back to article Neighbours cop an earful from screaming Swedish w*nker

A Malmö man with a penchant for vociferous five-knuckle shuffling may have to put a sock in it after his traumatised neighbours reported him for really giving it some stick when cracking one off. The shouty onanist apparently had previous form for watching the telly late at night with the volume cranked up, but his vocal solo …


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  1. Anonymous Coward


    I expect it's been a long time coming for his neighbours....

  2. hplasm

    Tip off?

    "He sounded like it all came off!"


  3. Thomas 4

    Oh dear

    Is he going to get a slap on the wrist for this?

  4. Michael Friesen

    Unit of sound pressure pressure level?

    Surely this calls for a revision of the Vulture Central Standards?

    The "Swedish Wanker" is a measure of sound pressure level, equal to that of...

    1. Kevin Lloyd
      Thumb Up

      Should be equivalent

      to the journo's go-to reference point of of either a shotgun blast or a screaming baby and the respective decibel level, whichever is deemed the greatest.

      1. Lonesome Twin

        ... is entirely unecessary

        RIP Concord :-(

  5. Anonymous Coward

    Probably a freetard

    And he was shouting at the interwebs.

  6. TeeCee Gold badge

    "...their landlord had failed to get a grip on the situation..."

    And thus another keyboard bites the dust....

  7. Anonymous Coward

    Barbaric behaviour




    Coat. Now.

    1. pete 22

      Barbaric behaviour

      Onan the barbarian?

  8. Wize

    What a wanker

    Couldn't they try putting him off by shouting their equivalent of "Maggie Thatcher naked covered in baby oil" though his letter box to put him off his stride?

    1. Stumpy

      You Bastard!

      Now will someone PLEASE pass the mind bleach????

      1. David Dawson


        There ain't no such thing as mind bleach.

        The only solution here is a brainectomy.

        Pass the spoon!

    2. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge


      You bastard!

    3. Anonymous Coward

      Remember Rule 34

      The obvious corollary being that 'if there is porn of it, someone, somewhere likes it'. It isn't worth the risk that it might be this guy.

    4. Peter Murphy

      You mean something like this?

      "Margaret Thatcher är naken och täckt av babyolja!"

      To put the man really off his stride, you might throw in: "Dennis är bara att bära läder underkläder."

    5. druck Silver badge


      If it was Maggie in her younger years as portrayed by Andrea Riseborough in The Long Walk to Finchley, that may only serve as encouragement.

  9. Maverick

    if you've ever been there

    you'd know it's full of w*nkers - especially the taxi drivers

  10. Anonymous Coward


    He should put it "on it", not "in it", surely...?

    Yes, yes, I know the way...

  11. Anonymous Coward


    Pity (?) about the (lack of) sound, though...

    (And can I suggest a "Playmobil" icon...?)

  12. DayDragon

    How do they know?

    "One wrote: "He moans louder than an animal... I can feel how it affects my state of mind.""

    How do they know what an animal sounds like when it's being masturbated, hmmm!

  13. krautsalat
    Thumb Up

    That first paragraph ...

    ... is poetry. <3

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    He must be good. Perhaps I'm not doing it right.... Has he though about writing a book on his technique?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @ crikey

      "Has he though about writing a book on his technique?"

      He did but the pages got stuck together.

  15. Anonymous Coward


    misread the title, thought it was a Banker (not much difference really)

  16. Adrian Esdaile

    I'm sorry I'll read that again....

    I read that as 'put a sock ON it'.

    fnarr fnarr

    yes, the grey dust-coat and the fetchingly-endowed waitress wearing the dirndl. (cue yacketysax)

  17. Francis Boyle

    Call me curious

    But why does el Reg need tags for masturbation AND wanking?

    1. Anonymous Coward

      ...and how long...

      have you been reading el Reg, Sherlock?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well that learn em...

    ...should of asked why his telly was so loud. Now they know.

  19. Mankpiece

    Must be...

    The bloke from 1 guy 1 jar!

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Re: Must be

      It would be more funny if it were 1 guy 2 jars.


  20. BinaryFu

    You know...

    Some fetishes have masks and gags for this sort of thing...maybe his neighbors can give them to him as a present... >.>

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He misread his degree.

    He thought it said Magnus Cum louder.

  22. Dick Pountain

    Let him moan

    Sheesh, the poor chap was only getting in touch with his inner monkey...

  23. Anonymous Coward

    I'm humbled

    "shouty onanist"

    There really should be an award for shit like that. Top marks Lester.

  24. kain preacher

    Simple fix

    Make him watch a 3 way with Marget Thatcher , Janet Reno and madeleine albright. Sex will be the last thing on his mind .

  25. itzman

    But surely

    All politicians do this all the time?

    Or is that mass debating ...Ive never really been able to tell them apart..

  26. Anonymous Coward


    Have you seen what immediately follows this link on the El Reg page?

    Stop banging your head against ROCKS ......

    Get instant relief.............

  27. takuhii

    Ze Goggles, Zey Do Nothing!!

    I hope he gets his cum-mupence

  28. Mips

    "landlord had failed to get a grip"

    Hang on a minute, quite clearly he had not. Maybe that was the problem.

    Anyway I thought an onanist was someone who liked wine.

    No, I do mean wine, not the other stuff.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's called that because

    Onan was told off by God for spilling his seed on the ground. Although, he wasn't actually w*nking- he pulled out early.

  30. Nights_are_Long

    Got told about this...

    By a Swedish relative, perhaps his neighbors need this from XKCD

  31. Anonymous Coward

    there has to be a koan in this:

    "what is the sound of one hand wanking?"

  32. Anonymous Coward


    I called my co-workers over to read this after I'd queued up my copy of Don Ho singing "Shock The Monkey".

    Yes, that abomination exists. I'm not proud of that knowledge.

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