    "Sorry. Bird Shit Chair!"

    "Wrong sort of Bird Shit no doubt?"

    "No Chair. The right type for this particular event and very similar to the recent event at the Large Hadron Collider."

    "Large Hardon Colander? I was reading about that on the interwebs recently. Black holes and things."

    "Fortunately we avoided that one."

    "Excellent! Uhm.... Dave?"

    "Yes Chair, Electricity Board."



    "Ron! Company Electrician Chair!"

    "Right.... ermmm Ron Ron Ron Ron... No?"

    "Generators Chair."

    "Oh Yes. So?"

    "Mouse Shit."

    "Wrong sort of Mouse Shit?"

    "Any sort will do."


    "In this case it de-synchronized the..."


    "Imagine two bodies in motion.....




    scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble

    "Hmmm Good job too!"


    "Sarah, Insurance."


    "We have various objections to. Excuse me."

    "We have various objections to. Excuse me."

    "We have various objections to... Look! I've sat here for the last half hour and it really has not been very productive as far as I can see and this pervert sat next to me has spent all that time fiddling with his dick!"



    "Why are you here. I thought Golf was later?"

    "IT Manager Chair."

    "And the other one!"

    "Sorry Robin."






    "Those two."

    "Ooooooo.. is that a cucumber in your pocket or do you like my uniform?"



    "Well, that seems to have disrupted the Golf plans."



    "It seems I am free for lunch."

    "Bring Ron's notes."

    "Inquiry Adjourned."

  29. Camilla Smythe

    A Title

    Friday Afternoon

    "Hi Simon!"

    "Ron, Dave..."


    "What vintage?"

    "Seedless. Here.."

    "Oh. Thanks. Not."


    "Hmmmm. So, how did it go?"

    "Bit of a breeze."

    "No-one noticed the twin thing?"

    "What's that?"

    "You two!"

    "Oh, right. No. Boss and Bean were too busy fiddling with their hadrons and the insurance woman was.... errrr... distracted."

    "What was the result?"

    "Adjourned then signed off and closed later."

    "You mean you got away with it!?"

    "Dad copped off with the insurance woman."


    "Relatives in high places. Good ay?"

    "And the right insurance woman."

    "Choice of Golf with a pair of incompetents fielding woodies or the girl."

    "You set your Father up with an insurance rep?"

    "Sarah's nice."




    "What would you like for dinner Sir? It's Friday! We have Lasagne, Beef Hotpot with Dumplings or Fish and Chips."

    "Oooooo... Fish and Chips Please!"

    "First time in Hospital?"

    "Long term.. Yes."

    "Here you go. Enjoy."




    On another ward.

    "What would you like for dinner Sir? It's Friday! Fish and Chips or Thin Sliced Roast Beef and choice of vegetables?"

    "Roast Beef."

    "Been here before?"


    "15%. Now, vegetables. Cabbage?"


    "Brussel Sprouts?"






    "Lashings of Re-constituted Genetically Modified Onion Gravy?"

    "Errr.. Muh-Huh."

    "Curried Beans?"




    "Time delay pill?"

    "Is that a vegetable?"

    "No. Trust me. I'm a dietician. You'll need it. Here. Swallow."


    "Et Voila! Dinner is served. Enjoy!"

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