Parmo v poutine: The ultimate post-pub nosh deathmatch It's Friday, and since we have no doubt you lot will be rolling out of your local hostelry later having partaken of a few liveners, you might want to consider just what mouthwatering treat will best cap off your night on the town. Well, we at the El Reg Special Projects Bureau have a couple of suggestions from the wonderful …
My mother-in-law takes unadventurous a step further, she won't even eat anything I've cooked and this is a woman who will suck the brains out of a chicken's head. I'm a pretty reasonable cook but the first thing she'll ask at dinner is who's cooked the meal.
I also have a friend who when we go out for a meal we have to decide before he arrives where to go otherwise he'll get in first with McDonalds which is as adventurous as he gets.
Apparently it's not only food, I read earlier that a third of Spaniards haven't even been outside their own province.
Thank you for your excellent exertions in the field of vital consumer research.
I do however have some reservations about the health of your poor experimental subjects... I can't get this image out of my head:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/220166.stm
Are you John Selwyn Gummer in disguise? And if so, I claim my £5.
If we keep trying to tell the spanish there's food from outside the pueblo that's good, and then some clowns come with curds drowned in gravy and cheap pork fried with random other things --- well, thanks for undoing all the efforts. This just convinces another generation not to try.
I have some unforgettable recollections from a few years in a US college and something called "Chease Steak". It was meat sheets 3mm thin which were grilled on a flat grill with LOTS of fat and a thick slice of cheddar topped on it. Add two buns of bread fried on the same grill and voila you have your ultimate death-by-cholesterol post-drinking bout fix...
Most deep-fat fried stuff is on an order of magnitude less fatty than anything like that.
Brown gravy and cheese curds were never meant to go together, least of all atop fries (or 'chips' if you like) and the result is every bit as disgusting as one might expect from such an infelicitous combination.
On the other hand, it's very hard to go wrong with deep-fried meat and Bechamel sauce.
Ne'er a truer word spoken.
Cheese... eeew.... The only place cheese belongs is..... hmmm.....
(long think) .... on a pizza, or a toasted ham and cheese sandwich/croissant/whatever...
As for pork... The only way I don't like pig done is raw.
FFS, now you've made me hungry... Time to go find a pig....
To any passport-carrying Lancastrian chips and gravy is the food of the gods (indeed gravy is the main thing I judge proper - i.e. Northern - chippies on). But why you'd want to shove cheese curds on it is beyond me.
With a bit more squeezing that curd and you'd have had a nice paneer. Much better in curries than on your chips.
When I worked at a certain disreputable PC "manufacturer" in Burnley we used to go to a local pub on Fridays and partake of their speciality, which was chips, cheese & gravy. Assembled in that order.
This, along with the Thwaites bitter used to wash it down, was one of the reasons not to buy a Time PC made on a Friday (or any other day to be honest...
Many years ago my parents held a dinner party. One allegedly "expert" guest was volunteered to make the Irish coffees. Yes, you guessed it, he didn't see the Maxwell House (jar) when looking for Nescafé (tin) and produced the most wonderful-looking but (even in his state) undrinkable Irish coffees ... made with Bisto.
Broke my dad's heart to pour all that whiskey and cream down the sink... Maybe if he'd had a poutine recipe he'd have been able to salvage something?
Lightweight fare!
To do the job properly you fry up some onions, bacon, salami and garlic. Mix with the properly larded chips then top with gravy and lashings of cheese. Now grill to melt the cheese.
During the meanwhilst fry off the pork schnitzel, top with pizza sauce, ham, bacon and cheese. Slap in the grill alongside the chips.
Once cheese has melted and both concoctions are buibbling nicely then decant to a plate, grab a pint of whatever, eat then call heart surgeon!
Bliss!
If you'd like to continue the search for the ultimate post-pub nosh may I suggest that you try a Dutch 'Kroket'. These are similar to the French 'Croquette', but instead of mashed potato they are filled with a scalding-hot mystery-meat 'sludge' that sticks to the inside of your mouth like savoury napalm. Of course if you are drunk when you eat one you usually don't notice exactly how hot they are until you sober-up the next day and the find the skin peeling-off the roof of your mouth... :)
More info, and a recipe for krokets here:
http://almostbourdain.blogspot.com/2010/01/kroketten-dutch-croquettes.html
I congratulate you sir, for the use of the phrase 'savoury napalm'.
I must say, you're not really selling it to me very well as post pub food. But then I can't bring myself to face a British kebab shop or van even when drunk.
A proper portion of fish'n'chip shop chips does it best. Proper fat ones, none of this frites malarkey either please. Although when I lived in Brussels, they were an OK substitute. I will however give credit to our Belgian friends for their excellent curry ketchup, which seemed to be some sort of sweet chilli, fake-tomato-y (OK, let's be honest, non-specific red flavour), yummyness.
As for mayonnaise and chips? Down with this sort of thing!
Just a typo there, the German frikadel (meat ball) is very different from the Dutch frikandel (sausage of the CMOT Dibbler type).
BTW a bitterbal is just a kroket but smaller, and round rather than cylindrical. They are usually served at cocktail parties and receptions. The correct etiquette after biting one is to say "Eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuh" with your hand in front of your mouth.
Thumbs up to "savoury napalm"
It is, but the Italians are a bunch of gastronomic frauds anyway; pay them no heed. This is the country that sincerely believes having a differently shaped pasta is enough to make its "regional" pasta dish special in some way.
The Italians can deep-fry with the best of them, however:
Supplì — typically a sausage of ragù risotto with a lump of mozzarella cheese shoved inside, then deep fried in breadcrumbs; most popular in the Lazio region and its neighbours.
Arancino ("little orange") — very similar to supplì: deep-fried risotto, but a different shape with no tomatoes, originally from Sicily,
Calzone ("big sock") — usually a local meat product deep fried in a sort of pancake-ish batter;
Olive Ascolane— olives stuffed with meat and deep fried in breadcrumbs
And, of course, various forms of deep-fried cheese (usually mozzarella).
(Seriously, why else do you think older Italians are so bloody fat? They *invented* fast food! The Romans even invented the burger!)
Deep fried pork.. you can't go wrong :-D
having said that, picking up some dubious "meat" wrapped in flat bread with generous helpings watery chilli sauce with "salad" for those of us with a health conscience from your local turkish/greek cholesterol vendor (kebab shop) is:
A: Safer whilst in the wobbly fermented (insert fruit/hop of choice) drink induced state that leads to unexplained injuries (and sometimes traffic cones) that are discovered sometime the next day after you've managed to crawl out of the bed/bathroom floor
B: less likely to result in spouse induced aural pain when he/she discovers ground-zero where the kitchen used to be
C: has chilli sauce.. nuff said!
One of the key things that was forgotten here, is that Poutine with just chips, curds and gravy (Placed IN THAT ORDER) is about the same as a pizza with just crust, tomato sauce and cheese. LACKING.
Any poutine worth its salt has extras thrown in before the gravy as well. Jalapeno peppers, hot sauce, bacon chunks, that sort of thing.
Or, go whole hog and have chips, onion rings, curds, jalapenos, hot sauce, bacon AND gravy. Keeps you going on a cold Canadian winter's day.
Had the misfortune of ordering one in US of these before I realized what "country fried" steak uwas (fried in bread crumbs with disgusting gravy on top). N.b. IHOP is International House of Pancakes.
Quick bit of googling reveals the full nutrional horror
http://www.fatsecret.com/calories-nutrition/ihop/country-fried-steak-and-eggs
Calories 1535
% Daily Values*
Total Fat 105g 162%
Saturated Fat 35g 175%
Cholesterol 820mg 273%
Sodium 2900mg 121%
and the horror of the presentation
http://fatchefdiaries.com/wp-content/uploads/IHOP-Chicken-Fried-Steak-Breakfast_5001.jpg
I like the look of some of that poutine, but I'll still stick my oar in in favour of that pinaccle of fusion cuisine - the doner kebab meat nanzza. Naan bread topped with cheese, tomato and doner meat, cooked in a pizza oven. have your cardiologist on speed dial.
Here in Limerick there's some sort of delicious post-prandial kebab war occurring. You can get better kebabs here than anywhere in England or Germany I've been and there's enough for two people in one kebab. None of your pita bread nonsense, it's donner meat on naan bread with salad and sauces.
Currently the ranking is something like:
1. Kashmir Kebab house,
2. Noor Kebabs,
3. Remix
4. Chilli kebabish
5. Turknaz
...
I work in Middlesbrough so I feel I'm well placed to comment....
Parmo's (I try and said Parmasan to avoid looking like a chav) are awesome, they generally come in chicken rather than pork though, and cost about £6 ish for a "full" (which would easily make 2 meals) . I haven't had one for 6 months as I try and keep them too a minimum for health reasons!
We've moved on to Shawarma's sandwiches now though...middle eastern loveliness!
Glad to see Canadian cuisine getting proper international recognition. May I suggest that next friday you tackle that other great Canadian post-bar specialty, the Donair. A modified version of the Greek Gyro, the donair consists of spiced mystery meat sliced off a spit, diced tomatoes, onions, and a sweet garlic-y sauce.
This melange is all wrapped into a pita, double-wrapped in tinfoil, and placed in a paper takeout bag. You eat it like an ice cream cone, pealing the tinfoil down as you go. It's usually very messy (one is advised to leave both layers of tinfoil and the bag on as long as possible).
Donairs were invented in Halifax, the city with the highest bars-per-capita in the country, and they are still neck-and-neck with pizza as the most popular after-bar snack, so you know it's got to be good!
Donair is a mispronounced, malformed doner kebab.
1st mistake - the name.
2nd mistake - pita. Arrrrgh
3rd mistake - the meat, although maybe that's better 'out east'
lol, it occurs to me as I type, kabob. lolol
Note to Canadians talking of donair kabobs: You sound like Obama talking about Pokiston.
As a proud Donair eating Canadian I'd like to express my opinion here in respect to what a Donair is.
First...there are many types of Donair for example, the Pita version, the flatbread version, or even the tortilla version (my personal fav). There are different sauces that you can put on them tzatziki, Garlic Donair Sauce, and there's even a spicy Marinara sauce used in some places.
A Donair Kabob is a completely different animal...it is a normal kabob that uses donair meat, and not in the same league as the previous version of Donairs.
Your talking about Donair Kabobs is like Bush talking about...well anything, just doesn't make sense. :)
Nice that you could make a reasonable looking poutine... always tought non-Canadian (and I'd say non-french-Canadian) couldn't. I'm impressed !
I usually replace the gravy with spaghetti sauce but the important thing is that it must taste like salty fat.
For those who care, the origin of the word "poutine" is not clear but it would seem it's derived from the english word "pudding" which was, my father told me, some mix of mashed potatoes, lard and gravy and cheese when they could afford some (I'm talking rural Québec of the 50's).
I'm Canadian, and while I like poutine in general, the "typical" recipe of just fries (okay, chips over there), cheese, and gravy does not normally make for a good meal. That's to good poutine what McDonald's is to a good burger.
From the restaurant of one of my favourite examples of poutine:
"Pulled Short Rib Poutine - Fresh cut fries topped with alfredo, Tankhouse Ale, braised Angus short ribs, green onions and Ontario cheese curds, smothered in gravy."
In this case, the Tankouse Ale is a home-brewed, nicely hopped, pale ale.
You need the general framework, but you also want to build on it so it's not just a glob of gravy and chips. It should actually be a very nice tasting meal. When I ate the above I did not simply feel like my arteries were hardening, as I have with typical poutine.
All points you made are understandable, but stem from misunderstanding.
The name: it's different than a doner, so it has a different name
The pita: you are quite right, this can be the worst part of the whole thing. But, a good chef will fry the pita on the hotplate with the meat; then, after it's soaked up the juices from the meat and veg, and absorbed some of the donair sauce, it is perhaps the best part. This is most obvious if you take a donair home, open it, eat it off a plate, and consume the pita seperately: it becomes a starchy, fatty, sweet, fried bit of heaven.
As for the meat, well, it is mystery meat (local rumor has it that it's grade 'F' beef'), but it does the trick and, after a few at the local bar, it does the trick.
Next time you're in Halifax, go to a good joint (KOD on pizza corner, or Uncle Buck's, or a dozen other places) and taste what I'm talking about :)
Must be a coincidence then that everywhere on the Prairies I see the words 'Donair' or 'Kabob', the product on offer bears a stark resemblance to a crap doner kebab, such as the frozen microwavable jobs that the blighty-bound amongst us will have bought once, and once only.
Nova Scotia's on the to-do list though, and I'll look forward to trying the real deal once I'm done gorging on decent seafood ;)
It's a bit bloody complicated isn't it? I mean, you're not really supposed to leave the pub if you're still able to make such involved dishes. Is this the result of immersion in that European "cafe culture" we heard so much about when 24hr drinking was introduced in the UK a few years ago? Have you gone native, Lester? Very good work by your kids, though.
I tried to cook post-pub once. I wanted a pizza, so I stuck the oven on and put in a cold slice from the box in my fridge. I awoke on the kitchen floor at daybreak lying on a large, sharp knife with a cloud of cheesy smoke wafting overhead. The pizza was half the size and black. I ate it anyway.
Lightweights the lot of you, but understandable, as you don't have the option of:
scattered smothered covered chunked diced peppered capped and topped (or more simply, "all the way").
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waffle_House
Open 24/7/365.25 for all your atherosclerosic needs.
(hash brown potatoes: "scattered" (spread on the grill), "smothered" (with onions), "covered" (with cheese), "chunked" (with diced ham), "diced" (with diced tomatoes), "peppered" (with jalapeño peppers), "capped" (with mushrooms), "topped" (with chili) )
I recall at uni I used to get back from the pubs and want eggs on toast. Except in my drunken state I thought I could do the old trick of cooking with the aid of a mug and a microwave.
Mostly it seemed okay, but occassionally my post pub snack had to be retrieved in pieces with the aid of a spatula as it had become stuck to the top of the microwave's innards.
Good to see proper science of the culinary kind on El Reg.
It seems to be perculiar to Worcester, but htey have the truly magnificant Scoffs, purveyor of the hot pork roll.
Ingredients:
1 Baguette (Minimally cooked)
Lots of Pork, shredded
Sage & Onion Stuffing
Apple Sauce
Enormous Chunk of over-salted, barely edible crackling.
Never seen it anywhere else, but vital when you've had a skinful in the 'Loyal City'...
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