Neighbours cop an earful from screaming Swedish w*nker

A Malmö man with a penchant for vociferous five-knuckle shuffling may have to put a sock in it after his traumatised neighbours reported him for really giving it some stick when cracking one off. The shouty onanist apparently had previous form for watching the telly late at night with the volume cranked up, but his vocal solo …

[Anonymous Coward]

Taxi!

I expect it's been a long time coming for his neighbours....

[hplasm]

Tip off?

"He sounded like it all came off!"

/fnarr!

[Thomas 4]

Oh dear

Is he going to get a slap on the wrist for this?

[Michael Friesen]

Unit of sound pressure pressure level?

Surely this calls for a revision of the Vulture Central Standards?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/08/24/vulture_central_standards/

The "Swedish Wanker" is a measure of sound pressure level, equal to that of...

[Kevin Lloyd]

Should be equivalent

to the journo's go-to reference point of of either a shotgun blast or a screaming baby and the respective decibel level, whichever is deemed the greatest.

[Lonesome Twin]

... is entirely unecessary

RIP Concord :-(

[Anonymous Coward]

Probably a freetard

And he was shouting at the interwebs.

[TeeCee]

"...their landlord had failed to get a grip on the situation..."

And thus another keyboard bites the dust....

[Anonymous Coward]

Barbaric behaviour

.

.

.

Coat. Now.

[pete 22]

Barbaric behaviour

Onan the barbarian?

[Wize]

What a wanker

Couldn't they try putting him off by shouting their equivalent of "Maggie Thatcher naked covered in baby oil" though his letter box to put him off his stride?

[Stumpy]

You Bastard!

Now will someone PLEASE pass the mind bleach????

[David Dawson]

@Stumpy

There ain't no such thing as mind bleach.

The only solution here is a brainectomy.

Pass the spoon!

[Inventor of the Marmite Laser]

Oh

You bastard!

[Anonymous Coward]

Remember Rule 34

The obvious corollary being that 'if there is porn of it, someone, somewhere likes it'. It isn't worth the risk that it might be this guy.

[Peter Murphy]

You mean something like this?

"Margaret Thatcher är naken och täckt av babyolja!"

To put the man really off his stride, you might throw in: "Dennis är bara att bära läder underkläder."

[druck]

@Wize

If it was Maggie in her younger years as portrayed by Andrea Riseborough in The Long Walk to Finchley, that may only serve as encouragement.

[Maverick]

if you've ever been there

you'd know it's full of w*nkers - especially the taxi drivers

[Anonymous Coward]

Sock

He should put it "on it", not "in it", surely...?

Yes, yes, I know the way...

[Anonymous Coward]

Playmobil?

Pity (?) about the (lack of) sound, though...

(And can I suggest a "Playmobil" icon...?)

[DayDragon]

How do they know?

"One wrote: "He moans louder than an animal... I can feel how it affects my state of mind.""

How do they know what an animal sounds like when it's being masturbated, hmmm!

[krautsalat]

That first paragraph ...

... is poetry. <3

[Anonymous Coward]

crikey

He must be good. Perhaps I'm not doing it right.... Has he though about writing a book on his technique?

[Anonymous Coward]

@ crikey

"Has he though about writing a book on his technique?"

He did but the pages got stuck together.

[Anonymous Coward]

Ooopps

misread the title, thought it was a Banker (not much difference really)

[Adrian Esdaile]

I'm sorry I'll read that again....

I read that as 'put a sock ON it'.

fnarr fnarr

yes, the grey dust-coat and the fetchingly-endowed waitress wearing the dirndl. (cue yacketysax)

[Francis Boyle]

Call me curious

But why does el Reg need tags for masturbation AND wanking?

[Anonymous Coward]

...and how long...

have you been reading el Reg, Sherlock?

[Anonymous Coward]

Well that learn em...

...should of asked why his telly was so loud. Now they know.

[Mankpiece]

Must be...

The bloke from 1 guy 1 jar!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Must be

It would be more funny if it were 1 guy 2 jars.

Daniel

[BinaryFu]

You know...

Some fetishes have masks and gags for this sort of thing...maybe his neighbors can give them to him as a present... >.>

[Anonymous Coward]

He misread his degree.

He thought it said Magnus Cum louder.

[Dick Pountain]

Let him moan

Sheesh, the poor chap was only getting in touch with his inner monkey...

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm humbled

"shouty onanist"

There really should be an award for shit like that. Top marks Lester.

[kain preacher]

Simple fix

Make him watch a 3 way with Marget Thatcher , Janet Reno and madeleine albright. Sex will be the last thing on his mind .

[itzman]

But surely

All politicians do this all the time?

Or is that mass debating ...Ive never really been able to tell them apart..

[Anonymous Coward]

Juxtaposition!

Have you seen what immediately follows this link on the El Reg page?

Stop banging your head against ROCKS ......

Get instant relief.............

[takuhii]

Ze Goggles, Zey Do Nothing!!

I hope he gets his cum-mupence

[Mips]

"landlord had failed to get a grip"

Hang on a minute, quite clearly he had not. Maybe that was the problem.

Anyway I thought an onanist was someone who liked wine.

No, I do mean wine, not the other stuff.

[Anonymous Coward]

It's called that because

Onan was told off by God for spilling his seed on the ground. Although, he wasn't actually w*nking- he pulled out early.

[Nights_are_Long]

Got told about this...

By a Swedish relative, perhaps his neighbors need this from XKCD http://xkcd.com/316/

[Anonymous Coward]

there has to be a koan in this:

"what is the sound of one hand wanking?"

[Anonymous Coward]

Natch,

I called my co-workers over to read this after I'd queued up my copy of Don Ho singing "Shock The Monkey".

Yes, that abomination exists. I'm not proud of that knowledge.